Im affraid to date

[loser]

Hi, Im 28 and Im affraid to date. I was dumped by a girl that I really, really loved about three years ago and Im affraid and pretty much uninterested in finding someone new. I think about my X too much and seem to take every chance I get to relive the pain she has caused me. Im beginning to think the problem is with me and not that i lost the girl I was "meant" to be with. Now, every girl I meet seems dishonest or just plain slutty. I have only had that one girlfriend in my whole life and think that that makes me undateable because Im to much of a loser. I keep waiting for her to come back to me, but I know that wont happen and it prolly wouldn't be a good thing even if it did. meanwhile, Im still alone. Any advice? besides "get over it", Loser

[Paulie]

You make the decision that you are a loser.

 

YOU YOU YOU make the decision that you are a loser.

 

Myself, I used to think this way, too. I used to let other people give me a sense of validation and self-esteem, too. But I found that ABSOLUTELY NOBODY is consistent enough to provide me with this sense of validation on a consistent basis, other than myself.

 

Now, you're still thinking about your ex. You know why? Because there's nothing going on in YOUR life...you're not creating HOPE for yourself. The human psychology does not like a vaccuum. What I mean by this is that if there's no events occurring in the present that fulfill and stimulate you, the mind is flooded by feelings of past events.

 

It's YOUR choice to accept this sort of validation, or lack thereof from others.

 

I've been there. The solution, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt, MUST come from within. You're going to have to realize that the world is a cruel place, and the only way for you to be happy is to TAKE CHARGE. Don't be afraid of women, goddamnit! Just decide not to be...at it's purest form, it IS a decision. The more you force yourself into challenging situations (ie, asking women out, and even getting rejected some of the time) the more that you will see that that power lies within you, and the UPWARD cycle perpetuates.

 

Fear, and pining also perpetuate themselves. You, and anybody else, for that matter, makes that choice. Myself, I prefer to choose the former option, but it wasn't until lots of struggling in needless pessimism that I saw the light of day.

 

Now...you might feel that you're unworthy, or pathetic, or such. The only way out of this is what I have often refered to on this site as "fake it to make it." I've touched upon this concept earlier in this post. If you don't feel confident, or you feel scared, FEIGN IT. FAKE IT. Don't be afraid to pretend to act cool and confident. Personally, I don't see anything at all phony or dishonorable about this. It's the first step in regaining your dignity, self-respect, and confidence that will ultimately result in the solidification of GENUINE manifestations of these qualities. Trust me, I've been through this...exactly this. You will win.

 

---------------------------

 

Man, I've been absolutely bogged down by work this week, and haven't been able to post here all week. But if you scroll back a week or so, you'll see that I generally respond to a majority of posts. I only responded to your post, because it really jumped out at me. The solution is SIMPLE, really.

 

It's YOUR CHOICE. Choose strength, or get walked on the rest of your life.

 

Paulie

[Loui]

There are a lot of nice girls out there, even better than your X. If the break up was your fault, just analyze what you might have done better, learn your lesson, and get yourself a decent girl and treat her nice. If you are not confident in yourself that you can take care of a relationship, then maybe you should not date at all, or just date "slutty" girls. I suggest, you find yourself a girl, not in bars or night clubs, unless you want slutty girls.

 

Just because it did not work out with one girl, does not mean you can not date.

 

I am 23, and I dated 3 girls. I thought I was "meant" to be with each one of them, but I guess I was wrong...I lost one after another. Now I am single, but still looking, learning from past mistakes.

[Tony T]

With your attitude, it's no wonder you got dumped by your ex. Women want confident, self assured, reliant MEN, not wimpish wussies with negative self worth.

 

Now, if you ever decide to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, let go of your ex, and start thinking a lot more of yourself you will have more great ladies than you know what to do with.

 

As long as you think so little of yourself, you will only attract women you will think little of. That's just the way it works.

 

In case nobody ever told you, life is not fair sometimes. It doesn't always work out the way we want. If you are going to jump overboard everytime there's a crisis, you may as well stay home and watch Mr. Rogers reruns. It's so much different in the Magic Kingdom.

[Nic]

take it from a girl - if you think you are loser, you will act like a loser, and it will seep out of your pores and no girl will want to show any interest.

 

just because you have only ever had one girlfriend in your life does not make you undateable. i would rather date a guy who's only had one or two girlfriends than date a serial monogamist.

 

you have many qualities within you that many a girl will fall for. but if you walk around with the attitude of a loser, they will run a mile, because they won't see these qualities. trust me, i am a girl, and confidence and acceptance of oneself - good and not so good points - is very sexy. (although overconfidence is a right put-off).

 

don't let one bad experience make you uncomfortable in your own skin. there are many girls out there who are not dishonest and slutty. you're probably just looking in the wrong places and looking too hard. at least you know which chicks you don't want, so you're heading somewhere already.

 

think about yourself as a person, what you have to offer, drop the word "loser" from your vocabulary, accept that you and your ex would not work together, and that special person will come along in no time.

 

but if you don't take action for yourself here, you'll always be wallowoing, won't attract anyone, and will be in a rut for a long, long time.

 

you can do it. just don't be afraid to be happy.

Hi, Im 28 and Im affraid to date. I was dumped by a girl that I really, really loved about three years ago and Im affraid and pretty much uninterested in finding someone new. I think about my X too much and seem to take every chance I get to relive the pain she has caused me. Im beginning to think the problem is with me and not that i lost the girl I was "meant" to be with. Now, every girl I meet seems dishonest or just plain slutty. I have only had that one girlfriend in my whole life and think that that makes me undateable because Im to much of a loser. I keep waiting for her to come back to me, but I know that wont happen and it prolly wouldn't be a good thing even if it did. meanwhile, Im still alone. Any advice? besides "get over it", Loser