Internal struggle

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I'm in a place right now where I'm trying to figure out if the 'juice is worth the squeeze' with my A. I even had my mother tell me the other day how she is worried about me and asked "do you really see this going anywhere.." to which I replied with, "no, I guess not, but I love him." And, I do. Fog or not. I love this man. I would do just about anything for him. There's no denying it.

 

And last month, we saw each other (alone) once a week for about 4-5 weeks in a row, then life got in the way and it was 2 weeks in between, and then I saw him today and it was just so good to see him. But it is hugely about sex and I know it and I take part in it, because I feel like I get as much from him. We are connected in every sense of the word and the chemistry is undeniable.

 

I had considered moving in a few months but wasn't sure. He asked today if I was moving and I just said no, that it didnt feel like the right time and I wanted to wait a while longer. He's like "you wanted to wait to see how things with me and you were going to turn out." and I know he has a big ego, but really? I literally was like "no, not at all. I already know how things with us will turn out." and he was like "you're so sure? alright." almost like he was offended? But come on, it's been over a year and a half. He's never said he would leave and I'd never ask. Would I be with him if he did-- yes- I would love to give it a real shot, even though he's older. But, that's not real life. I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said "I've been trying to hide it, but if you left I'd be devastated." ..... but why? because you'd lose your side piece that is there everytime you need her? the girl who makes you feel young and wanted? ....

 

and i think about comments he'll make about him taking care of me and when we're older and how happy i make him. So?! What does that count for? It's kinda like that letter that GreySkyMorning? wrote about this relationship we build in our heads and when we really step back and look at it -- is it really any of that at all???

and his kids. god, his kids. but i can't think about that, because then everything else i've said becomes pointless.

 

i see him everyday at work so ending it abruptly makes it impossible. and I want to wait until I am ready, otherwise there is no point. NC wouldn't work, at least not right now. I just-- needed to vent. Reading here lately has helped. I've gotten more of my self-respect back in this A in the last few months and I felt myself 'clinging' to him a little today and had to pull back. I can't lose myself in him again. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out.

[Act Two]

I'm reading what you wrote, and I don't see that you are spending all that much time with him, which means that you might be pining for him because of the limited time you get and the anticipation. It all increases your romantic feelings, and I'm not trying to question how you feel, but just to challenge you to think that the feelings of love might be heightened because of the obstacles presented by an affair. Knowing this might make it easier to let go.

 

I think you are wasting your life with him. I don't mean that unkindly, but he has never said he would leave. If you move, will you be able to get far enough away so that you don't have to work with him?

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm in a place right now where I'm trying to figure out if the 'juice is worth the squeeze' with my A. I even had my mother tell me the other day how she is worried about me and asked "do you really see this going anywhere.." to which I replied with, "no, I guess not, but I love him." And, I do. Fog or not. I love this man. I would do just about anything for him. There's no denying it.

 

And last month, we saw each other (alone) once a week for about 4-5 weeks in a row, then life got in the way and it was 2 weeks in between, and then I saw him today and it was just so good to see him. But it is hugely about sex and I know it and I take part in it, because I feel like I get as much from him. We are connected in every sense of the word and the chemistry is undeniable.

 

I had considered moving in a few months but wasn't sure. He asked today if I was moving and I just said no, that it didnt feel like the right time and I wanted to wait a while longer. He's like "you wanted to wait to see how things with me and you were going to turn out." and I know he has a big ego, but really? I literally was like "no, not at all. I already know how things with us will turn out." and he was like "you're so sure? alright." almost like he was offended? But come on, it's been over a year and a half. He's never said he would leave and I'd never ask. Would I be with him if he did-- yes- I would love to give it a real shot, even though he's older. But, that's not real life. I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said "I've been trying to hide it, but if you left I'd be devastated." ..... but why? because you'd lose your side piece that is there everytime you need her? the girl who makes you feel young and wanted? ....

 

and i think about comments he'll make about him taking care of me and when we're older and how happy i make him. So?! What does that count for? It's kinda like that letter that GreySkyMorning? wrote about this relationship we build in our heads and when we really step back and look at it -- is it really any of that at all???

and his kids. god, his kids. but i can't think about that, because then everything else i've said becomes pointless.

 

i see him everyday at work so ending it abruptly makes it impossible. and I want to wait until I am ready, otherwise there is no point. NC wouldn't work, at least not right now. I just-- needed to vent. Reading here lately has helped. I've gotten more of my self-respect back in this A in the last few months and I felt myself 'clinging' to him a little today and had to pull back. I can't lose myself in him again. Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out.

 

Bolded - that was him telling you that when he dumps you (and he will), he will turn it around and make it your fault.

[ThatJustHappened]

So true. xMM used to say that "it was up to me."

 

Wonder if he regrets that now that I ended it before he could...

 

Probably. But good for you for walking away!

 

This phenomenon of twisting it around to absolve oneself of guilt about dumping someone is pretty universal to all types of relationships..not just affairs.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

thanks for the responses. I really do try to look at it all as realistically as possible. I don't think he said that to me bc he plans on dumping me. I think he was trying to act offended by the fact that I said 'I knew we would end.' and that insulted him. he's got it made right now- ending it would be dumb for him. but we don't spend a lot of time together lately. he was finishing a degree and has kids. extra time for the OW ain't easy. but, we text all the time. and I see him at work everyday, but of course we just say hello and are colleagues. it's just... he calls me his girlfriend and it's like, I'm not. we dot even eat meals together. I love him and how he makes me feel... and he needs me and what I give to him. but where does that leave us? how long can I do this for without t interfering with me having an actual life? he is not supposed to work at the same place as me anymore next school year. so, maybe the end will naturally happen then. sometimes I can't believe it's been almost two years. but I just feel like saying goodbye seems impossible.

Edited April 25, 2013 by GreyhoundtoNowhere