Confused, need answer and help

[Someoneguy]

1st off, im glad I found this website and I'll try to make this real brief, but not leave out important details.....

 

I've been dating this girl since we were both in High School. She is 18 and I am 20. She just entered college and I'm almost done (I skipped a grade). So we've been going out for a little more then 3 years and have been close, like to the hip almost. Everyone said that wasn't good but she wanted it that way too. So one week ago, Saturday, shes doesn't come home till 12 15 when she was off at 9 45. She claimed she didnt call because she was helping her friend whos going through a tough time with her friends and family... Still, it became a big situation because her family and I were worried where she was.

 

When she got back, we all yelled at her in anger and a little relief on why she didnt call. I talked to her later and told her I didn't know if I could ever trust her with things if shes not going to be honest. The next day, I wanted to talk to her when i got off work but her mom told me she was out at the movies. She left a note to her mom but not saying who she was going with, so her mom was worried again because she thought she was with me. Her mom and I were very worried, thinking its drugs because shes acting way out of character. I ended up falling asleep in her bed and she arrives at 4am. She claims she was with her friend, which I know is going through a hard time, and that they went to a movie and went to her house and she fall asleep (suscpicous?).

 

The next day, im crying like I never though I could. I wanted her old self back but she showed no emotion toward me. She is annoyed with everything I do... claiming she is mad because I yelled at her with her family. I cry breaking down telling her how much i love her but just tell me the truth, tell me whats going on with the relationship. She says she just wants time, she needs time away from me because Ive been bothering her. Ive talked to her a couple of times, everytime she is busy with her friends at work and doesnt seem to care much. She said she loves me but she needs time just like i needed when we broke up a year and a half ago. She associates me with her mom now, who shes never gotten a long with but im nothing like her. Does anyone know what I should do? Is it over? Do i ask her now thats its been a week? I dont want to be left on a limb. I fear that if i call her she'll brush me off. I want answers, Should i leave her be? My friends and mom tell me if i stop calling her, she will break and realize how much she misses me..... but will it be too late? I fear the longer we wait, the less chance of our relationship surviving. Help please, why did such a sweet loving girl turn so evil. I ve never seen someone look so evil.

[MrRX7]

hmmmm......maybe she need space for awhile i dunno i'm no doctor

[tanbark813]

Sorry to break it to you but it really sounds like she's seeing if things will work out with a new guy. I agree with your friends and your mom. Don't try to initiate any contact with her. Trust me, she won't just simply forget about you. It may take weeks or months of no contact but eventually she'll contact you (if she wants to that is).

 

But personally, I think it's in your best bet to start seeing who else is out there and start doing your own thing. You're going to hear this a million times but it's true: You're still really young and have plenty of time to find someone. Hang in there, bro..

[Someoneguy]

its so odd how she changed so quickly. It seems like she is using the fact that I yelled at her as her excuse to be mad at me. I want her to speak up.... All i want is honesty. Im thinking if I tell her that these past days that we've been apart i've been talking to someone else.... (a lie) just so she'll say "o, good, i have too," Is that a bad idea?

[Someoneguy]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Trust me, she won't just simply forget about you. It may take weeks or months of no contact but eventually she'll contact you (if she wants to that is).

 

I was thinking, theres no way she lost all feelings for me. Is it possible? Even if there is another guy. And thers no way Ill ever go back if there is another guy. But if there isn't a new guy and she wanted "space" (dumbest excuse anyone could use), then I want her back. She used to be the one in my Palm, and now its me in hers.

[Smucks212]

What did you feel when you needed a break? Were you pulling away at all like she is? I've been through this with my boyfriend of almost 4 years, about a year ago he wanted to be alone and since he has a tough time communicating in general (i.e. many of his emotions/feelings come out in arguments more than any other time) it was even harder to deal with it with no reasoning at all except knowing he needed "space, space, space". I bugged him a lot at first and it made it a lot worse than if I had just left him alone. I think if you want to contact her in a few days maybe send and email and suggest you're there if she wants to get anything off her chest, but it seems like whatever it is you'll find out eventually with her willingly telling you or not. Maybe think about any events that took place around the time when she started acting like that and see if there's any connection there to calm your thoughts a little, otherwise it's a tough ride but you gotta just stick it out.

[Someoneguy]

When i needed a break... I couldn't stand her immaturity. Though are ages are about the same, she was still in high school and I got into college (obviously two different mind sets). I was tired of having the argue with her, walk her through the steps of things that can make people angry, especially her GUY boyfriend. She begged like I did but I would never leave her there crying like i was. I would always comfort her. For 3 years shes been with me everyday. now in the past week shes gone out to dinner with her friends from work (i think at least). To me, it seems like shes going out more in a group, but shes so attractive theres no doubt in my mind someone would love her accompany. The only event that took place around the time she acted like this was when She came home late and her mom, dad, older sister and I explained why she should call if shes coming 2 hours late from work. (ok, we yelled..... but within reason for her actions. But it doesn't seem like I can stick through it without answers. My academic and athletic life are rapidly falling apart. I have no motivation for anything. I need an answer to help me move on and stop wondering.

[Smucks212]

Oh man, believe me I can relate all too well to the part of it affecting now other outside things in your life as well as just the overall feeling of "not knowing". Are you close with her family by any chance? That might be a way to find some reasoning, not butting in, but I mean getting a point of view from someone who is almost as close.

 

My suggestion about the telling her you've been talking to someone else thing is that it most likely will not make her decide what she wants to do any faster. If anything it may do the opposite whether she is seeing someone else or if she just wants space (and probably more if she just wants space).

 

Since it just seems to be eating away at you, I would try to contact her and tell her in a nice way that you think you deserve enough respect for her to at least tell you what is going on between the two of you and her. Although I will also tell you (because this is what happened to me when other people suggested I do that) that the response she gives may not be what you want to hear or are ready to hear. When I asked that to my guy, he told me he wasn't expecting me to wait around for him and I could date other people if I wanted (although he wasn't dating other people). I mean this person who you spend so much time with, invest so much of yourself in, and love so much can tell you that? To me it just made me more upset and confused. It was a comment/response that meant there was a possibility that we would never be together again if that's how he wanted it, so after waiting around for so long I began to just partake in activities to distract me almost, to meet new people (not for dating) but to just show him that I wasn't going to sit there and wait, even though it was killing me inside. I almost had to force myself to do it and believe me i know how hard it is when it seems like your mind just keeps going to the situation.

[Smucks212]

Oh man, believe me I can relate all too well to the part of it affecting now other outside things in your life as well as just the overall feeling of "not knowing". Are you close with her family by any chance? That might be a way to find some reasoning, not butting in, but I mean getting a point of view from someone who is almost as close.

 

My suggestion about the telling her you've been talking to someone else thing is that it most likely will not make her decide what she wants to do any faster. If anything it may do the opposite whether she is seeing someone else or if she just wants space (and probably more if she just wants space).

 

Since it just seems to be eating away at you, I would try to contact her and tell her in a nice way that you think you deserve enough respect for her to at least tell you what is going on between the two of you and her. Although I will also tell you (because this is what happened to me when other people suggested I do that) that the response she gives may not be what you want to hear or are ready to hear. When I asked that to my guy, he told me he wasn't expecting me to wait around for him and I could date other people if I wanted (although he wasn't dating other people). I mean this person who you spend so much time with, invest so much of yourself in, and love so much can tell you that? To me it just made me more upset and confused. It was a comment/response that meant there was a possibility that we would never be together again if that's how he wanted it, so after waiting around for so long I began to just partake in activities to distract me almost, to meet new people (not for dating) but to just show him that I wasn't going to sit there and wait, even though it was killing me inside. I almost had to force myself to do it and believe me i know how hard it is when it seems like your mind just keeps going to the situation.

[Someoneguy]

I tried talking to her again..... Boy what a mistake. She said this when I asked if i could come over "No, I dont want to see you." LoL O man. Its so obvious that theres someone else. Theres no way for her to be this cruel to me. I see it as her trying to keep me on a limb just like someone mentioned earlier so shes not alone when it doesnt work out with the new fling. I thought I met the sweetest girl in the world. no lie, shes definitly a 9. A hot girl, but man, never seen anyone so cruel to me in my life.

 

PS, This is no serious, or no one take this too serious, BUT has anyone felt so bad after a relationship that they've considered not wanting to live through it? Ive lost motivation for everything in life. She made everything in my life worthwhile and NOW I don't want to wake up the next day. Im just hoping that one morning I won't wake up ever. If my parents we're alive, I wouldn't be right now. Only thing that stops me.... I hate how pathetic I sound. Never thought this would be me.

[billybadass36]

Dude, I know it sucks. This same thing sort of happened to me when my engagement broke off 8 years ago. It hurts like hell. All the signs there are similar to what I went through. My then-fiance just...well....changed. Like overnight. It wasn't gradual or anything...although myself I had been feeling like the relationship was getting unbearable myself. However, I was bound and determined to make it work. It took her to make that decision to cut it off for me to realize that it wasn't going any further. It hurt like hell...the fact that a relationship that I'd spent so much time and effort (not to mention emotional currency that I'd invested in it) to build had failed. Up until that point I'd always thought that was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Well, when I moved out and was heading home, across Michigan, I threw up on the side of the road like 3 times. It sucked the life out of me for about two months. But then I realized, "Hey, I'm young, smart, attractive, and lookit all these girls out there that I can get to know now."

 

Honestly, don't call her anymore. If she wants to see you, she knows how to get in touch with you. She's indicated to you that she wants some "time" or "space" or whatever the hell it is that she wants. Give it to her. Stalking her won't help. If she doesn't call or whatever, then you'll know it's over. It'll suck, and it'll take you a LONG time to get over it, but believe me, you WILL get over it (if, in fact, she doesn't come running back to you). You seem like a nice, intelligent guy. I know it might not seem like it now, but you don't NEED her. It'll seem like life's not worth living for a while, but it'll get better. If you keep having these quasi-suicidal thoughts, go see a counselor or a shrink or someone who's in a better situation to help you with that. Hell, go fishing, get drunk, go out with the guys, just don't sit around pining all day. Keep yourself busy and try to get her out of your mind. Go meet some ladies. Just get out and DO stuff.

[Someoneguy]

Thanks. but by the way. I am out most of the day. Its just I wake up so early everyday now because of the dreams I have of her. Then, I just wait till one of my friends are done with intern or work to go hang out. Kinda sucks though, all my friends want me to do is hook up with her old friends. I think her friend is really pretty but I dont want to her hurt anyone. I just want to relationship to end on a "whatever" note. Seems like shes pushing me for this to happen.

[Someoneguy]

Just to give an update.... I talked to her about 15 min ago. She told me there is and never was another guy. She just wants to go out with friends because that is what she likes and what she enjoys to do most right now. Basically, she's tired of the relationship. Tired of people telling her what to do. Her whole family is telling her right now that "your dumping him for that guy?!" and its really pissing her off. Shes tired of them telling her what to do and me telling her. Though, it did make me feel good to know the guys and people shes with right now don't match to me .... I will deeply miss her, and I learned a lesson Tom Likis preachs everday... "Don't get into early relationships"..... as much as you hate the guy, its true.