"This is not fun anymore"

[makingmehappy]

That is what I heard when he woke my up at 4.a.m. in October. Hun, I want a divorce, this is not fun anymore. WHAT?

We have been married twenty four years, three kids almost grown.

Now, this isn't the first time he has done this. This is number three.

History:

He had an affair on me twelve years ago. Had me convinced it was my fault. He asked for a divorce then I let him back in.

Five years ago:He met someone else and he felt "suicidal" and asked for a divorce. Again, he had me convinced it was all my fault. So after nine months I let him in again. Told him that there would not be a next time. Not fair to the kids.

 

October: Asks for a divorce. Says it isn't fun and it is all my fault. He said he had a place to live. But I had to get him to move out a month later. And he has still not taken any of this stuff. UGGG> This time is the last time. I can't do it anymore. HE hasn't filed, he doesn't financially support us the way he needs to. He spends limited time with kids and doesn't want custody. Still can make me feel like **** about myself in 30 seconds or less.

 

He is still controlling me and I don't know how to stop it. I need his help financially. I don't make enough to even begin supporting us and he isn't living up to what he said he would do. He won't see a lawyer and I can't afford it. I feel so trapped and at his mercy. I hate it. And it is the kids I feel for. They don't deserve this.

 

Any support would be appreciated because I am floundering....LOL.

-

[trippi1432]

The best support I can offer you at this moment is to know that serial cheaters never change. This website may offer you some insight to his controlling nature and how you support it....that is your only fault...supporting the bad behavior. We shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from anyone...ever.

 

There are some very good articles and blog entries on that link above that may help give you some insight. Keep posting and more will have some information to offer as well.

[Gunny376]

The best support I can offer you at this moment is to know that serial cheaters never change. This website may offer you some insight to his controlling nature and how you support it....that is your only fault...supporting the bad behavior. We shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from anyone...ever.

 

There are some very good articles and blog entries on that link above that may help give you some insight. Keep posting and more will have some information to offer as well.

 

Good post Trippi! Good post!

 

Aside from the emotional turmoil ~ it would seem that the matter at hand and the most urgent need you have MMH (That's your new Official short-hand code-name here on LoveShack, you will receive your 'decoder' ring in your next box of Fruit Loops! ) is untangling the financial of your situation. Google Helen Hunt and "Debt Proof Living" and a book by the same title. I would check with the local library first ~ as I'm almost positive they would have it.

 

Lets talk about that? And all the more importantly the children ~ first. As a Mom I know you put them and their welfare first before you do yourself?

 

 

For most women going through what your going through financial security for you and your children are the first and foremost concern.

 

Forget Bozo the clown for the moment! If he's looking for fun? Tell him to take his clown act and azz and go join the circus!

 

Mrs Gunny was married to a serial cheater for 22 years. He did the whole 'gas-lighting' thing on her. Got her self-perpetuating ~ beat myself up ~ its all my fault machine cranked up.

 

My XHEX did the same thing. Even took it further with parential alienation.

 

They do this because their in the heart of hearts, in the depths of their soul insecure, emotionally immature, emotionally thwarted, undeveloped, selfish, self centered, insecure, unable to self validate, weak minded azzholes!

[Shocked Suzie]

That is what I heard when he woke my up at 4.a.m. in October. Hun, I want a divorce, this is not fun anymore. WHAT?

We have been married twenty four years, three kids almost grown.

Now, this isn't the first time he has done this. This is number three.

History:

He had an affair on me twelve years ago. Had me convinced it was my fault. He asked for a divorce then I let him back in.

Five years ago:He met someone else and he felt "suicidal" and asked for a divorce. Again, he had me convinced it was all my fault. So after nine months I let him in again. Told him that there would not be a next time. Not fair to the kids.

 

October: Asks for a divorce. Says it isn't fun and it is all my fault. He said he had a place to live. But I had to get him to move out a month later. And he has still not taken any of this stuff. UGGG> This time is the last time. I can't

do it anymore. HE hasn't filed, he doesn't financially support us the way he needs to. He spends limited time with kids and doesn't want custody. Still can make me feel like **** about myself in 30 seconds or less.

 

He is still controlling me and I don't know how to stop it. I need his help financially. I don't make enough to even begin supporting us and he isn't living up to what he said he would do. He won't see a lawyer and I can't afford it. I feel so trapped and at his mercy. I hate it. And it is the kids I feel for. They

don't deserve this.

 

Any support would be appreciated because I am floundering....LOL.

-

 

 

Hi, I'm pretty stuffed myself with regards to finance....not sure where you are from but how about citizens advice for some free legal advice or some lawyers do an hours consultation for a fixed price...I did this it cost me $90 it was the best $90 i've spent in ages! He was really direct, told me everything I needed and also 'from his years of dealing with divorce' told me what's the norm with these things.... He even told me that my Ex would highly Likely stop paying the mortgage...thought no way...how wrong was I . Are you able to get any finical support from the government as a single parent?

 

Due to his awful history, please don't try to hang in there because you feel finically tied to him I'd rather live in a hole than be his doormat

 

Hugs and understand xxx

[GuyInLimbo]

Any decent attorney will take your case and make your husband pay everything in the end. Make it part of any settlement. You'll get alimony. He knows this and that's why he's dragging it out. You need to step up to the plate here and take care of YOU right now. Also, you can meet with an attorney for an initial consultation for free anyway. So do it today.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a real charmer.

[Mr. Lucky]

^^^

What Guy said. Any lawyer will see you for free and most would be happy to have your case.

Now, this isn't the first time he has done this. This is number three.

-

You have to take a little ownership for letting this happen 3 times. Remind me, what's that old definition of insanity ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[jsh]

I will join others in recommending that you divorce him. He is just not good for your self esteem, your kids to say the least.

 

Once you decide that, talk to him about divorce settlement. If you don't know what that's about, go to your local family court and ask for a package describing uncontested divorce and it will tell you all of the issues involved. Uncontested divorce will not cost you anything but court filing fees. Contested will involve lawyers, stress, possible bankruptcy and trips to ER for anxiety and related. If you go uncontested route, hopefully he will agree to pay child support and even some alimony (spousal support). In NY state, the child support formula is 12% of the annual salary per child.

 

If you cannot work this out on your own, look into Mediation where a lawyer is working thru all issues with you to create your divorce agreement. There are free mediation sessions available in some cities and they typically give you up to 10 sessions which are enough to work thru all issues. Google for free divorce mediation in your area.

 

Good luck! I hope for your sake this does not go the contested route. It hurts everyone and could take years. If your family can help once you are divorce, take that help instead while you make more or remarry.

 

Hope this helps

[divine angel]

That is what I heard when he woke my up at 4.a.m. in October. Hun, I want a divorce, this is not fun anymore. WHAT?

We have been married twenty four years, three kids almost grown.

Now, this isn't the first time he has done this. This is number three.

History:

He had an affair on me twelve years ago. Had me convinced it was my fault. He asked for a divorce then I let him back in.

Five years ago:He met someone else and he felt "suicidal" and asked for a divorce. Again, he had me convinced it was all my fault. So after nine months I let him in again. Told him that there would not be a next time. Not fair to the kids.

 

October: Asks for a divorce. Says it isn't fun and it is all my fault. He said he had a place to live. But I had to get him to move out a month later. And he has still not taken any of this stuff. UGGG> This time is the last time. I can't do it anymore. HE hasn't filed, he doesn't financially support us the way he needs to. He spends limited time with kids and doesn't want custody. Still can make me feel like **** about myself in 30 seconds or less.

 

He is still controlling me and I don't know how to stop it. I need his help financially. I don't make enough to even begin supporting us and he isn't living up to what he said he would do. He won't see a lawyer and I can't afford it. I feel so trapped and at his mercy. I hate it. And it is the kids I feel for. They don't deserve this.

 

Any support would be appreciated because I am floundering....LOL.

-

Hi im in the same position happened to me 3 times aswell you think everything is going along fine then they come out with stuff like im not happy and you cant see anything thats changed we have a dauughter and i agree that they dont consider anybody elses feelings in what there doing ido believe they have BPD you think and tare yourself apart you get angry and still dont know what you did and the hurt is emence this time my ex partner of 12 yrs did some unbelievable horrible things then turned around and said it was me giving all the crap and couldnt take no more it seems the more you stick up for yourself the more selfish they become He met and moved in with someone after just 6 weeks dont know if shes the next victim im like you trying to find ways to feel better and stop obcessing over ifs whys etc its very hard to understand things and im incredible hurt some days dont know what to do with myself feel like crap all the time hope this as helped you to its been good to talk to others in the same situation would be nice for comments back think he a cereal cheater also

[Gunny376]

Bare with me here folks ~ when I say this ~ because there's a female version of this? Somewhere along the lines of "If he cheats its your fault because your a bore ~ but if you cheat? Its still your fault because your a whore?"

 

The male version of it is ~ "If a man cheats on his wife? Its his fault! If she cheats on him? Its still his fault!

 

Its really not a male/female thing? Its a cheater thing!

 

Its all about their own selfish, self-centered, fantasy world (populated by a population of ONE!). Its all about "Me! Me! Its all about me! The sun rises and sets on my azz alone!"

 

Its about narcissism, about self-centeredness, selfishness, lack of self esteem, emotional shallowness, lack of self confidence, failure to self-validate,

 

Its about a lack of self-accountability, self respect, honor, integrity.

 

Its about a lack of "ownership" of one's self, and one's action?

 

And then they try to project their own lack of self-confidence, self worth, self validation, insecurities etc on you!

 

They project being self confident, etc ~ but deep inside? They're not. Men think if I go out and lay X amount of women? That proves and validates in their mind that they're a Man! When nothing could be further from the truth!

 

Women go out and screw everything they can find to prove to himself that they've "Still go it!"

 

And its all BS! These people are small minded, weak-minded, facades who they project themselves to be?

 

Lose this clown! And go find yourself a real man ~ a real partner ~ who places no conditions, no restrictions, no constraints, etc on YOU being you and being with you!

[makingmehappy]

The best support I can offer you at this moment is to know that serial cheaters never change. This website may offer you some insight to his controlling nature and how you support it....that is your only fault...supporting the bad behavior. We shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from anyone...ever.

 

.

 

I looked over this website. WOW, this so describes him. When we were married, whenever I asked questions or put my opinion in the angrier he got. It is funny to watch him around others. We were at my son's baseball game the other night, he ignored me and sat elsewhere.. which was fine. Our 18yr. old daughter went to talk to him and he ignored her. But I could hear him talking to others about "our situation". Not in a mean way but in a manner in which he got alot of sympathy.

No I don't have the money for a lawyer but will make some phone calls. Uggg... why can't he just man up and do what he needs to do.

[makingmehappy]

 

Its really not a male/female thing? Its a cheater thing!

 

Its all about their own selfish, self-centered, fantasy world (populated by a population of ONE!). Its all about "Me! Me! Its all about me! The sun rises and sets on my azz alone!"

 

Its about narcissism, about self-centeredness, selfishness, lack of self esteem, emotional shallowness, lack of self confidence, failure to self-validate,

 

Its about a lack of self-accountability, self respect, honor, integrity.

 

Its about a lack of "ownership" of one's self, and one's action?

 

And then they try to project their own lack of self-confidence, self worth, self validation, insecurities etc on you!

 

 

I applaud you for saying this. This is exactly how I feel but (and I admit) because of this behavior from him, I am afraid of him at the same time. He has never done anything physical but the mental wear and tear is exhausting. To me and to the kids.

But I will lawyer up because all of you have shown me that it is time.