Was I too harsh? Or was it his fault?

[SpiralOut]

It's not that you were too harsh, the problem is that you are giving him mixed signals. One day you're telling him he can't contact you first, that he needs to wait for you to decide you want to see him. Then suddenly you're mad at him for not wanting to kiss you. You act like you don't care about him, then you get mad at him for not acting like he cares about you. It's confusing. The poor guy has no clue of how to please you.

Edited May 5, 2013 by SpiralOut

[dreamsgone]

maybe the simpliest answer is the obvious? You told him not to text you but he did and started saying things that didnt make sense like "you know i dont kiss" Could he have mistakenly texted you what he intended for another girl?

[Gbee]

Wow.. A lot of stuff to get through. I'll try.

 

To the person who said I deserve better, etc. I never said I was a 9, or tight. However, I am attractive (far more than other women I know he's been with, and that's not a matter of opinion, either, other ppl felt the same way), and ive only had sex with ONE man, who was my husband. And foreplay with this guy, who's my second. No one said anything about blowjobs! It's been 4.5 years and he has only touched me over my clothes - I've never let him do more. That's because sex is very important to me, my body is sacred and I don't agree with giving it away like that. I've always felt that way, one of the reasons why I also didn't sleep with my husband until AFTER he became my husband. I don't look down on women who feel differently, but that lifestyle simply wouldn't work for me.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions and I appreciate the time you took to write but I don't feel it was a fair assessment.

[Gbee]

About the NSA post... Thanks, great answer. But I can see how my lack of information makes it confusing.

 

Here's what happened: I was married for almost a decade, separated a few years ago, met this guy. He knew what my position was. He was clearly a player, so I was VERY careful about my feelings and how far I let him go. Got divorced, a whole after got back together with my husband but we are only living together, no kids involved, no marriage. But I couldn't stop seeing the other guy, although I went 1.5 years not contacting him at all, even though he tried.

 

When my ex and I got back together, I told him about the guy, and the truth that we had not had sex. A couple of weeks ago, he saw in the history that I'd gone to the guys LinkedIn page and flipped out, saying that if I was looking I was still interested, etc. So I got really scared that he might monitor texts somehow, etc. I had mentioned it to the guy as soon as it happened, no sexual talk in texts, etc., so he had a sense at least of what I meant when I asked to switch to my work email... Even though it happened the following week.

 

But I can see how he may have interpreted the "Don't write stuff like that" as me not wanting to see him. Anyway, my ex also said I had to delete him in LinkedIn and block him on FB, even though we weren't even friends! So I did... That's what I was referring to when I talked to him, I wasn't playing games. It was self-preservation.

 

So, I understand what will happen now, ppl will criticize, etc. But right now I really want to text him this week, I'm not in trouble anymore so I'm pretty sure texting is okay... I don't know why. I think I was very stressed our and he took the brunt of it more than once.. I just feel I want to make nice and see him... Should I wait for h instead?

[Praying4Peace]

Why do you feel like you have to decide at this point?

[Gbee]

Because I don't want to cheat. But what I really want to know is if I should contact him after my wacky behavior or if that's too desperate... I know that every time I contact him I'm making a choice.

[BetrayedH]

Why don't you just let your ex go? Why keep him locked down and faithful to you while you are playing single?

[2sunny]

You send way too many mixed signals with your words that contradict yourself.

 

If you want the guy - say so. If not, say so and stick to the agreement.

[lonewalker]

I think you should not wait for this player. He is holding on to u becoz he havent got what he want. If u r thinking of a romantic committed rs with him, u may be too optimistic.

[Jonah]

Your best bet would be to forget about all this drama that you are using to hide from reality and instead take a good close look at yourself. See a doctor, get on an exercise and weight loss program and stick with it. All this relationship hooabaloo is a waste of time for you and these goons that you are fooling yourself into thinking care about you.

[Gbee]

Jonah - I don't think I'm the one who needs to take a closer look at myself. Your assumption that I'm ugly and not the one in a position of power - the men are the ones who don't care, etc. - is sexist and frankly, you sound like a jerk. I made a living off of my looks for years, until I reached my early 30s and my business (thankfully!) took off. My ex wants to get married again - I have no interest in the financial liabilities of marriage. I'm fine with the way things are, divorce once was enough. I am in no need of a weight loss program and your suggestion is, at best, misguided.

 

As for the other posts... Posting here has helped me to realize quite a few things. Number one, my ex is a far better man. He is faithful ( I grew up in a wealthy family and realized early on that information is power... I've kept track of him for years, nothing inappropriate.), has a much more prestigious career than the other guy, is on my level financially. (Let's say that as far as money goes, my ex and I are equally a level 9... The other guy is a level 7. He's done okay since his athletic career ended, but my ex still wins in terms of prestige. Yes, in my social circle these things matter, so I apologize if this rustles any feathers.)

 

Then come looks... My ex has the same physical featurs, blue eyes, etc. but the other guy is taller... Perfect bone structure. Gorgeous. I simply love his looks. I've never in my life been attracted to anyone the way I am to him. Plus, he and I are the same sexually, fantasies and all, even though we havent consummated it. My ex is very much a prude and has tried to change, but it never lasts.

 

I realize I should drop the other guy. I should be faithful. But I honestly feel like its not over. My ex is the one not letting go. He was destroyed when I left. I don't want to put him through that again. And yet this guy has a hold on me I can't explain. Is there a way to stop wanting him?

[Javelin]

I don't think I'm the one who needs to take a closer look at myself.

 

I mean no disrespect, but what exactly are you looking for people to say? Afte reading your posts, you sound extremely confused. That said, your initial question was answered, but why do you even care? You're basically F-buddies with no emotional attachment. Let me remind you, this is how you wanted it.

 

Which leads back to you being confused. I think that you are starting to become emotionally attached to the athlete, which is what brings you here to loveshack. There's one problem, you're too prooud to admit it your developing feelings? Am I right? Oh, and don't forget about your ex-husband that you have on the side.

 

You've found yourself in a sort of self-inposed twisted love triange.

Edited May 6, 2013 by Javelin

[ver13]

I'm trying to decipher what it is that you are trying to get help with? One moment you state that this relationship is on the DL and the other your worried about who's texting who. Just step back and look at the choices that you have before you.

 

A. Continue the DL/Roleplay and all that comes from non-commited relationships.

 

B. Stop playing sex games and go for something deeper.

 

After 4.5yrs of this do you really know each other when you put it all into perspective. I mean other then some casual hookup's have you spent "Q" time with this person. If you haven't been more to each other than you are right now why should any of this matter now. From a male perspective if all I'm doing is texting for some non-vanilla and I can have other partners just as you can why bother. Now if your trying to reshape the R into something you'll have to commit.

[Gbee]

Thanks for the input... Ill try to answer both. What do I want? I want to figure out how I feel about him. I think I'm falling for him and yes, I'm too proud bc I know it would be next to impossible to make him feel the same way. Although, if I told you all the drama I've created over the years, you'd never believe that I've never slept with him - and he has stayed through it all. He is very jealous of my ex, asking all kinds of questions... I've never indulged. He does not like the idea of me seeing other guys on the side... He has never come out and said I shouldn't, but let me know in no uncertain terms that he was very pleased by the fact I hadn't seen anyone after one of our breakups.

 

We have talked a lot over the years... Relationships, hopes, dreams, our upbringing, political views, etc. everything you can imagine. He has never pressured me for sex. He has always said he will do whatever I feel comfortable doing.

 

I don't know what all of this means. He knows he can contact me at work but hasn't. There was another time when I sort of got caught emailing him, like 3 years ago and I totally threw him under the bus and he stood up for me, called my ex to help me and everything... My ex said it was only to save himself and not bc he cares about me. I believed him.

 

I need help figuring out how to commit to this... And should I? I can't care more than him, or show it. That's the fastest way to lose a man. Right?

[Gbee]

Btw, what do you mean by "only texting for some non vanilla"? I have no clue. What was the male perspective, again? That he's not pulque suing this bc there's no sex? Sorry but I didn't understand. And thanks again.

[Gbee]

Brick - No offense taken, I appreciate your input. And it's such a novel view in my case. I've always blamed it all on him... If he doesn't jump when I tell him, to me that's very disrespectful. I think he should be available whenever I feel like seeing him, lol! I know I'm a control freak. But I've always seen myself as the victim - after all, he's the one sleeping around, not me.

 

So I go back and forth between feeling rejected - he hasn't written back because he doesn't like me enough - and feeling I should ignore him (I cannot want someone who doesn't want me.)

 

But I also wonder if I've had a hand in his behavior... Was I harsh? Have I been leading him on? Ive just always seen it as normal for me to be in charge - of when we see each other, how much sex happens, how far we go... I've always expected him to just go along with whatever I say. Come to think of it, this is a pattern I repeat in every single relationship, romantic or not.

 

I struggled all day with texting him. I want to write "I really want to see you - Can we make time to meet up?*And it's ok to text again, I had to be careful last week but I don't have to worry now." I am still worried... I'm wondering I'd there's a way to permanently delete texts from an iPhone? I don't want it to be backed up onto our computer when I sync it.. We have this Carbonire thing that backs everything up... If I delete the texts then sync to our computer, could it still be stored/hidden somewhere?? I'm not tech savvy at all and my ex is... Anyway, does anyone know? And should I text him tomorrow? I miss him so much.

[Jonah]

I'm the one who needs to take a closer look at myself. I'm ugly and not the one in a position of power - the men are the ones who don't care.

 

Gbee, if you have all this going on, gorgeous guys to choose from and lots of money to spend, then why are you fiddling around on a loveshack infidelity forum? Troll?

[Gbee]

I could write a book about how your statement wreaks of immaturity, but I don't have the time. I post because I don't have anyone I trust enough to share this with, it's a sensitive subject. I never said I had a bunch of gorgeous guys, I said very clearly this guy is gorgeous and he's the only one I want - not that you would bother to read the whole thread... And money has nothing to do with wanting other people's opinions. Again, immaturity...

 

I believe the definition of a troll is someone who posts not to be helpful, but to be antagonistic and disrespectful. That shoe fits you, not me.

[Javelin]

He's the only one I want.

 

Gbee,

 

If he's the one you want, then you have to express your feelings to him. It may be hard, and you may be turned down. But you'll never know unless you try. Sounds to me like he wants to be with you too, especially if he's jealous of other men.

[Tinie]

Ok I'm going to add my two cents. Maybe I'm mistaken about a lot of things, but here goes.

 

First off, it could be that you don't trust this Mr. Playa. That's why you're pushing him away, to see if he's serious enough to come back. I know because I do that too, though rarely ever. Most guys I know are trustworthy, but a few are not, and I find I'm afraid that they are lying to me or leading me on and I feel the need to test them. Maybe you're like that.

 

I definitely agree with the others. He's not emotionally invested. He wanted to keep you waiting for 50 minutes? Not to mention all these mind games. And say I'm right about the trust issue I mentioned in the second paragraph. This relationship or whatever the hell it is, is doomed if you don't trust each other and feel the need to push away to test the relationship's strength. This means that there is fear, on your behalf, that he doesn't have feelings for you, doesn't care about you, so you need to prove he does by pushing him away.

 

I think you need to stop wasting time and drop this guy. I know it's hard, but if he was seriously in love with you, I don't think he'd be a Mr. Playa. He would have probably swooped down upon you after your divorce and claimed you for his own. He didn't do that. I think it's time you let this go. You need to find a man you can trust, and a man who is as emotionally invested in this as you are.

 

Let your ex go too. I realize that sounds cruel to you, but lying and cheating on him is WAY more cruel than leaving him for good.

[Lillyfree]

seems like a whole lot of immature games for two people who are old enough to know better.

 

and sorry - if someone's in a meeting with their boss, you don't give them 2 minutes to reply and then throw a hissy fit :/

 

both of you need to grow up.

[Gbee]

You're all right. We need to grow up, big time. I completely overreacted. But seriously, I was PMSing AND I'd left work early to see him that day... At least he confessed he was only role playing. His thing with me is power. He's used to being in charge with women, I've turned that game around on him many times. But, I'm not db - I've been careful to balance it out with times when hes in charge too, so that he doesn't feel emasculated. We've both done that for each other - he articulated it once, verbally, so I know this is the case.

 

As for emotional attachment, I'm torn. He's been coming back for almost 5 years. I haven't slept with him. My divorce happened when we were broken up, he didn't know. But the most important thing is that it doesn't matter if he's involved right now - that can always change, if I play my cards right.

 

So I've pretty much decided that I'm not letting this go. I was in tears in the car driving home yesterday, because regardless of what I do or how hard I try, he's the one I want. I'm not letting go. I'm biding my time to contact him again. If he doesn't reply, that's fine - I know he will sooner or later. So posting here has definitely helped, and thank you all for helping!