Passionless marriage

[Mr. Lucky]

In regards to the gym comment, anyone that has knowledge of weight lifting will know that lifting increases testosterone levels, which increase sex drive. Hence my reasoning for wanting sex more often.

Go ahead and finish the thought - because you want sex more, she should automatically want sex more? Perhaps she's thinking because she wants sex less, you should automatically want it less ???

#2 - the acts that she performs are acts, not feelings, passion is a feeling that needs to be felt, it cant be manufactured. I have given her sensual massages that i learned on youtube, i often ask what she wants, what drives her crazy, she get embarrassed to talk about it. i've even tried having a few drinks yet she never seems to loosen up...

99% of the guys in the sexually challenged marriage threads say that if their wives would just recognize the importance of intimacy and participate, their relationships would be fine. Your wife seems to be trying very hard and, because she doesn't rock you like a porn star, it's not enough.

 

This is less about her and more about you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LeGenDary_Man]

HOLY MOLY, Wow did i just get my ass handed to me.

You earned it.

 

In response, i'm up for work 4:40am, out of house by 5:20am usually home and done w/ work by 4:30pm, at that point I do laundry (if need be), do dishes, sweep the floor, set dinner table, feed and walk the dogs. Then i go to the gym for an hour, after the gym i come home and start dinner. I'm no slouch as a husband when it comes to domestic duties. I pull my weight, the ONLY reason she does more than I is because certain duties like making the bed, folding clothes etc. she likes done "her way". Weekends, i am mowing lawn, vacuuming pool and maintaining the outside of the home as needed.

You are not unique in this aspect. Many husbands around the world attempt to make the lives of their women as comfortable as possible. I know that I will do the same in my case.

 

In regards to the gym comment, anyone that has knowledge of weight lifting will know that lifting increases testosterone levels, which increase sex drive. Hence my reasoning for wanting sex more often.

Yes, but you need to work with the mindset of your woman. You cannot transform in to a horny porn-star. She is not the slutty type; she is caring but introvert type. After all these years with her, you couldn't understand her personality? At least, she is making effort at making you happy.

 

Stop being ridiculous and be more supportive towards her.

 

You will all call BS, but honestly i masturbated yesterday afternoon, i had not much interest in sex last night anyway, i simply wanted to lay and have a chat w/ my Wife. Especially when we go to bed separately usually, she could have put down facebook so we could've shared some time together.

So what? You should have "slowly" started foreplay. In this manner, the outcome of that night may have been different. Some women crave affection from their men with respect to intimacy; they are too shy to start on their own. Foreplay, in slow manner, can arouse even shy women.

 

The comment about the "real life romance in comparison to porn" is BS, EVERY SINGLE GIRL I have been with, from the most inhibited girl to the loosest, offered that hot passion when the mood struck. Going out for a dinner and a few drinks and making out in the car at a red light, not being able to wait to get home.

It is not BS. Tell me one thing; did you "marry" these women? Did these women shared similar level of stress in relationship with you as your current wife?

 

People have their highs and lows during long relationships. Marriage is NOT a constant pleasure-filled journey.

 

Lastly, I am not trying to change her, i'm looking for her to grow sexually w/ her husband, period. I'm coming off as a selfish dick on these posts and i'm not that guy. I love my Wife, she is a great woman, sexy as hell, i am basically looking to strangers for help on feelings i am having only to turn around and get bashed. At the end of the day regardless of the actions being performed, it's disheartening when you don't feel wanted by your Wife. I've been married before so i know the mistakes i've made and make every effort to NOT repeat them. Her best interests are always put first whether int he bedroom or elsewhere. Do you know how many times i've brought her to orgasm orally only to have her turn around and leave me laying there w/ a stiffy bc she didn't feel like having sex???? Yeah, w/ a sticky face i'd go to the bathroom and whack off. Thank God that hasn't happened in a long time.

Why do you think that your wife does not wants you?

 

Just because she is shy in the context of intimacy; doesn't means that she doesn't wants you. She has made EFFORT by trying to spice-up her romantic encounters with you as you have revealed. Be thankful to her for this.

 

If you are still not satisfied with your wife; go and marry a porn-star instead.

 

I mean seriously? I am willing to bet that you suck at romance.

[man_in_the_box]

I disagree with the notion that you should be happy just because she's trying. I'm not saying she's deliberately sabotaging your sexlife by how she handles sex. On the contrary I find it an honorable thing what she´s doing by giving it a shot nonetheless but does it accomplish what you think is lacking?

 

Two people in an exclusive relationship should be having sex because they both want to - not because one needs to use anothers body to get off. I can imagine that it is not exactly going to result into satisfying sex if you constantly are reminded that during the act your partner is counting in her head till you are done. Not only is it going to slap all the spark out of the physical intimate bond between you two - it also is going to slowly demolish your self-esteem if you let it drag on long enough. Who the hell wants to hear that their partner feels 'raped' when doing it? I don't understand what gives you the inspiration to keep bugging her for sex because I would've given up a long time ago. There's no point in beating a dead horse - and no point in trying to create a vivid sexlife with a frigid woman.

 

As a last disclaimer I want to say that it doesn't mean it's her fault or she is intentionally doing it. There might be very well some trauma that caused this, perhaps this is just how her sexuality is and she cannot help it or perhaps she is secretly gay? She might very well be stuck in a complicated situation and not know how to deal with it.

 

I'm not sure if this has been proposed already but did you know all of this before or after getting married?

[STEVE0158]

OK OK OKAY!!!, i'm a selfish A-HOLE is basically what I am getting from all your replies.

 

Mr. Lucky - As far as the amount of sex, i'm looking for 1x per week, that's it, if it's more, great! A few weeks ago, i got a BJ on Friday and sex on Sunday, she said "we're doing this too much!" And yes, it is totally about me, this is why i'm posting here.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Read articles like these: Breaking Down The Sexually Shy Wife | Married Man Sex Life

 

You will get some useful tips from these.

 

OR

 

Consult a SEX THERAPIST. You will get useful insight from such a therapist.

 

Simple.

[xxoo]

OK OK OKAY!!!, i'm a selfish A-HOLE is basically what I am getting from all your replies.

 

Mr. Lucky - As far as the amount of sex, i'm looking for 1x per week, that's it, if it's more, great! A few weeks ago, i got a BJ on Friday and sex on Sunday, she said "we're doing this too much!" And yes, it is totally about me, this is why i'm posting here.

 

Sounds like a fun weekend was ruined for you by that comment.

 

Is it possible you are reading too much into her actions and inactions? What is her perspective overall? (Not single comments, but thoughts abou sex and marriage shared in a discussion).

[LeGenDary_Man]

I disagree with the notion that you should be happy just because she's trying. I'm not saying she's deliberately sabotaging your sexlife by how she handles sex. On the contrary I find it an honorable thing what she´s doing by giving it a shot nonetheless but does it accomplish what you think is lacking?

 

Two people in an exclusive relationship should be having sex because they both want to - not because one needs to use anothers body to get off. I can imagine that it is not exactly going to result into satisfying sex if you constantly are reminded that during the act your partner is counting in her head till you are done. Not only is it going to slap all the spark out of the physical intimate bond between you two - it also is going to slowly demolish your self-esteem if you let it drag on long enough. Who the hell wants to hear that their partner feels 'raped' when doing it? I don't understand what gives you the inspiration to keep bugging her for sex because I would've given up a long time ago. There's no point in beating a dead horse - and no point in trying to create a vivid sexlife with a frigid woman.

 

As a last disclaimer I want to say that it doesn't mean it's her fault or she is intentionally doing it. There might be very well some trauma that caused this, perhaps this is just how her sexuality is and she cannot help it or perhaps she is secretly gay? She might very well be stuck in a complicated situation and not know how to deal with it.

 

I'm not sure if this has been proposed already but did you know all of this before or after getting married?

Things are never black and white in the context of intimacy.

 

Different women have different mindset for intimacy.

 

You cannot expect a shy woman to turn in to a porn-star for you during marriage. This is ridiculous expectation. However, you can boost her interest in sex with effort. You can encourage her to be more responsive and adventurous.

 

Their are lot of tips in the web on how to spice-up romance in marriage. Is it too difficult to focus on such articles or consult a sex therapist?

 

Also, in case of marriage, it is considerably better to have a faithful wife, then a attention whore with slutty mindset. Some people just don't get the memo.

 

OP is in second marriage. He should be very realistic about his expectations, actions and options.

 

Also, sex drive of a person is never consistent. It is like waves; sometimes high; sometimes low. Humans are not robots when it comes to intimacy.

Edited April 25, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[man_in_the_box]

I've never suggested anywhere that he should work on making his wife like a pornstar. I only wanted to respond to the replies on the previous two pages that suggested just because his wife was going through the motions to get him off should be enough to be satisfied. It just doesn't work that way - it is going to break any man and woman that wants to establish a healthy, mutual sexual relationship.

[MEJ76]

Steve, like any type of advice that you actively seek, relationship/sex advice can be surprising and feel like a big fat slap in the face after you have shared a vulnerable part of yourself. Take it all with a grain of salt. None of us knows you or your wife. We come from all walks, and reply based on what info is provided, and sometimes based on our own life circumstances.

 

That said, a few things that helped my marriage:

 

- we go to bed together now. I always stayed up, too, but that change to settling into bed for the night has been so nice for us. The intimacy of holding eachother and decompressing from the day just by sleepy chit-chat is helpful to the marriage in general. We are more in tune with eachother, which translates well to all aspects of "us".

 

- when we do stay up, we are in the same room. No more sitting at opposite ends of the couch with our faces in our phones or just watching tv. For us, we even decided to disable our Facebook accounts. May be extreme for some, but was needed for us. We also limit tv viewing so we can just hangout.

 

- I accepted that our growth/recovery was not on my timetable. As long as we are moving forward with our common goals, we are on the right track.

 

Hope this helps a bit!

 

Both of these changes have made a big difference in our lives.

[STEVE0158]

Yes a fun weekend was def ruined by that comment. I was actually so happy as she was on top of me that i actually thought to myself, BJ Friday, Sex today... And i think one of the biggest issues i have is how sexy she is, why isn't she more sexual? She's thin, 5'9, black curly hair, dark brown eyes, great smile, a slight accent when she speaks. When shes on top of me w her hair messy and her perky boobs bouncing, it's like a work of art...wonderful. she has no reason to be inhibited or self conscious.

 

No she doesnt always reject, usually she's w/ it. it's just lacking passion, her need / want for it.

 

i've asked her why she seems to not like sex, she replies "I like it, just not as much as you!" lol

 

This weekend will be 2 weeks since we've had sex. I did try to experiment and see if she would initiate only because she promised "tonight!" on Monday, so i wanted to see if i still needed to initiate. I guess i did, bc she did not.

 

man in the box - I think you and I are closest in agreement. The raped comment along w/ a joking whimper during the act was a quick recipe for a soft pecker. It's not uncommon for her to tell me to "hurry up" or "are you done yet" which is sure to put a dampner on the mood as well. Bc at that stage i have already gone down on her until she orgasmed so she's not looking for a 2nd one as most women would, she's content w one. Also, like i said, if i try to get a little (very little) aggressive she gets mad. She'll say "why are you pushing in?", hmmmm isn't that how sex works??? lol she prefers to do the moving and i have to lay there and barely move. i honestly don't think there is trauma or she's gay. She's so damn conservative and an only child who is so close w/ her parents and raised so strict i think this is the end result. Put it this way, i'm the 1st guy she introduced her parents to and she was 30yrs old. Yes i knew she was this way prior to getting married. Once we were engaged we lived together for a little bit but like i said, she consistently got better and more adventurous as time went on, so i just assumed it was a shell she needed to break out of.

 

Legedary Man - please do not start throwing stones with your "I bet you suck at romance" comment, you do not know me and you are passing judgement.

[Phoebe]

1. How is the romance in your relationship? Are you meeting your wife's emotional needs? If she feels like the only time you can drag yourself away from your phone, the gym or the tv is when you want sex then her desire for you is going to suffer.

 

2. Try not initiating sex for a while (especially stop asking for it cold, "What do you want for dinner tomorrow?", "What did you say, you want anal sex?" is probably not going to make any woman drip). Having sex with someone when you don't really want to doesn't build the passion in a relationship, it destroys it. If you give her a chance to then she may experience her own sexual buildup.

 

3. The best sex advice I ever got was to stop trying so hard. It was also the most (at the time) surprising advice I received. When I stopped worrying about the technique and how good of a job I was doing sex got much better for the both of us. I loosened up, tried some things in the heat of the moment that I wouldn't have thought of or dared to say normally, I also felt more empowered and iniated sex more often. It sounds like maybe your wife could do with the same advice.

 

In my opinion #1 is the most important. The more valued and loved your wife feels as a person (not just as a sex partner) the better your sex life will be.

[STEVE0158]

Things are never black and white in the context of intimacy.

 

Different women have different mindset for intimacy.

 

You cannot expect a shy woman to turn in to a porn-star for you during marriage. This is ridiculous expectation. However, you can boost her interest in sex with effort. You can encourage her to be more responsive and adventurous.

 

Their are lot of tips in the web on how to spice-up romance in marriage. Is it too difficult to focus on such articles or consult a sex therapist?

 

Also, in case of marriage, it is considerably better to have a faithful wife, then a attention whore with slutty mindset. Some people just don't get the memo.

 

OP is in second marriage. He should be very realistic about his expectations, actions and options.

 

Also, sex drive of a person is never consistent. It is like waves; sometimes high; sometimes low. Humans are not robots when it comes to intimacy.

 

Legendary, you seem very out of touch, I am willing to be you are a highly educated person w/ minimal real life sexual experience, although forgive me if i'm wrong.

 

I'm trying to figure out how you are mixing up turning my wife into a porn star w/ me wanting her to be more passionate. Did i say i wanted a threesome, did i say i wanted to fist her ass or anything of the nature that you would find in porn? No, basically i am looking for her to be more passionate....period. i don't think my expectation are far off by wanting a woman to want me.

 

in college i worked security at several NYC nightclubs, i've had more sex than you can imagine, i've done it all, every position, threesomes, anal...take your pick. i'm not delusional here, i know what i expect from my wife is not anything out of the ordinary.

[STEVE0158]

1. How is the romance in your relationship? Are you meeting your wife's emotional needs? If she feels like the only time you can drag yourself away from your phone, the gym or the tv is when you want sex then her desire for you is going to suffer.

 

2. Try not initiating sex for a while (especially stop asking for it cold, "What do you want for dinner tomorrow?", "What did you say, you want anal sex?" is probably not going to make any woman drip). Having sex with someone when you don't really want to doesn't build the passion in a relationship, it destroys it. If you give her a chance to then she may experience her own sexual buildup.

 

3. The best sex advice I ever got was to stop trying so hard. It was also the most (at the time) surprising advice I received. When I stopped worrying about the technique and how good of a job I was doing sex got much better for the both of us. I loosened up, tried some things in the heat of the moment that I wouldn't have thought of or dared to say normally, I also felt more empowered and iniated sex more often. It sounds like maybe your wife could do with the same advice.

 

In my opinion #1 is the most important. The more valued and loved your wife feels as a person (not just as a sex partner) the better your sex life will be.

 

ahhhh Pheobe a very intelligent lady. I converse often with my wife about life's goings on. We text throughout the day, sometimes sexual, sometimes not. We try to do a once a week date night where we go to a nice dinner and share some vino to decompress from the week's work.

I am def going to try to ease up, maybe i am trying too hard and making sex too important in our life. Yes i realize the anal comment was by no means sexy or smart, it was just a stupid comment.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Legendary, you seem very out of touch, I am willing to be you are a highly educated person w/ minimal real life sexual experience, although forgive me if i'm wrong.

I am highly educated, realistic and romantic. My cultural background is different from yours so I am not in to promiscuity to discover sex secrets.

 

"Very out of touch" is a tall claim, given the amount of information and exposure that we all can get in current times for free through internet alone. I know that I can be very adventurous and patient when it comes to romance.

 

I'm trying to figure out how you are mixing up turning my wife into a porn star w/ me wanting her to be more passionate. Did i say i wanted a threesome, did i say i wanted to fist her ass or anything of the nature that you would find in porn? No, basically i am looking for her to be more passionate....period. i don't think my expectation are far off by wanting a woman to want me.

 

in college i worked security at several NYC nightclubs, i've had more sex than you can imagine, i've done it all, every position, threesomes, anal...take your pick. i'm not delusional here, i know what i expect from my wife is not anything out of the ordinary.

She will not become more passionate for you without you taking appropriate steps to make this possible for her. Since she is a "shy woman," you need to put more effort in to making her more passionate about love.

 

Let us revisit this example of yours:

 

yes she is on the pill, she's been on the pill since we've been together.

 

So let me tell you about last night's situation, she gets home from work about 6:30pm, at about 5:30 i leave to go have dinner w/ my daughter and my Mom which is about an hour away.

 

I get home a little before 9:00, we sit and bs a little about our day's topics. we have a nice conversation. About 9:45 she says "what do you want for dinner tomorrow?", pretending i didn't hear her i said "What, you want anal?" she smirked and said "I know baby i haven't been taking care of you lately." at which i just tilted my head as if to say "yeah". She then says "i'm going to bed, you coming?" Now understand something in my house, she usually goes to bed ahead of me and i stay up and watch TV. So now i'm thinking i'll be getting a little action right? She's in bed checking her phone, i lay next to her, she puts her hand on my chest and continues fk'n Facebook, after a couple minutes my blood begins to boil and i say "is this what you asked me to come to bed for?", her response "Well this is the only time i get to check facebook" ARE YOU FK'N KIDDING ME???? I GOT UP AND SAID "What about the only time to spend w/ your husband?" she said what's the dif if i was laying in bed reading a book or magazine, "no problem, i'll be on the couch watching TV" she continued to tel me i was "ridiculous" and "you're always on your phone", 95% of my phone usage is work, but to her if you're on the phone, you're on the phone.

When i got home yesterday after the help from you great people i actually felt better about my situation and realized it's not that bad, after last night, i'm not so sure.... i'm really aggravated!!!

1. She is on the pill and this lowers her sex drive. Their are food items which can boost sex drive of men and women. You can search the web for these food items and give them a try.

 

2. Conversation part;

 

- You started intelligently with this statement "What, you want anal?" (Your wife got turned-on by this erotic statement and she signaled you to come to bed. But she was not aroused yet. She had just begin to warm-up to possibility of intimacy with you. NOTE: One statement doesn't changes the game. Whole build-up is required sometimes.)

 

- Once in bed, she was on the facebook; I understand, bad decision on her part! But she is human! Forgive her. Now what you did in the bed? You started yelling at her for not being attentive towards you! And this was the deal-breaker. You should have been patient and started the foreplay slowly but surely. This is what romance is about.

 

Effective communication + effective foreplay = good build-up towards intimacy.

 

Romance is an art; it has to be learned. Not demanded.

 

You need guidance about romance. This is why I highlighted that you should either consult some good articles concerning romance for tips or consider consultation with a sex therapist. With these steps, you can learn many useful tips about how to spice-up your romantic life with wife.

 

Don't be robotic and too much expecting. This would be a great turn-off for your wife who is already shy.

 

Your wife seems to be "romance oriented" and not "sex animal" when it comes to love. You need to up-your-game instead.

 

Also, yoga can teach you self-control, patience and be a great asset to boost your romantic skills.

 

Once you will be able to develop satisfactory "emotional" connection with your wife (as per her expectations) on the basis of your romantic overtures; she will open herself more to you and will be more passionate about making love.

 

Get the picture?

Edited April 25, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[STEVE0158]

Yes LM, i get the picture and because i am an open minded fella I will start this experiment immediately, i've already apologized for last night's outburst, which she too apologized for being on FB.

 

Where do you suggest we go from here? I think something out of the ordinary is in line, maybe a spa date, which is something i've always wanted to do but never have. Dinner and drinks is the norm so i don't think that will work.

[CarrieT]

2. Try not initiating sex for a while (especially stop asking for it cold, "What do you want for dinner tomorrow?", "What did you say, you want anal sex?" is probably not going to make any woman drip). Having sex with someone when you don't really want to doesn't build the passion in a relationship, it destroys it. If you give her a chance to then she may experience her own sexual buildup.

I have to add to this. Steve, if I were your wife (based on what you told us with her history of you guys trying anal), and I inquired about dinner and was immediately responded to with a sexual comment, it would have immediately turned me off as well.

 

There was no sense of you wanting to be intimate with your wife - that you wanted the passion or closeness. And the exchange that you two had before she went to bed immediately would have put me in the mindset of, "oh, he's expecting me to put out."

 

Like Phoebe said, there was no chance for your wife to have sexual build-up because the elephant in the room was your sexual expectation. And instead of working on any foreplay when you entered the bedroom, you laid into her for being on Facebook.

 

Just reading the exchange screams to me that you two are not communicating at all on the same level and I can see that sex is going to slow down considerably before it ramps up. Being responded to with anger about the Facebook comment would make me not want to have sex with anyone either.

 

Again, please consider counseling. You both are sending horribly mixed signals and misinterpreting each others' thoughts and actions. It is going to escalate.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Yes LM, i get the picture and because i am an open minded fella I will start this experiment immediately, i've already apologized for last night's outburst, which she too apologized for being on FB.

A step in the right direction. More importantly, your wife is mature and caring. Honestly speaking, you are blessed.

 

Where do you suggest we go from here? I think something out of the ordinary is in line, maybe a spa date, which is something i've always wanted to do but never have. Dinner and drinks is the norm so i don't think that will work.

Sounds like a good idea. Adventure fuels passion.

 

You would have a decent knowledge of "socialization preferences" of your wife. This knowledge is the key.

 

This article contains some good tips for spicing-up the romance in marriage: How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness

 

NOTE: Avoid going to a bar. It is not an appropriate place for married couples to try to "reconnect" with each other.

 

In addition (to your idea about spa-date), you can also consider visiting exotic places such as beautiful regions, historical places, couple cottages to have a nice time together.

 

- Try the couple cottage idea during the "vacation" period.

 

- Visit beautiful places (sometimes) to have "nice time together" to get to know your wife better. You can plan these visits on special occasions.

 

- Try to have as much fun time together as possible. Visiting beautiful sits is not a requirement. You can take your wife for a ride or to a park and have a walk on frequent basis.

 

Your objective is to fully connect with your wife at emotional level. Once this happens, she will open herself to you.

 

At home, make a habit of teasing her with romantic overtures. You should be your wife's stress-remover. Once she will begin to feel good at home, she will start thinking about intimacy herself.

 

Also, don't (automatically) expect SEX from her after every quality time together. Focus on connecting with your wife at emotional level and keep up the hard work. A time will come when your wife will be very passionate about love with you. Remember that this is SLOW PROCESS.

 

Good luck.

Edited April 25, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[STEVE0158]

I have to add to this. Steve, if I were your wife (based on what you told us with her history of you guys trying anal), and I inquired about dinner and was immediately responded to with a sexual comment, it would have immediately turned me off as well.

 

There was no sense of you wanting to be intimate with your wife - that you wanted the passion or closeness. And the exchange that you two had before she went to bed immediately would have put me in the mindset of, "oh, he's expecting me to put out."

 

Like Phoebe said, there was no chance for your wife to have sexual build-up because the elephant in the room was your sexual expectation. And instead of working on any foreplay when you entered the bedroom, you laid into her for being on Facebook.

 

Just reading the exchange screams to me that you two are not communicating at all on the same level and I can see that sex is going to slow down considerably before it ramps up. Being responded to with anger about the Facebook comment would make me not want to have sex with anyone either.

 

Again, please consider counseling. You both are sending horribly mixed signals and misinterpreting each others' thoughts and actions. It is going to escalate.

 

Carrie, if you read my earlier posts i stated i had no intent on sex last night. I simply wanted to spend time w/ my Wife. I also admitted that the anal comment probably wasn't the wisest thing to say. I was not expecting her to "put out" and there was no sexual expectation aka elephant in the room.

Let put it in these terms, imagine someone inviting you to "come over for coffee" and the whole time that persons nose is buried in a phone or book or in a TV show. Wouldn't you be asking yourself "why was i invited over?" That is exactly what she did to me. Her actions can mean a few things: 1 - she invited me but didn't want me or expect me to come. 2 - She invited me to bed and went to her phone out of habit. Because like i said in earlier posts we habitually go to bed separate.

[BetheButterfly]

I will start by saying, i'm not the perfect husband.

 

Nobody's perfect.

 

However, i am not the worst either. I'm not out in bars watching sports, i really don't like sports, i'm not ever out w/ my friends, my biggest vice is hitting the gym, i try to go 4-5 days a week.

 

My husband is a gym freak too.

 

I try to help around the house, wash dishes, laundry, yardwork etc. I take my Wife shopping every weekend and really try to be there for my Wife.

 

That's awesome!

I'm not a bad looking fella either a little chubby but in decent shape overall, especially at 39yrs of age. She's 36, 5'9 and i think she's very sexy.

 

My wife and I are married about 1 1/2 yrs, we've been together a total of 5yrs. I think my Wife is an awesome wife in every single aspect of being a Wife (and this is my 2nd marriage, so i know) except in the bedroom, she is a dead lay. She's never (or very rarely) horny. When we do have sex, it's okay but there is never any of that ripping the clothes off, cant wait to get naked passion. Shes super conservative, so in public if i try to sneak a kiss or squeeze her butt, she gets annoyed and embarrassed that someone may see. in the beginning of our relationship she would only have sex w/ me on top and even then she wouldn't allow me to get into it, if i spread her legs too far or go too hard, she would get annoyed. in addition, i always go down on her until she orgasms, ALWAYS (she loves it and i'm good at it, lol) so when it comes time for penetration, shes wet, yet she always insists on lube, then she'll put so much lube, she'll ask, "is it in?"

 

We've since moved beyond missionary position and she usually gets on top, still uses the lube and still complains if i grab her hips and try to get a little rough, she says it hurts. We did doggy style a few times and she kept moving away from me and said she felt like she was being raped, so we no longer do that. We've even tried anal, which didn't work out well. she'll perform oral on me and she's pretty damn good at it.

 

The problem is SHE never initiates sex, EVER!!! And she's never into it, she'll do whatever i ask for the most part but she's not into it. She acts like she is, but it's an act, she's trying to get me off as a good wife, but i want that passion, bite my lips and scratch my back, maybe a little dirty talk, but nothing. if i send her an erotic text, the most i'll get out of her is "tonight baby", i got her the other day to send me some pics of her boobs and stuff, which was hot, then when i spoke to her at night she said she felt dirty doing that. When she sent me the pics she again told me "tonight baby", when we went to bed i refused to initiate, i wanted to see what she would do, i tried kissing her a few times only to have her move away, then she said "You want me to suck it?" WOW, isn't that erotic? i said "NO!"

 

I think it'd be good to ask her about her past and kindly and caringly ask her if she was sexually abused?

 

If she has or hasn't, I think it's important for her to go to a female counselor that can help her understand her body and how to enjoy sex. It doesn't sound like she knows how.

Sometimes when we're fooling around, she'll giggle like a 12yr old (which is a turn off) and if she ever talks about sex, she won't say "dick", she'll say "it" and that goes for everything.

 

Yeah you need to ask her about her past.

 

The problem is i'm going to the gym now 6 weeks straight, i'm dieting and the old shape is starting to come back, i'm 6'3 and i'm starting to look good again. Women in the gym are noticing and becoming more talkative. I don't want to cheat but if the bait is hung in front of my face long enough i'm scared i may slip.

 

Mind over matter. Train your brain like you're training your body. Work out those mental muscles to not give in to temptation.

 

 

I've talked w/ her countless times about this, she usually apologizes and will give me sex (same old boring sex) that night and then it reverts right back to where we started. I'm tired of talking about it, nothing gets done anyway. I've even told her we should see a therapist, she says "ok" but then we never do it.

 

Well, GO TO A THERAPIST!!! She needs one.

i really don't know what else to do, i think she's just not a horny person. One time we were away on vacation in Dom Rep, we have no kids but i had my 8yr old from my first marriage w/ us. My Wife was like a lunatic, telling me she wants sex, we need to have sex. Finally my daughter fell asleep, she comes to my side of the bed and she was soaked, it was the best day ever, it never happened again after that.

 

Ask her about that. Also, it seems y'all don't have good communication. Y'all need to work on communicating. Are you able to let her open up to you? How's is the communication between you two?

[BetheButterfly]

Yes, in this case I do believe you should be very open and honest with her.

 

 

Because you said this: "I've talked to her at least 6 times about this topic."

 

 

Push for it. Have you researched any potential counselors? Or, start going on your own and ask your wife to join you.

 

 

The true success of any marriage is complete and total honesty. Instead of begging, cajoling, or pleading for something, you need to explain to your wife what YOU feel you are missing in your marriage.

 

You have already said that she has come a long way so it may not be that difficult to get her to come a little further along. But you have to communicate that to her. A dialogue is two-way - not just asking her, but listening to her needs and wants as well. Do you honestly say you know how she feels about the sex you do have? Or are you making assumptions on what she has been willing to do?

 

 

Awesome advice!

[BetheButterfly]

yes she is on the pill, she's been on the pill since we've been together.

 

So let me tell you about last night's situation, she gets home from work about 6:30pm, at about 5:30 i leave to go have dinner w/ my daughter and my Mom which is about an hour away.

 

I get home a little before 9:00, we sit and bs a little about our day's topics. we have a nice conversation. About 9:45 she says "what do you want for dinner tomorrow?", pretending i didn't hear her i said "What, you want anal?" she smirked and said "I know baby i haven't been taking care of you lately." at which i just tilted my head as if to say "yeah". She then says "i'm going to bed, you coming?" Now understand something in my house, she usually goes to bed ahead of me and i stay up and watch TV. So now i'm thinking i'll be getting a little action right? She's in bed checking her phone, i lay next to her, she puts her hand on my chest and continues fk'n Facebook, after a couple minutes my blood begins to boil and i say "is this what you asked me to come to bed for?", her response "Well this is the only time i get to check facebook" ARE YOU FK'N KIDDING ME???? I GOT UP AND SAID "What about the only time to spend w/ your husband?" she said what's the dif if i was laying in bed reading a book or magazine, "no problem, i'll be on the couch watching TV" she continued to tel me i was "ridiculous" and "you're always on your phone", 95% of my phone usage is work, but to her if you're on the phone, you're on the phone.

When i got home yesterday after the help from you great people i actually felt better about my situation and realized it's not that bad, after last night, i'm not so sure.... i'm really aggravated!!!

 

Do you know how to talk to a woman???? What in the world? Why didn't you say something like, "Mi Vida, you are so beautiful. I love ...." And see how she reacts? Then, smile at her and cuddle around her while she facebooks, and maybe sing a fun song or make a cute joke that makes her laugh?

 

Are y'all good friends? My husband disarms me with his friendship, and seduces me/turns me on with his flirting with me, his jokes, and his sexual hunger. I think you need to grow in learning how to be a good friend and lover to your wife.

[waterwoman]

"will give me sex (same old boring sex)"

 

Now that right there is really sad. FFS if you love her and find her as attractive as you say you do it shouldn't be 'same old boring sex'. What happens when she's tried all the different exciting sex... does that then become same old boring sex ?

 

I can see that you want to be desired, of course you do, but some people express passion and love differently. She's shows her love for you in other ways - maybe sex is something she doesn't feel that passionate about but BECAUSE she loves you so much she does it and tried to make it what you want. It's unfortunate if you feel unhappy about it, but we are all different - you can't mould her to what you want. Not being sexually passionate isn't wrong, it isn't an illness that needs to be fixed, it might just be her.

[STEVE0158]

Do you know how to talk to a woman???? What in the world? Why didn't you say something like, "Mi Vida, you are so beautiful. I love ...." And see how she reacts? Then, smile at her and cuddle around her while she facebooks, and maybe sing a fun song or make a cute joke that makes her laugh?

 

Are y'all good friends? My husband disarms me with his friendship, and seduces me/turns me on with his flirting with me, his jokes, and his sexual hunger. I think you need to grow in learning how to be a good friend and lover to your wife.

 

Yeah you know beth, looking at the bigger picture now, that probably would've been the wise choice. It was long day, i just wanted to lay there and zone out to sleep w/ her and getting so wrapped into stupid FB just really fueled my fire bc it was so unexpected.

I actually think my wife and i are good friends and i'm always the jokester. Flirting w/ my Wife just doesn't work, she just doesn't get it really. She gets shy and silly. We were at a party a few weeks back, this Spanish dude comes over and starts being all flirty w/ her. He's talking to her in Spanish and i do not speak Spanish, but i can tell by his actions he was "kicking it", but i was far enough away that i pretended like i wasn't paying attention to her, i wanted to see her actions. She blew this guy off so fast and ran over to me and held my arm, which meant the world to me of course. She wanted no part of him. It was a party and it would've been no big deal for her to converse w/ his, but she didn't....

[BetheButterfly]

Yeah you know beth, looking at the bigger picture now, that probably would've been the wise choice. It was long day, i just wanted to lay there and zone out to sleep w/ her and getting so wrapped into stupid FB just really fueled my fire bc it was so unexpected.

I actually think my wife and i are good friends and i'm always the jokester.

 

I like how you answered me.

 

Flirting w/ my Wife just doesn't work, she just doesn't get it really. She gets shy and silly.

 

I really think y'all need to talk to a therapist. Maybe what you can do is plan a date around it.. go to the therapist, then go to a restaurant? If she doesn't want to go, then I encourage you to tell her in a very kind way that that you would like for both of y'all to grow in the sex life you share. Make sure it's not just about her, but rather about you two growing in this area of life.

 

We were at a party a few weeks back, this Spanish dude comes over and starts being all flirty w/ her. He's talking to her in Spanish and i do not speak Spanish, but i can tell by his actions he was "kicking it", but i was far enough away that i pretended like i wasn't paying attention to her, i wanted to see her actions. She blew this guy off so fast and ran over to me and held my arm, which meant the world to me of course.

 

Aww I think she does really love you. It sounds though that she either has had really bad experiences with sex in the past or that she has not grown in sexual maturity to understand how important it is for y'all to have a passionate sex life together.

She wanted no part of him. It was a party and it would've been no big deal for her to converse w/ his, but she didn't....

 

But... he's not you. When y'all first met, did you flirt with her? How did she respond?

[BetheButterfly]

I completely understand, Steve. I had never cheated before either, on my husband or on previous boyfriends. Boundaries get blurred, the blurriness (word?!) becomes easy to justify. The attention becomes like an addiction. Tell her what you have shared here about needing that fire and wanting to share it with her. Be honest about your temptations to look outside of your marriage.

 

Agreed. That's why it's so important to be honest and communicate well together, because it's so easy to blur boundaries and give in to temptation.

 

It's important for both of you to together as a team make life awesome for you both, including the sex life y'all share!!!