Trying to Move on, Can't Stop Thinking of Her

[fiftyofsomethin]

Hey everyone, this happens to be my first post, but I have been reading other posts on here for a while because the experiences of others have been pretty helpful so far. But after waking up today, I just sort of feel like I've hit a low point.

 

Let me give a bit of a background story eh? (I'll try to cut it down to it's main parts)

 

Okay so basically, we started talking back in December, ended up going out officially in January, and broke up on March 14th. That time together was probably the happiest I've been in my life. I loved her and she told me she loved me. She told me how attached she was to me all the time and told me how much she thought we were perfect. Hell, even when I told her it would suck when we breakup before college, she told me that she didn't want to (Wow, what a hypocrite). So anyways, we were good up until 10 days before we broke up. Literally overnight things got awkward. We couldn't find ways to talk or enjoy each other and just felt awkward walking with each other. So on the tenth day of that she decided to breakup telling me "she was too busy with school and soccer to figure out how to fix a relationship". So she decided that we shouldn't talk for a while because she didn't have time to talk with anyone for a while.

 

Well that was complete crap and I knew it. She has been hanging out and talking with her friends more than ever since we broke up. She has been or at least seems to be happier than ever right now. She has made tons of new friends through her youth ministry group and, well, as good as that is for her, it sucks for me. I never was given a legitimate reason why we broke up. SOMETHING had to make her feel it was okay to leave someone she "loved". And on top of it, she doesn't seem fazed at all that we aren't together.

 

We haven't even talked in month and a half since we broke up apart from a single text I sent a few weeks back checking up on her (I know that was stupid, but hell, she responded). And we will see each other in the hallways at school a couple of times a day. At first she would smile and give me a little wave, but now she ignores me completely and so do her friends. I feel like I did something terrible and I'm being punished for it. I asked one of my other friends who is a girl who apparently talks to her a bit, and she told me that my ex told her that she thought I "just didn't get it" that we were over. But.... I do.

 

And just to complicate things a bit more, her ex BEFORE me, I just found out had actually visited her house a few times while I was dating her to "apologize" for something. I don't know what, but even after we broke up, he apparently has been trying to contact her more and more and even HE hasn't been able to let go of her. I've heard that her relationship with him lasted almost exactly as long as mine did with her.

 

And on top of this, Prom is coming up in a few weeks.... so that's fantastic.

 

One of my closer friends that is a girl told me she would like to go with me because she knew I didn't have anyone to go with, and so that's who I'm going with, and I know that my ex is going with "someone from her church group".

 

So let's fast forward to how I'm feeling NOW. Right now, I feel quite bad, but it's really odd, because I have been able to completely forget about her and feel happy about every other day, but then if I see her being happy or enjoying her life with friends, I am suddenly back in the ****ter.

 

I just want to stop worrying about her and stop having my feelings be reliant on her behavior and actions. I just want to move on completely from her. She wasn't that special, but it hurts me every time I see her with how she treats me and how she is so happy without me.

 

I have been doing a few things to get my mind off of her: I have been working out much more, helping out at the local food pantry for the homeless, and I just got a pretty great job.

 

But still, my question remains: why is it that I just can't let her out of my mind and how do I stop being so reliant on her affection/attention?

 

I do apologize for the frustratingly long story. I feel like I left out some important details, but I think I gave the more important parts.

 

Even if no one responds, I feel like I just needed to get all my thoughts on paper or the internet as it were.

 

Thanks guys! I really hope you have a great day!

[fiftyofsomethin]

Oh and sorry, I forgot to add that she DID tell me when we broke up that "if things change, they change, but for right now we need to be broken up".

 

And as definitive as that may sound to you guys, I unfortunately took that as hope that we would eventually get back together. FALSE hope.

 

Thanks again guys, sorry that was a bit of a random addition.

[iouaname]

Yeah the false hope is the worst thing ever, and even when people tell you that it's false hope and that you shouldn't believe it - we still do

 

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong! And honestly, she seems like the kind of person who wants you to be unhappy because she dumped you. I would not be surprised if once you've truly moved on and become happy, she finds a reason to become angry with you.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Yeah the false hope is the worst thing ever, and even when people tell you that it's false hope and that you shouldn't believe it - we still do

 

It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong! And honestly, she seems like the kind of person who wants you to be unhappy because she dumped you. I would not be surprised if once you've truly moved on and become happy, she finds a reason to become angry with you.

 

Yeah, it is quite frustrating. I suppose I expected things to end how they did with my last ex. We ended things quite civilly and have remained good friends since (people say it's impossible, but it worked). The problem is that I believe my new ex has just been trying so damn hard to make it clear that we are over that she hasn't had time to realize that I know this. I KNOW that we won't get back together. And even if I was given the chance, I wouldn't.

 

Unfortunately it's as if she read a book on how to perfectly move on after a breakup and she is pulling it off with flying colors. She is happy, has friends to hang out with, is making NEW friends, and she has TWO guys to fall back on if she feels weak. (me and her other ex).

 

I agree. She just seems to be trying to build up her ego and self-esteem by knowing that she could have more or someone like me just waiting idly by her side.

 

I need to just show her that I don't give a **** about her and show that I am NOT readily available to her.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I unfortunately don't even feel that I meant much to her to start with. There is no other way that it could be this easy for her to be over me.

 

Even when we met and started talking, I realize how easy I made it for her. I was THAT easy guy she could be with. I made her into too much of my life. She became my only source of fun. I stopped talking and hanging out with friends, they even commented on that when we were together. And now that we are broken up, I need them more than ever and they all seem to be busy.

 

I was too available to her, and wished she was more available to me. And when I think she realized this, she didn't want to deal with this and left. I just don't think I meant as much to her as I thought or as much as she wanted me to believe.

 

It's a huge blow to my ego and self-esteem to now have realized that I must have been some disposable pleasure that she never felt any true closeness to.

 

How else could she have gotten over me so easily? It never even seemed like she had trouble! The ONLY time I got a hint of regret was when she poked me on Facebook the day after our breakup and that was so infinitely small, it probably wasn't even anything.

 

It's like she just wanted me out of her life. Like she didn't want anything to do with me. It's like she has bigger and "better" things/people to move on to. She must have thought I wasn't good enough for her.

 

And she can probably tell that I am hurting somehow, that's why she can be so happy without me and not think about me at all. Because she doesn't need to. The more she forgets about me, the more I think of her.

 

So obviously, the only solution is to just forget about her the way she did to me. But as you know, this is just not that easy. I am able to forget about her for a day or two, but once I see how she has moved on again through Facebook or Twitter or something, and I see how happy she is, it just discourages me because it makes me feel like my efforts were fruitless.

 

I know that if she apparently didn't think I meant anything to her, why should I think she meant anything to me? It helps to think these things through, but again, it just makes it so much more difficult when I see she is still so happy without me.

 

I'm sorry for the painfully long post again. I wasn't so much looking for answers as I was just literally journaling all the thoughts I just had. Some of those statements might even contradict each other but whatever.

 

Again, any comments are well appreciated. Venting really helps. I suppose that all I really needed/still need is to know EXACTLY what I need to do.

 

It does help to know that my efforts might actually change the way she sees me, but alas, I just cannot hold onto that hope. I have seen how she treats her other ex, so I CANNOT resort to the methods of begging and pleading. I need to show her and MYSELF that I can move on and be happy without her and prove that she didn't mean that much to me.

 

Thanks guys if you read to all of that lol.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Well, I was really hopeful in my last post, but well, I just can't stop this.

 

I felt good for a little bit and then I just checked Facebook and I see a post from her about helping out a friend with a scholarship paper. Nothing big really. But it's just the way she talks and the way she seems to have no remorse at all about anything with me. I know she is happy and can relax without me somehow, but it just hurts so much every time I see posts from her or tweets or I see her in person.

 

It's just so painful to see her happy without me and seeming to just not have any regrets of our relationship. She just doesn't care about me. It's as if she become happier and happier every single day we have been apart. I just don't know how to block her out. Unfriending her and unfollowing her on things doesn't work because I keep going back and checking that stuff anyways.

 

My self-esteem is just taking a huge beating.

 

Why can't I just focus on my own life the way she is focusing on hers?

 

There hasn't been any legitimate reason for me to believe she is or has been seeing another guy, but if I were to find out, I just do not know what I would do. I'm so afraid of my feelings and so frustrated by them. Why can I not just let go of this crap and be happy and excited for my own life instead of spending all my time worrying about hers?

 

This is unhealthy and I need to find a way to stop it.

[Am4Real]

Not to over simplify or pull down the way you feel, but you really only knew each other a short period of time and were in the early dating stages.

 

Perhaps she felt you were not the right one for her; it is likely that simple. And although she did "everything in your heart" for you, she simply did not feel the same.

 

It's not your fault. You did not abuse her; you did not lie to her; you did not ignore her; you did what you could. Simply there is not the chemistry there you had hoped for.

 

Sorry for the pain; it does hurt.

 

Post here. Get your feelings out, vent all you like. We will all be here with you through the healing process.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Not to over simplify or pull down the way you feel, but you really only knew each other a short period of time and were in the early dating stages.

 

Perhaps she felt you were not the right one for her; it is likely that simple. And although she did "everything in your heart" for you, she simply did not feel the same.

 

It's not your fault. You did not abuse her; you did not lie to her; you did not ignore her; you did what you could. Simply there is not the chemistry there you had hoped for.

 

Sorry for the pain; it does hurt.

 

Post here. Get your feelings out, vent all you like. We will all be here with you through the healing process.

 

Thanks man, that really actually helped.

 

I have toyed with the idea of that quite a bit. It's just a bit confusing. Nearly the same exact thing happened to her other ex too, and its been more than a year since their breakup and he isn't taking nearly as well as I have. And as you know, I haven't taken it perfectly on top of that.

 

But all in all, I just feel like I need to move on and look towards my future with optimism.

 

Now. About how I should actually do that. I'm still stuck in the stage where I sort of get butterflies (of fear) whenever I see her name pop up somewhere on social media.

[Am4Real]

I'm sure in a short period of time several posters are going to jump on this thread and tell you all about NO CONTACT.

 

I'm not going to elaborate in this posting except to have you search for the updated GUIDE TO NO CONTACT as re-written by TaraMaiden.

 

It covers all the aspects of social media and should be of great use to you.

 

Good luck!!

 

 

Thanks man, that really actually helped.

 

I have toyed with the idea of that quite a bit. It's just a bit confusing. Nearly the same exact thing happened to her other ex too, and its been more than a year since their breakup and he isn't taking nearly as well as I have. And as you know, I haven't taken it perfectly on top of that.

 

But all in all, I just feel like I need to move on and look towards my future with optimism.

 

Now. About how I should actually do that. I'm still stuck in the stage where I sort of get butterflies (of fear) whenever I see her name pop up somewhere on social media.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I'm sure in a short period of time several posters are going to jump on this thread and tell you all about NO CONTACT.

 

I'm not going to elaborate in this posting except to have you search for the updated GUIDE TO NO CONTACT as re-written by TaraMaiden.

 

It covers all the aspects of social media and should be of great use to you.

 

Good luck!!

 

Oh trust me, I know all about no contact. I have been doing it since the day we broke up.

 

Well, as much as you can do when you see your ex 3-4 times a day in school because we walk in the same halls in school.

 

Literally the only contact I've had with her since the breakup is one text I sent her checking up on her (I know, I caved, but I didn't make it obvious that I wasn't over her), I played it cool, she responded predictably with a very non-conversation-inviting text. And I never responded to that. And the only interaction other than that is literally seeing each other in the hallways.

 

So I suppose other than that one time I caved a couple of weeks ago, I have not truly contacted her.

[chuzzbug]

Man, I feel for you.

 

Not to be cynical, but what you're going through is the price for "the happiest time of your life." This isn't to say that you should avoid getting close to someone and opening to them. It's to say that your frustration, anger, low self-esteem and hollowness are the natural response.

 

You were together for a couple of months and it hasn't been that long since the breakup. Given that you're still mixing together (environment, friends, etc), it will take a bit more time for you to stop having an emotional reaction to thinking of her.

 

What's important is that you do as many things as possible that make this detachment of emotion from memories as fast as possible. Don't sabotage this process. If you catch yourself thinking of her, try to stop (do a puzzle, or watch a stupid video - yes, even kitten videos are ok in this case).

 

Form new memories that don't involve the same people and places - this is a good strategy. These memories will act as a buffer between you and the past, and make the past a little more abstract. Our brains have a limit to what they consider to be the "present".

[fiftyofsomethin]

It's a good thing that I love kitten videos then hahaha

[chuzzbug]

Just don't let them ruin your sensibilities.

 

Which I assume you still possess.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Just don't let them ruin your sensibilities.

 

Which I assume you still possess.

 

I'm not gonna keep my pride and pretend I know what you mean by that lol, can you clarify?

[fiftyofsomethin]

And another thing I just sort of noticed:

 

I was just going through the Facebook page for the youth group she is in and I sort of checked out the profiles of some friends she has met through it and well, I am completely and wholly jealous of the experiences and community she has available to her in that group.

 

It's such a wholesome and supporting group and her friends are really genuine. Some of the people in that group seem to even have those friends as their ONLY main friends. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm saying that as a testament to the community it seems to have.

 

Like the pictures on the page appear as if they are having loads of fun with fun people. It's just..... I wish I had something like that. She even offered for me to go with her to her youth group one time "in the future" but we sort of broke up before I got that chance. I really wish I had a chance to experience that. Not even really so much having anything to do with her, it's just a cool group I wish I could find a place in.

 

Whatever, I know, I know. I need to move on and forget about her, but still it's just a bit of jealousy that she has these great opportunities to move on and be happy, and I simply do not have anything that compares to that.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Okay, just a stupid thought I had when I woke up:

 

I woke up and you know how it tells you the last time a friend was online on the chat bar thing on Facebook?

 

Well yeah, so I checked that and it said she was last online around 1 AM.

 

"She would NEVER stay up that late with me or anyone else, she MUST be talking to someone else right?" - my brain.

 

It's really annoying when I get these thoughts. Even if she was seeing someone else now, I need to learn how to just not care about it. She wouldn't care about me if I found someone else, so why should I care if she finds someone else?

 

Eh. It seems like the mornings have been the worst parts of the days lately. It's when I go on social media and find out what everyone did the night before and what I didn't do unfortunately.

 

Onward.

[Minneloa]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. That said, both of your last posts are about Facebook-related triggers. This is unnecessary self-torture. Block her.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. That said, both of your last posts are about Facebook-related triggers. This is unnecessary self-torture. Block her.

 

Unfortunately, it's a quite difficult situation.

 

I promise you that I have done everything in my power to not receive any updates from her while still being friends. I hid her updates, I turned off chat for her (which unfortunately is easy to turn on and off)

 

We promised each other that we wouldn't do anything immature like block each other on Facebook and other similar things. I know how stupid it sounds to deny myself the proper healing I deserve, but it's unfortunately the terms of the breakup, and as annoyed and pissed off I am at her, I am someone who takes promises seriously, a bit too seriously maybe.

[Minneloa]

Unfortunately, it's a quite difficult situation.

 

I promise you that I have done everything in my power to not receive any updates from her while still being friends. I hid her updates, I turned off chat for her (which unfortunately is easy to turn on and off)

 

We promised each other that we wouldn't do anything immature like block each other on Facebook and other similar things. I know how stupid it sounds to deny myself the proper healing I deserve, but it's unfortunately the terms of the breakup, and as annoyed and pissed off I am at her, I am someone who takes promises seriously, a bit too seriously maybe.

 

With all due respect, I do think you are taking the "terms of the breakup" too seriously. It is NOT immature to give yourself "the proper healing [you] deserve." This is simple self-preservation and self-care, which is your right.

 

Bottom line: I urge you to put yourself first here; she certainly is.

[fiftyofsomethin]

With all due respect, I do think you are taking the "terms of the breakup" too seriously. It is NOT immature to give yourself "the proper healing [you] deserve." This is simple self-preservation and self-care, which is your right.

 

Bottom line: I urge you to put yourself first here; she certainly is.

 

Thank you so much for the supportive words.

 

Yes. I do know that this is my time. I have been working towards myself for a time now. With my new job, working out more, and volunteering at the food pantry, I believe that I have do have a decent start, it's just this odd loyalty I have to hold promises. It's something I will have to deal with, I'm afraid.

 

I have these moments where I can completely forget about her and be happy, but when I go back to thoughts about how I enjoyed something we did together in the past and/or thoughts about how happy she is now/what she is doing now, I just regress a bit.

 

It's a process that I am very willing to go through, it just might take a bit to actually get through it.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Well today seems like it was better for the most part.

 

I was able to hang out and get lunch with a buddy of mine today. Had some good laughs had some good serious talks.

 

It's great to know that you can have some pretty damn good friends sometimes. Even though he has a girlfriend who usually wants to do something with him and ends up being the reason he has to go, it's cool he and my other buddies can still spend time with me.

 

Yes of course my thoughts drifted to my ex a few more times than I would have hoped today, it was overall pretty successful I'd say.

 

With my friends, my new job, volunteering, and working out, I think I might just be able to kick this breakup's ass.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Well, today I haven't exactly run into any problems regarding my ex or me getting over my ex.

 

Today I have had some pretty extreme trouble trying to focus on things.

 

I was okay for my first few classes, but I have had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I have so many other things I need to do, even if I don't it's frustrating.

 

The way my mind works is that I just cannot seem to remember things. Everything very easily overwhelms me because in my head, I feel like I subconsciously add things to my internal "to do list". It might just have been a thought I had that I wanted to tel someone about later or whatever, but then when I go back and try to think about or remember what those things were, I simply cannot.

 

The whole time I am thinking about how I can't remember anything, which in turn makes me focus on exactly that: the fact that I am having trouble remembering things. This may be very hard to follow what I mean I'm sorry.

 

It's almost like every time I actually intentionally set my mind to remembering something, a fog goes over my mind and all I can focus on is the action of remembering, but that doesn't actually accomplish anything.

 

 

Well. Now that I have completely confused all of you, I just wanna say thanks again for listening to all my crap. I hope to hear from you guys soon!

[fiftyofsomethin]

Dammit I just don't know what to think anymore.

 

It seems like I have so many things to accomplish, but I can't focus on or start working on any of them because I am always thinking about all the other crap.

 

It's a vicious cycle.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I apologize for the over-posting I have done lately, but I believe I have just found a temporary fix that I wish to share with all of you guys that might be reading this even if you find this later on on Google or something.

 

So basically these were my thoughts:

 

I need to actually go through every thought on my mind and realize that if I let go of the thoughts in the moment that nothing bad will come or happen to me. I then later think “well I will need to eventually do those things” but if I am focused, I will actually be able to do them, rather than sit and stare at the wall wondering about everything I need to do. And also remember that there is absolutely no need to think about [my ex]. She isn’t thinking about you so you shouldn’t need to think about her. You do occasionally go back to thinking of the good times you had or things you wish you could tell her or the things you wish you could do with her in the future, but that is all irrelevant. You can enjoy the past memories, but any future plans with her are not necessary. Just move on with your life and enjoy all it has to offer you in the moment right now.

 

I sort of switched over to referring to myself as "you" halfway through but you get the idea.

[Am4Real]

I think you are making your experience into something more than you may have to.

 

Realize you are grieving. The grieving process is one of pain, inner-perspective, sorrow and so on. It's perfectly normal. Go through it and not around it.

 

Many posts ago you told us you understood NC. I told you to read the updated guide pinned to this forum. You clearly did not absorb it if you even read it since you continually go to her FB page or some other source for updates.

 

My friend, you are torturing yourself and violating NC every time you do that.

 

You have to make up your mind about healing and get determined or you will be posting your journal here where it is obvious to me you're going around in circles.

 

Make sense?

 

 

I apologize for the over-posting I have done lately, but I believe I have just found a temporary fix that I wish to share with all of you guys that might be reading this even if you find this later on on Google or something.

 

So basically these were my thoughts:

 

I need to actually go through every thought on my mind and realize that if I let go of the thoughts in the moment that nothing bad will come or happen to me. I then later think “well I will need to eventually do those things” but if I am focused, I will actually be able to do them, rather than sit and stare at the wall wondering about everything I need to do. And also remember that there is absolutely no need to think about [my ex]. She isn’t thinking about you so you shouldn’t need to think about her. You do occasionally go back to thinking of the good times you had or things you wish you could tell her or the things you wish you could do with her in the future, but that is all irrelevant. You can enjoy the past memories, but any future plans with her are not necessary. Just move on with your life and enjoy all it has to offer you in the moment right now.

 

I sort of switched over to referring to myself as "you" halfway through but you get the idea.