My former player boyfriend creeps on other girls on Facebook, Should I be Worried?

[whitneyblue]

So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months and I just found out that he's been creeping other girls on Facebook. he is formerly a HUGE player (never dated girls, only slept with them, and I'm pretty sure he's slept with more than 60, from what I've heard--he said he never kept count) But he has been a great boyfriend that I know of, he treats me amazingly..he's very attentive and appreciative etc. We have a great sex life, and as far as I knew ..we had a great relationship or so I thought.

 

So anyway, I thought I trusted him, and hadnt "checked up" on him at all until now, but I just had a friend get cheated on which kinda threw me off, and at the same time I noticed he has been adding alot more people who happen to be pretty girls.

 

The one I'm worried about is a girl that he knows and a couple months ago I remember she was out at a party we went to and I definitely got flirty vibes between the two of them, even while I was sitting right next to him.also He introduced me to a bunch of other people and when I was waiting for me to introduce me to her he didn't.

 

Anyway, I looked at his Internet history (I know, psycho) and I saw he looked through about 20 of her pictures, and DIRECTLY after he watched porn.

 

I don't care about him watching porn, but the thought that looking at this girl he knows made him horny enough to watch porn scares me a little. Am I being unreasonable?

[MrCastle]

Once a player...

[Maleficent]

So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months and I just found out that he's been creeping other girls on Facebook. he is formerly a HUGE player (never dated girls, only slept with them, and I'm pretty sure he's slept with more than 60, from what I've heard--he said he never kept count) But he has been a great boyfriend that I know of, he treats me amazingly..he's very attentive and appreciative etc. We have a great sex life, and as far as I knew ..we had a great relationship or so I thought.

 

So anyway, I thought I trusted him, and hadnt "checked up" on him at all until now, but I just had a friend get cheated on which kinda threw me off, and at the same time I noticed he has been adding alot more people who happen to be pretty girls.

 

The one I'm worried about is a girl that he knows and a couple months ago I remember she was out at a party we went to and I definitely got flirty vibes between the two of them, even while I was sitting right next to him.also He introduced me to a bunch of other people and when I was waiting for me to introduce me to her he didn't.

 

Anyway, I looked at his Internet history (I know, psycho) and I saw he looked through about 20 of her pictures, and DIRECTLY after he watched porn.

 

I don't care about him watching porn, but the thought that looking at this girl he knows made him horny enough to watch porn scares me a little. Am I being unreasonable?

 

I've bolded the points I want to address.

1- creeping other girls. He who never sinned may cast the first stone. In other words - unless you have never creeped other guys profile - I don't think you need to addres this with him.

 

2 - formely? did he say he was over the player stuff?

 

3 - great boyfriend, good relationship etc. You do realize that this man has been only sleeping with girls so far and is dating you? This means something about you makes him want to stick around.

 

4-a couple of months ago you started dating...so I don't see a problem here. Why he didn't introduced her to him - IDK maybe she was one of his 'dates'. Has he ever introduced you to another of his 'dates'?

 

5 - stop creeping his history. you need to start trusting him.

 

6 - watching porn - I'd much rather he watches porn and masturbates than runs to the girl he finds attractive.

 

7 - he is always going to find other girls attractive. What is important is that he doesn't sleep with them (or call out their name while having sex with you...)

 

My advice is - You've only been dating for 5 months. You shouldn't be having doubts about each other at this point. He chose to date you and if he wants to date another girl, he will. There isn't much you can do about that. for now you can only trust each other (and by going through his internet history, you are showing sign you cannot be trusted either)

 

Also, when men feel their girlfriend's trusts them - they don't want to let her go. So he'll make sure you won't.

 

I'm not being harsh here - just straight to the point.

Hope that helps

[Poppy fields]

Well, at least he is creeping on Facebook and not IRL. Bright side?

[Treasa]

I don't think I would like that. Especially in the first five months. I don't give a crap what Keith does, but I've been with him/known him for 16 years.

[whitneyblue]

He did say he was over the player stuff..he's said a few times that he would never cheat because he's old enough to know it's not important enough to throw away someone who means alot to him etc...

 

Which all well and good and somewhat comforting, but if you're really happy and you're not bored with the relationship etc., why are you thinking about other women? Not to mention adding her on facebook. If you know you're attracted to someone and that provides any sort of temptation to you, you shouldn't be adding them on Facebook. I guess I'll just never be able to understand that way of thinking.

 

@Maleficent, you did make some really great points that definitely helped, I guess I'm just going to try to let it go and hope for the best. I'd appreciate any other opinions though...

[Quiet Storm]

Why do you call him a "former" player? Because he has a girlfriend?

 

A lot of players have strong needs for validation and attention. Playing "the game", pursuing and getting a girl to sleep with him is very validating for him, which is why he does it so much.

 

People like this are rarely satisfied. They are like a bucket with a hole in it...you can never fill them up. He didn't sleep around because he was on a quest for the right woman, he slept around because he constantly needs ego strokes. Only new and different women provide the fix he's looking for.

 

He will love you, treat you well, have great sex with you, etc. but the novelty wears off and your attention is no longer validating for him. He already knows you want him and like him... so your attention doesn't give him the excitement that he craves. This doesn't mean his feelings for you are a lie. He can love you and your companionship, but still crave other women because HE HAS ISSUES.

 

This is not about you. It is 100% about him.

 

When you break up with him, he'll probably pursue you and try to "conquer" you again. Don't fall for it, as soon as you give in, he will be back to business, as usual.

[Sunshine87]

....always a player

[whitneyblue]

Why do you call him a "former" player? Because he has a girlfriend?

 

A lot of players have strong needs for validation and attention. Playing "the game", pursuing and getting a girl to sleep with him is very validating for him, which is why he does it so much.

 

People like this are rarely satisfied. They are like a bucket with a hole in it...you can never fill them up. He didn't sleep around because he was on a quest for the right woman, he slept around because he constantly needs ego strokes. Only new and different women provide the fix he's looking for.

 

He will love you, treat you well, have great sex with you, etc. but the novelty wears off and your attention is no longer validating for him. He already knows you want him and like him... so your attention doesn't give him the excitement that he craves. This doesn't mean his feelings for you are a lie. He can love you and your companionship, but still crave other women because HE HAS ISSUES.

 

This is not about you. It is 100% about him.

 

When you break up with him, he'll probably pursue you and try to "conquer" you again. Don't fall for it, as soon as you give in, he will be back to business, as usual.

 

Wow, that was depressing. -_- So you're saying NO guy who sleeps with alot of girls can EVER settle down? I do acknowledge (As does he) that he needs alot of attention. But to my knowledge he's a good guy and I don't think he would act on it. i just don't know if it's a problem that he THINKS about it.

Edited April 25, 2013 by whitneyblue

[whitneyblue]

I also didn't mention that he's going through some really intense issues right now...he just found out last week that his dad who has cancer is going off of chemo and will probably die soon..this is after he lost his mom a couple years ago too....so he's definitely been acting strangely . :\

[Jbum5]

Whitney, let's not be a lovesick fool here. A promiscuous male, most commonly dubbed as a player, will often seek out to fulfill his desires whether it's through his current partner or other accessible individuals. Blame it on a character flaw, blame it on lust; whatever it is, the end result is the fool that gets hurt. Do yourself a favor, don't be that fool.

 

That's not to say, however, that he will never settle. It simply means he may not be ready to settle now.

[whitneyblue]

I have never had this conversation in my entire life.

 

Do you know why that is?

 

Because cheating isn't something I have to consider, think about, ponder, discuss, explain, try and convince and promise someone it won't happen.

 

 

 

It shouldn't because I promise you... He will cheat.

I brought it up...I was telling him about my friend and her situation, and said he'd better not ever do it to me (somewhat jokingly). He was just responding to what I said. I appreciate you giving your opinion, but you can't say 100% with certainty that "he will cheat." You don't know him, or me, or the situation fully. I'm not saying that he will, but there's noone in this damn world that can say for sure that he will.

Edited April 25, 2013 by whitneyblue

[whitneyblue]

Have you ever looked at a guys Facebook page? Were you a virgin before your bf? If you answered yes and no respectively to those questions, then I suggest you stop being a hypocrite.

 

I really don't creep guys on the regular...lol i can think of MAYBE one time in the whole five months that I have...i just DON'T think of other guys. I'm really into my boyfriend. and I'm not saying that it's wrong that he DOES, at all. You control your actions, but you can't control your thoughts or desires. I just am bewildered as to how i should respond, and if i should be worried about my relationship and trusting him.

[ScreamingTrees]

I know a very attractive guy who dated a girl and ended up messing around on her on weekends away at some hour-away bar or club, and he's basically told me that he's 'not as bad as I used to be" or something to that effect. I like the guy, otherwise, but that's probably what's happening to you right now. Oh well, that's really just your decision.

 

Hopefully you've been using some sort of protection, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone like that unless I knew they weren't carrying something, I don't really trust anyone and I'm not getting an STD from some careless filthy douche bag, female or male.

 

Continue to vent, but after awhile people will probably forget or not care about your issue and just move on to the unreachable basement dwelling recurring thread starters of the board.

[CarboniteCammy]

Originally Posted by Mr. Soul

Have you ever looked at a guys Facebook page? Were you a virgin before your bf? If you answered yes and no respectively to those questions, then I suggest you stop being a hypocrite.

 

 

 

that is a whole lot of silly right there.

 

First off, no one can change the past. I know alot of men and women who have been "bad" boys and girls as young things, but mature greatly as adults and are capable of having mature relationships.

 

Secondly, making a note of your boyfriend's strange behavior does not make you a hypocrite. I'm not sure what Mr Soul meant by that, or why he brought up whether you were a virgin before you met your boyfriend. That has no bearing on your current situation.

 

Your boyfriend's CURRENT behavior is concerning, regardless of who he was in a past life.

 

My suggestion is since you are only dating and you are already questioning your relationship, that you consider ending it and find someone who makes you feel more comfortable.

 

Constantly having to watch your back is no way to be and it hinders the natural progression of the relationship.

[xpaperxcutx]

A person's behavior is a very tell-tale sign of themselves as a person. If he said he was a big player in the past then you have every right to believe him, but for him to try to convince you he's a changed man would require time and actions for him to show you he's changed. He has not done this.

 

His continued presence on FB and befriending all these unknown girls are a sign he's "shopping around". Maybe this does not mean he's cheating, but does it mean he's looking to cheat? From my understanding, a man looking to cheat must first have options. By constantly going around "friending" pretty girls, I can see he's looking to open up his options.

 

I'm not condemning him as a cheater, but if I were you, I would be pretty disrespected by his actions. I have different and beliefs and values and I would find having a SO who acts like this to be very inconsiderate towards me and our relationship.

 

I have to advise that if you have an issue with someone's behaviour, have to courage to call them out. Don't become a doormat thinking a certain behaviour is okay.

[RedRobin]

How long has your BF been a recovering 'player'?

 

I'm asking because old habits die hard. Much like addicts of any kind, many of them will slip back into old habit patterns when things get rough.

 

Unless they sincerely want to change their ways for THEMSELVES (not for another person)... AND they demonstrate over a very long period that they have changed those habits... I'm sorry... you really are taking a huge risk by dating a guy with that background.

 

Regarding your behavior though. It is obvious you don't trust him. I'm sure you have reason not to trust him based on his past behavior with women. Still, you went into this relationship knowing the risk. If you can't trust him, then I'm afraid it is time to let him go.

 

It's not respectful to him and it is a waste of your time, IMHO, to spend your time snooping.

[whitneyblue]

I honestly think every time someone on this site tells a guy or gal to end things with their SO they should have to post their current relationship status. I have a feeling that a lot of single people on here are miserable and want others to join them. Misery loves company. (not saying that's you Cammy) I just think it's odd how often and over seemingly trivial stuff people tell someone else to ditch their bf or gf

 

I agree with this. It's not something I take lightly at all. i haven't found anyone who I like enough to date in about 3 years and this is someone I genuinely care about, not some statistic. According to him he cares about me immensely, which is why it's confusing to me. he recently found out that his father who has cancer is being taken off of chemo and will probably pass away soon-- the other day I came home to find him upset and not making a whole lot of sense verbally, but one of the only things he would say was to ask me if i would go with him to spend time with his dad because he'd be extremely upset if his dad passed away without getting to know me, because i mean so much to him. Just an example but it felt so genuine to me, it's hard to believe that he's looking for other women if he really feels that way though. Legitimately confused :\

 

Basically It's just a question for me of whether he's doing it because I'm not the right girl for him or because ...that's just what some dudes do. If it's the latter, then I don't care at all (well, not much).

Edited April 25, 2013 by whitneyblue

[Maleficent]

I agree with this. It's not something I take lightly at all. i haven't found anyone who I like enough to date in about 3 years and this is someone I genuinely care about, not some statistic. According to him he cares about me immensely, which is why it's confusing to me. he recently found out that his father who has cancer is being taken off of chemo and will probably pass away soon-- the other day I came home to find him upset and not making a whole lot of sense verbally, but one of the only things he would say was to ask me if i would go with him to spend time with his dad because he'd be extremely upset if his dad passed away without getting to know me, because i mean so much to him. Just an example but it felt so genuine to me, it's hard to believe that he's looking for other women if he really feels that way though. Legitimately confused :\

 

Basically It's just a question for me of whether he's doing it because I'm not the right girl for him or because ...that's just what some dudes do. If it's the latter, then I don't care at all (well, not much).

 

Well some people are miserable and like to make other people miserable. I'm also in a weird situation and most people tell me to give up. While my situation is really confusing, my gut feeling is telling not to give up just yet.

 

I think you should give this guy a chance at trusting him.

[veggirl]

Why don't you ask him about her? "Who was that girl you flirted with at the party and didn't introduce me to?"

 

I mean seriously. Why not ask?

 

I'd never date a guy who flirted with other girls in front of me and then FB stalked them. He obviously has a crush on her, hopefully for your sake its not reciprocated....

 

and ftr, Mr Soul, I'm in a happy relationship of 2 yrs this summer and have never been ignored by my bf in favor of another woman.

[whitneyblue]

Why don't you ask him about her? "Who was that girl you flirted with at the party and didn't introduce me to?"

 

I mean seriously. Why not ask?

 

I'd never date a guy who flirted with other girls in front of me and then FB stalked them. He obviously has a crush on her, hopefully for your sake its not reciprocated....

 

and ftr, Mr Soul, I'm in a happy relationship of 2 yrs this summer and have never been ignored by my bf in favor of another woman.

 

Lol, let's not go so far as to say a "Crush." It was over two months ago that he was talking to her at the party and he hasn't seen her since and as far as i know hasnt spoken with her. He just added her on facebook on sunday and went through her pictures that day...i mean i'm not happy about it but i don't think he has a serious "crush" on her...maybe just thinks she's hot? Also, he doesn't "ignore" me. The issue is exactly what i said it was, that he went through all of her pictures on facebook and clearly is attracted to her. Doesn't mean he's any less attracted to me.

[whitneyblue]

Not going to jump and break up with him just because he looked, because he didn't message anyone anything bad at all on facebook, not sure about text..(although he gave me his phone password without me asking..) i really appreciate everyone's opinions, thanks. I am not going to do or say anything for a couple weeks and just observe our relationship now that I am a little more aware of things, and then make my decision.

Edited April 26, 2013 by whitneyblue

[veggirl]

Okay my bad when you said he was flirting with her right in front of you, I figured that meant instead of talking to you/engaging with you.

Are you guys "facebook official?"

are you already living with him? (you said you came home to him in a bad mood or whatever?)

 

well I didn't say to straight up dump him but yes i think you should have asked him why he was flirting with her. how well does he know this girl? I assume not very well if they weren't even fb friends up until recently?

[whitneyblue]

Okay my bad when you said he was flirting with her right in front of you, I figured that meant instead of talking to you/engaging with you.

Are you guys "facebook official?"

are you already living with him? (you said you came home to him in a bad mood or whatever?)

 

well I didn't say to straight up dump him but yes i think you should have asked him why he was flirting with her. how well does he know this girl? I assume not very well if they weren't even fb friends up until recently?

Well he was sitting with me, and talked to her for about 3-4 minutes total, didn't say anything bad, more like "how have you been" kind of thing, just the WAY that he was talking to her i.e. his tone, expression etc. and the way she looked at him and completely ignored me implied a flirty context. We've been FBO since day one, he was the one who initiated that and he posts pictures of us on facebook etc..he doesn't hide the fact that he's with me.

And no we don't live together, that was just easier than typing that I "came over to his house."

Edited April 26, 2013 by whitneyblue

[ja123]

I don't know if he will cheat or not.

 

Right now, though, his father is dying. Maybe by looking at the girl and fantasizing, and then watching porn is his way of escaping a bit. What Quiet Storm said may not be untrue, in some regards. It sounds like he might (or might have) use sex not only for validation but to escape. Like someone who takes drugs.

 

However, as it stands, what he has done is mild. It's something for you to keep an eye on though.

 

If something, such as his not introducing you to a girl he shows interest in at a party happens again, then it needs to be addressed very soon afterwards. Not two months later. This is so things don't build up inside you. And you don't have to be all accusatory either. Just say, "I noticed X happened. Why?" And just listen.