Question about triggers

[wanderluster]

I just wanted to know what you betrayed spouses would like for your wayward spouses to do when you're triggering?

Thanks

[Athens]

Support without judgement-understanding without frustration and patience-

 

Pretty much what any spouse wants from their marriage regardless of the circumstances-its just when a BS is triggering it also triggers guilt in the WS and that adds an additional layer and makes it difficult on both-if I am having a bad day unrelated to the A, he has an easier time supporting me-when I am having a bad day due to the circumstances he put me in, his guilt kicks in and he has a hard time seeing the pain he put me in-guilt is a powerful emotion and we will not be fully healed until he also forgives himself-

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I just wanted to know what you betrayed spouses would like for your wayward spouses to do when you're triggering?

Thanks

 

Space, compassion, and don't try to "fix" it.

[waterwoman]

Listen to me, hold me, apologise, try to understand. It isn't to do with you, it's my pain and I need to express it. If I can't express it without you getting triggered too I will need to express it in some other place. Do you really want that? Is it a good idea? No, so just LISTEN and be kind.

[dichotomy]

Recognize the triggers and help me avoid them, or if they occur quickly acknowledge them and help change the situation.

 

Unfortunately she does not always understand or validate the triggers and so I avoid pointing them out as I do not wish to appear weak.

 

Best example I can give is this - its like you developed an allergy to nuts. Ya - okay the WS is responsible for creating that allergy and should feel bad, but eventually it should move beyond apologies and huge guilt .....and become become more practical and supportive. Help avoid the nuts, look out for the nuts, and if they do show up in front of the person- push them away form the spouse and get the antihistamines. In other words just help and support.

 

Sorry this probably makes no sense.

[Furious]

A good thing to do for a former wayward spouse is to anticipate obvious triggers, especially certain places or locations that have a connection to the time of the affair, also anniversaries, birthdays or certain holidays that were celebrated during the affair.

 

It's important for the WS to bring up these triggers in advance and talk about how they know it will be difficult and they understand of how difficult and triggering it may be to their spouse on that day or being near a place that may be a reminder.

 

 

In MC, and I love our MC, she stresses that the WS should occasionally initiate talking about the affair, ask their spouse if they want to talk, if there's anything they want to say or ask about it. This relieves so much pressure on the betrayed spouse, and shows them the WS is involved and conscious of the triggers and working toward healing together.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Furious

[underwater2010]

Simply hold me, let me cry, let me rant and tell me it will be okay and here to stay.

[SmokeRat]

^

If only my STBXW did that.

 

At my most vulnerable, all I wanted was her to walk over to me, and hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. Apologize for what she did, and assure me that we'd make it through this.

[BetrayedH]

Lots of good suggestions there.

 

For me, it was a simple I'm sorry, an I love you, and a physical touch.

 

I would also strongly second what Furious said. If you can get ahead of them, that helps. Anticipate certain dates and places. Perhaps even suggest ways to avoid them or mitigate them. But most of all, don't be afraid to discuss the affair. I can't stress this enough. Even when a trigger made me angry or frustrated, most of the time I wasn't angry with my WW but with the fact that I had uncontrollable triggers. It just gets old. Nobody wants to be past it more than the BS. So be in it with me. Don't cower and shut down from guilt or shame. Many times we're afraid to even show our triggers because we're afraid to push our spouse away (they clearly had one foot out the door already); it can be a very lonely existence. So reassure us that it's ok to talk about it, that it's a team effort, and that you're in it for the long haul.

 

If you can do these things, I guarantee you can turn some of these triggers into a romantic moment that will really do something positive for your BS and for your marriage.

[jnel921]

My H is quiet and let's me go nuts and spout off if I have to. He will apologize a million times if needed.

 

That's just the way it is until I get to that point where I am unaffected.