Passionless marriage

[STEVE0158]

and here's a perfect example, i just read an article How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness that Legendary Man was nice enough to share w/ me. The article and all the info i've gotten you guys lead me to send my wife and text message, "what would you like to do this weekend?" her reply "let go to the Mexican rest and eat and drink", i reply "lets do something more exciting" and i proceed to tell her how i want to take her on a date, sweep her off her feet. I told her i'm going to try and be less annoying w/ my constant sex comments and requests, she replies "you're so sweet, i love you", i then apologize for being a pain in the ass w/ the constant requests for sex and pics and i'm going to stop and to lighten the mood i said "even if i have to whack off everyday", she replies "no i don't want you to do that, i'll take care of you" and i said "no, it's becoming a chore to you and i want you to enjoy it and not have it as a job, so i will not let you." DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HER REPLY????? DO YOU? COME ON, WHO WANTS IT???

 

"Can you help me write an email to this guy i interviewed w/ yesterday as far as what my salary requirements are?"

 

I'm pouring my heart out and she's asking me about writing her an email.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Yeah you know beth, looking at the bigger picture now, that probably would've been the wise choice. It was long day, i just wanted to lay there and zone out to sleep w/ her and getting so wrapped into stupid FB just really fueled my fire bc it was so unexpected.

As long as your wife isn't a FB addict, you shouldn't be concerned about it.

 

TIP: When you get in the bed with your wife, put your arms around her and participate in her activities. If you are horny then (slowly) begin foreplay with her and she will warm-up to you after a while.

 

I actually think my wife and i are good friends and i'm always the jokester. Flirting w/ my Wife just doesn't work, she just doesn't get it really. She gets shy and silly. We were at a party a few weeks back, this Spanish dude comes over and starts being all flirty w/ her. He's talking to her in Spanish and i do not speak Spanish, but i can tell by his actions he was "kicking it", but i was far enough away that i pretended like i wasn't paying attention to her, i wanted to see her actions. She blew this guy off so fast and ran over to me and held my arm, which meant the world to me of course. She wanted no part of him. It was a party and it would've been no big deal for her to converse w/ his, but she didn't....

She "likes" flirting but from YOU ONLY. This is the difference.

 

You should be happy that you have a wife who is totally loyal to you. Get "romantic" with her and she will feel motivated to be passionate with you.

 

Also, I don't think that your wife needs counseling at the moment. She is mature and loyal. It is just that she is very shy and requires some "spark" to get more intimate with you; you can create this "spark."

[BetheButterfly]

and here's a perfect example, i just read an article How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness that Legendary Man was nice enough to share w/ me. The article and all the info i've gotten you guys lead me to send my wife and text message, "what would you like to do this weekend?" her reply "let go to the Mexican rest and eat and drink", i reply "lets do something more exciting" and i proceed to tell her how i want to take her on a date, sweep her off her feet. I told her i'm going to try and be less annoying w/ my constant sex comments and requests, she replies "you're so sweet, i love you", i then apologize for being a pain in the ass w/ the constant requests for sex and pics and i'm going to stop and to lighten the mood i said "even if i have to whack off everyday", she replies "no i don't want you to do that, i'll take care of you" and i said "no, it's becoming a chore to you and i want you to enjoy it and not have it as a job, so i will not let you." DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HER REPLY????? DO YOU? COME ON, WHO WANTS IT???

 

"Can you help me write an email to this guy i interviewed w/ yesterday as far as what my salary requirements are?"

 

I'm pouring my heart out and she's asking me about writing her an email.

 

Steve, she's concerned right now about this email. Some people have a hard time juggling different topics.

[STEVE0158]

Steve, she's concerned right now about this email. Some people have a hard time juggling different topics.

 

Ok, well i bit my tongue and wrote the email for her.

[LeGenDary_Man]

and here's a perfect example, i just read an article How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness that Legendary Man was nice enough to share w/ me. The article and all the info i've gotten you guys lead me to send my wife and text message, "what would you like to do this weekend?" her reply "let go to the Mexican rest and eat and drink", i reply "lets do something more exciting" and i proceed to tell her how i want to take her on a date, sweep her off her feet. I told her i'm going to try and be less annoying w/ my constant sex comments and requests, she replies "you're so sweet, i love you", i then apologize for being a pain in the ass w/ the constant requests for sex and pics and i'm going to stop and to lighten the mood i said "even if i have to whack off everyday", she replies "no i don't want you to do that, i'll take care of you" and i said "no, it's becoming a chore to you and i want you to enjoy it and not have it as a job, so i will not let you." DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HER REPLY????? DO YOU? COME ON, WHO WANTS IT???

 

"Can you help me write an email to this guy i interviewed w/ yesterday as far as what my salary requirements are?"

 

I'm pouring my heart out and she's asking me about writing her an email.

Listen mate!

 

Don't get put off by her reactions. When she requests you to do something; you should be a willing participant in it. This is part of the "emotional connectivity game."

 

What is so wrong by helping her? She will open herself to you via trivial matters and then slowly but surely she will connect with you at emotional level.

 

If you will use (Newton's 3rd law of motion) logic: "To every action; their is equal and opposite reaction" - you will utterly fail.

 

We are talking about relationships here; not laws.

 

I told pointed this out before:

 

"Also, don't (automatically) expect SEX from her after every quality time together. Focus on connecting with your wife at emotional level and keep up the hard work. A time will come when your wife will be very passionate about love with you. Remember that this is SLOW PROCESS."

[BetheButterfly]

Ok, well i bit my tongue and wrote the email for her.

 

I'm sorry this is so frustrating.

 

It's going to take time. If you don't want to invest, it's best for you to seek divorce in my opinion. It's really important for a couple to be sexually compatible in a marriage relationship because otherwise, it's really hard for both partners.

 

If you truly love her, just realize things aren't going to change overnight and that y'all need professional help and guidance. I personally think she truly loves you, but she either has something in her past that is holding her back from a wild passionate lovelife with you, or she is not yet sexually mature. Please be patient and I really hope y'all go to therapy and that she opens up to you. If she's repeatedly not willing, please don't cheat!!! Instead, please divorce.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I'm sorry this is so frustrating.

 

It's going to take time. If you don't want to invest, it's best for you to seek divorce in my opinion. It's really important for a couple to be sexually compatible in a marriage relationship because otherwise, it's really hard for both partners.

Beth, don't advice OP to divorce.

 

OP needs to understand that he needs to build emotional connection with his wife. This process takes time.

 

OP have a great wife; he shouldn't let her go. He should fully invest in this relationship.

 

If you truly love her, just realize things aren't going to change overnight and that y'all need professional help and guidance. I personally think she truly loves you, but she either has something in her past that is holding her back from a wild passionate lovelife with you, or she is not yet sexually mature. Please be patient and I really hope y'all go to therapy and that she opens up to you. If she's repeatedly not willing, please don't cheat!!! Instead, please divorce.

Yes, this is "reasonable" advice.

 

Also, I don't think OP should push for counseling so soon. He needs to do some home work first.

 

Seriously, importance of counseling is over-rated.

[BetheButterfly]

Beth, don't advice OP to divorce.

 

Is there a rule I am breaking on Loveshack for advising divorce? If he does not love his wife or thinks sex is more important than her, then I think he should seriously consider divorce.

 

OP needs to understand that he needs to build emotional connection with his wife. This process takes time.

 

Agreed.

 

OP have a great wife; he shouldn't let her go. He should fully invest in this relationship.

 

I do agree that he has a great wife who needs to grow along with him, and yeah I see how he shouldn't let her go. I agree that he should fully invest in this relationship, but I don't know if his wife will change.

 

Yes, this is "reasonable" advice.

 

I am glad you approve lol.

Also, I don't think OP should push for counseling so soon. He needs to do some home work first.

 

I disagree. I think he and his wife need professional help.

Seriously, importance of counseling is over-rated.

 

It really depends on the counselor, as well as the attitudes and willingness to compromise of both partners.

[Phoebe]

and here's a perfect example, i just read an article How to Save a Marriage | The Art of Manliness that Legendary Man was nice enough to share w/ me. The article and all the info i've gotten you guys lead me to send my wife and text message, "what would you like to do this weekend?" her reply "let go to the Mexican rest and eat and drink", i reply "lets do something more exciting" and i proceed to tell her how i want to take her on a date, sweep her off her feet. I told her i'm going to try and be less annoying w/ my constant sex comments and requests, she replies "you're so sweet, i love you", i then apologize for being a pain in the ass w/ the constant requests for sex and pics and i'm going to stop and to lighten the mood i said "even if i have to whack off everyday", she replies "no i don't want you to do that, i'll take care of you" and i said "no, it's becoming a chore to you and i want you to enjoy it and not have it as a job, so i will not let you." DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HER REPLY????? DO YOU? COME ON, WHO WANTS IT???

 

"Can you help me write an email to this guy i interviewed w/ yesterday as far as what my salary requirements are?"

 

I'm pouring my heart out and she's asking me about writing her an email.

 

I wish that you had just texted something like "I can't wait to see you tonight" after she told you how sweet you were, the rest of the conversation should have been done face to face. The actual words we say are such a tiny part of communication, you missed out on so many verbal and non-verbal cues by texting, it's not a good way to have an important conversation. Plus you've been doing a lot of soul searching and poured your heart out, but it's mainly been to us online. While you've been worrying about your marriage she's been worrying about how to write an email regarding her wage requirements. I think that if you had both settled down and talked later on tonight that you would have gotten a completely different response.

 

I'm going to speculate a little on how she may be thinking. I don't think that you needed to joke with her about maybe having to whack off everyday. You saw it as lighthearted, but she obviously loves you and has a strong sense of duty, she may feel guilt at the idea that her husband has to 'whack off' to get his sexual needs met, and her feeling guilty isn't going to help the situation. I can understand why you feel hurt over her last text, but it may have just been her way of trying to change the subject because she doesn't want to hurt you. She may (and probably does) see sex with you as a chore, but I think that she is the kind of person to realise that admitting that would hurt you deeply even if you were the one to bring it up.

 

It's not that I'm amazingly intelligent (refering back to a comment you made to me) but because I've been where your wife is. From my own experience I can tell you that NOTHING kills a sex drive quicker than feeling obligated to have sex when you're not really in the mood. I'm glad that you're looking into how to improve your marriage, I think at this time you're going to have to make a decision whether you want quality (passion) or quantity sex with your wife.

 

Since my own marriage broke up we were both able to experience the other side of the story, my exhusband who always seemed to be bugging me for sex ended up with a girlfriend who did the same to him and he told me that he would fake sleep sometimes to avoid it. My current boyfriend has a fairly low sex drive and at times I have felt that I was sexually harrassing him and being a pervert. I now know first hand just how much of a blow it is for your SO to not want to have sex with you, it's something I didn't really think about when I was married but I was surprised just how humiliating it felt to have my sexual advances knocked back.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Is there a rule I am breaking on Loveshack for advising divorce? If he does not love his wife or thinks sex is more important than her, then I think he should seriously consider divorce.

No. My point is that OP have come here to seek advice regarding how to spice-up romance in his marriage.

 

Keep in mind that this is OP's "second marriage." He have a faithful wife this time and he should make the best out of the "second opportunity" for him to love someone.

 

Divorce is a last resort option and it makes sense to suggest it after all efforts have been exhausted towards salvaging a marriage.

 

OP have a "cooperative and mature wife." However, OP himself lacks in knowledge about how to "emotionally bond" with is woman. This is his shortcoming and this is where we should help him.

 

If OP visits a (qualified/experienced) sex therapist; would you think that the therapist would advice him to divorce or he/she would rather advice him to work on his shortcomings?

 

Sitting on the web; it is easy to advice people to divorce but it is a very painful and damaging process for those who go through it.

 

Relationships are HARD to build but EASY to break.

 

Agreed.

Thanks.

 

I do agree that he has a great wife who needs to grow along with him, and yeah I see how he shouldn't let her go. I agree that he should fully invest in this relationship, but I don't know if his wife will change.

She will because she has already shown signs of cooperation. Go through all posts of OP here and you will notice hints.

 

I am glad you approve lol.

 

I disagree. I think he and his wife need professional help.

My assessment is that pushing for counseling so soon would send a signal to his wife that her husband is not happy with her. This is a negative, if OP decides to spice-up romantic life with his wife. He should work on this aspect first and then evaluate. Even after several months of effort, if this is no positive change on part of OP's wife then counseling should be on cards.

 

Remember: CHANGE begins at HOME.

 

It really depends on the counselor, as well as the attitudes and willingness to compromise of both partners.

Yes. Counselors mostly offer self-introspection. They are hardly in to saving relationships.

[CarrieT]

You start with this:

I told her i'm going to try and be less annoying w/ my constant sex comments and requests, she replies "you're so sweet, i love you"

Which is perfect and lovely...

 

But then go to this:

i'm going to stop and to lighten the mood i said "even if i have to whack off everyday"

Do you realize how passive/aggressive this statement is????

 

Of course she tried to placate with:

she replies "no i don't want you to do that, i'll take care of you"

She is seeing the aggressiveness of your desire and instead of meeting you halfway with the potential of HER desires, it is a classic defensive response: "I will take care of you."

 

You can't quite see that yet, huh?

 

Because your reply of:

and i said "no, it's becoming a chore to you and i want you to enjoy it and not have it as a job, so i will not let you."

is a bit of martyrdom.

 

Of course she changed the subject to her job.

 

I can see exactly how and why you are having these problems. And I will re-emphasize counseling and communication therapy.

 

You two seriously need to learn to read between the lines...

[adelia]

this is carbon copy what a friend of mine is dealing with except with her hubbie. you are lucky in that your wife will still have sex with you. hers has zero sex drive. they havent had sex in a yr. its really quite sad actually. i think you have the pallette to create but just need some help. my friend and her hubs are in sex therapy and just started. i think its crucial you make the appoint.

its too bad the compatibility is not there. its important your needs are being met and she needs to know how you feel. that said, you cant change people unless they are willing to. if hot dirty passionate sex is what you feel you need then that will be a weak link in your marriage unless its fixed.

my friends situation ill never understand. i was bridemaid at her wedding seen how happy they were but something changed along the way. she doesnt get it either. we work out at the gym as well and she gets hit on so much by the guys. shes very beautiful. shes also very committed to her marriage as unhappy as she is. i can see that wearing thin though. im hoping this therapy helps pave a new road for them and you as well should you make that decision. best of luck

[LeGenDary_Man]

If therapy is on the cards already then I think that OP needs it first. He surely doesn't knows how have romantic conversations. He needs "guidance" about female psyche regarding relationships.

 

I don't see any issue with OP's wife here. She is mature and supportive. However, her husband doesn't understands her mindset properly. This is the issue.

[BetheButterfly]

No. My point is that OP have come here to seek advice regarding how to spice-up romance in his marriage.

 

Ah. Point taken

 

Keep in mind that this is OP's "second marriage." He have a faithful wife this time and he should make the best out of the "second opportunity" for him to love someone.

 

Understood and thanks for explaining. Yeah I agree.

 

Divorce is a last resort option and it makes sense to suggest it after all efforts have been exhausted towards salvaging a marriage.

 

Agreed. I stand corrected.

 

OP have a "cooperative and mature wife." However, OP himself lacks in knowledge about how to "emotionally bond" with is woman. This is his shortcoming and this is where we should help him.

 

I think they both need to grow in emotionally and sexually bonding with each other.

 

If OP visits a (qualified/experienced) sex therapist; would you think that the therapist would advice him to divorce or he/she would rather advice him to work on his shortcomings?

 

Work on his shortcomings... ok ok I stand corrected again lol.

 

Sitting on the web; it is easy to advice people to divorce but it is a very painful and damaging process for those who go through it.

I have been through divorce, so I know. One thing I have learned is that it is so important to marry someone who is compatible.

 

Relationships are HARD to build but EASY to break.

100% agreed.

 

 

Thanks

I forgot what you're thanking me for but I look. and you're welcome

 

She will because she has already shown signs of cooperation. Go through all posts of OP here and you will notice hints.

 

Yeah but it seems she sees sex as a duty, not as a wonderful delight.

 

 

 

 

My assessment is that pushing for counseling so soon would send a signal to his wife that her husband is not happy with her. This is a negative, if OP decides to spice-up romantic life with his wife. He should work on this aspect first and then evaluate. Even after several months of effort, if this is no positive change on part of OP's wife then counseling should be on cards.

 

Ok. So I really hope the OP spices up his romantic life with her. If that doesn't work, then hopefully counseling will.

 

Remember: CHANGE begins at HOME.

 

100% agreed!

 

 

Yes. Counselors mostly offer self-introspection. They are hardly in to saving relationships.

 

Some are into saving relationships.

[BetheButterfly]

I wish that you had just texted something like "I can't wait to see you tonight" after she told you how sweet you were, the rest of the conversation should have been done face to face. The actual words we say are such a tiny part of communication, you missed out on so many verbal and non-verbal cues by texting, it's not a good way to have an important conversation. Plus you've been doing a lot of soul searching and poured your heart out, but it's mainly been to us online. While you've been worrying about your marriage she's been worrying about how to write an email regarding her wage requirements. I think that if you had both settled down and talked later on tonight that you would have gotten a completely different response.

 

I'm going to speculate a little on how she may be thinking. I don't think that you needed to joke with her about maybe having to whack off everyday. You saw it as lighthearted, but she obviously loves you and has a strong sense of duty, she may feel guilt at the idea that her husband has to 'whack off' to get his sexual needs met, and her feeling guilty isn't going to help the situation. I can understand why you feel hurt over her last text, but it may have just been her way of trying to change the subject because she doesn't want to hurt you. She may (and probably does) see sex with you as a chore, but I think that she is the kind of person to realise that admitting that would hurt you deeply even if you were the one to bring it up.

 

100% agreed

[BetheButterfly]

this is carbon copy what a friend of mine is dealing with except with her hubbie. you are lucky in that your wife will still have sex with you. hers has zero sex drive. they havent had sex in a yr. its really quite sad actually. i think you have the pallette to create but just need some help. my friend and her hubs are in sex therapy and just started. i think its crucial you make the appoint.

its too bad the compatibility is not there. its important your needs are being met and she needs to know how you feel. that said, you cant change people unless they are willing to. if hot dirty passionate sex is what you feel you need then that will be a weak link in your marriage unless its fixed.

my friends situation ill never understand. i was bridemaid at her wedding seen how happy they were but something changed along the way. she doesnt get it either. we work out at the gym as well and she gets hit on so much by the guys. shes very beautiful. shes also very committed to her marriage as unhappy as she is. i can see that wearing thin though. im hoping this therapy helps pave a new road for them and you as well should you make that decision. best of luck

 

I don't understand either. If I were in a sexless marriage, I would divorce if spicing up the romance and counseling didn't work. A sexless marriage to me is a farce, especially since marriage is the only relationship I have that includes sex.

 

To Legendary Man, I'm just giving my opinion in this post; I'm not advising anymore the OP to get a divorce.

Edited April 25, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[LeGenDary_Man]

@Beth

 

Having a conversation with you is a pleasant experience. Your husband is lucky.

 

I think they both need to grow in emotionally and sexually bonding with each other.

OP's wife is supportive. Unfortunately, OP doesn't understands her "emotional needs" properly.

 

Yeah but it seems she sees sex as a duty, not as a wonderful delight.

Because she doesn't wants to hurt the feelings of her husband.

 

However, what about her needs?

 

Just look at the "examples" of conversations between OP and his wife in this thread. OP invokes "guilt/shame" feelings in his wife during conversations about romance/love. This is not the correct approach to be romantic with her.

 

OP needs to understand that he should offer "emotional support" to his wife; he needs lecture on female psyche concerning relationships.

[adelia]

I don't understand either. If I were in a sexless marriage, I would divorce if spicing up the romance and counseling didn't work. A sexless marriage to me is a farce, especially since marriage is the only relationship I have that includes sex.

 

To Legendary Man, I'm just giving my opinion in this post; I'm not advising anymore the OP to get a divorce. I'm just saying what I would do.

 

i agree but the two of them really are close in every other way. i told her maybe thats tge problem their marriage evolved into too much of a friendship to the point sex is awkward. i wouldnt say its a farce per say but with the sex nonexistant the longer it stays that way the harder it will be to become lovers again.

 

to the OP forgot to add you neednt feel guilty about the women noticing you. youre a viable man and if a stranger reminds you of that and makes you feel good again then enjoy it for the reflection it is

[xxoo]

I agree that you missed the cues that she was trying to gently and graciously change the subject in that text conversation.

 

In any case, getting that deep in text....isn't advisable. If you are going to have a serious conversation about sex, have it face to face, and not while your partner is working (I'm assuming she was working because of the email comment).

 

It seems to me that you are anxious, and making some impulsive choices (getting angry when she was on fb, pushing farther on that text conversation than most would consider wise). Can you sit back and breathe and choose a moment to talk? Can you be honest with her without being blaming or being the martyr? Simply tell her how you are feeling, what your concerns are, and what you are missing right now.

 

When did this start bothering you? Were you unhappy with the sex when you married? When did the unhappiness begin? Do you think it is possible that you are having a midlife crisis of sorts, and looking to regain the passion of youth, rather than fully embracing the slow-burn of more adult love? That "rip your clothes off" stage ends with most relationships. I love sex, and I love my husband, but I don't usually get that aroused until after foreplay.

He's not expecting me to text him hot and bothered during the day--please! I'm working! Nor is he expecting me to hop in bed and hump him. I initiate the way your wife did--by indicating I want to go upstairs. But once in bed, I still need to get turned on. So he caresses, and kisses, and sweet talks, and teases, and seduces.

[BetheButterfly]

@Beth

 

Having a conversation with you is a pleasant experience. Your husband is lucky.

 

Aww thanks Well, I am not perfect and some other people do not agree with your experience writing me, but I can't help that. I can only learn through experience and grow.

 

It does really help that you are not personally attacking me or my experiences but rather seek to explain and meet on common ground. Thanks.

 

Thanks. I am very blessed too; my husband is AWESOME!!!

 

Are you married (Sorry, I didn't notice if you wrote about being married. If you are, then your wife is very blessed since you think about things and strive to understand, and are very good at getting points across in a non-threatening way.)

 

 

OP's wife is supportive. Unfortunately, OP doesn't understands her "emotional needs" properly.

 

Agreed. I still think though that she needs therapy. I guess I don't understand her lack of passion and I wonder if there's a reason behind that.

 

Because she doesn't wants to hurt the feelings of her husband.

 

Yeah, I see that too. I think she feels bad about being pressured.

However, what about her needs?

 

Awesome and very good question!!! OP, this is a good question to kindly ask her... what are her sexual and emotional needs?

 

Just look at the "examples" of conversations between OP and his wife in this thread. OP invokes "guilt/shame" feelings in his wife during conversations about romance/love. This is not the correct approach to be romantic with her.

 

Agreed.

OP needs to understand that he should offer "emotional support" to his wife; he needs lecture on female psyche concerning relationships.

 

Agreed! And, it does take time and willingness to understand in order to figure out how relationships work and thrive.

 

I have many times needed a lecture on the male pysche. For example, just yesterday evening when my husband and I left the gym, I kept the door open for a man who was entering. The man made a comment about I was doing that because he's old? I was so surprised and said "No!" and my husband told me how many men don't expect or want a woman to open the door for him, and that possibly hurt his feelings. I didn't understand that cause I was just trying to be nice and I keep doors open for anybody, regardless of age or gender. I now know though that I need to figure out the male pysche in some areas. My husband and I have been through discussions concerning when I haven't understood his pyshce, and it does really help to understand each other.

[Phoebe]

If therapy is on the cards already then I think that OP needs it first. He surely doesn't knows how have romantic conversations. He needs "guidance" about female psyche regarding relationships.

 

I don't see any issue with OP's wife here. She is mature and supportive. However, her husband doesn't understands her mindset properly. This is the issue.

 

I disagree with that, if there's going to be therapy then they both need it together. OP has his issues but so does his wife. Hell, everybody has issues!

 

At least at this point OP acknowledges a problem, his wife probably thinks that things are fine, afterall she's supplying him with the sex that he wants. Except that she isn't and she doesn't realize this. Their current sex life is not really fulfilling anyone. His wife doesn't seem like she has much confidence, when she has worked on this and stops seeing sex as her duty, and when OP has learnt how to lower his sexual demands (and jokes) and raised their emotional connection I think that their sex life will take off.

[BetheButterfly]

i agree but the two of them really are close in every other way. i told her maybe thats tge problem their marriage evolved into too much of a friendship to the point sex is awkward. i wouldnt say its a farce per say but with the sex nonexistant the longer it stays that way the harder it will be to become lovers again.

 

 

I am glad they are close in every other way, and I really hope they become lovers again!!! That would be the ideal

 

To the OP, I really hope that you and your wife grow in closeness both sexually and emotionally! It is possible though it can take time.

Edited April 25, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[LeGenDary_Man]

I agree that you missed the cues that she was trying to gently and graciously change the subject in that text conversation.

 

In any case, getting that deep in text....isn't advisable. If you are going to have a serious conversation about sex, have it face to face, and not while your partner is working (I'm assuming she was working because of the email comment).

 

It seems to me that you are anxious, and making some impulsive choices (getting angry when she was on fb, pushing farther on that text conversation than most would consider wise). Can you sit back and breathe and choose a moment to talk? Can you be honest with her without being blaming or being the martyr? Simply tell her how you are feeling, what your concerns are, and what you are missing right now.

 

When did this start bothering you? Were you unhappy with the sex when you married? When did the unhappiness begin? Do you think it is possible that you are having a midlife crisis of sorts, and looking to regain the passion of youth, rather than fully embracing the slow-burn of more adult love? That "rip your clothes off" stage ends with most relationships. I love sex, and I love my husband, but I don't usually get that aroused until after foreplay.

He's not expecting me to text him hot and bothered during the day--please! I'm working! Nor is he expecting me to hop in bed and hump him. I initiate the way your wife did--by indicating I want to go upstairs. But once in bed, I still need to get turned on. So he caresses, and kisses, and sweet talks, and teases, and seduces.

This! Perfect!

 

@STEVE0158

 

Read this like a thousand times.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Aww thanks Well, I am not perfect and some other people do not agree with your experience writing me, but I can't help that. I can only learn through experience and grow.

You're welcome. And you are being realistic.

 

It does really help that you are not personally attacking me or my experiences but rather seek to explain and meet on common ground. Thanks.

My intention is not to personally attack any member here but to give advice.

 

Yes, my posting style is such that I do come off blunt/a bit harsh in some of my responses but intention is always to help or make OP realize his mistakes (depending upon the information disclosed).

 

Thanks. I am very blessed too; my husband is AWESOME!!!

Good to know.

 

Are you married (Sorry, I didn't notice if you wrote about being married. If you are, then your wife is very blessed since you think about things and strive to understand, and are very good at getting points across in a non-threatening way.)

I am single yet but my marriage is under discussion in my household. By the grace of God, I have some "fantastic" options.

 

I am heavily in to reading stuff and I tend to explore/learn a lot about "important stuff" in life. I also get lot of insight from my social circle.

 

Agreed. I still think though that she needs therapy. I guess I don't understand her lack of passion and I wonder if there's a reason behind that.

IMO, she is a mature woman. Member (xxoo) summed up the situation in this case perfectly.

 

Unfortunately, OP needs to understand how a mature female's mind ticks concerning relationships.

 

Their is hell of a difference between mindset of a mature woman and a broke woman concerning relationships. Mature woman are typically shy and romantic. Broke woman are like sex animals and attention whores. Of course, exceptions exist because "human psychology" is a very complex subject.

 

OP needs to understand that how blessed he. He has a "gem" of a wife.

 

Believe me! Many men will kill to have such a wife, if given the opportunity without repercussions.

 

Yeah, I see that too. I think she feels bad about being pressured.

Indeed.

 

Awesome and very good question!!! OP, this is a good question to kindly ask her... what are her sexual and emotional needs?

Thanks.

 

Honest and open conversation is always a plus point in a relationship. Ideally a relationship should begin in this manner; key benefit is that partners become very comfortable with each other later on and find it much easier to have difficult conversations and sort out potential issues.

 

Agreed! And, it does take time and willingness to understand in order to figure out how relationships work and thrive.

Absolutely.

 

I have many times needed a lecture on the male pysche. For example, just yesterday evening when my husband and I left the gym, I kept the door open for a man who was entering. The man made a comment about I was doing that because he's old? I was so surprised and said "No!" and my husband told me how many men don't expect or want a woman to open the door for him, and that possibly hurt his feelings. I didn't understand that cause I was just trying to be nice and I keep doors open for anybody, regardless of age or gender. I now know though that I need to figure out the male pysche in some areas. My husband and I have been through discussions concerning when I haven't understood his pyshce, and it does really help to understand each other.

This!

 

OP needs to open up his mind like this.

 

I disagree with that, if there's going to be therapy then they both need it together. OP has his issues but so does his wife. Hell, everybody has issues!

 

At least at this point OP acknowledges a problem, his wife probably thinks that things are fine, afterall she's supplying him with the sex that he wants. Except that she isn't and she doesn't realize this. Their current sex life is not really fulfilling anyone. His wife doesn't seem like she has much confidence, when she has worked on this and stops seeing sex as her duty, and when OP has learnt how to lower his sexual demands (and jokes) and raised their emotional connection I think that their sex life will take off.

Look at the response of member (xxoo). I think it sums-up the debate here.

 

OP's wife gives a very mature vibe. Every bit of information about her gives this hint about her.

 

Issue is not with OP's wife. Issue is with OP's lack of knowledge about how to romance a mature woman. He have got some very good insight in this thread by now and I hope that he will rectify his shortcomings.

 

Of-course, nobody is perfect. However, we can strive to be better.

 

I think that counseling should wait in this particular case. OP should address his shortcomings concerning romance first.

Edited April 25, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Quiet Storm]

I think a huge part of this could be the pill. It totally changes your hormonal balance. When I was on it I went from wanting/ thinking about it every day...to it never crossing my mind.

 

I also agree to the comments about there not being any "build up". You don't seem to be very skilled in the art of seduction.

 

It's true that she should be willing to meet your needs, but you can't really change how she feels inside.

 

My husband will go to my parents house for dinner once in awhile because he feels like it's his duty as my husband. Do I expect him to enjoy it? No. Do I expect him to be all excited about it? No. I expect him to go and be cordial...yes. But I can't change his inner feelings.

 

Your wife looks at sex the way my husband looks at visiting his in-laws.... they tolerate it because it comes with the territory of being married.

 

If you don't want her to fake enthusiasm, but actually want her to FEEL it, talking/ complaining/ joking/ scheduling/ threatening...none of that will change her actual drive. Her hormones are out of whack or she is not physically attracted to you.