Shocked. BF finally told me the truth of his sexual past.

[Calotine]

I am really shocked. My boyfriend for almost two years just told me the complete story of his sexual past. He used to say "I don't remember how many women I have slept with" to answer his past. I thought, oh ok, I need to respect his privacy and maybe he does not want to share every details of his past with me. However, we got into a minor argument last weekend and that led to the sexual question once again. He finally came clean saying "between 50 - 100. All paid-sex, and yes sometimes with multiple girls." I sit there and completely shocked. For 3 seconds, I didn't have any reaction. The word promiscuous and orgy never came into my life before. I know if he would have told me that when we first started dating, then I would totally reconsider the possibility of this relationship. However, now it has been two years, there is love, attachment, and wanting to forgive/forget.

 

Later he admitted that those were mistakes in his life that he made. I desperately want to forget and pretend those never happened. Forgive him for his mistakes and believe he DID learn something from them. Wanting to trust him that he will no longer visit prostitutes. But, there is also a big part of me just don't know how to take it all in. I feel like I have to give away a big part of my "value" to accept this. I am terrified, and yes, I will have to be totally honest, my opinion of him has changed. Not that I all the sudden think he is a horrible person for making mistakes, but it took away the innocence and purity of our relationship. To me sex is very special. It is something you only give to people you love and care. Now there are 100 women out there that all have a piece of him one time or the other. It makes my heartache.

 

I want to be ok with this. I really do want to get over. I don't know how and I can't find a way to convince myself in my head that "this is ok, it is not dirty." Right at this moment, I still have a hard time shaking those images of him with lots hookers in my head. I need help.

[Breathe]

Everyone of us has a past. If all these women were BEFORE you, then you shouldn't worry so much. I understand you may be fearful that he may cheat on you - but has he in the 2 years you've been together?

 

You shouldn't condone someone for having a past just because it may not be the same path you would have chosen for yourself. Except it for what it is, THE PAST - and go on. People can change for the better.

[savethedrama4allama]

Well, I think you should quit trying to convince yourself that "its ok, its not dirty" because to you and many people, its not ok...and paid sex IS pretty dirty.

 

However, if he has learned from his past, even though it is not ok perhaps the two of you can get through it together. Counseling from a professional is all I can suggest to try to deal with such a shock.

 

My heart goes out to you, because I understand that it changes your perception of him even though it was before you. How could it not? Its not that he had sex with 50-100 people alone, its that he PAID for it.

[SoleMate]

I want to be ok with this. I really do want to get over it. I don't know how and I can't find a way to convince myself in my head that "this is ok, it is not dirty."

 

I'm not sure you should ty to convince yourself that this is OK. Like savethedrama said, by many/most people's standards, it is NOT OK.

 

I would have HUGE trouble with this as well. EVERY SINGLE past sexual encounter was PAID FOR???? And you are giving him his first ever FREEBIES? The majority of men NEVER use paid

 

 

Here is what would worry me:

 

1) Why did he never make the effort to have a mutual relationship in the past - you know, one where both parties are giving and receiving and no money passes from hand to hand?

 

2) Does he have problems with closeness, trust, equal power level between partners?

 

3) Did he get very attached to the easy, no emotional investment, "all about his desires" sex, to the point where he doesn't know how or care how to actuyally satisfy a woman?

 

4) Did he find the paid sex satisfying and worthwhile?

 

5) Does he want more paid sex?

 

6) Why did he stop having paid sex, since it clearly was something more than just a dabble or an experiment?

 

7) What microbes did he pick up?

 

8) Does a sexual relationship mean the same thing to you as it does to him?

 

9) Any chance that he just decided the money cost was getting too high and decided to seek a free "source" of sex?

 

10) Were those "professional sex workers" better at the mechanics than an amateur, e.g. you?

 

11) If he had a son, how would he advise him to manage his sex life?

 

12) How did he get started into using paid sex?

 

Let's look for the silver lining here, however tiny. You did press him for answers - he did not volunteer these things. He was honest with you, even though he no doubt expected it would cost him. It does not seem quite fair to demand honesty and then repay it with "punishment".

 

If I were you, I would try very hard to ask for answers to meaningful questions, like the ones above. The ones that can affect your future relationship. And do try NOT to visualize these encounters. That will continue to hurt you.

[quankanne]

all very good answers to a very disturbing issue ... but, as breathe points out, that was his past. And while you are very right to be concerned, don't blow it out of proportion -- at this point, you should be most concerned about things like diseases, as sole talks about. The main thing you need to focus on is that he has been committed to you alone for the past two years, and that's saying something. Especially when so many people think getting "some" on the side isn't cheating because you're not married to the person you're seeing!

 

when I married my husband, I was wife number 3 1/2 and it bugged me to no end. Not that I was the third wife, but that he could live with someone for nearly two years without being married to her (I consider her the half-wife). To make matters worse, while we were during our "off" period while dating, he took back up with her and PROPOSED to her, then introduced ME to HER!

 

They never tied the knot, but after he and I did, it drove me nuts just thinking about that stupid relationship and was pretty jealous. His sister finally said something that made sense: *I* was the one he decided to make a life with, not Skanky Puta, and that *I* was the one who'd made the noticeable difference in his life, not her. That I was his future, she was just his past.

 

You don't share if you guys are marriage-bound, but I'm guessing yours is a pretty involved relationship. Don't let his past screw up a good relationship, if it is indeed a good one – it'll take awhile to get over the shock (and jealousy if that's there), but trust me, you do because you realize that his past isn't as important as y'alls future.

[netrie]

I don't know what I'd do. My ex bf has had sex with hundreds of women, I know. But it wasn't paid sex either but STILL just the idea that "they are so desperate" is scary and the STD's out there. Ouch!

 

This is a really tough one. I would suggest a professional counselor and do the NO CONTACT thing until you can figure out what is best for you...

 

Netalia

[Jilly10340]

I absolutely agree that everyone has a past and that person shouldn't be judged because of it, but your boyfriend has put you at risk for having a STD. This fact alone would scare me. I don't think the not telling you how many people he's been with is about privacy, it's about knowing where that person has come from and caring about them enough to tell them the truth. Because in a way, you're putting your life in their hands.

 

I don't know where all this puts you and your bf, but it's definately something to think about. And don't force yourself to accept that this is O.K. If you think it, really believe it.

[Mr Spock]

Later he admitted that those were mistakes in his life that he made

 

 

Sure. The guy has had threesomes, foursomes, whatever-he may say it's a mistake but it's certainly a memory he won't forget.

 

It's up to you. If a man said he was a virgin, he'd probably horrify me (What is so wrong with you that you haven't been able to get laid?) so it goes both ways.

 

Do you like him enough to overlook that at one point in his life he had to pay for sex?

[moimeme]

I think Sole's questions are all good and that the answers are important but, as usual, I have a slightly different take on it. If a man is going to be the sort to have unattached 'fling' sex (and a LOT of posters here seem to think having that sort of sex is perfectly fine), then I'd prefer he'd have done it with people who knew exactly what they were getting into rather than possibly breaking some women's hearts, getting diseases, and having one-night stands with a series of strangers. But then, I'm one who thinks breaking a heart is much worse a thing to do than paying for sex.

 

I'd be fascinated to hear what his answers were to those questions - well, one question, really - 'why'?

[JoL]

Whoa...I don't think this is exactly your "standard" sexual history...50-100 girls? He's approximating because he doesn't know?...with hookers?....in orgies...?!! and you asked him questions about his past earlier on in the relationship and he didn't give you any idea about these facts because he knew you would flip out?

 

I have to say, this does say a lot about this persons views on intimacy and the way he views sex. Does he see it as just a physical release? Does he have a fear of getting close to someone? How do you know he won't visit hookers again in the future, or hasn't since being with him? You need answers to these questions- BIG TIME.

 

I have a hard time believing it was "a mistake"..

A mistake is something you recognise as a mistake and you put down to experience, and move on.

He obviously didn't feel it was the wrong/mistaken thing to do if he did it that many times- which is fine if THAT'S what he's into.

But YOU aren't into it (with very good reason)...you need to make it very clear how you feel about this issue.

It's not just going to go away if you force yourself to get over it.

[Papillon]

Threesomes? Foursomes? Moresomes? Lesbians? Bisexuals?

 

Hot damn, I could use me some o' them mistakes

[Jilly10340]

I agree with JoL. A mistake happens once, not 50-100 times...

[Calotine]

Thank you all for the input. I am glad to hear different opinions. To clear out some of the questions, first, he is clean. I would want to know if he has been tested even if he only slept with 5 people. So that is not the problem here. About if those were all paid sex, not really. He did date from time to time and had a few girlfriends before me. Those all happened 5-18 years AGO before he met me.

 

And now here are the reasons or ideas I got from him about "why".... Well, first of all, he admits that when he 18, 19, he was wild, and most of "numbers" happened there. He wanted to experience life and he was not committed with anyone. Paid-sex, not hurting anyone, not forcing anyone, and he wasn't cheating, he didn't see anything wrong with that. Then he kinda calmed downed a bit after he got to be 20-something, he did have a few very short relationships and yes he did still go to Amsterdam where it was legal - again he thought he was single, he wasn't doing anything wrong. It is until he has matured up and realized that "sex and promiscuous" aren't the only thing in life, and we met. So when he said mistakes or bad judgment, he meant for his mind-set for that period of his life.

 

I don't like the reasons and I don't know how to accept it. I hope it at least clear out some of the confusion from the last post.

[SoleMate]

Well, that sounds a LITTLE better. At least he has been thinking about these things. And has some standards, and some line of reasoning.

 

Whatever else you say to him, I would suggest including, "Thank you for telling me all this. I am sure it must have been hard, since you did not know how I would react. I truly appreciate your honesty, wherever we go from here."

 

And biggest question of all: Aside from this history, how is your relationship with him?

[Calotine]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Well, that sounds a LITTLE better. At least he has been thinking about these things. And has some standards, and some line of reasoning.

 

Whatever else you say to him, I would suggest including, "Thank you for telling me all this. I am sure it must have been hard, since you did not know how I would react. I truly appreciate your honesty, wherever we go from here."

 

And biggest question of all: Aside from this history, how is your relationship with him?

 

Ty solemate, and yes I do agree on that suggestion. For the past several days, I have almost forgot how hard it must have been for him as well. He didn't tell me every mistakes in his life a year and half ago because it is hard for anyone to come out clean and admits his mistakes, especially to a new girl that he was trying to impress. It got harder through out the past year since he realized that "yes I am the type of girl that would react to those BADLY and there is the chance of me leaving him."

He is now having to deal with the consequences of telling me his past. I am trying to be "EASY" on him but it is hard to suppress my emotions and thoughts. He is agreeing on giving me some time to adjust to it and accept it. He has been patient. I get some kind of consolation from it.

Aside from his history, I would say our relationship is decent. Like all couples, we get some minor arguments from time to time but never big enough for me to consider leaving him all together. That is why I stayed this long and that is why it hurts a lot. LOL. I wish our relationship isn't that great than at least I have reasons to leave him. Now I feel confused because he is really good to me for the most part. *sigh* It is just really shocking to even think someone can have that many sexual partners throughout his lifetime.

[Jilly10340]

I would say if you love the guy and he treats you good that everything should turn out fine