4 years down the drain

[Chi townD]

So is everybody in consensus that the texts from last night were nothing more than her easing her guilt?

 

 

YES!!!! So, stop texting her!!! You're just easing her guilt! Nothing more!

 

She doesn't want to get back with you. She doesn't want to be with you. So, why respond to a person that wants nothing to do with you?

 

So, box up her crap and get it to her moms. Start making changes around the house. Put new paint on the walls and move the furniture around. AND CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!! Start making the place a TOTALLY new place so things don't remind you of her. Make it yours!

 

And NC. Go completely dark! You responding to her texts is only setting you back and wondering about everything. Remember, she wanted you out of her life. So, you give her exactly that.

 

And I'm still convinced that there's another dude involved. And I don't care if an uninvolved friend told you she was single. This dude would be the biggest secret in her life. How would it look if she started bringing another dude around KNOWING that she was JUST engage? No way she's going to be the bad guy in this and for people to be mad at her and lose respect for her because of her decisions. So, she's putting a MASSIVE lid on this. And after a period of time has pasted and the dust settles a bit. She'll slowly start to introduce this guy into her friends and families lives as the guy that's just a friend and a shoulder to cry on during a very difficult period in her life and they "just" started to develop feelings for each other. So, this guy would be viewed as a friend that was just helping her out and NOT the reason why she kicked you to the curb. Believe me, I've seen this before.

 

But, not your problem anymore. Time to heal and move on. And you need to start doing that. DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYMORE TEXTS. Post here instead. You need people that are looking outside the box for you and can give you a different perspective on how to look at things.

[zendon73]

YES!!!! So, stop texting her!!! You're just easing her guilt! Nothing more!

 

She doesn't want to get back with you. She doesn't want to be with you. So, why respond to a person that wants nothing to do with you?

 

So, box up her crap and get it to her moms. Start making changes around the house. Put new paint on the walls and move the furniture around. AND CHANGE THE LOCKS!!!! Start making the place a TOTALLY new place so things don't remind you of her. Make it yours!

 

And NC. Go completely dark! You responding to her texts is only setting you back and wondering about everything. Remember, she wanted you out of her life. So, you give her exactly that.

 

And I'm still convinced that there's another dude involved. And I don't care if an uninvolved friend told you she was single. This dude would be the biggest secret in her life. How would it look if she started bringing another dude around KNOWING that she was JUST engage? No way she's going to be the bad guy in this and for people to be mad at her and lose respect for her because of her decisions. So, she's putting a MASSIVE lid on this. And after a period of time has pasted and the dust settles a bit. She'll slowly start to introduce this guy into her friends and families lives as the guy that's just a friend and a shoulder to cry on during a very difficult period in her life and they "just" started to develop feelings for each other. So, this guy would be viewed as a friend that was just helping her out and NOT the reason why she kicked you to the curb. Believe me, I've seen this before.

 

But, not your problem anymore. Time to heal and move on. And you need to start doing that. DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYMORE TEXTS. Post here instead. You need people that are looking outside the box for you and can give you a different perspective on how to look at things.

 

For the record this post helped me a lot. I boxed up all of her things sent it to her moms with nothing sentimental and I have to go no contact now.

 

Her friend didn't tell me she was single. She told someone who her friend does not think I know that she was single.. but oh well.

 

She text me like I wanted to have idle chatter with her... NO THANKS. New guy or not that really isn't my problem or business . I can tell from the no text the next day that was her trying to cleanse herself. She knows she did an awful thing and she will realize it. but once again not my problem.

 

Thank you again

[zendon73]

hey all.. having a really bad day and even though I got the " I wasn't happy" excuse after 4 years and a engagement im still clueless as to how and when this happened.

 

Should I ask to talk? I think I deserve something and even though im getting the cold shoulder I need to clear my head. Thoughts??

[bluecrabroll]

My mind tells me to keep doing what you are doing and things will reveal themselves and let her come to you. My gut tells me that you deserve to know why... but I doubt you will ever get the answer you want or anticipate if you back them into a corner and force them to talk. Be strong.

[zendon73]

My mind tells me to keep doing what you are doing and things will reveal themselves and let her come to you. My gut tells me that you deserve to know why... but I doubt you will ever get the answer you want or anticipate if you back them into a corner and force them to talk. Be strong.

 

unfortunately I cracked... Sunday is the day I have to officially cancel the wedding date and get the deposit back. I text here that and extended an offer to meet me before I do and got zip in return. I should have listened to everyone and not done a thing.

 

It doesn't help my case that the day before I psycho texted her and she told me that she was walking on egg shells around me and that she will talk when she is ready . WTF now I have to wait til she is ready? I highly suspect she is seeing someone else and there is nothing I can do. She seriously wants nothing to do with me after 4 years and being engage just last month.

 

Now that I offered and got nothing in return it's time to let go. Thank you to all who have told me these things from the start.. but honestly me texting her " what you cant answer me will get me nowhere.

 

It is going to kill me but I have already been the most desperate guy on the planet and this is the only way to get my dignity back. I wish I didn't go off on her the day before even going so far as to say I know you are with someone... I regret it but I seriously have to view this as she is not my problem anymore. I offered to go to her job to meet here to get the keys back to my apartment and she said she mailed them.. nothing in the mail so she is just avoiding me at all costs.. time to do the same.

[zendon73]

last question for anyone who can help...( I hope)

 

I have sworn to go no contact after I text her today and got no response.. last we talked she blamed this on me saying I put her on eggshells and didn't trust her( completely not true I asked her to marry me)

 

I am so enraged that she did this horrible thing to me and now has the nerve to put this back on me.

 

Do I just leave it alone and go NC or say screw it and just air myself out by telling her how freaking cruel she has been? Probably wont make a bit of difference to her.. but my last text ever to her is going to be a sappy come meet me for dinner before I cancel our wedding plans?

 

Tell me to leave it alone but I kinda want to tell her at this point what a crappy person she is..

[OwlSoul]

More you swear yourself not to eat, bigger is the probability to grab a double burger. Same thing with NC. When you try to go NC, force yourself and etc., more obsessed you'll feel.

[SalientPoint]

last question for anyone who can help...( I hope)

 

I have sworn to go no contact after I text her today and got no response.. last we talked she blamed this on me saying I put her on eggshells and didn't trust her( completely not true I asked her to marry me)

 

I am so enraged that she did this horrible thing to me and now has the nerve to put this back on me.

 

Do I just leave it alone and go NC or say screw it and just air myself out by telling her how freaking cruel she has been? Probably wont make a bit of difference to her.. but my last text ever to her is going to be a sappy come meet me for dinner before I cancel our wedding plans?

 

Tell me to leave it alone but I kinda want to tell her at this point what a crappy person she is..

 

Man, what happened to you is absolutely awful, and I can't begin to imagine how you must feel, even though I feel like I kind of can cause I'm on here after a tough break up, but nevertheless, you know what you need to do without our validation, even though I know it's easier said than done. This girl is super cold, and treated you awfully in the manner of which she broke up with you, and you need to just NC the hell out of her. Again, I know this is easier said than done, but she's told you multiple times that she's not going to play your game or give you any answers. If you want to just go off on her and cuss her out, that's certainly your right given the situation, but then you will have pretty much lost all that you've worked up to at this point, which btw, is extremely impressive. All the respect and admiration of her family will be gone, and you will have turned into psycho ex retroactively, which again, is certainly and unequiovacably your right, but you were miles ahead of the game when you were heading into NC territory. Just know this girl may never give you the closure you seek, but she definitely won't if you turn into angry ex. That being said, know that NC certainly isn't to placate her, but to help you regain your power, control, and speed the healing process along, the aforementioned two being aids to accomplish the latter ultimate goal.

Edited May 9, 2013 by SalientPoint

[TroyNJ]

I'm sorry your going through this....I would bet the farm she has someone else...Most women have a plan in place before they bolt, the way she's acted also indicates another man. I went through this expcept mine was after 15 years of marriage, that was 3 years ago and it still stings at times. Hang in bro!

[zendon73]

day 5 NC and it feels a lot better than trying to make something out of nothing.

 

I got a email this morning from her about a financial issue we shared but is her responsibility and it said " I'm not sure what this means.. what am I supposed to do? " I will not reply as it not my responsibility and she never text me back after I extended an offer to meet her and I am supposed to answer this for her? She told me she also mailed the keys back when I told her I would come to her job to get them.. guess what?? NOTHING

 

No chance.. no texting her mom happy mothers day that's it!

 

Thank you to all who have responded on here and once I took it to the limit and extended myself with a offer to meet because I am cancelling wedding date Sunday and got no response.. I decided that I just can't allow my pride and self respect to get dragged down any further.

 

Time to salvage whatever dignity that I have left...

 

Thank you again everyone

[BC1980]

I am so sorry for your situation. It is really puzzling. She is acting out so irrationally that I wonder is she is bipolar or has some other mental illness. Like others have said, she could be seeing someone else. Something drastic had to take place for her to act like this, or she really does have some mental issues.

 

I get what you mean about putting up the everyday front of being happy. My ex broke up with me after 3 yrs (living together for nearly a year). He bought me a ring. He was even talking about getting married this summer and where we should go on our honeymoon. I mean, he was pushing it more than me. Then, I get home from work one night, and he says he loves me but there are some personality issues that he doesn't think he can live with. How does it take you 3 yrs. to figure that out? How do you flip a switch like that after always saying how happy you were, ect.

 

What I'm saying is that I get what you mean about someone just changing overnight. It hurts that I have accepted some parts of his personality that are irritating, but he is now coming up with incidents from that past that I had no idea he was upset about. It's just mind blowing to me when I think about it. It just goes to show that you cannot trust people, and that has been a sad realization for me throughout this entire process. Your situation is worse than mine. I mean, buying a wedding dress two days before? Trashing all of your pictures that quickly? Something is up that you don't know about. Her behavior changed too drastically.

 

I am so sorry, and I can only say that I hope it gets better. I have found that cutting off all ties has helped me heal. It's brutal at first, but it is what has to be done. My ex wants to maintain a friendship, but it's just too painful in the long run.

[BC1980]

I also get what you mean about wasting years of your life. I think, I have spent 3 yrs. with this man. We had dreams and goals together. Now, I just moved back in with my parents (hey, at least I had a place to go). I feel like he just wasted 3 yrs. of my life and left me with nothing. I just had to leave one day. We put money into so much stuff together, and it's just gone now. The only consolation is knowing that he has to live with memories of me all around him. At least I don't have much of anything that reminds me directly of him.

 

But it's just damn awful when I think of the past 3 yrs. Just the absolute waste of time, energy, and money too. I have found that I really have to put any thoughts of him out of my head because it just makes me so angry at this point. I can't even imagine how it must feel to be with someone for decades and then break up or divorce.

[zendon73]

I also get what you mean about wasting years of your life. I think, I have spent 3 yrs. with this man. We had dreams and goals together. Now, I just moved back in with my parents (hey, at least I had a place to go). I feel like he just wasted 3 yrs. of my life and left me with nothing. I just had to leave one day. We put money into so much stuff together, and it's just gone now. The only consolation is knowing that he has to live with memories of me all around him. At least I don't have much of anything that reminds me directly of him.

 

But it's just damn awful when I think of the past 3 yrs. Just the absolute waste of time, energy, and money too. I have found that I really have to put any thoughts of him out of my head because it just makes me so angry at this point. I can't even imagine how it must feel to be with someone for decades and then break up or divorce.

 

Well I cracked. A mutual friend told me she was hanging out with someone at her job and you were all right. This guy is 45 years old and looks like a lizard. In any case I text her to confront her and she made me feel like I was crazy lying and saying I have no proof until I persisted more and she finally admitted it.

 

This guy is a weasel and if I could break his neck I would. But I'm better than that but in any case all my hard no contact work is for nothing as I went on a texting rampage. Nothing derogatory towards her but I just kept saying are u nuts that guy is a goblin and it got to the point where she threatened the dreaded restraining order even though after reading my story you all probably agree she deserves it.

 

In any case I just couldn't help myself but when she said that to me I knew it was time to stop. I wasn't doing anything wrong but just venting my feelings to someone who can't deal with anything.

 

No contact again as I texted her today that I just can't believe it and I would like to regain some class and maturity. I deleted her from my phone and I would like to know if by never contacting her again I will regain my self respect.

[BC1980]

I am so sorry. She sounds just cold, but it's hard to admit that a person you love(d) can do that to you. What she did is wrong, and she should feel bad. I don't know if she does. I can't say I'm surprised simply because of her actions after the breakup like throwing away all memories, ect. That is usually something the dumpee would do, not necessarily the dumper. I think she was trying to possibly lessen some guilt she felt by erasing your time together.

 

Wow, I am just really sorry. Right now, you probably feel like me. I thought my life was all planned out, and, one day, I'm just told I need to leave. I'm no longer needed in this picture. It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm picking up the pieces and trying to make a new life for myself. There is some peace and power in that, but it's not instant.

[BC1980]

I considered my ex might have been cheating on me too because his behavior was so erratic and changed so quickly. The hot and cold. So far, I don't think he did, but it did make me think.

[zendon73]

day 3 of the rest of my life with NC with the ex. I wrote here a email on Tuesday clearing my conscience of how I have been acting for myself and got no response.

 

I could quite possibly be dealing with the coldest girl on earth and to make matters worse after being only engaged a month ago I had to attend a wedding last night that we were both invited to together.

 

of course she didn't go but she was friends with all of these people there and I went to the wedding with my chin up high trying not to project a outward unhappy aura at such a happy occasion.

 

It wasn't easy but I was asked probably 10 times by different people what happened and I politely said this isn't the time or the place for this discussion. I was also told by at least 5 girls how bad they want to kill my ex and how awful of a thing she was doing ( not that I need validation)

 

She is seeing someone else who is much older and is so terrible looking that the superficial side of me is laughing inside and out but then the sting of being with someone for 4 years and them being with someone else no matter who right away immediately explains the distance and quite frankly it's disappointing and stings.

 

I do know that she is gone now and have deleted her number and pictures from my phone and no matter what even though im still in this apartment we shared for 3 years and I live in the same town as her family and friends I do realize that no contact is the only way to go. This is just still so shocking and amazing to me but I have to let go.

[BC1980]

Your situation is brutal, and no one should have to go through it. You are still in shock, and I'm sure it doesn't seem real. I am so sorry, but I think it does help to know that there are people out there going through these things as well.

 

I don't think it will be real for awhile. I know I have felt that way. Like, surely this isn't reality. It might help to think of it this way. At least she gave you a reason to really dislike her (I won't say hate). I think it's almost harder when your ex wants to be friends and is still saying they love you but just can't be with you.

[moneyneversleeps]

Your story made me truly sad.

I can relate because i also had a woman that came out of a relationship of 4 years that absolutely adored me to death. We got in a fight one week before about what we were going to name our children and where we were going to get married.. she then broke up with me saying we will never get back together again.

 

Here are the facts that i finally came to terms with:

everything was not perfect. Women can not just switch on and off. There were underlying issues, and because she is scared of confrontation she did not tell you what was wrong. she expected you to change and fix it. In her mind, you had years of second chances and failed.

Maybe you were controlling, condescending? Yelled too much? Maybe you worked to many long hours and didn't give her attention? Maybe the sex wasn't that passionate?

Fact of the matter is, she will sleep with another person to try and get over you. And he will be half the man you are - if that. And you will feel that she has degraded herself, the she was your queen and deserved more.

For me, i mulled over it (over time) and have finally pinpointed what it was for my own healing. I suggest you do the same and come to terms. and then, move on. I regret my actions everyday.

I regret being condescending, selfish and controlling. But its too late now.

Change is like a holiday. So change.

 

As for me i would give anything to have her back.

NC - 18 days. Broken up 3 months.

It still hasn't gotten better. But i have gotten better as a person. I guess that is a plus.

[zendon73]

Your story made me truly sad.

I can relate because i also had a woman that came out of a relationship of 4 years that absolutely adored me to death. We got in a fight one week before about what we were going to name our children and where we were going to get married.. she then broke up with me saying we will never get back together again.

 

Here are the facts that i finally came to terms with:

everything was not perfect. Women can not just switch on and off. There were underlying issues, and because she is scared of confrontation she did not tell you what was wrong. she expected you to change and fix it. In her mind, you had years of second chances and failed.

Maybe you were controlling, condescending? Yelled too much? Maybe you worked to many long hours and didn't give her attention? Maybe the sex wasn't that passionate?

Fact of the matter is, she will sleep with another person to try and get over you. And he will be half the man you are - if that. And you will feel that she has degraded herself, the she was your queen and deserved more.

For me, i mulled over it (over time) and have finally pinpointed what it was for my own healing. I suggest you do the same and come to terms. and then, move on. I regret my actions everyday.

I regret being condescending, selfish and controlling. But its too late now.

Change is like a holiday. So change.

 

As for me i would give anything to have her back.

NC - 18 days. Broken up 3 months.

It still hasn't gotten better. But i have gotten better as a person. I guess that is a plus.

 

Thank you for the kind words and what you are saying might be true in my case.. however with that being said even though it might have been in my ex's mind for awhile... I still never got a sit down a " hey this bothers me" from her. it was just one day gone and like I have said countless times I could have handled this better if I didn't get the I love you everyday or even if she stopped the wedding planning etc.. I mean she got a dress 3 days before for goodness sake. That's just sick.

 

I might have been guilty of some of the things you mentioned but honestly im old enough to know that's not what love is all about. Nobody is perfect and if someone one truly loves you they will do so warts and all. You shouldn't beat yourself up over the things you did and you didn't do because it just won't change the bottom line.

 

I am slowly learning that yes I was wronged and yes I dragged out the process longer by contacting her repeatedly after it happened.. but I would fooling myself to regret it and think if I would have stayed silent that she would have came back to me.. Once again the bottom line is she just didn't love me enough to go through with it and the game of no contact/ contact wouldn't have changed a damn thing .

[zendon73]

Still on the NC thing and it feels better.. I am still not great but I suppose it's better than begging and pleading.

 

To the people who have read my story and others who have experienced things of this nature... Am I crazy to think this girl could be this heartless and cold?

 

I mean it only adds fuel to my fire and crushes my ego to think any human being is capable of leaving an engagement like she did and going completely dark on me.

 

Is this normal activity and what makes a girl say they love you the same day as breaking up and then just disappearing.. I know the obvious answer is she didn't love me.. but with that being said the acting job, the booking the vendors, the getting the wedding dress.. and then poof goodbye engagement, goodbye dogs.. I literally got nothing.

 

Is she embarrassed, doesn't want to deal with it. or just plain old just doesn't give a crap?

[katie157]

I'll keep you in my thoughts. A broken heart is the worst pain. Just know that she'll regret it and possibly even come crawling back one day. By that time, you'll be happy with someone else and think of her as nothing but a mistake.

[BC1980]

She probably can't face you knowing what she did, or she really just is that cold. I think that by throwing away your pictures, she was trying to somehow deny your relationship to make herself feel less guilty. That was the part that really made me think she was cheating or something else drastic had to happen.

 

You will probably never know the real reason, and she may not either. There really is no closure. You can analyze it to death, and the reality won't change. I have realized that, and I stopped analyzing my situation. It only leads me to a depressed and lonely place. In the end, my reality is the same as before. Don't even think about the good or bad times. It's just a road to destruction.

 

I guess what I'm saying is this: You are never going to get an answer that is good enough, and it will probably bring up more questions. I've learned that the hard way. It just. . . . sucks. You only have control over living your life now.

 

This weekend, I did something very stupid and went to get the last of my things from my ex's house. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I should have sent my sister, as she had offered. Of course, I ended up crying because the memories of being there were too painful. He got upset, I got upset, I told him how I was hurt. And what changed in the end? Nothing. I drove home, and I came back to the same reality. What was the point of crying? The outcome is the same; I didn't need to put myself through torture to get there.

 

I would just stop even worrying about the reasons.

Edited May 20, 2013 by BC1980

[zendon73]

She probably can't face you knowing what she did, or she really just is that cold. I think that by throwing away your pictures, she was trying to somehow deny your relationship to make herself feel less guilty. That was the part that really made me think she was cheating or something else drastic had to happen.

 

You will probably never know the real reason, and she may not either. There really is no closure. You can analyze it to death, and the reality won't change. I have realized that, and I stopped analyzing my situation. It only leads me to a depressed and lonely place. In the end, my reality is the same as before. Don't even think about the good or bad times. It's just a road to destruction.

 

I guess what I'm saying is this: You are never going to get an answer that is good enough, and it will probably bring up more questions. I've learned that the hard way. It just. . . . sucks. You only have control over living your life now.

 

Thank you for the response and I totally agree with what you are saying.

 

I guess what it boils down to is getting blindsided like this is just so crazy and I am just so disappointed that a girl who is 33 years old and someone up until the day she left me was honestly someone I wanted to marry.

 

I swear im not blind I would have saw the signs but it's just so crazy that she could turn out this way. You want to think better of people being decent human beings... and then there is my ex lol

[KatZee]

My ex did the same s.hit to me. Granted we weren't engaged, but he had spoke of it, and moving in together, and all this crap about being in it for the "long haul."

 

He met a chick at his new job and it was like the 3 years we spent together meant nothing. He went from, "you're my best friend, I love you so much" sobbing, to "lose my number, have a nice life!"

 

I'm like... are you kidding me?

 

I honestly feel like the people that do these things, were never truly IN LOVE to begin with. You can't just switch feelings like that so abruptly and so coldly and cruelly.

 

I don't believe my ex truly ever loved me. I think I was a crutch for him. I think he was lonely, scared to be alone, insecure, and he just stayed with me. He faked the entire relationship. When he thought he found something better, he just left me and never looked back. It's what he does.

 

I think that's what your ex did, the fact that she said she loved the feeling of being engaged and wanting to be married, but was more in love with the idea of it, not necessarily in love with YOU. That's why it was so easy for her to be like, "Oh I met someone who makes me feel the way you never made me feel, bye!"

 

And now she's with him.

 

These people are sick. They're users. They're self absorbed, they're selfish. They don't care about anyone or anything. All they care about is themselves, and getting what they want or need out of other people. If you no longer serve a purpose for her, you're gone.

 

It's scary to know these people are out there, and honestly the trust I have in relationships is kind of shattered, because my ex put on a damn good show.

[BC1980]

I agree. If you can flip a switch that suddenly, it's really suspect. It's really sick and scary the show that people can put up and then change.