My former player boyfriend creeps on other girls on Facebook, Should I be Worried?

[Dana1313]

Ok...I am still dealing with a heartbreak of almost 4 years...cheating on me multiple times...the fb epidemic of adding attractive women...men will tell you that you are imagining things...trust your gut...all I can say is that this man wants to have his cake and eat it too...don't waste your time...it never gets better. Pull yourself together and leave before you are too into it..the more you allow the emotional abuse to continue, the more you will begin to self-deprecate!!! Your story touched my heart..I know how you feel! Get rid of the a-hole..QUICK!

[whitneyblue]

Ok...I am still dealing with a heartbreak of almost 4 years...cheating on me multiple times...the fb epidemic of adding attractive women...men will tell you that you are imagining things...trust your gut...all I can say is that this man wants to have his cake and eat it too...don't waste your time...it never gets better. Pull yourself together and leave before you are too into it..the more you allow the emotional abuse to continue, the more you will begin to self-deprecate!!! Your story touched my heart..I know how you feel! Get rid of the a-hole..QUICK!

 

Thats the thing, My gut tells me he's a good guy and what we have is real. My first instinct is to think that looking at a girls pictures on Facebook is no different than checking a girl out on the street. He doesn't message them or act on it at all....I just wanted to hear what other people thought about it.

[Quiet Storm]

Wow, that was depressing. -_- So you're saying NO guy who sleeps with alot of girls can EVER settle down? I do acknowledge (As does he) that he needs alot of attention. But to my knowledge he's a good guy and I don't think he would act on it. i just don't know if it's a problem that he THINKS about it.

 

It's not that men like this can never settle down. They can and do.

 

Many times, though, meeting "the one" isn't usually the catalyst for change. Usually what happens is that men like this will meet a girl they consider "the one" and begin a relationship with her. Then after a few months, the novelty wears off and her attention isn't as validating. Then he will seek out other women for attention by flirting, pursuing, or even cheating. Usually when his girlfriend finds out and he loses her, he realizes he has a problem and becomes more introspective about his need for attention/ validation. The consequences become a catalyst for change.

 

When someone (man or woman) is a huge flirt and has lots of short lived relationships or FWB, AND they seem to thrive on or get "charged" by interactions with the opposite sex, I often draw the conclusion that attention and validation are huge needs for them. These types have no problem meeting people because they are so outgoing, but their "outgoingness" isn't about meeting new people because they appreciate a variety of personalities... it about them and their issues, and finding new sources of attention.

 

When you are choosing a partner, it is important to consider what they need to feel content in a relationship, and if you can realistically meet those needs. It's not just about if you like them or "connect" with them. In my experience, people with strong attention/validation needs are less satisfied and less content in relationships. Many of them simply don't make good partners. A secure, mature, emotionally healthy person can self validate, and outside attention from others is not sought out. They feel content, satisfied & happy, regardless of the amount of attention they get from others.

 

I understand that you feel you have found something special with him and want to give him a chance.

 

The thing I would watch for with him is honesty. If he has a strong character and integrity and honesty are important to him, then he is less likely to act on his impulses. He may feel the need to flirt or pursue, but his conscience will stop him from acting on it. If you catch him in lies, even small ones that aren't about women, then I would say he is more likely to cheat. We know he has a weakness for attention...but is the pull so strong that he disregards the feelings of others? That is the key, IMO. Can his strong character keep his weakness in check? That's what you need to find out.

 

Almost all men will find other women attractive. That is perfectly normal and healthy behavior. Men that are content in their relationships & have a secure sense of self will make note of a hot woman, maybe even have a fleeting thought of seeing her naked or wonder how she is in bed...but they won't flirt or pursue.

 

The need for validation can push a man over the line, because he needs that feedback from her. It's not enough to just appreciate a hot woman...that is not validating. He must interact with her, lock eyes, guage her reactions, flirt, banter, make her smile, etc., because that what makes him feel good.

 

I would set clear boundaries with him, and tell him what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to flirting or interactions with the opposite sex. Don't be controlling and say "you aren't allowed to talk to girls", but frame it in way that shows him that you know you deserve better from him. "I need a boyfriend that doesn't flirt with other women because it's not considerate of my feelings."

 

Also, understand that in order to have sex with 60+ women without being in a relationship, he is probably a real smooth talker. So I would tell you, watch his actions, not his words. He's had A LOT of practice talking to women, so it may not be easy to spot a lie. Make sure his actions are matching his words.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[whitneyblue]

It's not that men like this can never settle down. They can and do.

 

Many times, though, meeting "the one" isn't usually the catalyst for change. Usually what happens is that men like this will meet a girl they consider "the one" and begin a relationship with her. Then after a few months, the novelty wears off and her attention isn't as validating. Then he will seek out other women for attention by flirting, pursuing, or even cheating. Usually when his girlfriend finds out and he loses her, he realizes he has a problem and becomes more introspective about his need for attention/ validation. The consequences become a catalyst for change.

 

When someone (man or woman) is a huge flirt and has lots of short lived relationships or FWB, AND they seem to thrive on or get "charged" by interactions with the opposite sex, I often draw the conclusion that attention and validation are huge needs for them. These types have no problem meeting people because they are so outgoing, but their "outgoingness" isn't about meeting new people because they appreciate a variety of personalities... it about them and their issues, and finding new sources of attention.

 

When you are choosing a partner, it is important to consider what they need to feel content in a relationship, and if you can realistically meet those needs. It's not just about if you like them or "connect" with them. In my experience, people with strong attention/validation needs are less satisfied and less content in relationships. Many of them simply don't make good partners. A secure, mature, emotionally healthy person can self validate, and outside attention from others is not sought out. They feel content, satisfied & happy, regardless of the amount of attention they get from others.

 

I understand that you feel you have found something special with him and want to give him a chance.

 

The thing I would watch for with him is honesty. If he has a strong character and integrity and honesty are important to him, then he is less likely to act on his impulses. He may feel the need to flirt or pursue, but his conscience will stop him from acting on it. If you catch him in lies, even small ones that aren't about women, then I would say he is more likely to cheat. We know he has a weakness for attention...but is the pull so strong that he disregards the feelings of others? That is the key, IMO. Can his strong character keep his weakness in check? That's what you need to find out.

 

Almost all men will find other women attractive. That is perfectly normal and healthy behavior. Men that are content in their relationships & have a secure sense of self will make note of a hot woman, maybe even have a fleeting thought of seeing her naked or wonder how she is in bed...but they won't flirt or pursue.

 

The need for validation can push a man over the line, because he needs that feedback from her. It's not enough to just appreciate a hot woman...that is not validating. He must interact with her, lock eyes, guage her reactions, flirt, banter, make her smile, etc., because that what makes him feel good.

 

I would set clear boundaries with him, and tell him what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to flirting or interactions with the opposite sex. Don't be controlling and say "you aren't allowed to talk to girls", but frame it in way that shows him that you know you deserve better from him. "I need a boyfriend that doesn't flirt with other women because it's not considerate of my feelings."

 

Also, understand that in order to have sex with 60+ women without being in a relationship, he is probably a real smooth talker. So I would tell you, watch his actions, not his words. He's had A LOT of practice talking to women, so it may not be easy to spot a lie. Make sure his actions are matching his words.

 

Thanks. I think you're pretty spot on with everything that you said, and you pretty much described him to a T. What you said about whether his character is strong enough to overpower his weakness makes alot of sense, and I think it's still too early for me to tell that at this point. To all appearances thus far it seems that way...from being friends with him before we got together I know he's extremely loyal to his friends and family, and his past relationships (prior to him losing his mom which I think was the start of his sleeping around with different girls) were fairly long relationships, 2 and 3 years. In spite of that, I'm aware that he has some pretty big issues. He definitely has some emotional walls up, which he completely acknowledges, and just says it "doesn't mean he cares about me any less," which I find hard to believe, because the whole definition of having walls is that you don't allow yourself to care about someone. He blames it on the people that he's cared about "leaving" him (I.e both of his parents dying). It feels like Every now and then Ill get a glimpse of the real him, but 80% of the time he is intensely guarded. It's a tough situation. :/

Edited April 29, 2013 by whitneyblue

[whitneyblue]

I agree with QuietStorm but the problem is the reverse situation posed (a woman who flirts with other men because she has attention needs and would change if she met the right guy) is never viewed as positively. Nobody would bank on her "having good character and doing the right thing." Men on this site bash a woman to death who does the same thing as the OP's guy. Whitneyblue, I strongly encourage you to search for threads on this site about a boyfriend's girl showing this sort of behavior and read the responses of men. She is called slutty, attention-whorish and untrustworthy. I never see a response that says "maybe she'll meet the right guy and itll be a catalyst for her to change" EVER

 

Conclusion: Women are held to higher standards in terms of respectful behavior than men. People are much more likely to make excuses for men that act this way rather than women.

 

I call bull****. Men also act this way and get away with it more because women ENABLE it. You sound like an enabler OP. Im not trying to be mean, just honest.

 

You raise a good point on behalf of many people I'm sure. After honestly stopping to think about it and how I would feel regarding the same situation with a woman, I can't in good conscience say that I think it would, without exceptions make a girl a whore or a slutty immoral person. Are they ACTING slutty? definitely. I look at it the same way though. Would some people hold the biased view you speak of? Definitely, but I am not one of them. Maybe an over willingness to find fault in women is where the problem lies as far as that is concerned. That's a whole nother issue. Do I need to set clear boundaries as mentioned? Definitely. It's been a couple months, but if I do see him flirt again I will without doubt approach the situation and give him a clear idea of what I will, and will not accept in the relationship.

Edited April 29, 2013 by whitneyblue

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with QuietStorm but the problem is the reverse situation posed (a woman who flirts with other men because she has attention needs and would change if she met the right guy) is never viewed as positively. Nobody would bank on her "having good character and doing the right thing." Men on this site bash a woman to death who does the same thing as the OP's guy. Whitneyblue, I strongly encourage you to search for threads on this site about a boyfriend's girl showing this sort of behavior and read the responses of men. She is called slutty, attention-whorish and untrustworthy. I never see a response that says "maybe she'll meet the right guy and itll be a catalyst for her to change" EVER

 

Conclusion: Women are held to higher standards in terms of respectful behavior than men. People are much more likely to make excuses for men that act this way rather than women.

 

I call bull****. Men also act this way and get away with it more because women ENABLE it. You sound like an enabler OP. Im not trying to be mean, just honest.

 

 

I don't understand what society's standards for women have to do with this post. It's about a guy.

 

I don't regard OP's boyfriends actions as positive, and I do honestly feel he will probably let her down eventually. But OP said he treats her well, admits his weakness, and she seems to really want to pursue a relationship with him. I wanted to post in a way that is respectful of her feelings for him, but also show her what she is up against. I want her to know what to look for, actions vs. words, etc.

 

I always view the need for attention and validation as a potential problem, regardless of gender. People make excuses for women that do this all the time, so I don't agree with your assessment. Daddy issues and sexual abuse are the main issues that I see that cause people to sympathize with women that do this. Many men have girlfriends like this and excuse their behavior as "she's just a flirt" or "she's so outgoing, the life of the party".

 

Men & women that crave attention and external validation are less likely to remain content in a relationship. They will often surround themselves with ego strokers, so there are always others on the peripheral to go to for attention. If they are dishonest people, who do not value honest & integrity, they will cheat. If they are honest people that acknowledge and address their weaknesses, and set strong boundaries to protect their relationship, they can overcome this.

[whitneyblue]

I have never seen someone sympathize with the reverse situation in this specific forum. The men dont generally give a crap about her sexual abuse history. I have never seen a response that said "oh she flirts alot but she has been abused so Ill let it slide." Perhaps we are reading different sites, because I sure as hell dont see that here. The men on this forum tend to be very negative about any female behavior that hints untrustworthiness.

 

It is pertinent. Women are more likely to excuse this behavior than men are. Yes, this post is about a guy but I generally dont think its fair for women to be expected to put up with this more than men. Its a definite double standard. Pretty much in any situation I think itd a good idea to think about how the other person would respond. Why should the OP tolerate this behavior when chances are, he wouldnt tolerate this behavior from her?

 

I once dated a guy who I worked with a few months and he made comments several times about my bosses- which one was hotter than the other and then he'd go into specifics. In general, he made disrespectful comments about females in my life. For ****s and giggles, I started doing the same to him. I didnt do it as often as he did or as rudely...didnt matter. He flipped a **** and told me I was a rude girl. He did others things too, so odds are the OP's guy will start showing other disrespectful behaviors in fact Id bet good $ on it, but this attitude led me to break up with him. He admitted after I broke up with him hes a hypocrite to call me rude when he showed that behavior more consistently than me.

 

Dont ever date someone who cant take what they dish out to others. Being selfish and not sensitive towards others drives this behavior...you really want to invest time into someone like that? Esp. when youve only been dating a few months? If you enjoy drama and entitlement in other people- go for it.

 

Lol. My boyfriend is the most easygoing, least jealous person I've ever come in contact with. He would probably figure out why I was doing in about three seconds and then call me on it, not "flip out."

It's so funny to see people who think they know everything "guarantee" and swear up and down that they "are certain" of things I know 100% in my gut, from BEING in the actual situation, are not true. I've been through hell and back with the different guys that I've dated and have experienced the ups and downs of relationships--I've had terrible ones and great ones...and from reading the responses to this, I've come to realize one thing: I'm mature and smart enough to figure this one out without the help of people who don't know myself or my boyfriend. I know exactly what I'm up against and I know he knows it too, but I also have faith that underneath it my boyfriend is an amazingly good hearted person who is aware of his issues and that he's strong enough to overcome them. I thoroughly appreciate your post, QuietStorm, and I also appreciate your warning that there's it good chance it won't work out, but i also am fully aware of the fact that i have casually "went on dates" with so many different men, yet ive remained single for three years before him because i simply could not find anyone with whom i felt right. I know hes completely and utterly different than anyone ive ever met before...i know that in spite of his issues, he is a mature, honest and sweet person, and i thoroughly believe that sometimes, what you expect of someone is what they will give to you, whether it be positive or negative. Sometimes people just need someone to believe in them.

[whitneyblue]

You just admitted he would call you out on it though (in 3 seconds)...yet you're not doing the same though hes done it repeatedly. See?

 

He's done it once since we've been in a relationship. Ive since brought it up and he told me that he hadnt been purposefully trying to flirt and it was just second nature to him, and he apologized. And by call me on it I mean figure out what I was doing.

[Quiet Storm]

I have never seen someone sympathize with the reverse situation in this specific forum. The men dont generally give a crap about her sexual abuse history. I have never seen a response that said "oh she flirts alot but she has been abused so Ill let it slide." Perhaps we are reading different sites, because I sure as hell dont see that here. The men on this forum tend to be very negative about any female behavior that hints untrustworthiness.

 

It is pertinent. Women are more likely to excuse this behavior than men are. Yes, this post is about a guy but I generally dont think its fair for women to be expected to put up with this more than men. Its a definite double standard. Pretty much in any situation I think itd a good idea to think about how the other person would respond. Why should the OP tolerate this behavior when chances are, he wouldnt tolerate this behavior from her?

 

I once dated a guy who I worked with a few months and he made comments several times about my bosses- which one was hotter than the other and then he'd go into specifics. In general, he made disrespectful comments about females in my life. For ****s and giggles, I started doing the same to him. I didnt do it as often as he did or as rudely...didnt matter. He flipped a **** and told me I was a rude girl. He did others things too, so odds are the OP's guy will start showing other disrespectful behaviors in fact Id bet good $ on it, but this attitude led me to break up with him. He admitted after I broke up with him hes a hypocrite to call me rude when he showed that behavior more consistently than me.

 

Dont ever date someone who cant take what they dish out to others. Being selfish and not sensitive towards others drives this behavior...you really want to invest time into someone like that? Esp. when youve only been dating a few months? If you enjoy drama and entitlement in other people- go for it.

 

There will always be double standards, hypocritical people and things that just aren't fair. Nothing will change that. I still fail to see how that is pertinent to the OPs relationship?

 

OP said her boyfriend treated her well. She didn't say anything about him being hypocritical or him not taking what he's dishing out. I think you're projecting. I agree that he's not good boyfriend material, but she wants to give him a chance. I offered her some insight so that she is more prepared to deal with him. Do I think this will work out? No, but she's an adult and can make her own choice.

 

kimberlydoll, it doesn't always have to be a competition of man vs. woman or tit for tat. Relationships aren't tally sheets or score cards. I think it's sad that you feel that way. We all have our own issues and our own stories. I think most men on loveshack that warn other men about flirty women have good intentions, and are only trying to protect other men from potentional hurt & pain... just like you are doing with your warning to women about hypocrites. In my experience, men are often more harsh & direct with their communication style, and women are more likely to be more sensitive to a person's feelings. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

[The Shepherd]

Ok...I am still dealing with a heartbreak of almost 4 years...cheating on me multiple times...the fb epidemic of adding attractive women...men will tell you that you are imagining things...trust your gut...all I can say is that this man wants to have his cake and eat it too...don't waste your time...it never gets better. Pull yourself together and leave before you are too into it..the more you allow the emotional abuse to continue, the more you will begin to self-deprecate!!! Your story touched my heart..I know how you feel! Get rid of the a-hole..QUICK!

 

I am hoping the experience made you a smart and better person.

[aussietigerwolf]

listen to your gut and not your heart is all i can add.