Crush on someone when I shouldn't feel this way...

[lily471]

I am married, with a 6 yr old son, I would say me and my husband, we have a normal husband wife relationship, we have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, we know we love each other and we will stick with each other hopefully till we grow old. A yr ago, a work colleague from London came over to our office for a systems migration. There is probably nothing to it, it just bothers me that I would feel like this again, like a crush on someone, simply because I feel this vibe coming from him as well.

 

We were never introduced at all, and the work he did in our office, did not require me to be in contact with him directly. But he coordinated with my boss all the time. We see each other everyday a few times being in the same floor, but in all that time, I would see from the corner of my eye that he would look at me whenever I pass by. I try not to look at him, most of the time. And I started avoiding walking where he is unless I have no choice. But I am also drawn to look at him, most times when I feel he is not looking, but on those times he would look up our eyes would meet for a brief second and I would look away.

 

He is a very good looking guy, probably 10 yrs younger than me. I just have this vibe that I get from him, which I do not get from other guys at work, not that I am looking for one. One time, I heard him asking my boss if her team (me and 3 others) do not require training on the new system. I thought maybe because that would give him the opportunity to talk to me? Then at the Christmas party, he walked across the room and deliberately joined our group while we were dancing. I kind of like smiled but never said anything. Another thing that maybe made me think there is something, he normally goes on the other office kitchen which is closer to him to get water, but in the last month he would go to ours which is farther, that gives him the opportunity to pass by my desk. We would see each other on the hallway, and one time him and his colleague were at the hallway waiting for the elevator, his colleague said hi to me and I smiled and I kind of included him as well, and we all went inside the elevator. a few mins after, I passed by the 2 of them again going back to my floor and he was looking at me.

 

There were times in the past few months when he would go back to London for maybe a week or during the Christmas holiday that I kind of feel relieved I don't have to deal with the feeling. But it also kind of made me sad because he sort of brightened up my day. A sort of thrill when he looks at me and gives me that look of I don't know, admiration, him being attracted to me? and its no longer there. And when he came back, again there is that feeling of euphoria. Yesterday, he said his goodbyes to everyone, he was going back to London, finished with the project, he came to say goodbye to my boss, I glanced toward them and saw him looking at me again. I felt sad (slightly heartbroken? lol). Its just all the looks and the vibes. I never had that with other men. I was successful avoiding him, or not saying hi or smiling when we walk past each other, which I felt rude, because I would normally do to someone even if I have not been introduced, but have come across at work for so many months already, smile a bit or nod my head, but with him, I feel like if we started talking to each other, something would happen, if he is attracted to me, my feelings may grow and complicate things.

 

Is this a sign my marriage is weakening? I hope this is just a passing thing. He's gone now, he may still be back as there are 3 more systems that need to be migrated, but not in a year, but I hope by then he is married to his girlfriend and I no longer have that feeling anymore

Edited April 26, 2013 by lily471
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[worldgonewrong]

I think you're spending too much time thinking/fantasizing about this guy, rather than investing the energy back into your marriage. You're a married woman with a small child; ignore his vibes.

[Coolit]

Honey this is where it starts. Trust me, i know. So instead of focusing on his feeligs for you, you need to decide what you are going to do and be honest with yourself. Only you can make the choice.

[Quiet Storm]

All people will find others attractive. It is normal and natural.

 

As adults, we have to learn our strengths and weaknesses because it helps us to make good choices. We can "babysit" ourselves in a way, and keep ourselves out of situations that could be bad for us. It's kind of like being your own parent.

 

In your case, you feel attracted to this guy, and that attraction is causing you to second guess your marriage. Understand that attraction is normal, but when you are married, you should not act on that attraction. You have a weakness for this guy, so you need to babysit yourself and keep away from close physical contact, flirting, banter, sharing feelings, etc. A relationship with him has the potential to devastate your husband, destroy your home, ruin your son's sense of security, and turn your life completely upside down. Be your own parent and keep yourself out of harms way!

 

There is saying....the dog you feed more is the one that gets bigger.

 

Right now, you are thinking of the work guy, mulling over the attraction and what to do about it. Basically, these thoughts are feeding your attraction to this other guy. He is taking up space in your head, rent free.

 

Focus your thoughts on your husband and son. Think about your marriage and find ways to connect with your husband. Nurture your marriage. The thoughts and attention given to your marriage will "feed" it, and your focus should shift.

 

Every marriage has ups and downs.

 

Cheating isn't about a weak marriage, it's about a weak person (the cheater). People with strong character deal with their marriage issues in an honest way, and end the marriage before pursuing relationships with others.

[Leegh]

As much as a person tries to not think about another person, it cannot be done if there is major attraction there. It is as if a person is addicted to a drug, and there are changes in the brain when a person falls in love. Romantic love is addictive. Marriage can be great, but in some marriages there is not a lot of romantic attraction, but deep feelings; sort of like a brother/sister type of relationship. The guy at your work probably hasn't asked you out since he knows you are married, and most likely he's seen your wedding ring. If you are very happy in your marriage, you may want to consider changing jobs, but if your feelings for this new guy remain strong, you may want to see what happens with him. There is nothing worse in life than having regrets about what could have happened.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Leegh
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[Quiet Storm]

As much as a person tries to not think about another person, it cannot be done if there is major attraction there. It is as if a person is addicted to a drug, and there are changes in the brain when a person falls in love. Romantic love is addictive. Marriage can be great, but in some marriages there is not a lot of romantic attraction, but deep feelings; sort of like a brother/sister type of relationship. The guy at your work probably hasn't asked you out since he knows you are married, and most likely he's seen your wedding ring. If you are very happy in your marriage, you may want to consider changing jobs, but if your feelings for this new guy remain strong, you may want to see what happens with him. There is nothing worse in life than having regrets about what could have happened.

 

It is absolutely possible to redirect your thoughts. You do not have to be led around by your emotions.

 

Toddlers learn to control their actions & emotions. Grown ups can, too.

[Lucky_n_Love]

I can totally relate to your feelings. In the past few weeks I've developed a crush on a married man. He consumes my thoughts, and I've even dreamt about him a few times. I'm not a cheater, and I would never interfere in his marriage, so I've just been enjoying my fantasies, knowing they will never be more than that.

In my case, the fact that I enjoy conversation with this man so much simply reinforces the fact that my marriage is doomed and I need to leave. It sounds like you and your husband love each other, so put that man out of your head, and have some fun crushing on your husband again!

[whichwayisup]

There's crushing on a guy and it means nothing, you just enjoy looking at him, especially if he's hot! It is what it is, nothing serious. Then there's crushing on someone and allowing yourself to get caught up it .. Aka, over thinking, having feelings (both emotional and sexual). When you (general you) rely on a crush too much, it becomes a habit! That's dangerous and the fact that you're now wondering if something is wrong in your marriage just shows that you need to stop thinking of this guy completely and focus on reconnecting with your husband.

 

The problem may not be your marriage, (unless it's stale and boring, daily routine is the same day in and day out - IF that is the case, get a sitter and go out on dates with your H and spice it up!) it may be within yourself.

 

Anyway, forget the crush.

[vickvagner]

I'll be the lone voice in this wilderness - go for it.

 

In my experience, single men are very unlikely to tell or be uncooperative in an affair situation -

 

If there are no horrible business-related consequences to you coming on to him, why not give it a shot?

 

So you have a fling that recharges your batteries - maybe you get him in the sack and he's about like your husband or, gasp, hubbie knows all your spots and is a better lover. Problem solved.

 

Or you have the most mind-blowing sex you've ever had, you answer the main questions - do you still got it and what would sex with someone else be like?

 

I'm guessing if you got that out of your system you'd be good to go and would be unlikely to look at another situation like that again.

 

If you think you can handle it go for it

[whichwayisup]

Really not good advice to take. Don't "go for it" UNLESS you're prepared to lose your husband, your children and all that you love and have become used to. You will lose the house, your family unit as one. Your in laws, even some of your family members, some friends possibly and most of all you'd be hurting someone who loves you - the man you said vows to. He doesn't deserve to be cheated upon and your children don't need to have their family unit betrayed either.

 

Just my 2 cents on the above so I hope you don't follow that advice to 'go for it.'

[Feelin Frisky]

"Want" is an intoxicating thing. When you marry someone you turn from want of them to adjusting to "having". And that retires the state of "want". The hard part of staying married is to keep "want" alive and not just "have", "have" and "have". This is nature. And it happens even to animals that personal want drives people and lionesses to risk the wrath of the dominant male to act on the want of that stranger in the near distance who seems to have all the goods of looks, vitality and adventure. I'm sorry if that sounds clinical but it is not unusual and it's your turn to be challenged by "want" of satisfaction of compelling curiosity about someone. I'm not assuming you want that man literally, just trying to say don't beat yourself up over it. It doesn't mean your marriage is falling apart or weakened. It is the power of want reawakening in you. I learned this as a child from Star Trek where Mr. Spock had to get laid or he'd die from spawning craziness. His betrothed wanted someone else who was more powerful than Spock. To try to save Spock the Captain tried to intervene and faked his death at Spock's hand. The struggle cleared Spock of the mating craze and he said to the real rival who would be screwing the girl he was promised: "Stahn, you may find that wanting is more a pleasing thing than having". I have felt the feelings you have and have been crazy about a few women that I wanted but was either sure I couldn't have or shouldn't. It's a wonderful feeling--love sickness. You now must face whether or not you can manage to keep wanting what you already have or work want of your husband more deliberately into your relationship. It's OK to dream.

[Mr. Lucky]

Or you have the most mind-blowing sex you've ever had, you answer the main questions - do you still got it and what would sex with someone else be like?

Wouldn't the "main question" be do you still have self-respect, the love of your husband, a stable home for your 6-year old and disease-free private parts ??? I'd rather have those than know I've "still got it"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[annaballerina]

Lily- I've been there. It's a nice feeling knowing someone finds you attractive and alluring to be attracted to them. Where I work- dental office I het male clients come in and we talk a lot chit chat while I'm cleaning their teeth. Not always easy to talk lol anyways I've felt that surge you're talking about. That body language and vibe you get from someone who clearly fancies you. It's harmless except when you act on it or it starts to take away from your main focus- your hubby. The fact you're putting this much thought into this man is not good. Maybe you're lacking something in your marriage? I know that's the case for me I miss and crave a man that wants to be with me physically. I've had a lot of interest and flirting but I refrain because of my love for my husband. Don't beat yourself up over it but do keep an eye on it

[dichotomy]

It is nice to feel desired and alive and sexually charged isn't it? But you need to stop the train right there - and simply enjoy the energy and vibe and the "could of gone for it" ......and not beat yourself up for it. I had something kind of similar happen (I think) recently,

 

As the the old joke goes "I would NEVER cheat on my wife !!!.......but it is nice to be asked!"

[Dean13]

Lily,

 

Wow. This is remarkably similar to what I posted a few minutes ago, switch the gender of the parties involved though. I wish I had some awesome advice for you, but I'm looking for answers to many of the same questions. I fear that with the way I'm acting and feeling that there's something wrong with my marriage, or seriously wrong with my ability to cope with my own feelings. If it helps, from your post I think your dealing with it a lot better than me.