OMG - What do I do now?

[Goodbye]

Because it served no purpose to contact the wife, especially after so much time had passed. Not to assuage guilt, but rather to stir the pot. They may have worked out issues in their marriage...who knows. No one has the moral highground in this tale. The husband probably had concerns with the poster not accepting a break up (obsessive, stalker, etc.)...rightly so...and wanted to let her down gently with the "explanation" of the wife finding out. I think the whole story about being wracked with guilt over the wife is BS. More likely she wanted to reconnect somehow. A sensible person would have moved on and live and let live.

 

Maybe I'm jaded, but I tend to agree with this. Maybe it is because I think like a scorned OW...I've actually debated doing something similar. So, while a kinder, gentler me would love to give the OP the high 5, I suspect there could have been some complicated motives here. Sorry for the skepticism.

[underwater2010]

As a BW....I wish the MOW would send me such a letter. Your heart was in the right place.

 

Her WH is probably pissed off because he is in another affair and it is all blowing up in his face.

[georgia girl]

Daylily,

 

He got what he deserved. Let him be angry. He broke her heart and he had absolutely no right to do that. She has a right to make healthy, smart decisions about HER future. You gave her the option.

[ThatJustHappened]

Yes burn. Like I said...it's a PUNITIVE action many of you seek....I'm not buying what you BS say about wanting to "help" the wife make "healthy" decisions about her own life. LOL!!!! It's so clear you want to stick it to em! It's so disingenuous...this "concern" for the wife. You get off on exposing the cheater! And making his life (and the wive's) a living hell...in the name of truth. The truth isn't always so nice. EX) someone here has an UGLY blue shoe avatar. Its tackiness offends me. That's the truth but is it nice to say, not so much.

 

Really? You're attacking her avatar? So..you're 7?

 

You completely misinterpreted everything the OP has been saying and twisted it around to fit your own agenda. If you're just here to attack people, you'll be kicked off pretty quickly.

 

Daylily sounds like a good person who owned up to her mistake and was trying to do the right thing. In AA, one of the steps is to apologize to the people you hurt when you were in the throes of your addiction..are those people just trying to stir the pot too? No, they're trying to atone for their mistakes and heal themselves and the people they've wronged. I believe that is what the OP was trying to do.

[2sure]

To me it sounds like perfect closure for you and that's hard to come by, so take it.

 

You had a dark period of your life, you ended up choosing a MM.

It ended, he hurt you, you probably felt more alone and worse. You thought you loved him and he loved you.

 

You get over him and realize you need to fix you. And you realize you have helped to hurt someone else. You enter therapy for a year and a half.

 

That's work and you've had progress. But still, your part in hurting someone else has bothered you.

 

You apologized. You are free. She I struggling , but no longer in the dark.

 

Things have a way of sorting themselves. Accept that.

[Decorative]

I'm sorry you were hurt in by your ex-spouse and you can choose to not take seriously people who disagree with your viewpoint that it's rather more of a punitive stance you'd be taking by going back to a wife and gleefully sharing the "news" that her husband had a fling in the past. Either punitive in the poster's case or rather a chance to reconnect with someone she'd been pining over for the last year and a half. As far as working out marriage issues--once again--you're free to not take my opinion seriously--I feel it's between the two people alone to work out their issues not up to others to butt in. We don't know what lead the HB to stray and in the meantime they may have been on great footing...then along comes ex-lover to throw gasoline on the fire.

 

It stops being two people when one of the spouses has an affair.

 

That's not a regular marital issue to just work out.

[ComingInHot]

LadyGrey,

Have I mentioned how FUN your avatar is?!

 

And as far as WHY the BW was informed... who in Heck cares?

It was a letter of apology. Nothing cruel besides the truth.

She's Not (from what it appears) sending letter after email after phone call, so as a Person, I'd rather the cruel truth of my reality, the a rosie lie.

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry you were hurt in by your ex-spouse and you can choose to not take seriously people who disagree with your viewpoint that it's rather more of a punitive stance you'd be taking by going back to a wife and gleefully sharing the "news" that her husband had a fling in the past. Either punitive in the poster's case or rather a chance to reconnect with someone she'd been pining over for the last year and a half. As far as working out marriage issues--once again--you're free to not take my opinion seriously--I feel it's between the two people alone to work out their issues not up to others to butt in. We don't know what lead the HB to stray and in the meantime they may have been on great footing...then along comes ex-lover to throw gasoline on the fire.

 

PUNITIVE is effing someone else behind my back and being lied to about it while my spouse pretended to be happily married and making future plans together with me.

 

A letter of apology for participating in that deception is simply a letter and the decent thing to do.

[So happy together]

Because it served no purpose to contact the wife, especially after so much time had passed. Not to assuage guilt, but rather to stir the pot. They may have worked out issues in their marriage...who knows. No one has the moral highground in this tale. The husband probably had concerns with the poster not accepting a break up (obsessive, stalker, etc.)...rightly so...and wanted to let her down gently with the "explanation" of the wife finding out. I think the whole story about being wracked with guilt over the wife is BS. More likely she wanted to reconnect somehow. A sensible person would have moved on and live and let live.

 

What a garbage post. You make at least five assumptions. She states she did what she thought was right. You have NO right to try and take that from her.

[So happy together]

:lmao:, you don't like my shoes, tacky and ugly also..........ummmm.

 

 

I would like to thank you for the howls of laughter as that is the first time someone tried to insult me by talking about my shoes. It didn't work.

 

Goes to the closet and looks for the thigh high boots. wink, wink

 

Frankly, I am completely jealous of your avatar, and wish I had found it first. Feminine, gorgeous, and also, a little scary. Perfect.

[Praying4Peace]

Daylily-

 

All these years you've been living a lie- that he had a Dday and that's why he left. I'm sure this came up in therapy. It was your reality and it was false. If you had known right when he said it that this was his cowardly way of getting out of the A situation you may have felt differently all these years.

 

Now take this logic and apply it to the BW. She's been living in a false reality too. I'm sure though she may hate your guts (normal) for having an affair with her husband she doesn't hate the fact that she found out.

 

He's a real jerk too- calling you out like that. So don't feel bad. I don't care if he thought he 'fixed it' with her. That just means he's happy and comfortable- nothing to do with his W. I'm sure now that his W knows she can make him fix it for real. From the way you describe him its going to involve a lot of "she was trying to stir the pot, break us up, etc." crap. Anything to take W's focus off the real problem.

 

Don't worry about it now. If your intentions were good then you did all you could.

[waterwoman]

daylily - you did the right thing. I think you sound like a generous and kind woman. Yes it hurt her but you didn't mean it to, quite the opposite. And although she may be sore now, long-term it will be a good thing for her.

[daylily]

This is going to be long. I am sorry. But I think it needs to be said:

 

First of all...Wow-Wee… Things have gotten lively on this thread.

 

Once again, Listen2me, presumes to know me, know what I think, know what I feel and know what motivates me based on one thread I started.

 

So here is the deal, I am going to try an explain what happened in sophomoric terms so the next time Listen2me starts “slinging” at me or other folks who post on this thread you can do so with (hopefully) some basic accuracy.

 

Listen2me: "Because it served no purpose to contact the wife, especially after so much time had passed. Not to assuage guilt, but rather to stir the pot. They may have worked out issues in their marriage...who knows. "

 

Daylily: How do you know it served no purpose?

 

I thought his wife KNEW about the affair.

 

Update for your future rants: She has since been in contact with me via Facebook. She thanked me for the letter. This is second marriage for both of them. She stated their marriage started as an affair. . . go figure! She also stated she knew he had had other affairs. She was kind – unlike him. I wished her well. We will have no more contact going forward. What she chooses to do is on her.

 

Listen2me: "The husband probably had concerns with the poster not accepting a break up (obsessive, stalker, etc.)...rightly so...and wanted to let her down gently with the "explanation" of the wife finding out. "

 

Daylily: Obsessive, stalker, etc. … rightly so. Ummm…ok, whatever you say. I kept his confidence for three years. He ended it saying his wife knew and wanted no contact, I was NOT let down gently—but I did go away quickly and very quietly, with not so much as peep until the letter. Which I will explain as a response to your next rant.

 

Listen2me: "I think the whole story about being wracked with guilt over the wife is BS. More likely she wanted to reconnect somehow. "

 

Daylily: First I will say you are more than entitled to your opinion. Now I will try to help you understand why I wrote the letter: I was devastated for two months after he dumped me. I literally functioned like a robot. Then it got easier, I could think clearly again, I could laugh again, I connected with friends and my family I put on the back burner to make time for the MM. Most importantly I found an AMAZING therapist! I don’t know if you are familiar with the 12 step AA recovery program, but part of that recovery is making amends for the hurt we have caused others. Affairs can have addictive properties. I am not saying all affairs are addictions, but there are similarities. My therapist encouraged me to make amends and accept full responsibility for my part in the affair as a part of the growth and healing process.

 

It took me a long, long, time to write that letter. My therapist read it before I sent it, I was so afraid of appearing disingenuous.

 

As far as reconnecting with ex-MM at the point I wrote that letter the thought of it made me physically ill.

 

When I mailed the letter I was in a normal, healthy relationship. My current boyfriend read it and he knows everything. I will NEVER live a life of lies again.

 

Listen2me: "A sensible person would have moved on and live and let live. "

 

Daylily: I will give you a point for this one! I was NOT sensible getting hooked up with a MM. That is for sure. Though, I have moved on and I am now living a good life.

 

Listn2me: "rather more of a punitive stance you'd be taking by going back to a wife and gleefully sharing the "news" that her husband had a fling in the past. Either punitive in the poster's case or rather a chance to reconnect with someone she'd been pining over for the last year and a half."

 

Daylily: Please see above, I did not do anything with punitive intent. And you are so out of line insinuating I took any “glee” or pleasure in any of this . . . if that were my intent, I would have raised hell when he dumped me and not have quietly faded away. I think your crystal ball needs some new batteries – it failed you on this one.

 

Question for you: Why are you so hell-bent on thinking I want to reconnect with this loser?

 

Listen2me: "I feel it's between the two people alone to work out their issues not up to others to butt in. We don't know what lead the HB to stray and in the meantime they may have been on great footing...then along comes ex-lover to throw gasoline on the fire. "

 

Daylily: I butted into nothing. Once again, I thought she knew. I offered and apology for my role in something that I take no pride in. I offered a since apology for inflicting pain on another woman I didn’t even know. You have no clue how long or how hard I had work to get to a healthy enough place I could even consider doing that.

 

As far as them working on their marriage… Can’t fix something if you don’t know it is broke. They were not on great footing. I know that after my conversation with her. Their marriage problems had nothing to do with me. They were not on great footing because of HIM. He was the gasoline on their marriage – not me.

 

Listen2me: "It's so disingenuous...this "concern" for the wife. You get off on exposing the cheater! And making his life (and the wive's) a living hell...in the name of truth. The truth isn't always so nice. EX) someone here has an UGLY blue shoe avatar. Its tackiness offends me. That's the truth but is it nice to say, not so much. "

 

Daylily: I think I covered everything in this rant already. Except for LadyGray’s shoe avatar! ‘Bout peed myself laughing when I read that! I LUUVVV those shoes Lady – and by God if I were younger and could still do spiked heels, I would wear them!

 

Cheers!

:bunny:

[DelusionalOne]

Daylilly.........I think you are one awesome woman! My hat (if I wore one) is off to you my lady. Hey I could send you my shoes. :D

 

Take care of yourself and I wish all wonderful things in your future. If you choose to keep hanging out here, I look forward to your posts.

 

Here here! I agree!

[2sure]

Because it served no purpose to contact the wife, especially after so much time had passed. Not to assuage guilt, but rather to stir the pot. They may have worked out issues in their marriage...who knows. No one has the moral highground in this tale. The husband probably had concerns with the poster not accepting a break up (obsessive, stalker, etc.)...rightly so...and wanted to let her down gently with the "explanation" of the wife finding out. I think the whole story about being wracked with guilt over the wife is BS. More likely she wanted to reconnect somehow. A sensible person would have moved on and live and let live.

 

I am listening to you and what Im hearing is: Your spouse is involved in an affair , and you are choosing to blame OW/OM.

[ThatJustHappened]

Fantastic post Daylily!! I applaud you.

[lifelesson101]

What a great post daylily! People do presume to know a lot about us based on one paragraph or one thing we have done in life. I think you have done a good job setting the record straight with your fellow poster.

[ThatJustHappened]

LOL, I assume you are speaking of me.

 

Oh no Lily.....now you've been thrown into the bin of those terrible mean old former remorseful ow's who have ugly shoe avatars. :lmao:

 

I'd rather be me.......

 

Are you sure you're thinking of Lifelesson and not Listen2me?

[Praying4Peace]

Thanks for sharing DayLily. You should be proud of the way you've recovered over the last three years. And I feel like the letter was Karma in some way for him.

 

Just wanted to add: The random 'ugly' shoe comment in this thread is the funniest thing on LoveShack. I literally laughed out loud when I read it. FWIW I like the shoe a lot :laugh:

[daylily]

Thanks for sharing DayLily. You should be proud of the way you've recovered over the last three years. And I feel like the letter was Karma in some way for him.

 

Just wanted to add: The random 'ugly' shoe comment in this thread is the funniest thing on LoveShack. I literally laughed out loud when I read it. FWIW I like the shoe a lot :laugh:

 

I agree! The shoe thing was hysterical and took on a life if it's own. LOL

[daylily]

If everyone agreed this would be a boring place. Thank God it isn't. OP, you have received overwhelming support from all sides of the triangle. Do not let a lone poster on an anonymous board have head space that is not edifying in anyway to your continued progress. You and your therapist ( I like the 12 step program as well and have used it's steps to healing) think what you did was the right move for you..........that is all. It is not necessary for you take the time to feed into someone else's needs.

 

Thanks, bnb. I was not so much feeding into someone else's needs as much as I was trying to set the record straight because no one here knows me.

 

This thread was also getting to the point where disparaging comments were being made about others that had nothing to do with anything! That is never good and serves no purpose. I didn't want it to get out of hand. Hopefully my long winded "explanation" will help clarify things for all readers.

[daylily]

Listen2me's post are gone. . .

They must weed out the trolls quickly here. Wow.

[Turtles]

Bit of a shame, it was interesting to have a dissenting opinion, even if it was one most would disagree with.

[daylily]

Bit of a shame, it was interesting to have a dissenting opinion, even if it was one most would disagree with.

 

I agree with you! As outrageous as they were in their remarks; the banter made me think and review my own personal situation. It was helpful in a twisted sort of way.