Adult children of alcoholics

[cocorico]

On another thread, someone posted the following list of risks for adult children of alcoholics. Several of us on LS have identified as adult children of alcoholics, and as one such, I read the list with interest.

 

Of the following:

 

 

Become isolated

Fear people and authority figures

Become approval seekers

Be frightened of angry people

Be terrified of personal criticism

Become alcoholics, marry them or both

View life as a victim

Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility

Be concerned more with others than themselves

Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves

Become addicted to excitement

Confuse love and pity

'Love' people who need rescuing

Stuff their feelings

Lose the ability to feel

Have low self-esteem

Judge themselves harshly

Become terrified of abandonment

Do anything to hold on to a relationship

Become "para-alcoholics" without drinking

Become reactors instead of actors

 

I related to the following:

 

• Becoming isolated - though this was as a child, and resolved once I left my parents' home;
  
• Stuff their feelings - again, this was as a child; as an adult, I learned to reconnect;
  
• Lose the ability to feel - again, this was a defence as a child, since outgrown
  
• Judge themselves harshly - I used to hold myself to much higher standards than I would apply to other people. I've learned to be more consistent over time, judging myself and others by the same measures (though I do still judge others by their *values*, rather than by my own)
  
• Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility - I do sometimes still fall prey to this, but I have learned to temper it
  
• Be concerned more with others than themselves - this is still true in a political sense, but on a personal level I have learned to consider my own needs too
  
• Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves - I've always stood up for injustice, though been reluctant to speak up when the injustice was against me. But with time I've learned to accept that "an injury to one is an injury to all" and to see it as a matter of principle, rather than a personal matter.
  

 

I'm interested in what resonances others who identify as adult children of alcoholics find in the list.

[in_absentia]

Become isolated - not at all

 

Fear people and authority figures - nope

 

Become approval seekers - nope!

 

Be frightened of angry people - no

 

Be terrified of personal criticism - no, though people have said I can never admit when I'm wrong (which I didn't agree with, not sure what that says )

 

Become alcoholics, marry them or both - not at all

 

View life as a victim - not in the slightest, have lived more than my share of tragedy but I'm definitely not a victim

 

Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility - yes.

 

Be concerned more with others than themselves - to an extent, I spend a lot of time doing voluntary work and am always there for friends who need me, I care deeply about others

 

Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves - nope

 

Become addicted to excitement - I do love adrenaline, sky diving, abseiling, roller coasters

 

Confuse love and pity - no

 

'Love' people who need rescuing - no, though I did last fall in love with somebody and it failed before it got off the ground because his prior depression and anxiety returned big time and he just wasn't in the right place to make a proper go at it. When we fell for each other though he thought he was over it all, and it coming back was a big shock... mental health issues don't scare or worry me so even knowing his history I wasn't bothered.

 

Stuff their feelings - sorry... what?

 

Lose the ability to feel - no, I feel very deeply

 

Have low self-esteem - not at all, probably the opposite!

 

Judge themselves harshly - sometimes, yes. If I do average in assignments I think I'm stupid and should have known better

 

Become terrified of abandonment - no

 

Do anything to hold on to a relationship - absolutely not

 

Become "para-alcoholics" without drinking - not sure what this means

 

Become reactors instead of actors - no

 

 

To be fair, my mum's alcoholism didn't really manifest itself problematically until I was 19, though she was dead by the time I was 22.