Was I too harsh? Or was it his fault?

[Gbee]

So I have this non-exclusive relationship with a guy, it's how we both want it. (Complicated) He wanted to see me often but I told him I'd let him know when I felt like seeing him, and would go weeks without doing so...*

 

So he actually broke my rule and texted me, wanted to see me right away, he'd be away on business the rest of the week. It's been a while so I said yes. He offers to come to me, I said no, I'd drive to our meeting place near his office.

 

I get there and there's 2 texts, one saying "I'm so sorry, I'm stuck on a conference call with my boss, I won't make it there for another 30 minutes. Is that okay?" and another "is it??". So I say yes and we're texting back and forth ( his boss thinking he's checking emails). I say I'm getting scared and he goes "I don't want you to be scared... Do you want to do it another day?" and he's trying to keep me engaged, saying he can stay for a long time, could I, etc.

 

So we have this sex role playing thing where sometimes we kiss, others not. He's kissed me many times. So I mentioned it in a text and he said "You know I don't kiss"

 

Well, it rubbed me the wrong way. I wrote "Ok. Then we're not doing anything else either. Enjoy your meeting". He wrote why... I said "bc I like it the way you like other things. It's not fair to me" and "Should I leave? Tell me now"

 

So I get home and there are 3 texts from him "I'm so sorry. I hate to keep you waiting but I won't be able to be there for another 20 mins. I really want to see you. Can you wait?" and "Hello??" then "Hey?"

 

I just wrote " I gave you 2 mins to text back, when you didn't I left. I'm home already". Him "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you".

 

I wrote "No. I think you've made yourself very clear, the only thing that matters is what you want, and I want to see you too but I don't deserve to be treated that way"

 

He wrote "Sorry. I was role playing "

 

I wrote "We've been doing this for 4.5 years now, that's by far the funniest thing you've ever said. Sometimes I can't believe what you try to get away with" and "so you weren't serious about the kissing? You need to save that kind of treatment for the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys before you. : ) I'm nothing like them." ( He's only my second and were in our 30s)

 

No reply... The next morning I felt awful. So I wrote "Hey - I'm sorry I was a little harsh yesterday. I just remembered that it was actually our "anniversary", 3 years ago on April 22 was our first time... Quite a way to celebrate. Are you mad at me?"

 

He just texted "No". I said "I still want to see you". No reply.

 

Was I a bitch? Overreacting? Or was he being a jerk? Do you think he's mad at me? I'm going to leave him be but I need opinions about whether or not this was my fault... Btw, this is not a "feelings" relationship or anything like that, I just want to know if I really was too harsh...

[Sunshine87]

You've been at it for 4.5 years? Wow

[Gbee]

Yes, 4.5 years... It took us over a year to even have sex for the first time. Like I said, it's complicated but we can't be in a regular relationship. Any input on my question would be great, too, btw!

[Sunshine87]

Need some clarification. What exactly did you say to him about kissing? Did he in effect turn down a kiss request from you?

[Gbee]

We're not married! Neither one of us. It's just that I was in a long term relationship for years - its complicated bc of money. Long story. That has nothing to do with my question... Again, I would appreciate an answer.

[Gbee]

I wrote "Oh, I have a good one! How about kissing? :)" Then he said I know he doesn't kiss... Which he does, he's done it many times. For some reason to have him say that upset me. It has to do w/ rough sex and role playing... But then after he said he was role playing, I also said "Your 'role playing' was humiliating. You need to save that kind of treatment,", etc. plus what I wrote in the other post. I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe he really was just role playing and I overreacted... Then I said that about other girls and I think he got upset... Is that something to get upset over?

[Gbee]

But he didn't text me back when I said I wanted to see him. How could he want to see me?

[Gbee]

What? Why am I the man? I'm the woman. Was I too hard on him? And guys, would you get upset if you got a comment like the one I made about other girls?

[Treasa]

I'm willing to bet that if you listened to your gut, you know if you were too harsh or not. No one here knows your relationship the way you do. Does your gut tell you that you were too harsh, or is it the fact that he's not really talking much?

[Maleficent]

I'm going to be brutally honest here...

 

You are not his girlfriend.

 

If you wanted it this way, fine, more power to you. But by not being his girlfriend, I don't think you are in a position to expect anything.

 

You have 'rules' but tell him the only thing that matters is what he wants...

 

I don't think you get to claim anniversaries either...I hate to break this to you but you're also a 'size piece'...

 

I don't think you 'over'reacted per say...but maybe you two need to rethink this whole deal. If you've been doing this for a few years, things may have changed for you - or him.

[Sunshine87]

See the bolded parts for my response.

 

So I have this non-exclusive relationship with a guy, it's how we both want it. (Complicated) He wanted to see me often but I told him I'd let him know when I felt like seeing him, and would go weeks without doing so...*

 

Hmmm for some reason, I perceive that you wouldn't mind if it was not as complicated

 

So he actually broke my rule and texted me, wanted to see me right away, he'd be away on business the rest of the week. It's been a while so I said

yes. He offers to come to me, I said no, I'd drive to our meeting place near his office.

 

I get there and there's 2 texts, one saying "I'm so sorry, I'm stuck on a conference call with my boss, I won't make it there for another 30 minutes. Is

that okay?" and another "is it??". So I say yes and we're texting back and forth ( his boss thinking he's checking emails). I say I'm getting scared and he goes "I don't want you to be scared... Do you want to do it another day?" and he's trying to keep me engaged, saying he can stay for a long

time, could I,

etc.

 

Hard to dispute that his excuse was not genuine

 

So we have this sex role playing thing where sometimes we kiss, others not.

 

He's kissed me many times. So I mentioned it in a text and he said "You

know I don't kiss"

Well, it rubbed me the wrong way. I wrote "Ok.

 

 

Role play or not, ild be upset if someone I was involved with for over four, didnt want to kiss me.

Then we're not doing anything

else either. Enjoy your meeting". He wrote why... I said "bc I like it the way

you like other things. It's not fair to me" and "Should I leave? Tell me now"

 

I would've have be upset too

 

So I get home and there are 3 texts from him "I'm so sorry. I hate to keep

you waiting but I won't be able to be there for another 20 mins. I really want to see you. Can you wait?" and "Hello??" then "Hey?"

 

No comment

 

 

I just wrote " I gave you 2 mins to text back, when you didn't I left. I'm home already". Him "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you".

 

I wrote "No. I think you've made yourself very clear, the only thing that

matters is what you want, and I want to see you too but I don't deserve to be treated that way"

 

I think that you were upset by the kiss comment and your irritability

stemmed from this and not his delay. I can't tell if he was being truthful. You would be in a better position to know.

 

He wrote "Sorry. I was role playing "

 

Do you believe he was?

 

I wrote "We've been doing this for 4.5 years now, that's by far the funniest thing you've ever said. Sometimes I can't believe what you try to get away

with" and "so you weren't serious about the kissing? You need to save that

kind of treatment for the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys

before you. : ) I'm nothing like them." ( He's only my second and were in our 30s)

 

 

You obviously like this guy a lot. Why are you putting yourself through so much hell by getting entangled/ investing in a relationship ( of almost 5 years) that you can't even define? I assume you're sleeping togethe, you're

are in constant (or at least regular) communication, you spend time together and you Clearly have deep strong emotions for him.

Who are you kidding?

 

No reply... The next morning I felt awful. So I wrote "Hey - I'm sorry I was a little harsh yesterday. I just remembered that it was actually our "anniversary",

3 years ago on April 22 was our first time... Quite a way to celebrate. Are

you mad at me?"

 

So you have a sex anniversary but not an anniversary for your

relationship? So puzzling.

 

He just texted "No". I said "I still want to see you". No reply.

 

You are trying too hard hun. I know the feeling. You were not harsh! You were upset- and for good reason too. I doubt that you believe he was joking about the kiss comment.....or do you?

 

Was I a bitch? Overreacting? Or was he being a jerk? Do you think he's mad at me? I'm going to leave him be but I need opinions about whether or not this was my fault... Btw, this is not a "feelings" relationship or anything like that, I just want to know if I really was too harsh...

 

Your fault? How can you say that it's not a "feelings" relationship when

everything you've written is indicative of quite the opposite? Maybe he isn't emotionally invested in this "arrangement" but you clearly are. So i think a more accurate term is : " an emotionally unbalanced" relationship.

 

My assertions are based on the limited information you've provided. But I don't think you acted like a bitch. However I think you're living in self-

denial. You haven't done anything wrong. I probably would have reacted the same way and if he cared, he would've gone out of his way to reassure you. But his actions portray a man who isn't ready to deal with any drama, from a relationship he isn't really invested in. Why did he want to see you so bad anyway? I hope it wasnt because of sex? What are to doing with this guy anyway? 4.5 years isn a long time

Edited April 25, 2013 by Sunshine87

[Sunshine87]

Sorry for my typos.

 

The information you've provided is really sketchy.

[HuffmanMontana]

You're asking questions that most likely nobody here has an answer too.

 

4.5 years of booty calls?

 

It sounds to me like you got your feelings hurt and threw a hissy.

[Chi townD]

I don't know.

 

Big problem I see is there's a miscommunication going on here. And, sometimes it's extremely hard to figure out if someone is joking through a text or not. You can judge facial expressions and tones in a persons voice when they're joking with you. Can't really get that with texting.

 

I would just give it some time for both parties to calm down and address the problem when calmer minds prevail.

[Gbee]

Sunshine - thank you for the reply. I'm sorry you feel the info is sketchy. It's just that there is so much history, for so many years. It's impossible to condense it.

 

One thing that's always benn an issue for us has been power. At first, he was in charge. Then we took turns breaking up and getting back together. Sometimes I'd leave him, or reject me when he looked for me, or he would leave. It's happened over 10 times. The last time we "got back together", I said Id be the one telling him when we should meet, let him know when I felt like it. He said I was the boss... So every few weeks I'd do it. Then change my mind and not see him at all... He'd get upset, the next time I came back only send one word texts but always saying yes...

 

Another issue has been how many people we've been with. He used to be an athlete, is very good looking and well off. He has been with scores of women and I'm sure has many at the same time. I was in one relationship for almost a decade - he's only the second I've been with sexually. But I told him I only wanted sex bc I really didn't want a relationship, especially with a player like him. He knows I've only had two guys. To be honest, I've never really had intercourse with him, only foreplay. I don't want to give myself away like that to a man I'm not committed to. We are not exclusive, but I've never wanted anyone else. He can have anyone else, but he still always comes back to me. And I don't know why. We're not even *really* having sex. We talk about it, we do some sexual things, but it's not a full-fledged sexual relationship. I've always stopped it.

 

He asked me once "You like it when I'mean to you, don't you?". I didn't answer. He seems to resist believing he's only my second. I love sex, I love the little that we do, but I'm telling the truth. I don't know why he won't believe me. Hence my comment about the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys. He asked me once of I'd had anyone else when we were broken up, I said no and he said that was great... I don't know what to think.

 

I also told him he was two men in one, one nice and one mean, and he took it to mean that I liked both... Here's the thing, I'm very attractive and I'm used to being in charge. It was like that in my first relationship, always like that with men who are into me, I'm in control, they do what I want. But he and I are very similar in that respect. It makes things difficult.

 

There is so much more to say, so many conversations, so many idealizations of me on his part. But I've probably written too much already.

 

If he's not involved, why does he act like this for sex that's not even complete, when he's obviously getting it all from other women? It makes no sense to me. And does his silence mean it's over?

[lonewalker]

Sunshine - thank you for the reply. I'm sorry you feel the info is sketchy. It's just that there is so much history, for so many years. It's impossible to condense it.

 

One thing that's always benn an issue for us has been power. At first, he was in charge. Then we took turns breaking up and getting back together. Sometimes I'd leave him, or reject me when he looked for me, or he would leave. It's happened over 10 times. The last time we "got back together", I said Id be the one telling him when we should meet, let him know when I felt like it. He said I was the boss... So every few weeks I'd do it. Then change my mind and not see him at all... He'd get upset, the next time I came back only send one word texts but always saying yes...

 

Another issue has been how many people we've been with. He used to be an athlete, is very good looking and well off. He has been with scores of women and I'm sure has many at the same time. I was in one relationship for almost a decade - he's only the second I've been with sexually. But I told him I only wanted sex bc I really didn't want a relationship, especially with a player like him. He knows I've only had two guys. To be honest, I've never really had intercourse with him, only foreplay. I don't want to give myself away like that to a man I'm not committed to. We are not exclusive, but I've never wanted anyone else. He can have anyone else, but he still always comes back to me. And I don't know why. We're not even *really* having sex. We talk about it, we do some sexual things, but it's not a full-fledged sexual relationship. I've always stopped it.

 

He asked me once "You like it when I'mean to you, don't you?". I didn't answer. He seems to resist believing he's only my second. I love sex, I love the little that we do, but I'm telling the truth. I don't know why he won't believe me. Hence my comment about the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys. He asked me once of I'd had anyone else when we were broken up, I said no and he said that was great... I don't know what to think.

 

I also told him he was two men in one, one nice and one mean, and he took it to mean that I liked both... Here's the thing, I'm very attractive and I'm used to being in charge. It was like that in my first relationship, always like that with men who are into me, I'm in control, they do what I want. But he and I are very similar in that respect. It makes things difficult.

 

There is so much more to say, so many conversations, so many idealizations of me on his part. But I've probably written too much already.

 

If he's not involved, why does he act like this for sex that's not even complete, when he's obviously getting it all from other women? It makes no sense to me. And does his silence mean it's over?

 

Guys always want the things they couldnt have.

 

If he didnt have sex with u yet. He wasnt going to lose interest in u.

[Gbee]

Continued

 

One thing that's always benn an issue for us has been power. At first, he was in charge. Then we took turns breaking up and getting back together. Sometimes I'd leave him, or reject me when he looked for me, or he would leave. It's happened over 10 times. The last time we "got back together", I said Id be the one telling him when we should meet, let him know when I felt like it. He said I was the boss... So every few weeks I'd do it. Then change my mind and not see him at all... He'd get upset, the next time I came back only send one word texts but always saying yes...

 

Another issue has been how many people we've been with. He used to be an athlete, is very good looking and well off. He has been with scores of women and I'm sure has many at the same time. I was in one relationship for almost a decade - he's only the second I've been with sexually. But I told him I only wanted sex bc I really didn't want a relationship, especially with a player like him. He knows I've only had two guys. To be honest, I've never really had intercourse with him, only foreplay. I don't want to give myself away like that to a man I'm not committed to. We are not exclusive, but I've never wanted anyone else. He can have anyone else, but he still always comes back to me. And I don't know why. We're not even *really* having sex. We talk about it, we do some sexual things, but it's not a full-fledged sexual relationship. I've always stopped it.

 

He asked me once "You like it when I'mean to you, don't you?". I didn't answer. He seems to resist believing he's only my second. I love sex, I love the little that we do, but I'm telling the truth. I don't know why he won't believe me. Hence my comment about the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys. He asked me once of I'd had anyone else when we were broken up, I said no and he said that was great... I don't know what to think.

 

I also told him he was two men in one, one nice and one mean, and he took it to mean that I liked both... Here's the thing, I'm very attractive and I'm used to being in charge. It was like that in my first relationship, always like that with men who are into me, I'm in control, they do what I want. But he and I are very similar in that respect. It makes things difficult.

 

There is so much more to say, so many conversations, so many idealizations of me on his part. But I've probably written too much already.

 

If he's not involved, why does he act like this for sex that's not even complete, when he's obviously getting it all from other women? It makes no sense to me. And does his silence mean it's over?

[Keenly]

I don't even know what the hell you are doing at this point.

[Sunshine87]

Sunshine - thank you for the reply. I'm sorry you feel the info is sketchy. It's just that there is so much history, for so many years. It's impossible to condense it.

 

One thing that's always benn an issue for us has been power. At first, he was in charge. Then we took turns breaking up and getting back together. Sometimes I'd leave him, or reject me when he looked for me, or he would leave. It's happened over 10 times. The last time we "got back together", I said Id be the one telling him when we should meet, let him know when I felt like it. He said I was the boss... So every few weeks I'd do it. Then change my mind and not see him at all... He'd get upset, the next time I came back only send one word texts but always saying yes...

 

Another issue has been how many people we've been with. He used to be an athlete, is very good looking and well off. He has been with scores of women

and I'm sure has many at the same time. I was in one relationship for

almost a decade - he's only the second I've been with sexually. But I told him I only wanted sex bc I really didn't want a relationship, especially with a player like

him.

 

I don't think you were being true to yourself here. You do want a relationship with him, but you know he can't/won't give you the

commitment you desire because of his lifestyle. You know it would end it tears. When you love or like someone a lot, you want a relationship with him/her. I think you relegated your desire to sex because you he couldn't really give you more.

 

He knows I've only had two guys. To be honest, I've never really had intercourse with him, only foreplay. I don't want to give myself away like that to a man I'm not committed to. We are not exclusive, but I've never wanted anyone else.

 

This disproves your earlier statement about wanting only sex. You don't want anyone else.

 

He can have anyone else, but he still always comes back to me.

 

You are different from all the other women who probably gave it up easily. He probably has admiration for you. Plus, I'm positive he is also drawn to you in in many other ways. Few questions: Does he pressure you for sex? How often are you in touch? Does he call or text you everyday? Who initiates contact? ( these details are important to determine if perhaps he really likes you but wants to play around for a whole before settling with you OR if he wants nothing more than a casual relationship with the end goal of eventually hitting it. Maybe some guys would be willing to answer this question? Ill draw attention to some make posters. an

 

And I don't know why. We're not even *really* having sex. We talk about it,

we do some sexual things, but it's not a full-fledged sexual relationship. I've always stopped it.

 

What sort of things? Oral sex? Does he ejaculate? Or you engage in basic foreplay. Reason for asking is: a man doesn't necessarily have to engage in intercourse to fulfil his lust. There are other ways to fulfil his

sexual needs......i think?

 

He asked me once "You like it when I'mean to you, don't you?". I didn't answer. He seems to resist believing he's only my second. I love sex, I love the little that we do, but I'm telling the truth. I don't know why he won't

believe me. Hence my comment about the side pieces who have slept with dozens of guys. He asked me once of I'd had anyone else when we were broken up, I said no and he said that was great... I don't know what to think.

 

I also told him he was two men in one, one nice and one mean, and he

took it to mean that I liked both... Here's the thing, I'm very attractive and I'm used

to being in charge. It was like that in my first relationship, always like that with men who are into me, I'm in control, they do what I want. But he and I are very similar in that respect. It makes things difficult.

 

There is so much more to say, so many conversations, so many idealizations of me on his part. But I've probably written too much already.

 

No you haven't. Feel free to pour it out.

 

If he's not involved, why does he act like this for sex that's not even complete, when he's obviously getting it all from other women?

 

Maybe he thinks you'll stop holding out some day? Maybe he enjoys the challenge you pose? Maybe he enjoys your company? I don't know. Perhaps

a male opinion would be more useful. Or maybe he does like you a bit...he is obviously drawn to you in some way

 

It makes no sense to

me. And does his silence mean it's over?

 

You mentioned that youve broken up and reconciled multiple times. I can't answer this. But he would be doing you a great favour if he bounced

for good. Aren't you drained? Has he made any promises about a future together? Do you talk about a future together? Is this relationship headed in any direction?

 

Edited April 25, 2013 by Sunshine87

[Sunshine87]

I don't think you were being true to yourself here. You do want a relationship with him, but you know he can't/won't *give you the*

commitment you desire because of his lifestyle. You know it would end it tears. When you love or like someone a lot, you want a relationship with him/her. I think you relegated your desire to sex because you he couldn't really give you more.

 

 

 

 

This disproves your earlier statement about wanting only sex. You don't want anyone else.

( youve expressly stated that you dont want anyone else).

 

 

You are different from all the other women who probably gave it up easily. He probably has admiration for you. Plus, I'm positive he is also drawn to you in in many other ways. Few questions: Does he pressure you for sex? How often are you in touch? Does he call or text you everyday? Who initiates contact? ( these details are important to determine if perhaps he really likes you but wants to play around for a whole before settling with you OR if he wants nothing more than a casual relationship with the end goal of eventually hitting it. *Maybe some guys would be willing to answer this question? Ill draw attention to some make posters. an

 

 

 

 

What sort of things? Oral sex? Does he ejaculate? Or you engage in basic foreplay. Reason for asking is: a man doesn't necessarily have to engage in intercourse to fulfil his lust. There are other ways to fulfil his*

sexual needs......i think?

 

 

 

Maybe he thinks you'll stop holding out some day? Maybe he enjoys the challenge you pose? Maybe he enjoys your company? I don't know. Perhaps

*a male opinion would be more useful. Or maybe he does like you a bit...he is obviously drawn to you in some way

 

 

 

You mentioned that youve broken up and reconciled multiple times. I can't answer this. But he would be doing you a great favour if he bounced

*for good. Aren't you drained? Has he made any promises about a future together? Do you talk about a future together? Is this relationship headed in any direction?

[DaSkullCrusher]

If he "broke your rule," by texting you why did you meet up with him? It doesn't really seem like a strong rule.

[Estate]

It's a no strings thing?

 

This is way over the top. You can't have bf/gf arguements like that with a no-strings... it is what it is... if you're both available great, if not, no worries.

[Gbee]

Thanks for all the advice... But I'm still grieving. Sort of.

 

So I go without contacting him for a week and a half, last time was when I said I wanted to see him and he didn't reply. Them out of the blue this week he texts me "Hey". I just reply "Hi", more than an hour later. He immediately writes "Can we make out some time soon?". Which means he was okay with kissing. : )

 

I write "Don't write stuff like that... You don't know what happened to me last week, I had to block you everywhere. Can I call you tomorrow?" He goes "Ok. Sorry. I won't contact you anymore". I said "No, it's not like that. I want to talk to you. But can I call you?". He wrote TES. I gave him a time, said it would be quick bc I'd be at work, he wrote ok.

 

So the next day I call, he doesn't pick up, I leave a message with my work number (I wanted to stop using my cell). So I text and ask if he's too busy to talk, he texts "Yes. Crazy day. Sorry". I just wanted to explain why I wanted to stay away from texting (long story). So I send him my work email and tell him that's the best way to reach me in the future, no texting. No reply.

 

I know what we have isn't serious, even though it's been 4.5 years, and I won't go after him, but I can't understand why he acts interested and then acts like that. Am I being blind? Obviously he didn't want to talk on the phone, but maybe he felt slighted bc I "demoted" him to work number/email only? If he wanted to talk to me, he wouldn't care, right?

 

I'm not sure how much I care at this point, it's only supposed to be NSA, but I don't know how to proceed. Like I said, he's only the second guy I've been with. Obviously I won't look for him, but I just want to understand this part and would like some input.

[Quiet Storm]

You two can't be real with each other. It's all game playing.

 

All ego....no true feelings. No vulnerability.

 

It's fake. Let it go...it's nothing special.

[Quiet Storm]

Also...you say you're a 9, tight and all that. But you let yourself be reduced to a blow job in a bad neighborhood...left waiting. Not even getting a kiss. You deserve better. If you are a 9... why do you accept these scraps? Don't you think that you deserve better?