would you be friends if nothing else?

[aussietigerwolf]

would you be friends if you could never be anything else? (and something else was what you wanted)

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Are you hitting on me?

[aussietigerwolf]

Are you hitting on me?

 

oh totally! don't you know I'm madly in love with you?

[Roadkill007]

would you be friends if you could never be anything else? (and something else was what you wanted)

 

 

if I wanted something else, made it clear to myself and her I wanted something else, and she made it clear she didn't want that something else and offered friendship, I'd say no. If I wanted something else, but for various reasons decided on not chasing after that something else, I'd probably go for friendship.

 

My reasoning is that in the first case, since I know I wanted something else, I would also know I wouldn't be able to handle a constant reminder of not having something else. Thus chances are I'd go no contact, even if I did enjoy her company regardless. In the second case, for whatever reason, I decided that even if a part of me wants to go to something else, that I wouldn't. Thus, friendship is no problem, and it's nice having friends. If that friendship does make me want that something else even more though, I'd have to drop the friendship, as it'd probably be very distracting to my day to day life.

[Jefezen]

My reasoning is that in the first case, since I know I wanted something else, I would also know I wouldn't be able to handle a constant reminder of not having something else. Thus chances are I'd go no contact, even if I did enjoy her company regardless.

 

I think it depends on how long you've known the person you want as more than a friend. If you were once involved in a significant romantic interlude or relationship, then no contact would likely be necessary. If you simply dated the person a few times, developed a strong crush, and then got rejected, I'm of the opposite opinion because I believe that the more time I spend with someone, the more likely it is that I'll recognize her flaws and expel my idealized vision of her. Then I'll think to myself, "I'm depressed over this?!" It can be very liberating.

 

When I don't see someone I like for a long period of time, I tend to elevate her into a goddess because I only have my rose-tinted memories of her and my imagination to fill in the blanks of what I'm missing. This makes it exceedingly difficult to move on because no one can compare to the person I've created in my head. If I get a chance to know the actual person, her true traits, and not the ones I've projected onto her, I'm more likely to be accepting of the circumstances.

 

Another reason to consider friendship over nothing at all is the possibility that by being friends, you reveal another side of yourself that captures the heart of the one you desired. There's a perception that this does not happen often, but anecdotally, I can think of many instances where romance developed out of friendship. It's harder, but possible. Sometimes the reason a romance didn't initially work out had more to do with timing, opportunity, distraction, misunderstanding, or temporary infatuation with another than with some kind of underlying incompatibility. When you get to know someone as a friend, the pressure is off and those confounding factors tend to resolve themselves.

[Roadkill007]

I think it depends on how long you've known the person you want as more than a friend. If you were once involved in a significant romantic interlude or relationship, then no contact would likely be necessary. If you simply dated the person a few times, developed a strong crush, and then got rejected, I'm of the opposite opinion because I believe that the more time I spend with someone, the more likely it is that I'll recognize her flaws and expel my idealized vision of her. Then I'll think to myself, "I'm depressed over this?!" It can be very liberating.

 

When I don't see someone I like for a long period of time, I tend to elevate her into a goddess because I only have my rose-tinted memories of her and my imagination to fill in the blanks of what I'm missing. This makes it exceedingly difficult to move on because no one can compare to the person I've created in my head. If I get a chance to know the actual person, her true traits, and not the ones I've projected onto her, I'm more likely to be accepting of the circumstances.

 

Another reason to consider friendship over nothing at all is the possibility that by being friends, you reveal another side of yourself that captures the heart of the one you desired. There's a perception that this does not happen often, but anecdotally, I can think of many instances where romance developed out of friendship. It's harder, but possible. Sometimes the reason a romance didn't initially work out had more to do with timing, opportunity, distraction, misunderstanding, or temporary infatuation with another than with some kind of underlying incompatibility. When you get to know someone as a friend, the pressure is off and those confounding factors tend to resolve themselves.

 

She DID say if you could NEVER be anything else

otherwise, I'd agree with you for many of your points. Besides, if you spend more time with her, but you keep falling for her while she still sees you almost as a brother, that's even worse to get out of.

[Jefezen]

I understand what you mean, Roadkill, it can definitely be difficult if accepting the woman as a friend does not either eventually lead to romance or to the realization that she really isn't that great as a potential mate. But at least you would know one way or the other.

 

I'm having a hard time now because I'm obsessed with a woman I dated only four times. She showed a lot of interest in the beginning, initiating everything, and then it suddenly dissipated. I recently got the "You're a great guy, I'm glad I met you, however I don't think we're a match, I'm sorry things didn't work out, let's be friends" speech, and while it definitely stung, what hurts more is that she doesn't actually seem willing to be my friend either. She won't agree to see me at all and she never initiates contact of any kind.

 

At least if I could go out with her as a friend, see her in person, remind myself of the reasons why I wasn't as quickly drawn to her as she was to me in the early going, I might get over her more easily. My idealized vision would be expelled. Alternatively, maybe I'd finally loosen up around her in a friend context and reignite her interest that way. (I suspect my introverted nature led to my downfall, yet I tend to be outgoing with friends).

 

By not seeing her at all there's nothing I can do to change the status quo for me or for her. I'm the kind of person who would rather know something with certainty, who would rather erase every "what if" scenario, than remain stuck in the discomfiting limbo of fantasy and the impatience of awaiting the passage of time.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Jefezen

[imtooconfused]

DON'T EVER BE A "BUTT"!

 

Thanks, I really needed that today.

[baRx]

no, i would not waste my time with a 'friendship' after making it perfectly clear i wanted something else.