Is he cheating?

[senoritabonita]

My bf and I have been together for over a year. We are in our late twenties. He is Italian, me I am Italian Canadian. We live in Europe and are in a long distance relationship. We have plans to move in together this summer (me moving to his studio flat). We also Skype every night for hours on end and see each other almost every weekend. The thing is, he has been a flirt in the past and has even cheated while on vacation last summer. When he told me he swore it was once and that it was a mistake and begged for me not to condemn his one error..so I forgave and he stopped flirting with others..at least infront of my face. He introduced me to his family and invited me to spend Easter with them. I am always back and forth about him because he's always looking and I mean staring at women and never makes me feel like I'm important or special when other guys usually go nuts for me. Also women react very very well to him as he's handsome. We have sex alot and he said it's never been like that for him but I have the hankering feeling that something is going on. He swears there isn't but last weekend while sleeping, he hid his phone in his luggage. When I asked if he hid it there the next morning his direct response was "I've got nothing to hide". when I asked why he did that he said he has no need to explain himself. also he recently applied for a great job in Vienna which, if he took, we'd be set for life. But...and he just told me ...he'd have to travel for a third of the year. He's a nuclear engineer...travelling is unnecessary. He knows very well I want to return to Canada for a better job and my family is there and instead chooses to apply for a job like this.

He's also warned me that when we live together he will work late. If I tell him I think he's cheating he will call me ridiculous...fake...and an awful person for thinking this way. Last night I confided in him that I am sure, without any proof, that there's something going on and that I think we should end things and he went on and on about how insane I am calling me immature, crazy, I've lost my mind, I am living in a fantasy world. When I told him no one has ever spoken to me that way before, he told me it is because I have been spoiled. He says I am ruining us. But I feel like he's already done that. Why does he go so over the top and not try and help me through this? I mean if I really loved him and I hurt him, I'd do anything I could to make him feel okay.Thoughts?

[justwhoiam]

he has been a flirt in the past and has even cheated while on vacation last summer.

You gave no indication as to why that happened. If he was your official boyfriend/fiancé.

 

I forgave and he stopped flirting with others..at least infront of my face.

You forgave him but the seed of doubt is still there and not going away.

 

he's always looking and I mean staring at women

Just any woman? Either he gets distracted with any woman's presence or you're a bit paranoid.

 

never makes me feel like I'm important or special when other guys usually go nuts for me.

Have you ever talked to him about that? Chances are that's not going to change for the better. It'll probably get worse with time going by.

 

women react very very well to him as he's handsome.

That's not his fault. Don't be paranoid.

 

last weekend while sleeping, he hid his phone in his luggage.

Had he been afraid of unwanted phone calls or compromising texts, he would have switched the phone off. But you never know... men can have a different logic.

 

Why does he go so over the top and not try and help me through this?

Because you're doubting him and men have a big ego, so it's clear he can get offended. Men hate being accused, especially if they think it's unfair, irrational and illogical.

 

I mean if I really loved him and I hurt him, I'd do anything I could to make him feel okay.

You hurt him by accusing him of cheating. If he hurt you, you need to tell him how he hurt you.

 

Thoughts?

I can't tell if he's cheating. But nagging or scolding when you have zero evidence of anything is not going to help you find that out. Men tend to deny. Always (or almost).

 

Does he have Facebook? Make your relationship public as much as you can. Ask him to use his phone and see if he's resistant to that or unwilling to hand it to you. If he has a PC or laptop, use it. If he has nothing to hide, he won't be nervous, otherwise you can tell something's up.

[Decorative]

His reaction confirms that you are correct.

 

An honest person who loves you would be worried about why you think that and seek to reassure you and would not be angry you asked.

 

A guilty person does exactly what he did.

[senoritabonita]

ok.. when I say he´s looked at girls it doesn´t mean every single girl, I mean he has stared at girls infront of my face, and making it very obvious by moving his head if someone was blocking him, etc. He has also told me he finds my friend attractive, has openly flirted with her (touching arms, speaking privately, smiling at her, etc)

also when I took him to a friend´s party in my city, a girl there asked him what he was doing in the city and he said he was "on vacation" instead of saying he was with his girlfriend visiting her!!

 

He says this is because he is private and doesn´t want to tell people about us, only the important ones. I don´t scold him, I simply tell him that I dont want that or the relationship if it has to be that way, I tell him to be honest with us and himself. I don´t think there´s any wrong in that, I don´t want to waste my time.

 

I asked him that we go public on facebook and he yelled at me for it for days saying knowing I am with him should be enough. Finally he went through with it and did it. I also found on his computer that he met up with an ex lover in august didnt tell her about me nothing and she is still writing to him..he´s not responding but he lied to me completely about it. When I approached him he said its in the past and we need not confront it. Mentioning me was "not important" and he can do "whatever he wants"

Edited April 24, 2013 by senoritabonita

[Silveron]

If I tell him I think he's cheating he will call me ridiculous...fake...and an awful person for thinking this way. Last night I confided in him that I am sure, without any proof, that there's something going on and that I think we should end things and he went on and on about how insane I am calling me immature, crazy, I've lost my mind, I am living in a fantasy world.

 

My wife said the EXACT same things when she was going behind my back. The best defense is a good offense. Does he try to change the subject by trying to point out your flaws as well? They get defensive because they are cornered.

 

This guy sounds way too immature and selfish for someone as kind hearted as you. He's already telling you what to expect if you stay with him. And trust me on this, any issues you have before the marriage only get 10 times worse after.

 

If he has already cheated on you and is continuing to do this then he is clearly not ready for you or any other woman. I know you have feelings for him but it takes more than love to make a relationship work. What he is doing is NOT normal. Please don't let him ruin your life. It's time to start making yourself happy!

[cerridwen]

What comes across from your posts is that you're:

 

1-Very unhappy

2-Feeling undervalued and unsafe (emotionally)

3-Distrustful of this man

4-Extremely uncertain about the future

5-Unsure if you can trust your perceptions

 

That's a lot for any relationship let alone a LDR.

I think you know that, hence the distraught tone of your post.

 

I don't know if he's cheating but the personality and circumstances point to a future liklihood (if not a current reality).

 

Aside from that, there's another big issue.

 

When I read that people are yelled at;

made to feel small;

experience constant criticism to the point of chronic self-doubt,

I can't help but wonder how it's not regarded as a major issue to work out.

Have you given some thought about this aspect of your RL?

 

Putting aside the cheating for a moment, can you envision a happy life with someone who treats you in such a way?

Do you treat him similarly?

He yelled at you about FB status.

How do you envision you two handling conversations/stresses about money, mortgages, children, careers, moving?

This is rhetorical of course but I think it's worth mentioning.

[BetrayedH]

His reaction (that you are paranoid and ruining the relationship) might be normal and valid had he not cheated on you before. But he has cheated on you before. A truly remorseful wayward boyfriend would be transparent and trying to re-earn your trust. If he had nothing to hide, he would hand over his phone. While I wouldn't say that a traveling job means he plans to cheat, his pre-emptory statements about working late sound really sketchy. I wouldn't be in any rush to make a big commitment to this guy.

 

I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. It should give you a clue what true remorse looks like; your BF doesn't fit the bill.

 

And I have to say, the bottom line with me is that you aren't married and have no children with this guy so you should cut your losses. He's simply not mature enough for a committed relationship.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I think your obsession with "knowing" if he is cheating on you is going to kill this relationship. Just drop it. You've already let him know that you will stay with him if he cheats, so why are you trying to appear so tough about it?

 

He's already stepped out on you once and you took him back, so whats the big deal if its still occuring?

[Jbum5]

Once is already one too many. Instead of telling me you got rid of the buffoon (past tense), I am telling you to get rid of him (present tense). You're already too late, do it now and do it quick.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Jbum5

[Shindig]

I find people's gut instincts are usually right unless they've had some serious emotional trauma surrounding trust. If you're worried about it now, it probably won't get better. I would find someone who doesn't make you worry.

[Tinie]

Let's see. The fact that you're suspicious means he probably destroyed all your trust in him the first time he cheated. He's only reinforcing your doubts by that sneaking around. He's also yelling at you, not even trying to understand or reassure you. No, tell him to take a hike and not come back.

[crederer]

Sounds like he's cheating, sorry.

 

The cheater always makes it out that you are being ridiculous by having trust issues, because they're too cowardly to admit to it. Been there a couple times and it's the same situation.

 

Soon, he is going to be accusing YOU of cheating. Trust me, it will happen.