Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 Wow. I have just gone through extreme emotions in a matter of 10 seconds. Reading Meanon and Quilly's post I actually began crying. I should have been prepared, but went from crying to laughing immediately when I read Spock's Really--I appreciate all of your thoughts. And, I know--finally I actually know--what I need to do. Part of me is scared and even procrastinating a little because I don't want to face going through the motions of leaving. But, part of me is relieved....I kinda feel like I've found myself and for the first time ever, I'm prepared to be on my own. I keep going over things in my mind. Packing, moving, to where, but mostly--how should I tell my girls. I have been careful to be honest with them about things. My oldest - 8 - has asked me recently if, when we are going to get married again. I told her I really don't know. That we have been together these past months because we weren't being very good friends apart and we are trying to figure out if getting married would be the best thing. When it gets to that point, I really want my H and I to both sit down and talk to them. He was never willing to do that before, because he said "I'm not the one who wants it, you do, you tell them why you're leaving." Any suggestions on how I can convince him to handle things differently this time? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Yes. Don't give him any other option but to do what you want. Tell him, don't ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 Well, that sounds nice and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 I just wish I could convince him to sit down with me and the kids and discuss it with them. And, then be a mature adult when we're apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 I was married once before, and have a daughter with my ex. My ex is not the greatest guy in world, and I went through a lot of angst about him not being the best Dad for my daughter. Finally, with a little counseling help, I realized that nothing I can do will ever make him a better person, or a better father. It doesn't matter how angry I get, or how much agonize about it, it's not going to happen. All I can do, is the be the best mother I can, and provide my daughter with the best life I can, given the circumstances. My daughter has a good life, not perfect, but good nonetheless. The thing that really helped me too, was letting go of any expectations I had of my ex as a father. My daughter loves her Dad, and he definitely still has his problems, but he cares about her, and she knows that. She doesn't really see all his problems, although she is becoming more aware of them as she gets older. He is who he is, and that's enough for her. He is what he is, and that's enough for her. My expectation is that I am responsible for her, and whatever he does is extra. I think part of that comes from really seperating myself from him as a couple. The only relationship we have is as parents of our daughter. We are cordial and friendly, and attend functions for my daughter without problems, but we have both moved on in our lives. It sounds like when you and your husband divorced, you didn't really make that kind of seperation. He especially didn't, but allowed him not to seperate. If you divorce, and are clear that you are doing the best thing for yourself and your children, then you will be able to seperate from him and mean it. He needs to know that there is no going back. Then you can get rid of that issue of "why don't you do it for their sake", it won't even be up for discussion. I've been divorced over 10 years, and the first few years were tough, but now my ex and I get along well. We both have reached a place where we want the best for our daughter. No matter what I think, I never say anything bad about him in front of my daughter. I also try never to argue with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 It sounds like when you and your husband divorced, you didn't really make that kind of seperation. Definitely. And, I think this is the crux of the problem. He really is a wonderful, wonderful father. Even when we were apart, they weren't aware he was using them against me. That was a battle between he and I....because of your statement above. I realize now that was as much my fault as his because I not only allowed it, but I didn't make the separation either. I couldn't do it for many reasons...separating myself from him as a couple means there will eventually be another woman in their lives. That absolutely kills me....so I have been selfish also. I never used them as a bargaining tool for guilt like he did, but I inadvertently let my own selfishness for them get in the way of him moving on also. I have the most wonderful kids in the world (ok, I know everyone else does too why can't things just be easier........ Link to post Share on other sites
Butchey Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Don't start feeling threatened by the imaginary other woman. Like Matilda said, becoming the best mother you can is what your priority should be. Kids do just as well with one full time parent as with two as long as you keep them a priority in your life. As well as focusing on your children, you need support. This website is a good start. Keep talking and listening. The support you get from others who can empathise with you is important. Your family can give you needed support as well but having people who have gone through it, you will fare better. If there is a divorced womens support group in your area I highly recommend it. Also don't settle for what you are given. You are the more stable and better parent. Get mad if you have to but get the most you can.......for your children. He sounds like a manipulator (no pun intended), don't let him talk you out of anything. Yes, he may be a great father on the outside but I don't think a good father puts his kids in the line of fire. That is bad. Keep talking! Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 I def need the support from LS. Most of my family live in other states. I am SURROUNDED by his family. Most of them are supportive and love me, even outside of him. But, I still feel very alone sometimes. I sometimes feel like the rebel in this small, little, hypocritical town. I have gotten to the point that not only doesn't bother me, I kinda like knowing that I'm being real....not two-faced like many of our married friends who cheat while their spouse is away, and then go to church on Sunday and teach class like nothing happened. The only thing that bothers me is I don't want my girls to have to deal with the stigma of having a single mother....and it's very likely in a small town such as ours. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 OMG! After reading this post, I may end up on blood pressure medication!!! Submit??? Geeeeez You know, I grew up in the bible belt, so I've got a pretty good idea of what he has in mind, so I hope you told him to kiss your a$$ And if you take it to his preacher, what do you think the preacher will tell you? Stand your ground here. Tell him that if he EVER wants to be with you that he'll drag his pompous behind to whatever cousellor that you want to go to. And keep draggin' it there until something finally sinks in too. You know, that "my way or the highway" crap runs both ways. So if he wants to play a game of ultimatums, he should be prepared to live with the outcome. And if you have to worry about new women in your kids lives, he can equally live with the idea of new men sleeping with his ex-wife. And if the town gossips want to know what happened, fill 'em in on ALL the details! You just say, "gosh, he wanted sex 3 times a day and the kids were running amok all the time with no one to watch them". I think I'll go have an aspirin now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author findinmyway Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 Gee, thanks LJ Just kiddin...I hear ya. I've been looking online for homes for sale.....although, there's another problem. I put myself in a bind by selling the house I bought ON MY OWN to move back in with him. I don't really have any money down right now. But I really want to buy...the rental market isn't too great where I live. For the first time ever, I may ask my GM for a loan. I've never borrowed $ from parent or anyone. My dad's gone and mom lives far away, and can't afford it. Maybe I'll find the perfect place and know it was meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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