alainajones Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Hi, everyone. I'll try to make this short... My ex broke up with me two months ago after being together for 2.5 years. We were very much in love and living together, but things were not going so well and I could see where he was coming from. He came back three weeks after the break-up saying he wants to work things out because he still loves and misses me very much. He also said that he wants to start from the very beginning so that we won't go right back to where we left off (when the things weren't going well between us). Even though we both wanted to work it out, things weren't the same. He really didn't seem to be putting the same effort as I was in trying to make it work. About six weeks after starting to work things out, he told me he really wasn't ready although he thought he was. He is going through rough times in his life (which is true), being under a lot of stress, and that he is not ready to do this. I could tell he wasn't ready when he first came back to me, so this wasn't a surprise, but it still hurt very badly... He also told me that he doesn't feel the same way about me as he used to... So I told him to let me know when he's ready. I am giving him the time and space that he seems to need right now. I am leaving the door open for him without leaving myself stuck in the situation. I know I did everything I could, so there's nothing I can do any more at this point than to leave him alone to let him sort things out on his own and figure out what he really wants. Now, is it possible to regain that "in-love" feeling (after some time, or under difference circumstances, or whatever)? Or does it never come back once it's gone? Could it be because he's going through some rough times in his life? Did we start trying too soon (three weeks after break-up)? If anyone has stories about your own or someone else's experience about regaining that "feeling", please let me know. All I can do now is hope, so please let me know what you think... Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Yeah, it feels different but not worse per se. In the beginning, you're less aware of what those circumstances (limiting factors) are because you're intoxicated with how great you feel. The second time around, you're more realistic, more aware, and, if things work out, more dedicated to making it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 The second time around, you're more realistic, more aware, and, if things work out, more dedicated to making it work. Definitely true. My X and I are dating again after being apart for 2.5 years. It's obvious we are still in love with each other, but not in the way one feels intoxicated by it yet. The feeling is somewhat there when we're making love, but doesn't seem to stick around yet the next day. We're moving slow, but every day it gets deeper and deeper. I can probably give you a better answer in a few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alainajones Posted September 21, 2004 Author Share Posted September 21, 2004 I think dyermaker is right about the second time being more realistic and more dedicated. I just hope that the chance will arrive someday with him... Lonestar, did you always know that you two would get back together? Did you always have this person in your heart during the 2.5 years you were apart? Did you two always keep in touch during that time? Just curious... I really hope things will work out between you two this time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 No, I never thought we'd get back together in a million years. We went through a nasty divorce and a lot of hurtful things happened. We also barely spoke or saw each other for 2 years. but as much as there were long periods of time where he didn't even enter my mind, he never ever left my heart. I just didn't know it until we started having contact again about four months ago. From what he's told me, I've been in his heart too this entire time, and he regrets many things that he did and all that happened. The fact that we are basically back together again has me completely confused and somewhat scared. This was not supposed to happen. It just did. Here's the link to the full story I posted several days ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47994/ Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Lonestar - ok, from your perspective.... I'm broken up with the ex girfriend for over a year now. She was finalizing her divorce and need to be single for awhile before committing again. Initially alot of contact, flowers etc, but she bolted when her new guy gave her an ultimatum. She dated over the last year, but still calls occasionally and then disappears, without calling (currently several months). I tried reaching out, but that seemed to scare her. So I tried time...and she would call eventually. Now she's abandoned online dating sites she was listed on and is doing who knows what. So....do I just wait for her to call? Would reaching out occasionally be a "good thing" or a "bad thing"? (Dammit, Martha would know the difference, but she's not available for several months) Link to post Share on other sites
Normella Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Hate to be the downer here, but I don't think it's ever the same. Sometimes you're lucky because if you're meant to be together, it's like a fairy tale getting back together. But if you guys already tried and he's "stressed" or "not feeling it" then it's time to let it go and appreciate the relationship for what it was. The people here who tell you they've worked it out have, but they can tell you first hand that it isn't the ame..wise words to couples far and beyond: DON'T BREAK UP IF YOU THINK YOU'LL GET BACK TOGETHER SOONER OR LATER! breaks and breaking up just kills it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 If two people who loved each other get back together then logic says the second time around should be amazing since you both know the issues that screwed things up the first time. If by chance me and my ex ever get back together I know it'll last forever and was meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 wierd - that's a dangerous attitude. You are going to have to work at it. Don't expect it to just work out by itself. New issues will come up, not just the old. Yeah you already know that, but keep it in your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Agreed. I just think that after the first time both of us would realize the importance of one another and would make the effort to resolve any issues that came up. But then again, my ex can be a little weird so who knows... BTW I am not trying to imply we will eventually get back together. If we do then cool if we don't then that's cool too. I am working more on the "fate" philosophy these days rather than expect things to happen/be the way I might want them to. Link to post Share on other sites
backspn Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 When I first started posting here I was in the "I know we'll get back together" boat....now I am with Weird. Sure you have to put forth the effort in order for her to come back...after she breaks the NC period. I cant live my life anymore hoping she is coming back.......I still think it could happen but it doesnt consume me like it used to. I will get my chance....I know this to be true....she still loves me and that doesnt go away. When you get back together then things might not work out....thats when you'll know if it will be alright or if its doomed. All Im saying to all those newly broken hearted people......live life as if you wont get him/her back.....its much healthier for you ...trust me!!! p.s.....always be good to your ex and the chance they will want you back eventually will be ten fold. Link to post Share on other sites
girls_do_cheat Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 hmm....i agree don't put ur life on hold...i put mine and am regretting it....................just put in the effort to get her but just dont put all ur eggs in one basket...............keep doing ur regular things and moving on in life....if things are meant to be they will be else show the middle finger to life and fight it.........................fight it like a fighter.........i am trying too...............life is too beautiful to put on hold for one person.....there are others who might need u more, ur family, ur friends just keep moving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alainajones Posted September 23, 2004 Author Share Posted September 23, 2004 Normella, It's not like I'm not letting it go, because I am focusing on myself and moving on with my life. I just wanted to keep a little bit of hope. But I totally understand what you are saying and maybe I need let that hope go, too. But I still do believe, maybe not for my case any more, but for other people's cases, things happen and people's feelings do change, and if it's meant to be, then you'll find your ways back to being together again. Sure, it's not the same as the first time, but that doesn't mean that the second time is always worse, does it? It could be better..., you never know... Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Who the hell is Martha and where is she? It all depends what you're like when you reach out to her. I'd wait at least 4-6 months before contacting her again. Then call her and let her know you were thinking about her.. wanted to say hi. DON'T tell her how wonderful she is, how you want her back, and how there's no one as special as her. Keep it light, talk about how great your world is these days, and this probably isn't nice, but it works... when she talks about her wonderful life, treat it as no big deal. Don't say things like "wow, you're doing great," or "that's so cool" etc. Knock the girl down a few pegs. Make her pay attention to your new life, because see, your life is just way more fabulous than hers, and you have to truly believe that when you call her or it won't work. People can sense when someone's being phony. As far as her disappearing from the online dating world, don't sweat that. It's way more likely she disappeared because she was tired of it, rather than she found someone. I did the online thing, and while it was fun for awhile, it eventually runs its course and you tire of it. Weird and backspn I think fate does play a part in it, but then you have to believe in fate. Not everyone does, but you won't get back with an ex until you move on. That's some sort of unwritten rule somewhere. Normella I can't say I agree with you at all, and I've seen a lot when it comes to relationships. The good and the bad. People break up for many different reasons. Sometimes they weren't mature enough to handle a relationship or marriage at the time, or they didn't know what they wanted, thought something was better out there, maybe had problems in their own life that killed the relationship at the time. All these things can change over time as one grows with life's gifts and punches. Sometimes it takes a lot to realize what you lost. You run into that person again and fall in love all over with a new and improved person. If the sex was always good that's a BIG help in renewing something that was lost. Link to post Share on other sites
findinmyway Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 I believe it can be good again. I have a really twisted story and there's this part of me that still can't let go of the hope that we will be together again. I met "him" while I was married. Terrible circumstances all the way around. After my divorce we tried and tried but could never stay together. Mostly because of me....couldn't deal with the guilt. 2 1/2 yrs later I finally got back with my exH to give things a real shot (we have 2 children). My ex and I are still living together, but have decided that our marriage is over and we need to move on. Despite the circumstances, and all of the things that we did to each other because of our situations (both recovering from divorce), I still know that "he" was the one. I am not a wishy-washy person, or at least I never was before I met him. I have tried everything I know to ignore it, make it go away, accept that it's over. But, I think that nothing I do will ever take it's place. So, I have to either resign to the fact that I will never be complete as I could be, or hold on to the belief that he really is the one and fate "could" bring us back together. Once you've made such a powerful connection with someone, I'm not sure what it would take to break that. And, especially after you've been apart---wouldn't the second time around be amazing? If it is really real---you would definitely embrace your second chance and nothing would stand in the way of it working. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Generally, second time around relationships never hit the same highs as the first time and often end up repeating the same mistakes. The exception is where there is something specific in the way which is no longer there, as in your case, findinmyway. Go for it Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 I also think the exception si if the two parties invovled actually THINK about things and remember the past rather than just keep doing the same mistakes/patterns over and over which sadly, is a human trait. Most people dont learn from the past and act/do the same stuff over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
findinmyway Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 M--I'm so glad you added the last sentence (even if your first sentence really does apply to me). I know what you say is true, and even for me, so much happened we could possibly never get it back. I just can't let go of the hope...yet Thanks for thinking about me though.... I value your opinion Link to post Share on other sites
lovely221 Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 What about if you break up, get back together 2 days later, and break up again 2 weeks later? What do you make of this? I'm still confused by it! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Thanks, Tracy I still know that "he" was the one. I am not a wishy-washy person, or at least I never was before I met him. I have tried everything I know to ignore it, make it go away, accept that it's over. But, I think that nothing I do will ever take it's place. Love this strong is worth taking a risk for but maybe now is not the best time for you to do this. It may be better to wait until you are no longer in a period of transition and emotional flux. Give yourself time to find your single feet, meet other people and find happiness in your own right. If you still feel as strongly once you have been through your period of re-adjustment, I'd seriously consider contacting him if he is also single. No other man will stand a chance while you continue to hope for reconciliation with a man who is free and you know is the one for you. Second time around may be better than the first or altenatively, it may enable you to let go of the hope in the certainty that it wouldn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
findinmyway Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Thanks M. You always know just what to say And, L221---I still think it all depends on the depth of the RS and the circumstances involved. "He" and I went back and forth numerous times. But, letting go was never based on something frivalous....it was always about a serious issue we had to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
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