Friends with benefits? Yes? No? (Kind of long..)

[PinkSkies1205]

This guy is named Steve. The matter is a bit complicated, so I'm going to try to give a detailed description on what's going on. I dated his best friend and everything basically ended couple weeks ago (it was nothing serious). But as a result, Steve wants our 'relationship' to be kept a secret. Knowing how his friends are, I can understand why, but at the same time, I feel like he's ashamed of me. He tracked down my number and called me right when I started seeing his best friend (he didn't know that I was), and wanted to hook up that night..and was very sexual. Anyways, word got around that he called and his friends gave him a hard time about it..and as a result, he just wants to keep everything a secret.

 

 

Last Thursday I called him up so I can basically have a one-night stand with him because I was upset at how his best friend (the guy I briefly dated) treated me and I guess I wanted some sort of revenge. He came over and we went to a bar. He was very sweet - like pulling out the chair for me, guiding me with his arm, opening the car door, etc. And I had a fun time with him then. We went back to my house and fooled around for several hours with no sex. He told me that he'd have sex with me when I feel like I'm ready. I asked him what did he think of me as, and his response was "well, I don't know right now. Maybe it'll be serious later" (I have no idea what that meant). After fooling around, we fell asleep. But as we are sleeping, he always puts his arm around me and basically held me.

 

 

The next morning when he arrived to work early morning, he text messaged me with a Good Morning (which I thought was sweet). However, it is difficult to actually get ahold of him through the phone.

 

 

I saw him again last night. He was rather mean to me at first. For starters, he kept me waiting for an hour or so. And he just laughed it off, which made me angry. So as a result, he kept telling me that I was rude to him. Then he called me stupid. Again, I was angry, and he thought I was being rude. However, he was drinking the whole day..so he wasn't sober completely, and he was extremely tired, so I just let to blow off. We went to a bar to grab a drink. No sweet stuff this time. And our conversation wasn't as great as last time, because he was too busy watching tv. So after the bar, I asked him what he wanted to do. He told me "Honestly, I just want to go home." Again, I was mad, because I drove almost an hour to see him and he wanted to go home and sleep. I was pouting, so he said we'll just hang out.

 

So we went back to my house...and he fell asleep. Again, I was in his arms. Then I woke him up a little bit after, because I was bored. I decided that I wanted to fool around, so we fooled around. I also initiated sex..so we had sex. I'm beginning to wonder if it was a mistake. Anyways, so he he went back to sleep. He was holding me the whole night..it was the sweetest thing, it almost was like it was just a natural thing. No matter how much he moved around, his arms and legs were wrapped around me. I barely slept, because I was too busy making sure he was comfortable, basically taking care of him. I had to drive him home and he made me drop him off behind his friend's house (because he might see us), because he needed to pick up his car there. No goodbye kiss or anything, because he can easily see us.

 

During last night, he asked me if I wanted to go out tonight. So basically, he wanted to see me. BUT, I can't show up with him. I had to call his best friend (not the guy I dated) and basically ask him what he's doing and have HIM invite me. And he said, or Tuesday..he's going to drive to my apartment, which is an hour away. (my house that we fooled around in is 10 mins away from him). I jokingly told him that "you just see me as a piece of ass" and he told me that he doesn't know me well enough to say that. (Again, I don't know what that means). Another comment that he made that stands out was when I told him that his one best friend (the one I have to ask to invite myself to the bar) was basically groping me on Thursday night. He laughed at it. Then I said, "what would you say if I had sex with your friends?" (meaning his best friend) and he told me that he'd look at me differently. I did, however, sleep with the guy that I briefly and he knows about it.

 

Now, here's the problem. My best friend (whom I really don't talk to much anymore) told me since I've met Steve (which was a month and a half ago) that he is definitely a man-whore; he gets with a lot of girls. He also had a very long term relationship before too. She doesn't like him, at all. She even made a point to tell me that she hated him..based on the stories that she heard about him. Now, she doesn't know that I've been talking to him. Because she embedded these ideas in my head, I can't shake them off. Now, I don't know if there's any truth (he claims there isn't)to what she's saying..or if it's out of jealousy, because he didn't try anything with her.

Because he has a reputation among his friends as being "that guy", I'm beginning to wonder if all the things he says and do is programmed into him..because he's done it with so many other girls..or if he truly cares about me. But I'm thinking, if it was just sex, would he spend all night with me? Wouldn't he just go home after he got what he wanted? And he told me that I can kick him out if I wanted to (after we had sex), but obviously I didn't. But he stayed and I was in his arms the whole two nights he was with me. He also makes it sound like we're going to get together other times, and I'll see him soon.

 

It bothers me that he keeps our 'relationship' a secret. I'll admit, it was my idea at first (because I still had feelings for his best friend and I didn't want to ruin my chances with him), but then I told him that I didn't care. He told me that he doesn't care about what his friends will say..but he just wants his life to be simpler. I asked him last night if he has told anyone, and he said no. And basically, he turned it around and said it was MY idea (which it was at first) and then he said what will (the guy that I dated) think? One more thing that bothers me is how he treats me when he's around his friends and/or drunk. When I first met him, I met him at this bar, because it was both of our friend's birthday. He spend the whole night making sexual comments towards me. When he called me right when I started seeing his friend (I mentioned this above). When I talked to him on the phone last night before I saw him, he was making a lot of sexual comments. All three times he was around his friends. But in person, he's not like that. But when I'm around his friends, or even in general, I talk about sex a lot and I come off as being a very sexual person. But that still doesn't give him a reason to make me feel like a piece of meat.

 

 

What was meant to be a one-night stand to me has turned into feelings. I have all these feelings for him and I really don't know what to do about it. I want him to know, but at the same time, I don't know if he's just using me. Then again, I'm the one who initiates sex and sexual acts, so I don't think he's using me. His comments and his actions (such as him holding me) tells me one thing, but I can't shake that nagging feeling away from me.

 

 

I want to tell him what I'm feeling so badily..so badily that I want to pick up the phone right now and just tell him. I know I might see him tomorrow, but a part of me thinks I won't, because he had sex with me..and that's all he wanted from me. (see how much my friend's ideas gotten the best of me?) And I know I need to tell him how I feel, so I can at least save my sanity. But I don't want to turn into those girls that badgers the guy into putting a label on the relationship. I think the problem is I don't know how to approach him with the problems I have, because depending on if he's been drinking or tired, his moods are hard to predict. If he wanted to be with me exclusively, would he be hiding me? I mean, I know the circumstances, but still...

 

SO what's the best way to do this? What does this look like to you? I know it's impossible, but, does it seem like he just wants a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship..or does he want more? Can you please give me some general commments on what you think?

[SoleMate]

What does this look like to you?

A one-sided deal where he gets a few jollies and you get jerked around.

 

I know it's impossible, but, does it seem like he just wants a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship..or does he want more?

It's actually quite easy to see what he wants. Thi business is NOT complicated. He hides you like he's ashamed of you. He doesn't make time for you, or treat you well. The pathetic little attentions you mention - like him having pulled out a chair or put his arm around you - are just that, pathetic. Sure, they're nice - BUT ARE THOSE THE BEST THINGS HE'S EVER DONE FOR YOU? And then he calls you STUPID? And makes you feel like a piece of meat?

 

But I'm thinking, if it was just sex, would he spend all night with me? Wouldn't he just go home after he got what he wanted? And he told me that I can kick him out if I wanted to (after we had sex), but obviously I didn't. But he stayed and I was in his arms the whole two nights he was with me. He also makes it sound like we're going to get together other times, and I'll see him soon.

I'm so sad for you, that you mistake this kind of behavior for even common courtesy, let alone love and caring. He expects to get kicked out after sex, because he thinks he isn't wanted by you any more than you are wanted by him. Men like to fall asleep after late night sex and spend the night in a comfortable bed (just like women...strange). As long as you're not passing gas or kicking him in the shins all night, he's more comfortable there than he would be jumping up at 2 am. Also, he may get more sex in the morning.

 

Because he has a reputation among his friends as being "that guy", I'm beginning to wonder if all the things he says and do is programmed into him..because he's done it with so many other girls..

Yup. His friends know him well. He's "doing what he does". And yes, the little lovey-dovey attentions do get programmed into that kind of guy...because certain susceptible females do take such gestures seriously.

 

If he wanted to be with me exclusively, would he be hiding me?

No. He'd be proudly showing you off on his arm to all his friends - and treating you like you're #1.

 

Can you please give me some general commments on what you think?

I think you need to pick up a book on self-esteem and loving yourself.

[Merin]

Cancel the "benefits package" and learn from this.

 

When this guy can say with a straight face that he doesn't know you well enough to understand what it is he want's with you... uhhhh think its possible that you didn't know each other well enough to have been having sex then?

 

Sorry, but once you establish what is okay and acceptable for you and you did that in having an intimate involvement with this guy without understanding IF there would be anything more offered in the way of an actual relationship then essentially you've told this guy that this is okay with you and you're all good with it.

 

IF you're going to have sex with "Friends" then don't be suprised when you get your feelings hurt later... IF a romantic relationship is what you're seeking with someone then don't lead them to believe you are willing to accept less than that.