4 years down the drain

[Chi townD]

 

This revenge dilemma is one that has been running through my mind for months and it's a terrible feeling... Everyone im sure will say " the best revenge is to be happy" or " ignoring her is your best revenge"... unfortunately it's just not that simple for me to let someone spit in my face and just say " thanks for doing that" because thats how i feel .

 

Anyone else ever feel like this?

 

Yes, and what exactly is the type of revenge that you're thinking about is going to accomplish?

 

Yeah, she spit in your face. But, what you have to do is smile and say, you know what? You're not worth my time.

 

I said it before, she's stuck. She's having a kid with a much older guy. She's tied to him for the rest of her life and you have a get out of jail free card to go wherever and do whatever you like. There's nothing tying you down.

[mikei880]

When I was in therapy I was told that within 2 years that my ex would be back, realizing what she walked away from.

 

Knowing that, your revenge is if and when this happens you will say "no thanks".

 

Your revenge will be learning from this and being a better person for it.

 

Your revenge will be that awesome new girl you will meet and treats you right.

 

Your revenge will be that she is blowing smoke up this other guys rear and he will figure it out eventually.

 

Look to the future, you are still in the greiving process, it'll take awhile....

 

It will get better!

[zendon73]

Yes, and what exactly is the type of revenge that you're thinking about is going to accomplish?

 

Yeah, she spit in your face. But, what you have to do is smile and say, you know what? You're not worth my time.

 

I said it before, she's stuck. She's having a kid with a much older guy. She's tied to him for the rest of her life and you have a get out of jail free card to go wherever and do whatever you like. There's nothing tying you down.

 

I have no idea what i am going to accomplish and everything you are saying is 100% correct ( as usual) it's just something that i have always had in me.. When someone does me wrong i just find it hard to let it slide.

[zendon73]

I've been wondering how you were doing. Yours is one of the first stories I read on LS, and it stuck with me. I'm so sorry. Someone on another thread recommended a book called "Mars and Venus Starting Over" and said it helped them.

 

I haven't felt the need for revenge on my ex, but I have been very angry at times. In the beginning, I felt like someone just pulled the rug out from under my life and all that I knew. My future was suddenly a blank slate. All these plans and dreams had to be altered. I can it's gotten better in the past 5 months, but I'm still very sad. Your feelings are normal; you just need to find something to channel them into.

 

I know you want revenge because you want them to hurt as badly as you do. The advice I would give you is to possibly move to a different town. Didn't you say your family lives elsewhere, and you were only living there for her? Maybe you can find some sort of hobby/goal to throw everything into. It has helped me tremendously to get into hiking more after my breakup. I have been setting goals, ect. It's been a lifesaver truly.

 

Thank you for your kind words.. I have been keeping busy and it does help . I feel like 6 months should make me feel better .. but truth be told the way she left and got pregnant and everything else in my original post has left a sour taste in my mouth that i can't get over. I am trying

[BC1980]

Thank you for your kind words.. I have been keeping busy and it does help . I feel like 6 months should make me feel better .. but truth be told the way she left and got pregnant and everything else in my original post has left a sour taste in my mouth that i can't get over. I am trying

 

I don't think 6 months is enough time for you to get over what happened to you, and I don't blame you for feeling what you do. What she did is pretty deplorable. She basically left you with the emotional scars and trauma to be dealt with on your own. She was selfish in and did what suited her, and you were a casualty. The only positive is that at least you found out what she is capable of before marrying her. She is apparently capable of some pretty awful things.

 

I really hope for a fresh start for you. I think you need some changes to start your new life. There's a fork in the road, and you should start your own, awesome life from here on out. You now have the freedom to make it anything you want. Take a trip, move, get a new job, just get a new life. Stat over completely.

[Chi townD]

I have no idea what i am going to accomplish and everything you are saying is 100% correct ( as usual) it's just something that i have always had in me.. When someone does me wrong i just find it hard to let it slide.

 

Who said you're letting it slide? You can still get your revenge and that's to lead a damn good life! Go out and explore see the world! She already sealed her fate. Your life is an open book!

 

Wouldn't it be cool if one day she gets curious and she takes a peek at your Facebook page and she see that in your timeline photo is a picture of you standing in ankle deep water on a white sandy beach somewhere in the Caribbean in swim trucks. And you have a margarita in one hand and a senorita wearing a micro bikini in the other!!! She would be like, "Damn, that could have been me in that picture.." as she continues to change a dirty diaper.

 

THAT'S how you get your revenge! Giving her a glimpse of what she could have had!

[Sparkle304]

So I've just read this entire thread. I truly feel for you. I also think you're stronger than what you believe you are.....

 

As for your question regarding revenge, I've definitely thought of a few ways to get back at my ex. However, none ever come to fruition because #1 - I have too much pride and #2 - it takes FAR TOO MUCH ENERGY to devise revenge strategies and I no longer want to waste any of my precious time on him!

 

Look at it this way......this girl treated you horribly BUT you continue giving your power to her. She's shacked up with some loser and yet she still has some control/power over your life. Hell, she doesn't even want this power, but you keep shovelling it at her. Stop giving her this power! Trust me, I realize this is easier said than done, but hopefully this realization will help you mend your heart.

 

And just in reference to another poster's suggestion of travelling and taking in the world....be careful here. I've tried that route and your emotions follow you whether you're on a beach in Fiji, the bars of Las Vegas or the ski hills of Chile. In fact, it can sometimes make you feel worse because you'd much rather be in these places with someone you love........just my opinion.

 

Keep posting.....

[zendon73]

So I've just read this entire thread. I truly feel for you. I also think you're stronger than what you believe you are.....

 

As for your question regarding revenge, I've definitely thought of a few ways to get back at my ex. However, none ever come to fruition because #1 - I have too much pride and #2 - it takes FAR TOO MUCH ENERGY to devise revenge strategies and I no longer want to waste any of my precious time on him!

 

Look at it this way......this girl treated you horribly BUT you continue giving your power to her. She's shacked up with some loser and yet she still has some control/power over your life. Hell, she doesn't even want this power, but you keep shovelling it at her. Stop giving her this power! Trust me, I realize this is easier said than done, but hopefully this realization will help you mend your heart.

 

And just in reference to another poster's suggestion of travelling and taking in the world....be careful here. I've tried that route and your emotions follow you whether you're on a beach in Fiji, the bars of Las Vegas or the ski hills of Chile. In fact, it can sometimes make you feel worse because you'd much rather be in these places with someone you love........just my opinion.

 

Keep posting.....

 

Thank you and I totally agree... like others on here , I have strong days and weak ones. Im 39 now and it is just hitting me that damn I have to start over. So close to the wedding and the kid after and now she is having one with someone else.

 

Hell I don't even think it's her that I love and rather the fact that im almost 40 now and have to hear the question " So why aren't you married" It's like I have a strike against me when I didn't even do anything wrong lol.

 

The whole vacation analogy is spot on because I still live in the apartment we shared.. and it does kill me... but if I move ill just take my thoughts with me. I would never stoop to revenge but damn I sure would like her to feel a ounce of the pain she caused me.

[Sparkle304]

I totally understand about "the clock ticking". And trust me, it is far worse for women! I've been reminded many times that once a woman hits 35, her chances of finding someone decreases dramatically. I'm 37....sigh

[zendon73]

Hey all... quick update for those who have helped me.

 

I met someone new and have been dating for almost a month and this girl has helped me forget ( for the most part) about my crappy ex fiance.

 

After 7 months i finally started to date and i think my ex's transgressions are projectecting through my dating.. I am so anxious with this girl im dating and i am finding it hard to trust her because of what i went through before.

 

I haven't dated in 5 years and this new girl is pretty nice but my anxiety is killing me. I overthink everything now because of what happened in my past and i am afraid it is going to ruin what i have now and in the future.

 

To compensate i am being overly nice and super fast ( which i really do not want to do) . New girl likes to go out and likes to drink and that wouldn't be a problem for me but i now think every girl cheats and it isn't fair to her.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I mean it just seems so un natural to me to analyze every text and meeting.. I think i might need more help because i don't think it is supposed to be this hard. I just want to be happy and im probably forcing it to get my ex out of my mind.

 

Last night new girl went to a local bar to meet a friend and stayed out until 1 when she had work at 7am.. now i can't tell her what to do.. but since i was lied to so much in the past.. i thought to myself.. why does a girl need to go out until 1 in the morning on a Tuesday night?? This is supposed to get better right???

 

She already says she loves me .. but disapears at times and i dont think i am ready to date yet.. at least i think this should be easier right?

 

thoughts?

[Valen]

Trusting again after what you have gone through is going to be extremely difficult. But you have to remember that jealousy and mistrust can ruin relationships. So don't fall victim of your own insecurities. Remind yourself that you're a great guy and you can be a better lover this time around. Also your happiness should never be depended upon someone else. That's giving someone's else too much power over you.

 

I went through something similar to yours, 4 year relationship as well, down the drain. I thought one day I would marry her but she broke off with me, dropping a letter on my car. No in person chat, no phone calls. Just a letter ending it all. I found out there was another guy involve. After I found that out, I forget her completely. 2 years later, she contacted me again, trying to get back into my life. I gave her the friendly "hello, how u been?" chat then afterwards, I ignore her completely again and haven't spoken to her since. I stayed single for a few years when that ended, because I knew deep down I wanted to find myself again. The guy who was so full of life that many girls were attracted to me. I didn't want to jump into another relationship hoping some new girl will make me happy again. I knew I had to do it myself. So it took me a long time, but I healed. And now happy with my life with or without someone. I'm also dating again and of course being in a relationship is much better than being alone but you also have to be your full self before you can truly love again.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Valen

[smuggy95]

don't take this new date too seriously. Just enjoy it for what it is. Let yourself enjoy the feeling of romancing and flirting and don't think about marriage children or whatever right now.

Take whatever she says with a grain of salt, but be kind and if she's a good person you naturally grow to trust her.

Until then, just have fun.

[Chi townD]

If you're not ready to date, then don't date! Simple as that! But, you're making "dating" more than what it has to be.

 

What I did was I just told myself that it was just a night out on the town with a pretty girl and nothing more than that. Took the pressure off, took the stress off. And made it easy to enjoy the evening. Just go into it with no expectations.

[happydate]

I would love a little advice if possible .

My fiancé of 3 months just broke up with me after 4 years of dating.

Not a uncommon story right? Well here goes. We had ( at least I thought a fantastic relationship) and we dated for almost 4 years with hardly a fight and we always had the best time with the same personality and jokes. She always told me everyday that she loved me and missed me and told her friends and both of our families how much she loved me and wanted to get married to me.

 

I finally proposed and gave her a beautiful ring a couple of months ago and she couldn't contain her excitement. Crying and jumping up down and calling everyone she knew. It was great and she immediately started to push to book a date and go to wedding vendors.

I was more than happy to oblige because even though marriage is a scary thing to me I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Things the last 2 months have been in full motion with us booking her dream wedding ( even though it was so much money) I wanted to give her what she wanted.

 

My mother and her parents were extremely pushy in a loving way and I could see that wearing on her. She has communication problems and slight depression and she keeps everything inside until it blows up.. I still thought things were great because the week she broke up with me she got her wedding dress and we booked a DJ . I had no sigs that anything was wrong and we even talked about baby names 2 days prior to her dumping me.

The day it happened she told me she loved me and missed me through text and everything was great. We lived together for 3 years and I came into our bedroom and she had a sad look on her face and naturally I asked what was wrong. She just blurted out " im not happy" So of course I said why? and she said she was in love with the idea of getting married and loved me but wasn't sure if she was in love with me.

 

This after telling me everyday how much she loved me and wanted to marry me. I was stunned and immediately broke into the ill do anything to make this work mode and sat her down and she wouldn't communicate with me whatsoever. We lived together and the next couple of days were awful.

Finally after 4 days I told her I loved her and would never kick her out but it hurt to much to see her everyday. She couldn't afford our place and I offered to leave to not to inconvenience her and she said she would leave I asked her if it was someone else and she swore up and down that she wasn't and just needed to be alone. That was the most I got out of her besides a text that said " I know you are a great man and I know im messing up this relationship I need help" At that time I thought she was at least human and I could deal with it.

 

On easter I asked if she wanted me to come and she said of course my family loves you. So I went and was outside with her brother and came in to use the bathroom and her 2 sisters and mother were missing with her. Later on I came in and politely pulled her to the side and asked if she told anyone and she said she did. I was now stuck in a house where everyone knew she didn't want to be with me and this is the same family who were at our engagement party 2 weeks prior.

I did the mature thing and kissed everyone goodbye and said happy easter and took the walk of shame and left the house. The next 4 days before she left were awful I became a shell of myself and not the fun guy she fell in love with. I was an emotional wreck in front of her even prompting her to say I was too intense. Finally the Friday before she said she was leaving on Saturday came around and I said can you please come home right after work and hand me the ring back and I want to say bye to my dogs and cat. She said she boarded them and she would come over. I was a wreck.

 

I knew if she was leaving I didn't even have the chance to say bye to my animals ( I work 13 hours a day and unfortunately its in there best interest to be with her) but damn that was cold. She came over and once again I tried everything to get her back to no avail. I asked for the ring and she bit her lip and was almost shaking when giving it back. I old her to look at it and she said she couldn't.

She walked past me and flipped our wedding contract over and said she couldn't look at it either. Before she left I told he that this is her home and she doesn't have to leave and told her that if I come home after work and your stuff is gone then good luck to you and I love you, but if not I know you at least want to try. I thought for certain her moving her things would get to her and she would at least think.

 

This is where the coldness reached an entire new level. I came home from work and the whole house was gutted. None of my stuff was touched but she took everything from candles to dishes. I was stunned and all of our pictures were gone and garbage bags were left at the curb of our house.

My natural inclination was to obviously look and sure enough our wedding book, my proposal card and all of our notes and pictures were thrown in the trash. I maintained a great level of maturity during the whole process and never cursed, yelled or got angry at her. I couldn't believe this was happening. I am now stuck in a 3 bedroom apartment by myself ( incidentally its in her town where I know nobody but her friends and family) I was in complete shock and never felt so disrespected in my life.

 

I was clearly the loser in this situation and jesus take the pictures down the street and dispose of them. Don't just throw them on our curb. I spent everyday of 4 years talking and texting her 50 times a day and I said you know what let me give her the space she wants and didn't contact her for a week.

I thought for sure she would realize what a terrible thing she did at least and reach out to me. I got no good luck, no have a good life nothing. Stuck in a house with memories and no animals to greet me when I come home. After a week I just couldn't take it anymore and asked for the keys back ( yes she has them for some reason ) and she said she would drop them off but made a excuse when the time came.

 

Finally I let loose with a everything I was feeling text and it was mature and very to the point. it was also about 5 pages long in a text ( I wanted to say it face to face to her but I thought I wouldn't get a chance) she responded the next morning that " yes we have the same likes and same sense of humor but I didn't think we had much more than that) So I responded with the " so you are saying you aren't attracted to me? ( news to me because everyday up until she broke it off she said how good looking I was) She ignored it and said im a great man but she couldn't marry me because she was just not happy.

 

I wasn't perfect I got angry at times with stress but I never hurt her or mentally abused her. She also said I was suffocating when we broke up but **** we lived together where was I supposed to go? TO MAKE A LONG STORY LONGER I don't know where she lives or where our animals are nd she hasn't talked to me after I left her the text 5 days ago to please mail the keys or drop them off.

Since we broke up 3 weeks ago she hasn't contacted me first once and after everyday being with someone im dumbfounded as to how she just flipped like that. Was it marriage pressure? She pushed all the time for it and maybe she didn't want to go through the wedding planning hassle and looked at me in a very real light . Her mom and sister reached out to me to tell me how sick they are over this and I said thank you for always being great to me. I haven't reached out to anyone in her life because that wont change a thing. but man am I a mess as you can tell. I got nothing emotion wise from her and not even why she was unhappy.

 

I know most of you will say this has been in her mind for awhile.. and im ok with the her not loving me etc.. the thing that is killing me is the everyday act that she put up.

She got a wedding dress 3 days prior for goodness sake nd she said she loved me and missed me the same day it happened. There were no warning signs whatsoever we had a great time the night before out to eat. Can anyone tell me what happened and what to do next ? I obviously love her and I know after the show she put on I couldn't take her back ( easier said than done) I am stuck thinking the last 4 years was a joke and I have sworn now not to contact her and it doesn't seem to bother her I guess because she isn't either.

 

I want a little human touch and to know that she is at least the same girl I fell in love with. I mean just show me something. I am in the dark as to what happened and when it happened but is she even thinking about me? My friends tell me this is her way of dealing with it and since she is a sucky communicator that she would rather just avoid it and push it to the back of her mind.

I want to know why she ran and I don't think im ever going to get any answers. Anyone ever experience this or have any advice? Why go though the motions of saying you love someone and booking a wedding hall, dj, etc if you feel like this deep down inside?

 

I know I shouldn't contact her and wont but damn she cant even return the keys and she deleted half of my friends from facebook but not the other half and our pictures are still up on her page. Wtf? I would like anyones perspective on what she is thinking and why ? Not being loved is one thing but this is just cruel no? Thank you all for suffering as much as me reading through this.

 

I see and feel your experiences. I had been there myself, though not close to marriage. She left me for another man.

 

What I had found is that, when I lost my frame and became a nice puppy guy was when she lost interest in me.

 

Women have an interesting trait. They would stay with their partner, even if they dislike them or lost the love, until they found a passive excuse to leave you. Women are child bearers and they would stick with you even when they don't love you to raise their kids old enough to leave the nest. In her case, she was staying with you because she was clingy and needy and too insecure to tell you the truth. When I heard you guys don't fight that much during the 4 years of relationship, that to me SPELLS BIG TROUBLE especially when you work long hours and stuff. Look at all the successful relationships -- there are always disagreements between two people because you are dealing with 2 unique individuals with 2 unique brains and ideas! To have no issues meant that someone in the relationship is sucking up to the pain, which is her. It's either you were way too nice to her or you were no longer a challenge to her. When you become less of a challenge to these women and because of their insecurity, clinginess and neediness, they look elsewhere for a guy that is a challenge to her and try to have the cake and eat it too. A guy who is authentic and always to a point of being a jerk! To a nice guy view point, a guy who is being authentic and being to the point is considered a JERK. To her, a clingy and needy woman, this JERK who is aloof and has a don't care attitude is an attractive man. They are even willing to have babies with them. And you do know why I was SO SURE?!? That's because I had the experiences and the privileges of almost impregnating a woman who has a boyfriend like you!! But I refused any more creampies inside her because I was sensing her trapping me by going off B.C and then a few months later, she left me and found another jerk.

 

When you offered to marry her, bang that was her ticket to leave you. She was acting out like Elizabeth Taylor of Oscar proportion to give you an idea that it was not your fault that she left you. But you see, being an insecure girl like her, she couldn't say it right in your face. She has to find opportunities to dump you cold. That is mean, but you should be thankful that you did not join the statistics of all the other divorced men out there like many of my friends who married such women like that. One of my friends had to resort to stealing from my former employer to fund her lifestyle and kids and in the end, she got the house and he's left destitute!

 

When I was a nice guy, women I dated would turn hot and cold and I could not understand why. I was a people pleaser and I always tried to be nice to everyone. After therapy and befriending Alpha guys who are authentic and speak their minds (very difficult to adjust being friends with jerks), then I become like them and attracting and keeping girls was not a problem for me now. In fact, it is me this time dumping them. Dumping girls that are too nice and people pleasers who seemed to have a fake persona.

 

The reason your ex-girlfriend dumped you for another man and got pregnant was because, she never loved who you are and how nice and great you are as a father because your attitude is too nice and least authentic.

 

In your quest to heal, find in yourself if you are a people pleaser and why you do that? Why are you afraid being authentic? Are you being afraid of being judged by others that you are no longer nice.

 

Jerks are only judged bad by nice guys who are people pleasers because, they don't understand they can't please 7 billion people on earth to like them.

 

The lesson here is that when you start dating again, recognize the traits of these women. Otherwise, you'll going to be stuck with another one for a few years only to end up cold. For me, once I recognize these traits, I'll then enjoy the sex and then find the opportunity to leave cold on her feet. So for the ladies, now you know perhaps why some of your men leave you cold without notice. Once they recognize certain clingy and needy traits of yours, then they'll be out looking. It's a quick draw Mcgraw standoff -- it's who will pull the dumping move.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited November 1, 2013 by happydate

[Tree_Salmon]

Man, listen. I was with a girl for 7 years and she pulled the same crap.

I found out she was cheating and a massive liar/slut.

 

I left and went NC. She kept coming back time and time again...still to this day (almost 2 years later).

 

If you want revenge then trust me you will have it until you no longer care.

 

My ex has now been in 2 failed relationships since i left and is on heavy anti-psychotics and hates her life.

 

You don't have to do anything. They will destroy themselves. You just move on and improve.

 

My life is way better now than it ever was with her. Concentrate on yourself. Believe me, i thought all the stuff you're thinking right now. I hated everything for a while but I stuck in there and didn't give her the benefit of destroying me.

 

I never thought it would happen, but I don't care what goes on in her life anymore. Coincidentally shes in another horrible relationship. How do i know? she drunk calls and leaves me voice-mail telling me. You may not get such straightforward satisfaction but it doesn't matter. I get nothing out of hearing how miserable she is. I almost wish it helped improve my life somehow, but it doesn't. I simply don't care anymore.

 

You need to get there.