Wife Left

[KindaLost]

Hi All,

 

Well my wife has left in order to get a break and see he she feels. She is currently staying with her parents about 3 hours away. We have been married almost 4 years and have no children so the only ones being hurt are ourselves. She left on March 29th and returned April 12th. She stayed the week of the 15th and left Sunday the 21st. When she first arrived from her parents she was 70% sure she wanted to end the marriage after staying the week she said she was 50% sure she wanted to end it. She said she has to get out of here again because she was getting comfortable. We were speaking as of Monday night and then I went no contact. She has been trying to call me twice a day as well as text me about 4 times a day. I stopped taking the calls and answering the texts. Is this the right thing to do? She told me last Sunday before she left that she will be gone about a week.

 

Our relationship was not bad but we both admit that there is something missing on an intimacy level. We are best friends and she says that it feels as if we are roommates and she is correct when she says that. What I think is going on is she is having a crises of some sort and she acts depressed. I know she is disappointed on many levels. She will be 39 in a few weeks and does not have a child, her career is pretty much finished and for the last few years she has been doing freelance jobs. She has no direction and has no idea what she wants to do. It's to the point where she says she wants to waitress down near her parents house for the summer. She came from a job where she was making 100,000 a year. I did a little research and this sounds like a female midlife crises, seems to be on the 9's 29,39,49 etc.

 

Any and all advice is welcome. I would like to work this out, go to theropy and be close again and do whatever it takes.

 

Thank You in Adavance! And I look forward to what people think or suggest.

[2sure]

It sounds like you understand her feelings and what is going on with her. Has she said these things are depressing her ? I mean, clearly they would but have they really been discussed?

 

The no contact you have put in place seems like a solid and proactive decision. She cannot sit on that fence - and given the circumastances, it is best not to. Best for you because you cant be pulled and pushed. Life moves on and you have to be prepared. Good for her because she has to be all in or out with this marriage.

 

If she is depressed about her career, finances, or children - those sound like issues that , in a healthy marriage, would be dealt with together.

 

Any of that going on? Any input from her parents?

[KindaLost]

Thank You for the quick reply. We did speak about the issues and it does bother her about where she is atin life. She says she is just "tired" of trying in our relationship. She also said that she already knows it will be the bigget mistake in her life if we end this. The reasons she told me because she would have to never worry about being taken of and she has a great life with me.

 

In regards to her parents they do love me but I have not heard from them. I'm on the fence about calling her Father and telling him what I think is going on. He is on the cold side to his family, an example would be 2 weekends ago he was leaving to go with his buddies on a golf trip weekend. He hugged her and the only thing he said in the two weeks while she was there about what was going on was, "whatever is going on in your personal life I hope gets worked out".

[2sure]

So, as far as communication goes she may not have a sounding board. Given her Dad's "coldness" , she may have some trouble making herself understood as well.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? I was never bid on it myself, but did go & it was one of the best things I ever did. We ended up divorcing but it was useful even in that respect.

[KindaLost]

Hahaha yes we did try when we were engaged. The lady was was insane and I just walked out on it. That's a whole other story but the lady wanted us to date other people while we were engaged. She did go see her last Saturday for the first time in about 4 1/2 years. Basically when I left the lady lol I told her that "her advice sucked and for the copay I could get better advice from a bartender". Sorry I still laugh about that one.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hahaha yes we did try when we were engaged. The lady was was insane and I just walked out on it. That's a whole other story but the lady wanted us to date other people while we were engaged. She did go see her last Saturday for the first time in about 4 1/2 years. Basically when I left the lady lol I told her that "her advice sucked and for the copay I could get better advice from a bartender". Sorry I still laugh about that one.

Hate to see you judge all MC by that experience. Especially in a situation like yours where you're getting mixed messages - 50% sure? 70% sure? - MC can bring much clarity to the relationship. Might be your best - and only - hope...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KindaLost]

I'm all for going to a MC if it will help. I even said that I would go back to the last one if I had no options so I'm doing my part. In all honesty I would rather find a more "stable" MC. All the MC did was talk about herself and I'm not the only one saying this because friends of ours who referredd her to us stopped going to her as well, due to her talking about herself.

 

If anybody is in Northern New Jersey and can refer me/us to somebody worthwhile then Please let me know.

[KindaLost]

I forgot to add that my Wife also agrees that she is not that great of an MC. She went on her own about 2 years ago because of past issues to another Counsler and said that one was even worse. She never went back to that one.

[Gunny376]

There are just some things that once committed to? You just don't walk away from ~ even when things go bad, get bad or go South. Most marriage problems are resolveable. Too many people bail the first time they hit a bump in the road ~ or in the OP's case because the other party "just isn't feelin' it!"

 

I've been down this merry little road a time or two. Me? I'm a "in for a penny ~ in for a pound" kind of guy. Maybe its just my personal nature.

 

A woman comes to me with this crap? She'd best mean it the frist time it comes out of her mouth. I don't play this "I need to go find myself crap!"

 

Well you do that Sweetheart! And if and when you do? Get lost!

[KindaLost]

I understand your theory Gunny and I like it. My theory is that I made a promise and I will stick by it but I will not be some toy that when you need me you call me. That's why I went no contact to show that I'm not weak. Now I'm getting angry text messages from her calling me immature and such but I'm not the one who left. Lets be honest though I would love to pick up the phone and call her but I'm standing my ground. Hopefully she wakes up soon. Should I put a date on this say May 1st? Any thought are appreciated. Thanks Again for the replies!

[KraftDinner]

Did you tell her you needed NC, or just stop talking with no warning?

 

If the latter, that's not a good idea.

[KindaLost]

Well Kraft if I'm involved it will be wrong. I went renegade and just cut it off without warning. I think tomorrow I'm going to the bank to the split savings down the middle. I'm being proactive and if its wrong so be it but if she really wanted to work things out she would of never have left. Well I'm going out to go have a few beers with the fellas.

[KraftDinner]

You did say you wanted to work this out.

 

I would personally find being ignored to be a death blow to any possiblility of a future relationship.

 

Plus if she keeps contacting you to figure out what's wrong, you aren't getting NC.

[KraftDinner]

Oh, and I'm 39 too, if that means anything

[Gunny376]

I would personally find being ignored to be a death blow to any possibility of a future relationship.

 

Then lets say you and I were in a LTR committed relationship, and you went flakey on me, telling me that you needed some time and space, you needed to find yourself, etc ~ yada ~ yada!

 

And I go strict NC ~ which in my particular case would. And this is a deal breaker for you?

 

You know what? So be it! Women come and go and there's no one particular monkey that makes a show. That's not to say that I wouldn't be upset if Mrs. Gunny did this to me, but having been a 2 time vet of such? I know that I can and will survive it ~ get through it ~ and get over it? I know for a fact that I can go out and find myself another gal quick, fast and in a hurry like if I were so inclined to do so.

 

And that's for a lot of reasons. Back in the day in high school ~ college ~ in our twenties, early thirties women held the 'home court' advantage. Trouble is? They think they will always hold the home court advantage. Not true!

 

Depending upon where your at? The number of women out weigh the number of men. Just out the gate there are 52% more female births than male? Add in that men tend to do really stoppppiddd things like bungee jumping, riding motorcycles, drive hot rod cars to fast, jump out of air planes, mountain climbing, enlist into the military etc. The home court advantage definitely goes toward the men. And then there's the simple fact that there are a lot more "good old gals" than there are "good old boys!

 

Women talk about having PMS? That's not the No. #1 aliment that women have worldwide ~ and its the same the world over!

 

The Number 1 aliment women the world have isn't PMS ~ its T-PMS!

 

"Tired of Putting Up With Men's S***!" :mad: :mad:

 

Mu knowing how not just some men ~ but a lot of men are absolutely clueless as to how a woman thinks, what a woman wants, and needs? That are absolutely and complete jerks to their women?

 

That works to my advantage! But I'm no longer in the market, and I didn't just settle for Mrs. Gunny. As I've told her, "If you were any other woman ~ individual other than the Good Lord made you and your Mama and Daddy raised you? I wouldn't have you!" And I wouldn't, because she would be just like any and all the other women I've been with and dated over the years?

 

I've had a lot of women that I've been with think that sex in and itself was enough for me? Its not! I need a woman who's intelligent, intellectually stimulating, engaging, gregarious, friendly, co-operative, their own person, with their own ideas, concepts, opinion, wants, needs, desires, dreams, goals etc........................

 

But most of all? I need a woman who's as committed to me ~ to "us" as I am. Who's not going to flake out on me, who's going to be there by me ~ by my side come Hell, damnation, hurricanes, hard times, bad times. Who's not going to walk out on me the first time she gets to feeling ~ "I'm not feeling it!"

 

And that's / those are the reasons I can ever so easily harden my heart to someone that decides to just up and walk out on me? Because I know that she's not the one for me! And personally I just don't have the years let alone the time to be wasting on someone as such!

 

I don't do threats, I don't do ultimatums, I don't do blackmail. I don't negotiate with mental and emotional terrorist!

 

You threaten me with walking out ~ leaving me ~ divorcing me?

 

I'm going to take a personal interest in making sure your dreams come true,

 

QUICK!

 

FAST!

 

and in a damn hurry like! :eek: :eek: :mad: :mad:

 

Unlike Monopoly or some other such?

 

I don't come with dice!

 

Don't PLAY with me! Because I will leave you little happy azz on the curb like a crying little school boy with his britches down around his legs who just dropped his ice cream comb!

 

If I'm trying to teach or show someone something? And they tell me "I've got this!"

 

I'll sit on the beach and watch the alligators and sharks have their way with you, all the while yelling ~ "You're RIGHT! You've got it! Your doing great! Keep going!"

 

Its just this simple! If you live to be 75 years old? You've got exactally 27,375 sunrises and sunsets over the course of your life. Me, myself and I? I've got exacatally NONE of those to waste on someone while they go off an "Find Themselves" or decide if they want to be with me!

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! Either be part of the freaking solution to the problem ~ part of the answer to the queston? Or be your happy azz GONE!