4 years down the drain

[zendon73]

I would love a little advice if possible .

My fiancé of 3 months just broke up with me after 4 years of dating.

Not a uncommon story right? Well here goes. We had ( at least I thought a fantastic relationship) and we dated for almost 4 years with hardly a fight and we always had the best time with the same personality and jokes. She always told me everyday that she loved me and missed me and told her friends and both of our families how much she loved me and wanted to get married to me.

 

I finally proposed and gave her a beautiful ring a couple of months ago and she couldn't contain her excitement. Crying and jumping up down and calling everyone she knew. It was great and she immediately started to push to book a date and go to wedding vendors.

I was more than happy to oblige because even though marriage is a scary thing to me I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Things the last 2 months have been in full motion with us booking her dream wedding ( even though it was so much money) I wanted to give her what she wanted.

 

My mother and her parents were extremely pushy in a loving way and I could see that wearing on her. She has communication problems and slight depression and she keeps everything inside until it blows up.. I still thought things were great because the week she broke up with me she got her wedding dress and we booked a DJ . I had no sigs that anything was wrong and we even talked about baby names 2 days prior to her dumping me.

The day it happened she told me she loved me and missed me through text and everything was great. We lived together for 3 years and I came into our bedroom and she had a sad look on her face and naturally I asked what was wrong. She just blurted out " im not happy" So of course I said why? and she said she was in love with the idea of getting married and loved me but wasn't sure if she was in love with me.

 

This after telling me everyday how much she loved me and wanted to marry me. I was stunned and immediately broke into the ill do anything to make this work mode and sat her down and she wouldn't communicate with me whatsoever. We lived together and the next couple of days were awful.

Finally after 4 days I told her I loved her and would never kick her out but it hurt to much to see her everyday. She couldn't afford our place and I offered to leave to not to inconvenience her and she said she would leave I asked her if it was someone else and she swore up and down that she wasn't and just needed to be alone. That was the most I got out of her besides a text that said " I know you are a great man and I know im messing up this relationship I need help" At that time I thought she was at least human and I could deal with it.

 

On easter I asked if she wanted me to come and she said of course my family loves you. So I went and was outside with her brother and came in to use the bathroom and her 2 sisters and mother were missing with her. Later on I came in and politely pulled her to the side and asked if she told anyone and she said she did. I was now stuck in a house where everyone knew she didn't want to be with me and this is the same family who were at our engagement party 2 weeks prior.

I did the mature thing and kissed everyone goodbye and said happy easter and took the walk of shame and left the house. The next 4 days before she left were awful I became a shell of myself and not the fun guy she fell in love with. I was an emotional wreck in front of her even prompting her to say I was too intense. Finally the Friday before she said she was leaving on Saturday came around and I said can you please come home right after work and hand me the ring back and I want to say bye to my dogs and cat. She said she boarded them and she would come over. I was a wreck.

 

I knew if she was leaving I didn't even have the chance to say bye to my animals ( I work 13 hours a day and unfortunately its in there best interest to be with her) but damn that was cold. She came over and once again I tried everything to get her back to no avail. I asked for the ring and she bit her lip and was almost shaking when giving it back. I old her to look at it and she said she couldn't.

She walked past me and flipped our wedding contract over and said she couldn't look at it either. Before she left I told he that this is her home and she doesn't have to leave and told her that if I come home after work and your stuff is gone then good luck to you and I love you, but if not I know you at least want to try. I thought for certain her moving her things would get to her and she would at least think.

 

This is where the coldness reached an entire new level. I came home from work and the whole house was gutted. None of my stuff was touched but she took everything from candles to dishes. I was stunned and all of our pictures were gone and garbage bags were left at the curb of our house.

My natural inclination was to obviously look and sure enough our wedding book, my proposal card and all of our notes and pictures were thrown in the trash. I maintained a great level of maturity during the whole process and never cursed, yelled or got angry at her. I couldn't believe this was happening. I am now stuck in a 3 bedroom apartment by myself ( incidentally its in her town where I know nobody but her friends and family) I was in complete shock and never felt so disrespected in my life.

 

I was clearly the loser in this situation and jesus take the pictures down the street and dispose of them. Don't just throw them on our curb. I spent everyday of 4 years talking and texting her 50 times a day and I said you know what let me give her the space she wants and didn't contact her for a week.

I thought for sure she would realize what a terrible thing she did at least and reach out to me. I got no good luck, no have a good life nothing. Stuck in a house with memories and no animals to greet me when I come home. After a week I just couldn't take it anymore and asked for the keys back ( yes she has them for some reason ) and she said she would drop them off but made a excuse when the time came.

 

Finally I let loose with a everything I was feeling text and it was mature and very to the point. it was also about 5 pages long in a text ( I wanted to say it face to face to her but I thought I wouldn't get a chance) she responded the next morning that " yes we have the same likes and same sense of humor but I didn't think we had much more than that) So I responded with the " so you are saying you aren't attracted to me? ( news to me because everyday up until she broke it off she said how good looking I was) She ignored it and said im a great man but she couldn't marry me because she was just not happy.

 

I wasn't perfect I got angry at times with stress but I never hurt her or mentally abused her. She also said I was suffocating when we broke up but **** we lived together where was I supposed to go? TO MAKE A LONG STORY LONGER I don't know where she lives or where our animals are nd she hasn't talked to me after I left her the text 5 days ago to please mail the keys or drop them off.

Since we broke up 3 weeks ago she hasn't contacted me first once and after everyday being with someone im dumbfounded as to how she just flipped like that. Was it marriage pressure? She pushed all the time for it and maybe she didn't want to go through the wedding planning hassle and looked at me in a very real light . Her mom and sister reached out to me to tell me how sick they are over this and I said thank you for always being great to me. I haven't reached out to anyone in her life because that wont change a thing. but man am I a mess as you can tell. I got nothing emotion wise from her and not even why she was unhappy.

 

I know most of you will say this has been in her mind for awhile.. and im ok with the her not loving me etc.. the thing that is killing me is the everyday act that she put up.

She got a wedding dress 3 days prior for goodness sake nd she said she loved me and missed me the same day it happened. There were no warning signs whatsoever we had a great time the night before out to eat. Can anyone tell me what happened and what to do next ? I obviously love her and I know after the show she put on I couldn't take her back ( easier said than done) I am stuck thinking the last 4 years was a joke and I have sworn now not to contact her and it doesn't seem to bother her I guess because she isn't either.

 

I want a little human touch and to know that she is at least the same girl I fell in love with. I mean just show me something. I am in the dark as to what happened and when it happened but is she even thinking about me? My friends tell me this is her way of dealing with it and since she is a sucky communicator that she would rather just avoid it and push it to the back of her mind.

I want to know why she ran and I don't think im ever going to get any answers. Anyone ever experience this or have any advice? Why go though the motions of saying you love someone and booking a wedding hall, dj, etc if you feel like this deep down inside?

 

I know I shouldn't contact her and wont but damn she cant even return the keys and she deleted half of my friends from facebook but not the other half and our pictures are still up on her page. Wtf? I would like anyones perspective on what she is thinking and why ? Not being loved is one thing but this is just cruel no? Thank you all for suffering as much as me reading through this.

Edited April 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[zendon73]

anyone have anything for me? ill accept anything

[Coping Vortex]

anyone have anything for me? ill accept anything

 

I said it before and I will say it again women can throw the switch at any moment. They love you until they don't.

[Coping Vortex]

anyone have anything for me? ill accept anything

 

Normally I would say another guy. Do your investigating to confirm. If not then she got cold feet.

[andre84]

Man that sucks and I feel for you. I'm going through a tough break up myself.. ( https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/388840-sharing-my-story#post4830486 ) Because of the timeframe is hard to believe that she doesnt love you but I agree with a post above that women can love until they don't.

[zendon73]

Thank you for the replies. I can't imagine the thought process of someone just going cold like that. I thought it was another guy but a mutual friend says it isn't. Is there a reason she is acting like I'm doing something wrong for her to be so cold? After all we have been through I need your help in how to act if she does call or text? Also assurance that I shouldn't contact her for any reason. Thanks again. Pretty nutty story right?

[Chi townD]

First thing before I respond. In the furture, PARAGRAPHS!!! That was hard as hell to read.

 

Now, She wouldn't tell you that you are good looking and when she broke it off with you, she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you speech." Those are classic responses for a cheater. I'm willing to bet that there WAS a guy in the picture within those 4 years and she felt guilty about it enough that she wasn't willing to be your wife and live with this secret for the rest of her life. The guilt would have been too much.

 

OR there is currently a guy in the picture. And that would explain how she's able to throw the switch and not contact you AT ALL. Because, she has someone else occupying her time.

 

You may not believe that she would be capable of cheating on you and you may come back an say that she isn't that kind of a girl. But let's be honest, you didn't think that she would be the kind of girl to break up with you on the Eve of her wedding either. And right now, you have NO idea where the hell she is.

 

I think you need to look into some things. If you have a computer at home that you two used jointly from time to time, brouse through the history and see if there's anything that would raise a red flag with you. If you know any of her passwords to email accounts check them out. It may sound sneaky and underhanded, but deposits and money were dished out for this and you deserve the truth of what actually happened. Hell, ask her sister if she knows about anything. But, do it in person to gage facial reactions and she if she covering for her. See if she trips over her words or stutters. If she figits or constantly plays with her hair or with something around her. Or a close friend to hers, ask them what's going on.

 

If you inquire from other people, your Ex IS going to get in contact with you to tell you to knock it off. But, at least she'll be talking to you again. Stop, if she threatens to go to the cops. It's not a crime to ask questions. But, you don't need a threat of harassment. So, don't make grilling people a habit.

[zendon73]

Thank you and you are right about the paragraphs. I read it again and it was rough lol. I was told by someone with no interest that she is single and don't think it's a current guy but you may be right about a guy in the past.

 

Unfortunately I have no way of getting passwords etc and I do deserve a reason but don't think I will get one from someone who keeps everything inside .

At this point I'm more disappointed than anything but I guess I shouldn't expect something from someone capable of doing this.

 

Maybe I shouldn't focus on why and start focusing on the crappy act itself . The longer it goes means the longer I will receive no contact. She promised to drop the keys off but haven't heard from her in a week. I've made my stance to have her return the keys and maybe she threw those out as well . Time to just change the locks. You know how tough it is to come home to 5 letters everyday with wedding letters from vendors and to have people who don't know ask me " how is the wedding planning going" It's a battle everyday and I'm thankful for responses. Funny thing is that when I first started dating her I wasn't attracted to her but she had such an amazing personality that I fell in love with her. Now that it's gone I suppose I should focus on that . No contact right?

[Axee]

Give this situation some time..

 

You dont have the answers yet, and wait till the answers come to you..

Most probably its cold feet i think..

 

Anywho, for you going no contact is easier said than done..Take each day as it comes, it wil start getting easier.

[steelpantherrocks]

Man, this is like a carbon copy of my senario.

 

its very disrespectful and degrading when a person you share so much with just does a 180 and walks the other way. i would bet there is someone else that shes into. it was with mine. my ex was so sweet, a tad slutty before me but i didnt think she was capable of doing what she did. took her months to get her stuff out of my house, always claimed to be busy, wouldnt answer calls texts etc, the whole time seeing one of my friends..

 

anyway, i think to be honest this girl did you a favour dude, i mean lets be honest here, if shes capable of doing this now shes more than capable of doing this down the road when your married. do you want to get a divorce. i didnt. she did me a huge favour. my ex sounds alot like yours. no compassion or class they lack that respect we alway showed them.

 

i wouldnt go searching for it though. youll find out eventually, some of my friends knew about my ex and my friend and didnt even tell me because they saw how messed up i was and they didnt want to hurt me more. i was hurt when we split up but at the time it was for the right reasons but when i found out later on about her and my buddy i flipped out. 6 months later i still pray i run into this clown. and her i have so much anger and hate for her because of how heartless she was. take it on the chin, get back up, and live man. youll go through all the stages, right now im in full on hate mode but im ok with it. its a long road to feel ok everyday but once that cloud lifts youll see how good this was. i truley believe everything happens for a reason and in time youll see this was for the best.

 

i thought my relationship was great, aparently it wasnt, your gonna put her up on a pedistle as we all do, your gonna thinkof how perfect she was and how great her body is etc etc, i had a hard time getting the vision of her with other guys out of my head. but in time it goes away and you will see her for what she is.

 

do yourself a favour, get mad, be mad and hate her, hate her to the point that you never want to talk to her again, cause trust me as i have said in the past on here, staying in contact with someone so disresectful and classless just prolongs the pain. leave her in the dust dude and go have fun.. easier said than done i know but youll be alright..

[OwlSoul]

I said it before and I will say it again women can throw the switch at any moment. They love you until they don't.

Come on. You're a mature man, and saying stuff like this... I'd tell men are even worse then.

 

 

its very disrespectful and degrading when a person you share so much with just does a 180 and walks the other way.

It is most natural human nature. What do you expect the person to do when she/he feels bad and trapped in the relationship for years, spent in arguements? Second partner ALWAYS feels the dumper getting colder, start being possessive and jealous. The dumper's needs aren't satisfied as well as dumpee's. =/

[zendon73]

quick update- Got the dreaded text from her brother today saying how sorry the whole family was that things didn't work out between us and how much they were looking forward to welcoming me into the family . last words were " you are a great guy who we have nothing but respect for and we wish you nothing but luck in life and in love"

 

That makes 2 family members who have contacted me ( no friends who I was close with as well) since she dumped me and they have all contacted me more than she has. Going on a week now with no contact at all and it was nice to get that text because your first inclination when nobody contacts you is to think " damn maybe she is running around telling her family and friends that I beat her or something"

 

My response was a thank you and that I miss them all and wanted to throw in that the morning that I was discarded I was told " I love you and I miss you" and now I am sitting in a empty house with no girl I love and no pets" Screw it I figured I might as well not just tell them I am great and thanks for the well wishes.

 

Still can't understand this at all ( maybe another guy, drugs, ) who knows but I know have a question for all that has been on my mind after I got this validation text...

 

I might not ever get closure or even contact from her and she might not be thinking about me at all.. but if the time comes and she does reach out to me with even a simple " hey" or a " how are you" text. How do I handle it? Do I snub her? do I lie and say I am amazing? or do I just keep it short and simple?

 

Thank you to all as this site has become super therapeutic for me.

[zendon73]

anyone have answers to my previous post. I get this feeling that i'm going to be receiving the " hey" text soon

[Am4Real]

There is more to the story than you are aware of – the decision was drastic and final and perhaps done either with rage or guilt when you were not in the home.

 

Chi townD gave you several plausible reasons and I have to agree with the possibility of there being another person in her life – whether it be emotional or physical or both. Something is array, no doubt.

 

The clue is the abandonment of all her memories. Unless there is an act of impropriety or abuse, most persons box up their memories during the healing process and either selectively discard at a later date or review once they have healed, treating them as mementos of their life. Not your fiancée, she removed anything related to you and her and garbage’d all tangible evidence.

 

That is more than cruel; it appears to be a drastic denial for some reason.

 

Did you not say you work long hours (13 hour days)? What do you suppose filled her time all the while you were working so much? Something is not right!

 

Leave her alone as you’re doing; she is not likely to want to explain her actions to you at this time or possibly ever.

 

I agree with Chi townD on conducting a quick investigation, however do not become obsessed with it. If you can’t immediately determine anything, leave it to be unanswered and work on healing yourself.

 

Honestly, it sounds like something snapped with her and this is sure to be the best thing for you in the long run.

[zendon73]

There is more to the story than you are aware of – the decision was drastic and final and perhaps done either with rage or guilt when you were not in the home.

 

Chi townD gave you several plausible reasons and I have to agree with the possibility of there being another person in her life – whether it be emotional or physical or both. Something is array, no doubt.

 

The clue is the abandonment of all her memories. Unless there is an act of impropriety or abuse, most persons box up their memories during the healing process and either selectively discard at a later date or review once they have healed, treating them as mementos of their life. Not your fiancée, she removed anything related to you and her and garbage’d all tangible evidence.

 

That is more than cruel; it appears to be a drastic denial for some reason.

 

Did you not say you work long hours (13 hour days)? What do you suppose filled her time all the while you were working so much? Something is not right!

 

Leave her alone as you’re doing; she is not likely to want to explain her actions to you at this time or possibly ever.

 

I agree with Chi townD on conducting a quick investigation, however do not become obsessed with it. If you can’t immediately determine anything, leave it to be unanswered and work on healing yourself.

 

Honestly, it sounds like something snapped with her and this is sure to be the best thing for you in the long run.

 

Thank you for the response. She also worked long days in a office with all woman but I do think the her not contacting me now has to do with her occupying her time with someone else. She swore she wasn't seeing anyone and I found out through a 3rd party that she wasn't but who knows.

 

the throwing all the stuff away was a typical move for a surface person but the non respect of it all ( I sent her a long text detailing everything I was thinking and I got only a I wasn't happy response) but maybe you are right that she removed all evidence.. Why leave the pictures still up on facebook then?

 

So many questions as you all an read from my initial post. Am I wrong to feel completely disrespected? Or should I just say damn she did me a favor?

 

Lastly I really need advice on how to handle the situation if she does try and text me in the future.

[Am4Real]

Stop trying to get answers about her behaviors – I don’t even know here and can see her actions are irrational. BTW, how old is she, 23 or younger?

 

The only thing you need to understand at the moment is the reason she gave you. She told you she was not happy! You can’t make her be happy? There is nothing you can do.

 

Her methods of terminating her unhappiness were classless, immature and without respect. Like I said in the last post it reads like something in her snapped or something else is going on. Regardless, let me repeat to you: she said she is not happy with you. As much as it hurts, you can’t buy, force, or fabricate happiness.

 

Likely after all the time together she may come around and explain herself, she may not ever. We don’t know. When that happens you’ll know what to do based on what is said to you and of course you can always post back here. In the meantime focus on yourself and not her. Okay?

 

 

Thank you for the response. She also worked long days in a office with all woman but I do think the her not contacting me now has to do with her occupying her time with someone else. She swore she wasn't seeing anyone and I found out through a 3rd party that she wasn't but who knows.

 

the throwing all the stuff away was a typical move for a surface person but the non respect of it all ( I sent her a long text detailing everything I was thinking and I got only a I wasn't happy response) but maybe you are right that she removed all evidence.. Why leave the pictures still up on facebook then?

 

So many questions as you all an read from my initial post. Am I wrong to feel completely disrespected? Or should I just say damn she did me a favor?

 

Lastly I really need advice on how to handle the situation if she does try and text me in the future.

[zendon73]

Stop trying to get answers about her behaviors – I don’t even know here and can see her actions are irrational. BTW, how old is she, 23 or younger?

 

The only thing you need to understand at the moment is the reason she gave you. She told you she was not happy! You can’t make her be happy? There is nothing you can do.

 

Her methods of terminating her unhappiness were classless, immature and without respect. Like I said in the last post it reads like something in her snapped or something else is going on. Regardless, let me repeat to you: she said she is not happy with you. As much as it hurts, you can’t buy, force, or fabricate happiness.

 

Likely after all the time together she may come around and explain herself, she may not ever. We don’t know. When that happens you’ll know what to do based on what is said to you and of course you can always post back here. In the meantime focus on yourself and not her. Okay?

 

Absolutely agree with you and everything she did was totally selfish. I could live with all the she doesn't love me stuff if she didn't put up the biggest front everyday ( I mean getting a wedding dress 3 days before she dumped me? ) cmon that's sick.

 

Your advice is certainly helping thank you and I want to know how you would handle it if she contacted me in the future? Cordial, ignore? act happy? thanks again btw she is 34 which makes it more odd

[bluecrabroll]

Actually.... aside from the speculations from a relationship point of view. You did mention that she suffers from depression.

 

From reading the posts it would also sounds like a manic episode which would mean she could have some bipolar disease and unmasked in the midst of all the stress. If she is taken antidepressants it can actually make the manic episodes worse as well. Normally they make sure to screen for bipolar disorder before treating depression.

 

I would be patient with her and let things unravel. It all does not make too much sense (very dramatic) but I think family needs to see if there is any psychiatric help that can be done. My 2c

[zendon73]

Actually.... aside from the speculations from a relationship point of view. You did mention that she suffers from depression.

 

From reading the posts it would also sounds like a manic episode which would mean she could have some bipolar disease and unmasked in the midst of all the stress. If she is taken antidepressants it can actually make the manic episodes worse as well. Normally they make sure to screen for bipolar disorder before treating depression.

 

I would be patient with her and let things unravel. It all does not make too much sense (very dramatic) but I think family needs to see if there is any psychiatric help that can be done. My 2c

 

Thank you I wish she did see a doctor she admitted to depression but refused to see a doctor. She hides everything well. Nobody thinks anything is wrong with her. She has been holding in depression for years since her father passed. She just wouldn't deal with it and once a year she would just blow up . The whole story is dramatic I agree.

[Am4Real]

I didn't catch the Wedding Dress purchase in the original post (if it was there). That is even more drastic then. Have you seen any outbreaks of depression or irrational behaviors before?

 

She is 34?!?! I would have to say her age rules out immaturity from what we often see in very young persons with these matters.

 

Again, stop trying to figure it out and work on yourself.

 

Don;t worry about what to say now, post here when or if contact is ever made and we can go from what is communicated to you. Okay?

 

Absolutely agree with you and everything she did was totally selfish. I could live with all the she doesn't love me stuff if she didn't put up the biggest front everyday ( I mean getting a wedding dress 3 days before she dumped me? ) cmon that's sick.

 

Your advice is certainly helping thank you and I want to know how you would handle it if she contacted me in the future? Cordial, ignore? act happy? thanks again btw she is 34 which makes it more odd

[bluecrabroll]

Just make sure she is not suicidal and not alone and that she is safe. Communicate that to her family and let them take care of her.

 

Just take your time and gather your thoughts and see how things go.

[zendon73]

I didn't catch the Wedding Dress purchase in the original post (if it was there). That is even more drastic then. Have you seen any outbreaks of depression or irrational behaviors before?

 

She is 34?!?! I would have to say her age rules out immaturity from what we often see in very young persons with these matters.

 

Again, stop trying to figure it out and work on yourself.

 

Don;t worry about what to say now, post here when or if contact is ever made and we can go from what is communicated to you. Okay?

 

Thank you all. I seriously have felt 50 times better since joining this site thanks to all who have responded.

 

I never saw irrational behavior from her but she always had this nonchalant way about her which always made me wonder. Only depression ever stemmed from her father. She does not get along with her mother at all and I've even had her friends tell me in the past that she should see someone about her dad passing.

 

She would keep it inside and then just burst once a year. It was so bad that every wedding we attended I had to bring her outside when the bride danced with her father she would start crying . This probably explains the sudden breakup. She probably just kept it inside and blew up, I only wish I was afforded the opportunity when the feelings came in her head to talk about it or even try therapy . The wedding dress and the talking about babies the same week really threw me off Along with the engagement party 2 weeks prior.

 

34 but the act didn't show signs of maturity . I will certainly ask here what to say if I'm contacted by her in the future but I'm clueless as to how long to wait before texting back etc.

[zendon73]

One week now with no contact after I told her to drop off a personal belonging. Total shutdown mode on her part. Am I a glutton for punishment in wishing she would just be a human being and contact me? This roller coaster is nuts. There are times during the day where I'm totally ok in screw her mode. Every morning I wake up and I'm awful .

[zendon73]

Let me ask you all something and I can't believe how much this site has helped me knowing others feel like I do. After reading my story or even briefly to tell you that I dated someone for 4 years and was engaged with no warning signs of breaking up.

 

Is her going from contacting me every 20 minutes of the day to no contact at all a normal thing ( at least in my case) ? I know you all will say she isn't with you so why should she contact you ... But how does the dumper turn on the cd switch like that? She gutted our house and didn't say goodbye , good luck etc.. What if I was a fragile guy and god forbid killed myself after coming home to nothing? Shouldn't she wanted to at least see if I was ok? Maybe expecting to much from someone capable of doing what she did right? It's just so strange to me

[Axee]

Ask her family as to why were you treated this way?

 

She cannot just do her own thing, when and how she likes it, actions like these are the effects of todays modern thoughts "Do what you like, care only for what you want"

 

I think, you are saved from a divorce. If she contacts you again, ask her, Why didnt you think of everything before saying yes to marry me? Do you understand the repercussions of your actions. ?

 

Think long and hard as to do you really want her back.. And yes please stop rationalizing this behaviour due to depression etc etc.

 

I think you have every right to know what just happened but dont obsess ovver it (easier said than done). Be strong and be brave.