Stressed

[misty514]

Hello all,

 

I am in need of some advice. Ok I will start by saying that I am about to embark on a life changing move to a new location, a new career and am a bit anxious so maybe I am just working this up in my mind, but I will tell the story.

 

Ok a few months back my fiance started working with some old friends in his old stomping grounds. Now we both live in NYC so he has been comutting back and forth everyday. So when he first started working there he was staying after work having some beers and catching up with old friends, no big deal. So one day had to go to this part of town to go to a party & as we were ready to stop by the bar that my fiance was always hangin in after work I saw him text his friend if so &so is there dont stop. Well didnt really give it much thought just kept it to myself. Fast forward to the current time. So he stopped going to the bar after I started gettin a little angry that he was there 3 days a week, he is a recovering adddict so of course I had concerns. anyhow, last week, we found out that the house we want to rent is gonna cost us more money than we had, so my fiance comoes homes from work and tells me that we can borrow the money from this woman who works for his boss as a bookeeper, well I said who's that, as I had heard the name a few times lately in conversation but only knew of her as the bookeeper. So I expressed my concern as I did not feel comfortable with some woman I dont know giving my fiance 3000 bucks so I asked him if we could meet and he said sure no problem lets set it up.

 

But deep inside something wasnt sitting right. So I checked his phone, and saw texts from him saying forget about the money i will save up for it on my own & her responce was please take the help, everyone needs help sometimes. He was completely honest about the money thing and the who. but when I noticed that her number was listed under a guys name in his phone thats when I began to go nuts. so after he got out of the shower I asked him if I could call her so we could talk first before the meet and he said why thought you wanted to meet her, I said well yes I do but I feel like we should talk beforehand, so I said give me her number, he said I dont have it, I said yes you do, again denied by him, so I said well call your boss he has the number no? He said no not happening you are calling her for the wrong reasons now, so no, meanwhile still never telling him that I already knew he had the number.

 

Needless to say, the night was very tension filled and I was in complete shock, we have alwasy had a very open and honest relationship so this was a complete surprise to me. So next mornig I said before he left, please make me feel comfortable with this situation and get her number, he said forget it, we are not borrowing anything, you will meet her when you meet her. I said really ok, but I already knew what i was going to do, I had the number and the element of surpise on my side, so I called the woman & left her a message saying, Hi my fiance told me you want to help us out with some money for our move, well as a woman you could understand why I am not comfortabl e with this, I dont know you, so if you could call me that would be great.

 

Well about an hour later she called me. We talked for quite some time. She said she respected the fact that I reached out to her and that this was strictly business and that there was not or has not or going to be any funny buisness, they are friends and he always says great things about you, its quite nice to hear a guy talk like that about his lady. She said never wanted to hurt you guys, just trying to help. Ok fair enough, so she agreed to meet me this weekend to talk about things...great. Well 20 mins after we hung up got a text frm my fiance saying, you went behind my back and got teh number, very upset with you, told him why we had a great convosation, you handled it all wrong, you should have just let me talk to her, and you created all this mess becasue of that... but he still had no idea how I got the number, I told no one how I got it at that point. So when he came home from work he said where did you get the number I said the bar, she is a bookkeeper there too, he said no noone at the bar gave you the number, I think my boss gave it to you, and I knew I couldnt let his boss take the rap for that. So my fiance said well now I know you were sneaky so my trust in you has been compromised...now this was the best and most opportune time for me to say what I had been wanting to say for 2 days, but I believe in hittin em at the best time, so I said oh ya, you wanna talk about sneaky and trust, you know where I got the number, your phone, and why was here number under a guys name and why when I asked if you had it you lied to me over and over, please do not treat me like your ex wife and think i am stupid. So I said, why, why did you lie, he said I dont know, and I said and why did you put it under a guys name, again i dont know why, and deep inside I thought you would react this way so thas why, I said well had you been honest from th eget go I woud have been much better with it all. He told me a few wks before that I was going to meet her, but still I felt uncomfortable. I told him imagine if I did that, how would you feel, he said very angry, so I said, well then what did you expect, esp since you made it look suspious. He told me I never wanted to make you upset, I said well if this is how its gonna be Im finished with this. He said I would never do anything to hurt us, and I could never look you in the face or be around you if I was cheating, but you do not know what its like being accussed of something you are not guilty of. He told me we could be good friends and I said well she sounds like a woman who I can be cool with so then if you felt that way why not introduce us sooner?

 

Needles to say, saw a text frm her the next day asking if everything was ok and she never meant to cause hurt she was just trying to help the 2 of us. and as long as they are still friends then everythig is ok.

 

So we are meeting on Friday me and this woman for lunch...any advice...sorry so long

[Furious]

Your fiancé lied to you about not having the phone number of a woman willing to lend him three thousand dollars, but actually has her name disguised as a man's name on his cell. You then give him the chance to come clean and he lies straight to your face

 

You then call up this woman to talk and your fiancé finds out and he's angry at you for contacting this woman behind his back and lectures you about trust. Wow!!!!

 

Good for you, for calling him out on his lies and hypocrisy.

 

I think there's way more to their "friendship" than what they are both saying to you. Three thousand dollars is a lot of money and it's not something a casual friend just lends out to another casual friend.

 

Most likely this woman and your fiancé have put together a story to placate you and make you out to be a paranoid and jealous woman.

 

There's more to this, trust you gut and dig for the real truth.

When it quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

[Silveron]

misty.. is that all the text messages you saw from those two? Go online and check the cell phone bill to see how much they are communicating. Next time he goes out, surprise him and show up.

 

It's hard to say if anything is going on, you can't assume anything though you now know he is capable of lying to you. It really cracks the foundation of your relationship and him using the excuse 'Oh, you would be mad' is bull****. Does he have any other female friends? If he does then there is no reason for him to hide this from you.

 

You don't want to be in a relationship that you have to play detective in, it never works out. That text message to his friend asking about her being there is a red flag as well. I just get a weird feeling about this.

[misty514]

Hello,

 

He doesnt have any female friends, his boss is good friends with her as well, she does all the accounting for the businesses in the area. So we are meeting on Friday, we are also moving to a new house in the area where he is working now. So what kind of things should I be looking for when I have lunch with this woman...Im from the old school, keep your friends close but your eneimes closer. He said he wants us to be friends and that he thinks we would be great friends, so I am confused..so much on the line, but i say this, if I even sniff any wrongdoing I will take the money and head strait to the airport...and leave everything cause I will have nothing anyway

[Furious]

Hello,

 

He doesnt have any female friends, his boss is good friends with her as well, she does all the accounting for the businesses in the area. So we are meeting on Friday, we are also moving to a new house in the area where he is working now. So what kind of things should I be looking for when I have lunch with this woman...Im from the old school, keep your friends close but your eneimes closer. He said he wants us to be friends and that he thinks we would be great friends, so I am confused..so much on the line, but i say this, if I even sniff any wrongdoing I will take the money and head strait to the airport...and leave everything cause I will have nothing anyway

 

 

What do you know about this woman, is she married or in a relationship?

 

How long has your fiancé known her? If it's only been a short time, it really seems odd for her to be offering to lend that kind of money to him.

 

Also, I have to say that the deeper issue is your fiancé, who has shown himself to be a liar and manipulative. The fact that he turned on you and made you out to be an untrustworthy person shows that he can play mind games and can lie easily.

 

Is this the kind of man you want to invest a future with, that's something you really need to think about.

[Spark1111]

Hello,

 

He doesnt have any female friends, his boss is good friends with her as well, she does all the accounting for the businesses in the area. So we are meeting on Friday, we are also moving to a new house in the area where he is working now. So what kind of things should I be looking for when I have lunch with this woman...Im from the old school, keep your friends close but your eneimes closer. He said he wants us to be friends and that he thinks we would be great friends, so I am confused..so much on the line, but i say this, if I even sniff any wrongdoing I will take the money and head strait to the airport...and leave everything cause I will have nothing anyway

 

The fact that he kept it secret tells me he is maybe crossing a boundary and strating to fall for her.

 

The fact that she is willing to lend him and you 3,000 says to me she may be falling for him.

 

I think they are feeling they are just friends, but the emotional aspect of the affair is taking off, at least for him. That's why he kept it secret and disguised her as a man in his phone. That's just wrong. Lied about it. Wrong.

 

Good idea to meet her. Good idea to find the cell phone bills. Good idea to show up at his work unexpectedly for lunch, etc.