Are you freaking kidding me!!?

[Autum76]

I am having a REALLY f'd up pissed off time. The is no way I would tell my friends about this as I know they would feel the same way I do.

 

I've been with is dude for just under a year. He's been begging me to commit and saying how much he loves me all the time. Doing awesome things for me talking about the future all the time. We decided we want to be together long term. You get the picture.

 

So, I find out while he was recently on vacation and staying at hostels he's "cuddling up" with other girls he meets. He says it not sexual, but really? Please, I'm not a fool. Then he says since we've been together when he hangs out with other girls he's friends with at home they cuddle and watch movies together!!?? Wtf?

 

The kicker is he says he told me about this ages ago and I was alright with it.

He saw how upset /angry I was and said he felt bad if it upsets me but that it really was harmless. Wwwtttttthhhhhh?

 

So now I feel totally betrayed by buddy and we've made all these plans for the future and I'm sitting here like Wth? Who are you?

 

Honestly I hold my self to a high standard when it comes to not just friends but men, and I would never let another man hold me and lie down with him to watch a movie. The kicker it this dude is younger than me and the girls he's doing this with a lot younger than me and as he's a hot guy, no girl is gonna say "no, I don't want to cuddle". I am too old for this crap

 

His only saving grace is that he honestly didn't seem to see anything wrong with it and said he always does that. (Deer in headlights) omfg!

 

I really love this person and changed my whole life to be with then. Now he's made me feel like something on the bottom of this shoe and it hurts.

 

I'd love to hear any feedback on this. We're supposed to meet up later today but I really don't think I can muster the courage I will justly get angry at him. FML

[Treasa]

I think he's full of **** and playing mind games with you.

 

I, personally, would tell him to lose my number.

[LovelyLife]

Harden your heart and let it go . . . he's playing a mind game or two with you.

 

 

I'm more concerned that he actually tried to get YOU to believe that you gave him a green light to behave this way than the behavior itself. He's a gaslighter in the making my friend.

[Quiet Storm]

I think he's probably full of it, but if you give him another chance, make sure your boundaries and standards for a relationship are 100% clear. Spell it out so there are no gray areas like "cuddling". This way, he can't play dumb and say "I didn't know that was wrong".

 

Also, make sure his actions match his words. You say he wants to commit and talks of a future with you. Do his actions match that? Does he tell these girls he's in a serious relationship? Does he make plans and have goals regarding a future with you? Is he honest with you?

 

The playing dumb thing was very manipulative, which shows a shady character, IMO. He twisted it back on you, instead of just owning up and saying "you're right, I shouldn't cuddle with girls".

 

The way someone handles a conflict or confrontation is very telling about their charcacter. Manipulation is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wouldn't cuddle a guy unless I was interested in him and even then he's probably thinking I'm easy and ready to give it up since I'm so straightforward.

 

Your bf is trying to make this a non-issue when its a big red flag!

[Autum76]

The worst part is I know when I talk to him about it more he'll not understand why I'm upset. The fact that some I love deeply has hurt me this early in our relationship is unbelievable. The fact he is going elsewhere for affection is very hurtful.

 

I tried to explain to him that when you meet someone new touching and building a new relationship with them and the cuddling is not acceptable. He said he didn't see it that way but now understands, and he can see it upsets me so he'll stop doing it if I want him too. What? Am I living in a parallel universe and don't know it? This to me in not ok.

 

In fact if he was just having a quick shag with someone would be better. Screwing someone is for sex means nothing you do it to cum. When you touch in a friendly way you are establishing a physical and emotional bond that is the first step to more....no? Tell me I'm wrong here if you think I am.

 

Also every time he goes out he's meeting then adding new young girls to his FB page. He's 29 and they are like 19-25. I've read on this forum a lot about guys "shopping around" and collecting girls for later... This seems to be what he's doing. I was never worried about it or jealous because these girls are in my eyes are kids and not someone anyone would want to date, they don't seem to have much about them. But now I think I realize that this is what he wants. I am what he thinks he should have. I would feel much better about all of this if at least the girls were some kind of quality. Him friending all of them tells me he's not picky, meaning he doesn't hold me, or himself to a high standard, great.

 

Sorry for the rant but all this really, really upsets me. I really could see us growing together and being a real couple and now this.

 

ALSO! Get this....

On his trip I booked one of his hostels for him. A male only mixed dorm. Less than an hour after he gets home he brings it up and said I was supposed to book a mixed dorm...? I ask why and he says cause it's where everyone meet and the other guys don't talk to each other. Later he showed me a bunch of pics of him and one girl he met at the hostel, he was with her each day there and in the photos they are all close and one back at the dorm where she's showing him her back dimples and in her pajamas...Seriously!?

 

Sorry to go on but I could never tell any of my friends this and I am very hurt. They would it be like, yup, he's playing games with you. I've realized that he is.

 

I feel if he really cared I would be the only one he would want to cuddle up with. But now I realize how little I actually mean to him. Wow this I need some vodka after this post.

[Quiet Storm]

The worst part is I know when I talk to him about it more he'll not understand why I'm upset. The fact that some I love deeply has hurt me this early in our relationship is unbelievable. The fact he is going elsewhere for affection is very hurtful.

 

I tried to explain to him that when you meet someone new touching and building a new relationship with them and the cuddling is not acceptable. He said he didn't see it that way but now understands, and he can see it upsets me so he'll stop doing it if I want him too. What? Am I living in a parallel universe and don't know it? This to me in not ok.

 

In fact if he was just having a quick shag with someone would be better. Screwing someone is for sex means nothing you do it to cum. When you touch in a friendly way you are establishing a physical and emotional bond that is the first step to more....no? Tell me I'm wrong here if you think I am.

 

Also every time he goes out he's meeting then adding new young girls to his FB page. He's 29 and they are like 19-25. I've read on this forum a lot about guys "shopping around" and collecting girls for later... This seems to be what he's doing. I was never worried about it or jealous because these girls are in my eyes are kids and not someone anyone would want to date, they don't seem to have much about them. But now I think I realize that this is what he wants. I am what he thinks he should have. I would feel much better about all of this if at least the girls were some kind of quality. Him friending all of them tells me he's not picky, meaning he doesn't hold me, or himself to a high standard, great.

 

Sorry for the rant but all this really, really upsets me. I really could see us growing together and being a real couple and now this.

 

ALSO! Get this....

On his trip I booked one of his hostels for him. A male only mixed dorm. Less than an hour after he gets home he brings it up and said I was supposed to book a mixed dorm...? I ask why and he says cause it's where everyone meet and the other guys don't talk to each other. Later he showed me a bunch of pics of him and one girl he met at the hostel, he was with her each day there and in the photos they are all close and one back at the dorm where she's showing him her back dimples and in her pajamas...Seriously!?

 

Sorry to go on but I could never tell any of my friends this and I am very hurt. They would it be like, yup, he's playing games with you. I've realized that he is.

 

I feel if he really cared I would be the only one he would want to cuddle up with. But now I realize how little I actually mean to him. Wow this I need some vodka after this post.

 

 

Men will always be attracted to other women, but if he was considerate of your feelings he would not act on those feelings.

 

It's not that he doesn't understand that this is hurtful to you, he just doesn't care enough to stop himself. He knows what he is doing isn't right, but in the moment the gratification he gets from his behavior is stronger than his consideration for you.

 

I seriously doubt his cuddling is about establishing an emotional connection with these women. It's just a step towards sex for him.

 

This isn't about you, it's about him. He is not good boyfriend material. You can still love him and feel a connection to him...but conclude that he just doesn't make a good boyfriend for you.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Autum76]

I do have to clarify one thing to the people that are following this thread. I think I may have put my words in the wrong context.

 

BF isn't staying at hostels just so he can cuddle with girls. He had to stay at one anyways while he was travelling. It just so happens that there always seems to be a lot of girls around. My bad for hooking up and falling for a young guy that isn't emotionally ready to be with one person.

 

But really since he's been away each afternoon I check FB he would have another new "friend" I have one new FB friend a year. Says a lot about someone when everytome they are out they have new "friends".

[crederer]

Whether he thinks it's wrong or not isn't the point. The point is that it's a problem for you, and if he cared, would be understanding of that. It's not a small issue to be upset about (like leaving the toilette seat up), it's a big deal.

[Archgirl]

He knows he's cheatin.

 

He's probably used to younger girls he can fool.

 

No one reaches their mid twenties thinking its cool/innocent to "cuddle" the opposite sex.

 

And Im betting the cuddling only happened after the f*cking.

 

He's still lying to you so that you'll let him get away with it and keep seeing him. He's counting on you being in love with him.

[Leigh 87]

Wow. I find it pretty disturbing that an almost 30 year old is cuddling with 19 year olds. In their pyjamas. It's a truly disturbing image.