Coldness

[Unknown.]

A bit of background info: My boyfriend and I are in our early 20's. I moved to his country after we'd been together for two years (the countries are nearby) and we've been living together for another two years. I work part time because I am still learning the native language here and it's hard to find work when you don't speak it. I don't know that many people here because I don't know where to meet them, my friends are really his friends.

 

My boyfriend is a good person at heart, but when he gets stressed he changes completely. He has never been violent, he just goes extremely cold. He also takes his stress out on me a lot, which I find very hard to cope with, I've had depression and anxiety problems my whole life and very low self esteem. He gets very snappy and says things that cut deep and bring me to tears, and why I cry he looks at me like I am an over-dramatic child. When I try to talk he constantly interrupts me and if I manage to say anything it bounces right off him.

 

At the moment he has problems with work. His boss yells at him and overworks him, and he comes home and takes it out on me. I've tried to be sympathetic and a listening ear but it doesn't make a difference. I missed two of my language classes because my boyfriend got mad at me out of the blue and hurt me so much I was crying, and felt too anxious to leave the house. A few days ago he got annoyed over a stupid argument and abandoned me at a shopping centre, drove off and left me with nothing but my house keys and my mobile phone. I had no money to get home (not walking distance) and I repeatedly tried to ask him to come back and he kept saying no. I had to get the train home, and I almost got a huge fine for not paying my ticket, thankfully the ticket woman took pity on me and let me off.

 

After he gets angry, he walls up. Literally there is no way to get through to him. He will not even look at me, he'll lie on the sofa or the bed and say nothing. This can go on for hours and hours. I feel uncomfortable in our small flat when he does this, like I can physically feel the tension, but I have no close friends in this country and nowhere else to go.

 

It doesn't help that everyone outside thinks we're this perfect couple. I made another thread about that. Everyone thinks we're so great together, his family joke that I am his wife. The few friends I have here seem to really like him and think he's a great guy. He's so nice to everyone else, he can be so nice to me, but I feel I am walking on eggshells as I don't know when he'll suddenly spark off. I have told him how much this affects me but it doesn't seem to sink in.

 

I feel totally lost. He often ends up apologising but it keeps on happening. I try to accept responsibility for my parts in arguments and work on things but it feels like a solo effort. He's admitted that he takes his stress out on me but he won't stop and refuses to seek any other help. I love him, but this is killing me inside.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure what help a forum like this can offer you beyond what you already seem to know. In the sense that love is an action-based verb and not a feeling-based noun, someone that would strand you and then ignore your requests for assistance doesn't love you. Someone that refuses to communicate with you doesn't love you. Someone that makes you the focal point of their unhappiness doesn't love you.

 

That you would characterize his behavior as "good at heart" and endure it for 4 years says much about your level of self-esteem. Most people want more - much more - from life than to be someone else's emotional punching bag. Don't you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

Stress from a hostile work environment can really affect a relationship.

 

Just some thoughts - not sure if they will help you.

 

Does he have any outlets for his feelings ? Working out? Activities? If not perhaps when he comes home you might suggest going out for a vigorous walk together.

 

Sounds like he is being bullied at work ? Guys deal with stress (particularly being pissed on at work) differently than women. Women who are under stress at work - often want a sympathetic ear - listening, offering simple words of understanding and soothing - cooping. Men - especially when we talk to each other about some A-hole boss or something - share a dark sense of humor - a battle mentality - solders in arms - things like "Man that sucks" "you ought to take a baseball bat to the M-Fing boss!" "ya - that SOB" " Your twice the man of that little bitch".... in other words we don't want soothing and listening - we want to be joined in our anger - justified and also told we are stronger and could take out our adversary. We need to establish our alpha male role with our buddies - especially after being emasculated at work..Kind of weird - but that what happens when I talk with my guy friends about work stress.

 

I think your man is being made to feel weak, powerless, and trapped. He comes home and releases his anger on you, needs asserts his dominance some how. This is wrong of course, and he needs to find a way to channel it elsewhere.

[KraftDinner]

I don't have much more to say beyond this: you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. With your low self-esteem, I know that will make it virtually impossible to do what you already know you need to do, which is leave.

 

He is abusive and you need to leave him.

[Unknown.]

I'm not sure what help a forum like this can offer you beyond what you already seem to know. In the sense that love is an action-based verb and not a feeling-based noun, someone that would strand you and then ignore your requests for assistance doesn't love you. Someone that refuses to communicate with you doesn't love you. Someone that makes you the focal point of their unhappiness doesn't love you.

 

That you would characterize his behavior as "good at heart" and endure it for 4 years says much about your level of self-esteem. Most people want more - much more - from life than to be someone else's emotional punching bag. Don't you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess I just needed to vent, I have nobody to talk to.

 

The weird thing is, on the flipside he makes a big deal about how I am the only person he can talk to. How I'm the closest person in his life, how he loves me, etc. He's hot and cold and it throws me off a lot. I have thought of leaving but it'd require me moving back to my own country. That'd cost me a fortune, I can't afford to move all my stuff back again. It's also hard to leave because when he's not cold, he's one of my best friends. It's hard to simply let go altogether after all this time.

 

I want more but I feel stuck. Both financially and emotionally.

[KraftDinner]

Stress from a hostile work environment can really affect a relationship.

 

Just some thoughts - not sure if they will help you.

 

Does he have any outlets for his feelings ? Working out? Activities? If not perhaps when he comes home you might suggest going out for a vigorous walk together.

 

Sounds like he is being bullied at work ? Guys deal with stress (particularly being pissed on at work) differently than women. Women who are under stress at work - often want a sympathetic ear - listening, offering simple words of understanding and soothing - cooping. Men - especially when we talk to each other about some A-hole boss or something - share a dark sense of humor - a battle mentality - solders in arms - things like "Man that sucks" "you ought to take a baseball bat to the M-Fing boss!" "ya - that SOB" " Your twice the man of that little bitch".... in other words we don't want soothing and listening - we want to be joined in our anger - justified and also told we are stronger and could take out our adversary. We need to establish our alpha male role with our buddies - especially after being emasculated at work..Kind of weird - but that what happens when I talk with my guy friends about work stress.

 

I think your man is being made to feel weak, powerless, and trapped. He comes home and releases his anger on you, needs asserts his dominance some how. This is wrong of course, and he needs to find a way to channel it elsewhere.

 

You're describing moody. OP's describing cruel. Big difference. I've never had a guy treat me like she described but I've sure dealt with my share of moody. One is annoying, the other is soul-crushing.

 

I hope you honestly don't think he has a right to leave her stranded or freeze her out for hours with his little emotional temper tantrum, just because, boo hoo, his work is stressful. We all have had work that was stressful.

[Unknown.]

Stress from a hostile work environment can really affect a relationship.

 

Just some thoughts - not sure if they will help you.

 

Does he have any outlets for his feelings ? Working out? Activities? If not perhaps when he comes home you might suggest going out for a vigorous walk together.

 

Sounds like he is being bullied at work ? Guys deal with stress (particularly being pissed on at work) differently than women. Women who are under stress at work - often want a sympathetic ear - listening, offering simple words of understanding and soothing - cooping. Men - especially when we talk to each other about some A-hole boss or something - share a dark sense of humor - a battle mentality - solders in arms - things like "Man that sucks" "you ought to take a baseball bat to the M-Fing boss!" "ya - that SOB" " Your twice the man of that little bitch".... in other words we don't want soothing and listening - we want to be joined in our anger - justified and also told we are stronger and could take out our adversary. We need to establish our alpha male role with our buddies - especially after being emasculated at work..Kind of weird - but that what happens when I talk with my guy friends about work stress.

 

I think your man is being made to feel weak, powerless, and trapped. He comes home and releases his anger on you, needs asserts his dominance some how. This is wrong of course, and he needs to find a way to channel it elsewhere.

 

I've tried that too. I have a very dark sense of humour and it's often something I use to try and cheer people up. I've been told by guys that I've got an unusual sense of humour for a girl, in a good way. Doesn't work on him though. His boss does put way too much pressure on him and he's expected to work a job that should have two people. The problem is there is nothing I can do about that and I can't cope with him taking it out on me like this.

 

You're describing moody. OP's describing cruel. Big difference. I've never had a guy treat me like she described but I've sure dealt with my share of moody. One is annoying, the other is soul-crushing.

 

I hope you honestly don't think he has a right to leave her stranded or freeze her out for hours with his little emotional temper tantrum, just because, boo hoo, his work is stressful. We all have had work that was stressful.

 

I've been feeling really strange since that night. It's a cold country and I didn't even have a coat with me because we'd driven there and I didn't think I'd need one. He knew this...and the source of the argument was something totally stupid.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Unknown.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been feeling really strange since that night. It's a cold country and I didn't even have a coat with me because we'd driven there and I didn't think I'd need one. He knew this...and the source of the argument was something totally stupid.

 

What did you say to him once you made your way home that night? I'd think most people would have a very serious conversation starting with "If you ever..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[Unknown.]

What did you say to him once you made your way home that night? I'd think most people would have a very serious conversation starting with "If you ever..."

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I sat at the station nearest to our home. He called me, apparently incredibly sorry and worried about me and I said where I was and that I was not coming home unless he could promise he'd actually talk out what happened and not give me the silent treatment. I was furious, he was upset and apologetic and promised it'd never happen again. Yet here we are today, where he's snapped at me out of the blue again.

 

Now he's just stormed into the bedroom because I "keep saying mean things" (that the way he's treating me is not alright and that I'm unhappy) and that if I am so unhappy I should just "f*****g move back to England".

 

I have to get out of this apartment, even if it means sleeping on the street tonight. I can't breathe in here.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't think he loves you. I think he wants a way out without being the one to pull the trigger. He's hoping by treating you badly enough you'll leave.

[Quiet Storm]

I think his behavior is emotionally abusive.

 

Doing something like leaving you somewhere with no way to get hom is very vindicitive. Apologizing after that kind of behavior is very typical of an abuser.

 

Many abusers aren't evil men who get off on hurting women. They are often just men who do not know how to cope with their emotions.

 

When something happens and their emotions overwhelm them, they do anything to get that feeling of control back. This includes hurting others. After it happens, he probably is sincerely apologetic and intends to never behave that way again. But he has no coping skills to deal with conflict, so it will continue to happen again & again.

 

What you have to understand is that even if his intentions are not evil, even if he is sorry, even if he loves you, even if he was never given the tools to cope with life.... he is still not a good partner for you. He is not capable of being the kind of man that you need.

 

You can love him, and still end the relationship, because you deserve better. You can be sympathetic to his problems, but you do not have to subject yourself to this treatment.

 

He has issues that you are not equipped to deal with. You do not have to tolerate this.

 

Love yourself enough to move on.

[Curious111]

You know what you need to do. Putting it off or hoping that he will change is similar to putting your head in the sand and hoping the storm will be over when you come back up for air. The storm won't be over, all you're doing is postponing the inevitable and the longer you wait before you leave, the more damaging it will be to your self esteem and the longer it will take for you to be healthy enough to start a new relationship. No matter how much you love him or how much he claims he loves you, you're dealing with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, and these type of men are not good at loving ANYBODY except themselves. He might genuinely THINK that he loves you very much, when in fact he only NEEDS you very much - he most probably won't know the difference. There is a huge difference, though - the one is focussed on your happiness and the health of your relationship with each other, and the other one is focussed on his own happiness and pleasing himself only. If you're like most women out there, you're hoping that he will eventually grow up and out of his moods. He won't. He will merely go on to find another relationship where he will treat his new girlfriend the same, and she will either put up with it like you do, or she will leave. If you feel you can't make the decision to leave him at this point in time, take the next best route and give yourself some time out. Go visit your family or friends in England for a few days and purposefully distance yourself from him emotionally and physically. Once you are in a supportive environment with people who love you and treat you right, it will give you the strength to see the relationship for what it is and to do the right thing. Which is, to leave and not look back.

[TaraMaiden]

Abusive

Passive-aggressive

Narcissist.

 

Go home.