I am in a very complicated situation.

[CRS]

Okay, where to begin here. This will take some time, but please, bear with me. I am in love with the most generous, warm, funny, charming, beautiful woman to ever live (MT). She doesn't feel the same way about me.

 

It all started around August of 2012. MT was a sophomore, new to the Debate team, and as a veteran and a senior I was supposed to take her under my wing. We quickly became close friends. After a couple of weeks, I noticed that my feelings were growing much stronger than that. This scared the bejesus out of me.

 

I've always made a conscious, and looking back cowardly, effort to avoid love. Every time I started to feel attracted to a woman I would distance myself, almost reflexively. I consider myself physically unattractive, with massive lips and a not negligible amount of excess weight. My personality is too formal, and I have a really sarcastic and cynical sense of humor. All of this makes rejection inevitable, more or less.

 

Every time I ran away from love, the feelings would quickly disappear anyways, so I avoided what would have been meaningless relationships. I tried to do the same with MT, but I couldn't. This was different, real and strong. I never seriously believed in love before, but now I was certain it was real, and that I was deeply in love with her.

 

She has opened me up to a whole new level of life. Just her presence is enough to make me indescribably happy. I want to share everything with her. She's in my dreams, when I think of my future she is there.

 

Being as inexperienced with love as I am, my obsession frightened me. MT had a boyfriend (BG) that she loved for Christ's sake! I had to tell her about this, but I was afraid. Then on the bus one frigid December morning, Hey Jude came on, and I thought, "This is the time." I asked her to meet me. I had everything rehearsed, planned.

 

All that went out the window as soon as I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. I stuttered and stumbled, and managed to vaguely communicate a glimpse of a shadow of my feelings. The kind glow in her eyes turned to a sort of sad, frightened surprise that will haunt me until the day I die.

 

She told me that she saw me as a very close friend, but nothing more. I understood. And so we remained just friends, and things weren't all that bad, really. She was still always on my mind, but at least it was all out in the open. Sort of.

 

I remember one night, her BG, a fellow senior, was playing at a bar with his band. He didn't know about my feelings for MT, even though I hadn't been very subtle, and he invited me to see the gig. I am not a very social person, at all really, but I knew she would be there, so I went. I spent pretty much the whole night talking to her, and zoning out thinking about her. When someone would ask, I'd say I was just tired. Ha! Tired? For the first time ever, I felt alive. MT gives me purpose.

 

Things fell apart between the two of them in February of 2013. BG left her, called her immature. He just wanted to control her, he had always been a control freak, and he always wanted to beat her at anything she tried to do. He disgusted me. She wept over him nightly for weeks, but I tried to help her through it all. I told MT what I thought of him, of his shallow, immature, insecure, controlling personality. I said he wasn't worthy of her love, of her tears.

 

She got over him eventually. She saw how big of a prick he was, and that she deserved better. Finally, not only was she happy, but at long last I had a shot at eternal happiness! This was only the start of the darkest time in my brief life so far.

 

Both of us qualified for the district Extemporaneous Speaking tournament. Mt was so nervous, this being her first year and all, so I bent the rules just a smidge and helped her with all her speeches. She got second, and I got fourth. Ordinarily, that would be reversed, but I didn't care. Her happiness has become more important to me than my own.

 

MT's best friend and a close friend of mine (SP) had always had feelings for her. Around this time he got creepy and controlling with them. I did my best to help her get through his idiocy. He seemed incapable of taking no for an answer.

 

The week before regionals, in April, something started to come over me. Something strong, and sad, and obsessive. I tried to tell her my feelings again, knowing full well that it would change nothing. This time, I didn't stutter. I emptied out the contents of my soul to her, but then I caught myself, thinking she was scared and uncomfortable.

 

She said she was sad, and not because she was uncomfortable. She was sad because she couldn't change anything, and because she thought I deserve better. I told her my point of view, that there's nothing to change, and that nobody is better. She thanked me. All of this laid the groundwork for one heck of a debacle.

 

MT's good friend and onetime unrequited bisexual love interest (CH) was going out with a close friend of the two of them (MS). MS was never my enemy really, but he always seemed shifty and unpleasant. He showed his true colors that week by attempting to manipulate both MT and CH in an apparent attempt to get both women. He ended up devastating their friendship. I tried to guide MT through it all, helping to console her and repair the damage that MS had done with his manipulation.

 

The next weekend was the tournament, held in a wonderful coastal town, overnight. I followed her everywhere, trying to talk to her whenever I could. I thought that maybe one sufficiently deep oceanside conversation would finally make her fall for me. It was a foolish thought, and my frightening following became bothersome for her, but I never picked up on it. I even caused two transportation calamities working it out so I could stay for the second night.

 

I noticed a day later what a fool I had been. I told her of my embarrassment, my regret, my obsession. She said that she understood. Apparently I never bothered her before. I wasn't convinced of this.

 

I lamented that I would be graduating soon, and that she would no longer be a part of my life. She said that she still would want me around. She values my friendship. I was astonished. After what I had done, she still cared for me?!

 

Later that night, I hit an all time low. I am absolutely serious when I say that for about four hours I became a dedicated nihilist. I hated life, and I wanted to die. It was what she said earlier that pulled me out. She may not have loved me, but at least she cared. My death would hurt her, and I could never bring myself to do that. Maybe nobody else would shed even a single tear, but I couldn't cause her any pain or guilt.

 

I realized that I needed to change. Of all the troublemaking men in MT's life, I had been the worst. I saw in my obsessive self shades of BG, SP, and MS. All of this was caused by my subtle but pushy manipulation, by my constant attempts to push the matter of "us" to the forefront. I had tried to use grief to blackmail her into living me, into feeling sorry for me. I swore that I would be more passive. I had gone as far as possible, the ball was in her court now. Trying to push further would just cause both of us grief. Just knowing her seemed a privilege, and while my loneliness was soul-crushing, whatever she wanted was fine by me.

 

And so we come to now. I am alone. I am in love. You know the details. What should I do?

[CarrieT]

Not that complicated a situation, I'm afraid...

 

 

You are in an obsessive love, not one that is reciprocated so the best - and only - thing you should do is walk away.

 

You cannot - repeat CANNOT - be "friends" with this person, because you want more than she can ever give.

 

Of course she cares about you. She thrives on the puppy dog-like affection and devotion you are showing her and nothing more You are sort of a "back burner" kinda guy. You admitted to following her around, just like a puppy dog. She can't develop feelings for a guy like that, because it has a sort of pathetic demeanor to it.

 

She has told you a number of times, it seems, but you still hang around. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on from her and go No Contact. Yes, you will hurt for a while, but you will get over her.

 

Keep in mind, you have an idealized concept of this woman in your head and THAT is what you are in love with. Because she has not shared those feelings, you do not know the REAL HER. Re-read that last sentence because it is important.

 

Best of luck.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Find someone who is IN LOVE WITH YOU, and everything about you!!! She isnt! She may be a dear friend and you may have to live with the fact that she will never want to entertain a R with you.

 

You can and will find love and you can and will find it with someone who wants you, for you, and wants every part of you!!!

 

How old are you, by the way?

[CRS]

I will admit to my youth. I am only seventeen.

 

As for cutting her off completely, I've certainly thought about it. She has already confided in me so much though. We are both introverted types, we don't give trust freely. I don't feel like cutting her off would be very good for either of us. I think I am fine suffering, so long as she is happy. And I think I do make her happy, just not as happy as she makes me.

 

Of course, what is more likely is that I am simply in denial.

[CarrieT]

I will admit to my youth. I am only seventeen.

Ahhhhh..... you have half-baked brain syndrome.

 

I don't feel like cutting her off would be very good for either of us.

You are wrong. But you are young and unlikely to believe us.

 

II think I am fine suffering, so long as she is happy.

That is because it allows you to feel SOMETHING in relation to this person. I get that. Suffering is at least a sensation related to being in proximity to her, while suffering in her absence would be worse.

 

Of course, what is more likely is that I am simply in denial.

Yep. But I have a suggestion: Print out this thread and re-read it when you are in your late 20s, approaching your 30s. Trust me on this one!

[kamani]

Congrad's for creative writing.

 

Your story reminds me of a very common plot of a local teledrama of teenagers.

 

You are obsessed with a very beautiful girl, so are many other boys. You know you can't have her but you can't make up your mind to let go of the friendship.

 

She is also very young and is not in love with you, but enjoys attention.

 

You need to do what other posters suggested.