veronese Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 It's over He came home from work bad tempered and cold. He thinks a trial separation is necessary. He didn't want to come home from work after our telephone conversation earlier. He didn't want to come home to more misery. He said I was aggressive during our talk, he felt completely drained afterwards. During the call I said that I would eventually find out the whole truth, including whether he'd slept with them or not. I wonder if this has anything to do with him suddenly wanting to separate - he didn't want to this morning. It confirms my fears that he's not worth it. It's been me who has held on to this marriage. Now I am ready to let go he's more than happy to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 During the call I said that I would eventually find out the whole truth, including whether he'd slept with them or not. I wonder if this has anything to do with him suddenly wanting to separate - he didn't want to this morning. I must say since I don't know your whole situation that it does sound like you being aggressive towards him has made him want space. If he's cheated on you and you have proof and were trying to work it out then why keep bringing things up? =OR= if you were having "gut feelings" that he cheated on you and you're nagging at him to "confess" or you keep hounding at "finding the truth" anyone would get sick of hearing it. Again I'm purely going on what you typed above..if this isn't the situation then apologies but since the post isn't very clear it's hard to understand. I do want to say "Sorry that you're going through this" maybe if you talk things out you two can work it out, if not then good luck moving on in another direction. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 I am sorry to hear that, but I guess it might be for the best. Maybe some time apart will help. Either get better and time will tell if it's worth working out, as long as it's something you both want at that time...Or finding out how much happier you might be without him in your life daily. Get a therapist babe, to help you deal with the emotional side of this. Hang on to your friends, talk to them, get lots of love and support. I feel for you and PM me anytime if you want to. I have been through some real crap stuff in the past (health things etc...) and know how hard it is so don't be afraid to reach out and continue posting what you are feeling. Everyone here, no matter how harsh they can be, obviously can sense when someone is really hurting and will always give kind and loving words to help you out!! Hugs to you. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=309042#post309042 Replied here as well. I don't think you'll be able to repair the damage to your own side of the relationship until you know the truth. I don't think you'll ever beleive him if he ever DOES tell the truth. I don't think he can even begin to tell you. Suggest counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Ver, how are you doing? ((((HUGS)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author veronese Posted September 25, 2004 Author Share Posted September 25, 2004 Originally posted by deesgirl Ver, how are you doing? ((((HUGS)))) Ah, thanks darling, it's comforting to know someone cares. Well, he stayed away one night (at his brothers) and has been home ever since. Basically he doesn't want a break. He appears to think the decision is and was his (lol). I've gone down with a sinus infection (I had a cold but because I'm so low physically it got more serious). It's so annoying because I'm genuinely not well enough to do anything very much. One bit of good news though - I think I mentioned finding evidence of one woman's phone number on bills two months older than I'd been told about? Well the previous 3 months re-issues arrived today and there's no record of them there. I fully expected to see them going back another 12 months or more! Nice to know exactly how long she was on the scene though, I'm not too bothered by the discrepancy of a couple of months either - it's quite feasible it was a mistake and not deliberate. Anyway, I'm a little brighter, plotting one or two things which I'll run past you soon, not at all sure what tomorrow will bring. We haven't had the chance to properly talk yet, but staying out for the night on Wednesday seemed to make him think more deeply. In 17 years that was the first night he wasn't home in our bed. He didn't enjoy it one little bit. I'll write more when I can but in the meantime, how are things with YOU Deesgirl? Hugs and kisses v x Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 I've been feeling pretty good. Thank you for asking. I'm glad you are feeling better and sorry to hear about your sinus infection. I bet spending the night out of the house did open his eyes some. Stay strong and do whatever is best for you. Keep us informed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author veronese Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Hi guys, It's two months since I last wrote, I decided to spend less time on here and more time on my marriage! Well, we're still together.... and all in all things are a lot better. I seem to have turned a corner so I'm coping and generally more contented. I decided to take some action with regards settling my mind as to whether he had been sexually intimate with his three 'friends'. As some of you know it was a big hurdle for me mainly because I found it quite difficult to believe and tortured myself with the possibility that he was continuing to lie to me. Anyway, without going into details (in case the little cows are reading this!), I managed to obtain some fairly conclusive proof that he DID NOT HAVE SEX with any of them. I also got confirmation on details I already knew, and was relieved and delighted to stop perpetually worrying. It was delaying my progress and my doubts were becoming so overwhelming I couldn't envisage a future with so little trust. I'd enjoyed 17 years of unconditional trust with him, having that replaced with suspicion was not enjoyable. Although I was aware that trust would take several years to build up again (if at all), I hadn't appreciated how miserable each day would be, trying to believe but petrified of being a fool to even try. My emotional stability immediately improved and slowly but surely I have been trying to return to some semblance of normality. These last few weeks I have recognized glimmers of the old me coming out. I've tried to get on top of household chores so severely neglected since Easter, and last week finally got down to some work again. It's still not perfect, I still have regular doubts, I still feel insecure and vulnerable and I still have to forgive him - 100%. Not quite there yet! My H is a much more considerate and thoughtful man now. When I have the odd bad night he's supportive and comforting. The children are happier now harmony has been restored and mummy isn't such a zombie, it's really quite nauseatingly lovely at our house these days! BUT...... I have changed. I am not so naive. As much as I love him and hope we stay the course, I am under so false illusions anymore about life and relationships. Reading Loveshack has been an education. If only I had been better informed years ago I may not have immersed myself so completely in cloud cuckoo land! There are no guarantees but by God I'll give it my best shot. No more second chances though - of that I can be sure! Love to all the old guys Veronese x Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 I think that's really good news. You might be having trouble dealing with it still, but look at it another way. If you and he can overcome this, then that's proof of a very strong relationship. My girlfriend and I have been through some real rough spots, even near break-ups. We've overcome it all, we're happier and more stable than ever, and it's becoming more and more clear every day that we are very strong together. By the way, I recommend listening to a program called To the Best of Our Knowledge. The November 21 one about mathematics has some very interesting insights into relationships. You can find it at http://www.ttbook.org. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by veronese Hi guys, It's two months since I last wrote, I decided to spend less time on here and more time on my marriage! Well, we're still together.... and all in all things are a lot better. I seem to have turned a corner so I'm coping and generally more contented. It was delaying my progress and my doubts were becoming so overwhelming I couldn't envisage a future with so little trust. I'd enjoyed 17 years of unconditional trust with him, having that replaced with suspicion was not enjoyable. Although I was aware that trust would take several years to build up again (if at all), I hadn't appreciated how miserable each day would be, trying to believe but petrified of being a fool to even try. It's still not perfect, I still have regular doubts, I still feel insecure and vulnerable and I still have to forgive him - 100%. Not quite there yet! And ESPECIALLY... BUT...... I have changed. I am not so naive. As much as I love him and hope we stay the course, I am under so false illusions anymore about life and relationships. Reading Loveshack has been an education. If only I had been better informed years ago I may not have immersed myself so completely in cloud cuckoo land! Wow...all of these could have been written by me!!! Sounds almost exactly like where my wife and I are at in our recovery...and its interesting to note how many people have posted that one of the spouses had an affair in the 16th-17th year of their marriage!!! My wife and I were coming up on 17 years when she had an emotional online affair with a guy, and nearly left me for him. But, everything you've said in your post about what your feeling is EXACLTY what I've been going through! And that last part about how you've changed...I wonder if all of us who's spouses have done something like this have felt that exact same way? At any rate, I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well...and I think it gives hope to others trying to cope with this kind of thing to see that a marriage CAN recover from something like this...I really feel that ours will. Its not easy, and its going to leave some scars for a long time, but we CAN make it through this, and we WILL have an awesome relationship with our spouses going forward! Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted November 26, 2004 Share Posted November 26, 2004 It was good to hear from you, Ver, and I'm glad things are going better for you. You had been on my mind and I was hoping you would write. I too can relate to your feelings. I think part of recovering is to grieve for lost innocence. That has been the hardest change for me. I always looked for the good in people, but I've noticed that now I'm much more untrusting of people in general. I miss the old me. Just keep taking it a day at a time:) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts