Are initial impressions everything?

[Jowee]

Ok so about 4 1/2 months ago I met this girl, I met her online (I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about that). We have been hanging out pretty consistently during this time but there is an interesting dynamic between the two of us and I am not really sure how to handle everything.

 

So we are both gender variant, I was born male but now I identify as gender queer which means I identify just as much as a guy as a girl (yes I am on HRT for those who are curious or even know what that means, and again I don't really care what anyone thinks about that). She is gender fluid, which means sometimes she is very masculine and sometimes very feminine, and sometimes she is in the middle like me... this can change from moment to moment but sometimes it will be one way or the other for extended periods of time.

 

The reason I brought those details up is because I am not sure if the standard guy > girl wisdom completely applies to us. Ok that being said onto the details...

 

Like 3 weeks after first starting to hang out with her I told her I liked her and she said that she wasn't attracted to me. Fine cool, no problem... at the time she was just some girl I knew and it was no big deal. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that.

 

But I don't care about the whole being put in the friend zone thing its not like it insults my masculinity or anything (lol), and I did enjoy hanging out with her so I didn't want to just disappear because she rejected me. So we definitely continued to hang out... but less frequently (I have to protect myself somewhat right? well that didn't really work which I will get to later).

 

So over the last few months we've had our share of ups and downs... we have had several intense fights. Sometimes about stupid crap and sometimes it was serious infractions on my part or hers. They always ended up resulting in these epically long arguments/discussions... I am talking like 9pm to 5am straight talking kind of thing (on a work night, basically foregoing sleep to deal with it). We have always managed to patch things up and each time we walk away with a better understanding of each other and a new found respect.

 

Well recently it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized that I have completely fallen in love with this girl (like I said, my efforts to protect myself failed miserably). It just so happens that this realization happened to occur right after I pissed her off about something (I didn't even know I did)... queue the epic discussion. This time it was definitely my fault even though I had no idea what I had said made her angry and that definitely wasn't my intention.

 

Well I was feeling like crap about it and decided to hand write her an apology letter because I felt it was necessary. In retrospect the letter was probably more for me than it was for her (she has not read the letter, and I plan to keep it that way). However on the back of the letter I drew her a picture, it was badly drawn because I am a terrible artist and it was super cheesy but had a lot of symbolism baked into it. Love makes us do stupid cheesy childish stuff... it's ridiculous (I am almost 25 she is 23, like really? a letter and a cheesy drawing LOL geez I am such a dork). Sadly its even more ridiculous because we are both virgins and both have never been in a relationship... so yea the situation can be a little ridiculous because neither one of us really knows what to do (and we both have crappy self esteem).

 

Anyway we finally had our long conversation and made up... and afterwords I basically poured myself out on the table for her. I said everything except that I am in love with her (I didn't want to scare her). But with all I said I think it should have been painfully obvious that I am crazy about her. I then sent her an email with a scan of the drawing I had made for her, I was embarrassed but the meaning of it was important to me.

 

So the next day I got a text from her saying that she was glad that we made up and that she liked my picture... then in the same text she invited me to go out to karaoke with her and her best friend. This blew my mind for a couple reasons... 24 hours prior she was hating my guts, she also has never invited me out EVER it has always been me making the effort, finally I have never met any of her friends... up until this point it has always been just me and her or me her and my friends.

 

So we went out to karaoke night, I did some drinking (I like to drink she doesn't drink and prefers pot) she sang some karaoke (bone sober, don't ask me how she does it, I have no idea). I also met her friend she has known for 10 years, it's her oldest/best friend... although she told me later she hangs out with me even more than her which is strange to me.

 

Anyway it was a great night... there were some other small details but those could just be in my head (like she seemed to sit right up against me the whole night, which she has never done... but that could have been because I was in the middle and she might have wanted to be closer to her friend idk... don't want to put to much stock in that one).

 

One final detail before I get to my question. On several occasions we have talked about the nature of friendships and relationships and she has told me that she doesn't see how it is possible that people could be in a relationship who weren't close friends first. I feel the same way on that one... but I think a good bit of society frowns on that idea (hence the whole friendzone concept).

 

Anyway, so do you think maybe this girl is starting to change her tune when it comes to me or is it just in my head? Although it would make me stupidly happy to be with her I am still looking elsewhere, its not like I am putting all my eggs in one basket... but I have never felt so strongly for someone before so if it is possible I would like to pursue a relationship with her. However considering all the details I am not sure how to actually do this... I cant be an "alpha male" because that's not me and I am not going to try some stupid ploy to "seduce" her (my guy friends give good advice sometimes, but sometimes I just have to role my eyes). I need to be myself with her, but at the same time I would like to turn up the heat (not in a sexual way mind you)... but only if I can do it in a way that wont drive her away (that might be impossible).

 

Any advice, or should I just say screw it and move on? Is it really possible for people to "grow" on each other or is her initial impression pretty much it.

 

One final note on the alpha male thing... if I even tried any of that crap with her, she would sense it and immediately switch into guy mode and try to "out man" me... and she would win, because frankly she makes a better guy than me. Seriously... its not an easy situation.

 

oh and btw in my post when I said "guy > girl" interactions I meant it like "guy to girl" interaction, not "guy greater than girl" interaction... when I reread that I was like, oops not the best choice there (sorry).

Edited April 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[carhill]

OP, you might wish to read the postings or inquire within the threads of member 'MrLonelyone', who often posts on such issues and is transgendered.

 

My 'old fart' advice is to enjoy the moment and try to refrain from attaching expectations. You can choose to channel your feelings in many ways. They're out there now so relax and let time and events proceed. The outcome is unknown. Good luck.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am allot like you OP. I am also a born male gender variant person. Most of the women I get involved with are gender variant in a way...tomboyish at least.

 

The thing about relationships is that they are to be enjoyed. If you do not enjoy relating to a person then what's the point? Just relax and keep it light. Take each day and action as they come. Decide if the situation is one you want to be involved with. Then act accordingly.

 

The more you close your hand the more they slip through you're fingers.

[Jowee]

yea I don't have expectations here... I know that what I would like to happen and what actually will happen are two very different things. Besides I wouldn't want her to do something that isn't right for her, I care too much about her to make her feel like she should or anything like that.

 

I don't however want to ignore things that could be significant because I am confused or because of things that were said a long time ago. It is a very odd situation with so many factors... you are probably right that I should just keep doing my thing and see what happens. The waiting game sucks, but that might be all I can actually do.

 

She knows I have feelings for her so the ball really is in her court... but what if she just lacks the confidence to reciprocate? She was actually quite surprised when I told her how I felt, she didn't even want to believe that someone could actually think of her that way (I think I may be the first to ever show interest in her like this).

[Jefezen]

First impressions aren't everything. Second, third, and fourth impressions matter too. I say this as someone who seems to make a good first impression on most women (to the point where they ask me out) but loses them by the fourth date.

[Jowee]

First impressions aren't everything. Second, third, and fourth impressions matter too. I say this as someone who seems to make a good first impression on most women (to the point where they ask me out) but loses them by the fourth date.

 

Sorry about that! I can't even get that far for what it is worth... so to clarify my point if a girl says no on first impression... is that it? is there pretty much no hope in that ever changing? I know the odds are probably slim to none but yea you get my point.

 

I am thinking the best thing I can do is keep looking elsewhere but keep friendly contact with this person. Which is pretty much what I have been doing up until me spilling my guts the other day... so I will go back to that and see what happens (who knows I may find someone I fall for even harder and actually reciprocates those feelings).