A story

[spock and the hobbit]

Hi everyone!

 

It was nice to happen upon this site today, as I suppose I would really like to get some input, or at least a microphone for the way I've been feeling.

 

Lets start my story with the fact that I LOVE MEN. Men are great! There are so many great men! All shapes and sizes and personalities of sexy, sweet inspiring, cute, beautiful men! I am a person who is generally prone to crushes, often multiple crushes at a time. That makes me feel like a terrible person to date, the standard is that I should only have eyes for one, and if not that, I should only have emotional interest in one person.

I have never had interest in cheating, I think that is evil, and I have never done that, and I would never do that to someone I care for. (Or even someone I didn't care for.)

I have started to accept that as part of my nature, crushes do not have to mean anything, accept that I like people, and I want to know people that I like, while in a relationship, a crush is not something to expend energy thinking about. It is normal and human.

Having a crush, and being in a relationship are worlds apart anyway.

 

I have dated, and a few times, avoided dating like cancer, sometimes for a few years, even. Men like me as well, so it seems. If I leave the house, I am bound to find a guy who makes it clear he likes me within a few weeks time at the most. I don't think it is because I am attractive, because I am not really anything special. I'm a weirdo, but I think guys like me because I take an interest in them and their lives, and treat them kindly, even if I do not have any kind of crush or intention, I just enjoy people and respond to them in an inquisitive and friendly manner.

 

As I get older, I only seem to want to date less and less. I don't want to be alone, actually. I am opposed to marriage, but I wanted to find a long-term relationship, someone I could stay with, talk to about everything, who has a ton in common with me and loves conversation and connecting on deeper levels, someone who values honesty above politeness.

 

I have found myself a good partner, my current boyfriend. He says he wants a similar future (for a weirdo such as myself that is hard to find,) he also opposes marriage, but seems committed.

We broke up in December, and stayed apart for a little over a month and a half, because he was treating me very poorly, refusing to discuss things with me, going missing for days, or a week, even when we had planned to hang out, a few times to hang out with a female friend of his who he used to like. But he would get mad at me for wanting to discuss things. He ignored me and took me for granted, so despite our potential, I dumped him. I decided that I wanted to stay single for a long time, after the heartbreak of how he pushed me aside, and I just missed my independence and was very happy to have that back, I had grown sick of letting him hurt me by ignoring me, and he no longer had that power over me. I was relieved to be out of that relationship. (It had been wonderful in the beginning!)

I planned on staying single, pursuing my interests, and working on myself.

 

About a week and a half after the break-up, he started pestering me, and then freaking out, because I wouldn't take him back.

He called me everyday, begged me to hang out or talk to him, he would never leave me alone, suddenly. If I ignored his calls, it did nothing, he just would keep trying, sometimes five or six times a day, and of course the next day if he couldn't get me.

I wanted him to leave me alone, and I wanted to move on, but the more I told him this, the more upset he became. He was disappointed in himself, and said sorry an annoying billion times.

He finally kept wanting to discuss things, but for me, it was over, I didn't want to discuss a relationship that I considered dead. But I am not cold-hearted, (which is why I couldn't ignore his calls for long, it hurt me to think I might hurt him the way he hurt me when we dated.) I would indulge him in discussing the reason for the demise and death of our relationship, and why I just had no interest in giving it a second chance.

No matter how many times I told him, he wouldn't accept it, and kept trying to win me back, he would take any attention I'd give him.

I was happy by myself, and that's what I wanted.

 

He stopped freaking out, finally, when I compromised not to stop speaking with him. Of course he tried to win me over, still.

My feelings for him came back, though, I had shut them out, I still didn't want to try again. But what happened was through the time he spent with me when we didn't talk about the breakup, I started to have feelings for him again, it seemed he had good intentions, and his sweetness and understanding nature drew me back in, followed by how much we have in common, and our similar senses of humor.

Eventually, reluctantly, I gave it another chance.

And since then, things have been great, much better than the first time.

 

However, there are some things that worry me. We had a few arguments that changed the relationship for me, he mocked me for helping him in one of those, and said I was a bitch because I had been a bit passive aggressive. He stayed mad for a long time, even when I tried to peaceably and honestly discuss it, and ruined the plans we had, and I skipped dinner that day to try and restore peace to our relationship.

Since then, I have little interest in doing things for him. I am a giving and considerate girlfriend, and I am always looking out for his wants, needs and interests, but for what? He doesn't notice, and doesn't care, and probably doesn't even want me to. I did things for him all the time, because I love making him happy, but it seems I've given up for the time being, in most ways. I don't care as much about pleasing him or going out of my way for him. I am tired of catering to him.

I have just tired of trying to help him! I was teaching him to drive, so he could pass his drivers test. (He is 22, I am 24.) I don't think I was being intrusive about it, he WANTED the help, he WANTS his license, but when he was frustrated he mocked me for coming over so he could practice so often. Now I won't unless he asks. Because, unfortunately, unlike him, I meant what I said, I feel there is no point to helping people in that manner, they do not want it.

Today was the deadline for him to take his test without having to get his temps again, I am pretty sure that if I called and asked about his day, that is something that has fallen by the wayside. I don't fault him for it, because I understand how it is... But it makes me feel like he is younger than me... In the sense that, perhaps we are in different places as people lately.

 

Also, on my birthday, he was working, so I went to an event by myself, and it was AWESOME. Now I have renewed interest in being alone, and doing things by myself like I used to.

Later in the day, on my birthday, we hung out, and i was having a magical day that I wanted to share the rest of with him, but he was distracted and frustrated, and kind of a bummer. We had fun hanging out with his friends and then with my grandparents, but when we were alone, he just wanted to call it a night, and i wanted just to cuddle for even ten minutes, that's all I asked for on my birthday, but he just wanted to call it a night and made me feel intrusive for suggesting it, like i was getting in his way... when i make compromises for him ALL THE TIME, and he doesn't notice!

So I've tried to figure out if he does also, in his own way, to very little avail...

Then he has ignored me a lot when I go out of my way to hang out with him, he leaves and does chores and smokes or makes food, when he could have done that before we were going to hang out... It makes me feel like he doesn't consider my time valuable because I try to be available to him when I can be. It makes me feel like he doesn't care if we talk or hang out, or like he doesn't want me there... What was highly frustrating, was when I brought this up later, he said he had wanted time to himself, but HE ASKED ME TO HANG OUT. He said he thought it'd hurt my feelings if he didn't... But he should be able to be honest rather than insultingly polite to me...

 

This has resulted in me feeling disconnected from him. I try to reconnect, but it's not getting better. We are connected when we have sex, but otherwise, I want to talk to him, but it just doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Before the arguments, we were like best friends, we could talk deep and laugh hard, it was lovely.

The other day, we went into the city, he had been saying he wanted to "go and do something" because we haven't for a while, but he was pensive and non-talkative, so I'd have had more fun alone.

He didn't seem to want to go, but he said he did, I mean, I don't want to waste my time and gas if it's not going to be any fun...

Sigh, I don't know what's going on.

It seems like he wants to be used to me, and I can't stand that. I want attention, I want to be talked to, and have conversations... I mean, what friends go to a coffee shop and sit there not speaking?

 

When I'm not with him, I feel kinda single. I love him, but I just want to feel connected.

I am doing all this stuff on my own, and growing and changing as a person...

and I don't know if relationships make any sense to me at all. I don't know if I want to be in one, lately.

 

We talked about moving in, but I suddenly feel like I'm not going to be ready for a commitment like that for years! I mean, this is exactly what I don't want! It would be awful to be trapped with someone I don't feel connected to AND share a bed with them!

I love my independence!

 

I suddenly feel like dating makes no sense. I also worry about how much I'm changing, even though he supports the changes I'm making.

 

I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want.