Need Women's advice...

[Tino]

I have a very deep situation at hand. I have been in a relationship with not only the most beautiful girl in the

 

world ,but also the greatest person. I lover her to death.

 

It's been a couple of months since our break up due to a

 

mistake of mine.

 

I use to have a really good friend that use to work with

 

me. Nothing ever happened between me and this girl. I truly

 

just saw her as a friend and acted like it. I was friends

 

with this person two years before I met My girlfriend. In

 

March, she came at me at a party and I allowed something(intercourse)to start, but right away stopped it and told her I can't do this. I thought of my girl. See, my girlfriend found her ex, of 8 years, with another woman.

 

In March me and my girl have only been together for seven months. We had our conflicts as anyone in a relatioship. She questioned me because of my open personality with others. I'm very open and like to have fun and joke around. I questioned her lack of being naturally sweet to me and always got the same story as an answer. It was because of

 

her past and how he made her that way. I hated that answer. It made me feel like I wasn't changing her or moving her to the point where she forgot that betrayal.

 

My dilemma is that I am completely head over heels for

 

my girl. I am so in love with her and always been. She broke up with me because my so called friend started catching feelings for me without my knowledge. After that scene at the party we stayed as friends and would hold an e-mail connection. This friend, two months ago, called my girlfriend and told her what happened in March and sent her

 

some of the emails we had created throughout the summer.

 

I took blame for my actions and deeply apologized to her.

 

My girlfriend was devastated because I did everything for her. She believes that I kept doing stuff with this other

 

person,but it's not true and there's no way to prove it.

 

I confronted my x co-worker and asked her why she did it.

 

She said she did it out of pure jealousy. She planned it

 

all along. She said the rejection made her crazy. She told

 

my girl over the phone that I was seeing her for six months.

 

I never denied my actions in the party to my love and told

 

her I stopped it. But all she says to me is that I didn't

 

think of her to not allow anything to have occurred in the

 

first place. And the e-mail killed her heart. She says that

 

I knew of her past and still did it. I said I was so sorry.

 

I am. I haven't left my apartment for two months in fear

 

of something getting back to her, exemplifying that I don't

 

really care. She says to leave her alone and I do give her

 

that respect. I just don't want to lose her. I love her.

 

My question to anyone out there is:

 

What can I do to prove to her that I am truly in love with

 

her?? I want to marry her and if given the chance I know

 

I will never fail as a Man again. Do I have a chance???

 

Or should I just try to go on???

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nic]

ah tino, sometimes it really takes losing the one you love to realise how much you love them, hey? you silly boy!

 

i know i don't have to really tell you, but her trust in you has been betrayed in a huge way.

 

she may be over her ex, but it can be so much harder to get over betrayal like that. i would put my money on it that, like any human being, the betrayal in her past has left a great scar on her. she was probably so deeply affected by it, that she was so terrified of it happening again that she put her guard up. and it did happen again and my heart really goes out to her. i know how she feels and it is absolutely crushing.

 

YOU WRITE: I questioned

her lack of being naturally sweet to me and always got the same story as an answer. It was because of her past and how he made her that way. I hated that answer. It made me feel like I wasn't changing her or moving her to the point where she forgot that betrayal.

tino, you may have hated that answer and felt like you weren't moving her to forget that betrayal, but what you did to her has only brought back to her 1000 times worse what it's like to feel betrayed. you've moved in the completely opposite direction! you wanted to change her and steer her away from these feelings of the past, but you did completely the opposite by remaining friends with this "so called friend" and sending e-mails. is it any wonder she believes you "kept doing stuff" when you were emailing this other girl after the incident at the party?

 

everything your girlfriend said to you is right. i personally, don't understand how a person can be so head over heels in love, and think the world of someone , yet even consider intercourse with someone else. i'm sorry, but it is totally inconsiderate and totally selfish. the fact that you knew of your girlfriends past and how it made her feel, yet you still considered intercourse, is downright thoughtless and mean. even though you didn't go through with the act, the fact that you started it is enough. i fully understand where your girlfriend is coming from. there is nothing worse than having old wounds reopened by someone you thought you could trust. it is devestating.

 

i do think however, that you taking responsibility for your actions, acknowledging your mistake and showing so much remorse, is very good of you. but try to understand that the remorse you show and your ability to recognise this as a huge mistake, may have much less of an impact on her than what happened. her wounds run very deep now and they are not easy to heal. even through words and actions.

 

i know you love her and don't want to lose her, but it was your actions and your actions alone that have pushed her away. you're doing the right thing by respecting her wishes to be alone. she will need time on her own to try and handle this. it may be a lot harder for her to look you in the face knowing what you have done, and trust cannot be brought back into a relationship with the click of a finger.

 

from a girls point of view, i don't know if there is much you can do to prove you are truly in love with her. it would be hard for her to believe that when your actions did not prove true love.

 

i'll be honest - if this happened to me again, i really don't think i would be able to get back with the person. i would be scarred by the events, and i think i would always be scared that if they can do it once when they loved me so much, they could do it again, even if they say they wouldn't. i think if she were to take you back, you should consider couples counselling, and be prepared to always feel like you have to prove, prove, prove. that would be exhausting in the long run. expect that the issue of trust will constantly arise. do you want that?

 

i don't know if there's much you can do to prove your love for her. you've so far managed to prove how easy it was to even consider getting naked with someone else, but proving your remorse and love for her, is not going to be easy at all. of course she knows you love her, but the betrayal is the one thing that is hitting home for her.

 

if you feel it's the right thing to do, you can write her a letter telling her you respect her need to be alone, but you just need to tell her exactly what you are feeling, and that you can see a future together. just don't be surprised if she doesn't though. ask her if there is a chance for the 2 of you oneday, and be prepared for her to say no. she now has a huge stigma hanging over her head. (and this other b!tch, has a nerve to shatter your girlfriend simply out of jealousy and rejection. the spiteful cow.) but don't the force the issue. you have broken her heart, and betrayed her and ultimately, the decision is up to her.

 

you were the one who made the mistake, and she may never get over that. don't be surprised if you don't have a chance, and learn from your big mistake and use this lesson as something to go by in the future.

 

i'm sorry you feel so torn about what has happened, but just try and think twice in the future to avoid a situation like this. you live and learn and i hope you have learnt (i'm pretty sure by how this is affecting you, you have). but i honestly do feel more sorry for your girlfriend.

 

well, that's my girls point of view. keep us posted on how things go.

[Tino]

My god Nic, You just truly gave me the worst news of my life. But I do hear you loud and clear. I have admitted to

 

my actions, but doesn't it mean anything (anything at all)

 

that I was the one who stopped it?? Seven months is so new,

 

isn't it? I always have loved her but during the first few

 

months of this year I wasn't sure about her feelings towards me. It's a long story. We were fairly new. I wasn't in love with her yet.When I said I was head over heels, I meant presently and since that happened. Not that it's relevant anyway.

 

I just feel so horrible for what I did to her.

 

I cry about it everyday. There has to be something I can do.

 

Can she just analyze my heart for one minute and realize that's it's so true.

 

I forgot to mention something about the email. This other

 

person, before forwarding some stuff, added comments that

 

I have never written. I feel helpless because I can't prove

 

it to her. It would be easier to walk away from this if I

 

actually wrote and meant those things. For example, I was

 

listening to my favorite band one day at work (The Cure)

 

and she asked me to send her the words to 'Lovesong'. She

 

kept it and before sending it wrote that I dedicated it to

 

her. My girlfriend read that and well you know...

 

I'm just so sad that I can't be with her anymore and hold

 

her. I am not a bad guy, I just want her to know that I didn't do all that stuff. That's all. With that I can walk

 

away knowing that all her memories of me will not be overall tainted. I would love to hear from you again on this life draining incident. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It's all about her and since this happened

 

in March, it has always been.

 

You said that trust can't be brought back with a click

 

of a finger...what about a ring on her finger and a promise

 

before God????????

ah tino, sometimes it really takes losing the one you love to realise how much you love them, hey? you silly boy! i know i don't have to really tell you, but her trust in you has been betrayed in a huge way.

 

she may be over her ex, but it can be so much harder to get over betrayal like that. i would put my money on it that, like any human being, the betrayal in her past has left a great scar on her. she was probably so deeply affected by it, that she was so terrified of it happening again that she put her guard up. and it did happen again and my heart really goes out to her. i know how she feels and it is absolutely crushing. YOU WRITE: I questioned tino, you may have hated that answer and felt like you weren't moving her to forget that betrayal, but what you did to her has only brought back to her 1000 times worse what it's like to feel betrayed. you've moved in the completely opposite direction! you wanted to change her and steer her away from these feelings of the past, but you did completely the opposite by remaining friends with this "so called friend" and sending e-mails. is it any wonder she believes you "kept doing stuff" when you were emailing this other girl after the incident at the party? everything your girlfriend said to you is right. i personally, don't understand how a person can be so head over heels in love, and think the world of someone , yet even consider intercourse with someone else. i'm sorry, but it is totally inconsiderate and totally selfish. the fact that you knew of your girlfriends past and how it made her feel, yet you still considered intercourse, is downright thoughtless and mean. even though you didn't go through with the act, the fact that you started it is enough. i fully understand where your girlfriend is coming from. there is nothing worse than having old wounds reopened by someone you thought you could trust. it is devestating.

 

i do think however, that you taking responsibility for your actions, acknowledging your mistake and showing so much remorse, is very good of you. but try to understand that the remorse you show and your ability to recognise this as a huge mistake, may have much less of an impact on her than what happened. her wounds run very deep now and they are not easy to heal. even through words and actions.

 

i know you love her and don't want to lose her, but it was your actions and your actions alone that have pushed her away. you're doing the right thing by respecting her wishes to be alone. she will need time on her own to try and handle this. it may be a lot harder for her to look you in the face knowing what you have done, and trust cannot be brought back into a relationship with the click of a finger. from a girls point of view, i don't know if there is much you can do to prove you are truly in love with her. it would be hard for her to believe that when your actions did not prove true love. i'll be honest - if this happened to me again, i really don't think i would be able to get back with the person. i would be scarred by the events, and i think i would always be scared that if they can do it once when they loved me so much, they could do it again, even if they say they wouldn't. i think if she were to take you back, you should consider couples counselling, and be prepared to always feel like you have to prove, prove, prove. that would be exhausting in the long run. expect that the issue of trust will constantly arise. do you want that? i don't know if there's much you can do to prove your love for her. you've so far managed to prove how easy it was to even consider getting naked with someone else, but proving your remorse and love for her, is not going to be easy at all. of course she knows you love her, but the betrayal is the one thing that is hitting home for her.

 

if you feel it's the right thing to do, you can write her a letter telling her you respect her need to be alone, but you just need to tell her exactly what you are feeling, and that you can see a future together. just don't be surprised if she doesn't though. ask her if there is a chance for the 2 of you oneday, and be prepared for her to say no. she now has a huge stigma hanging over her head. (and this other b!tch, has a nerve to shatter your girlfriend simply out of jealousy and rejection. the spiteful cow.) but don't the force the issue. you have broken her heart, and betrayed her and ultimately, the decision is up to her. you were the one who made the mistake, and she may never get over that. don't be surprised if you don't have a chance, and learn from your big mistake and use this lesson as something to go by in the future. i'm sorry you feel so torn about what has happened, but just try and think twice in the future to avoid a situation like this. you live and learn and i hope you have learnt (i'm pretty sure by how this is affecting you, you have). but i honestly do feel more sorry for your girlfriend.

 

well, that's my girls point of view. keep us posted on how things go.

[Nic]

sorry tino, what i said is because i have felt her pain. i didn't mean to upset you. but then again, my ex didn't try to run back and i always thought if he did, i wouldn't take him back. but that's just me 'thinking' what i would have done if he tried to take me back. i know girls who haven't taken a guy back after that, but i also know girls who have (my sister for one - he cheated twice).

 

the best you can do tino, is try. tell her that she needs to hear the truth from you, because you are both agonising over it and the truth may shed some light. tell her everything this horrible girl has done (if you saved your emails, she will see exactly where the other girl added comments, because they won't be on your saved messages). tell her you hate to see her beating herself over what she "thinks" is the truth.

 

or, i'd ring this other b!tch up, and say to her nicely, "i understand that you felt rejected, but you have hurt an innocent person here, and i would like you to tell her or write her that you made up lies and you are sorry. my girlfriend needs to heal, she did nothing wrong to you". hey, it's worth a shot. even if she isn't sorry (which she probably isn't), she had no right to try and ruin things for you and your girlfriend. if this other girl still likes you, it might be worth telling her (for arguments sake), that you're not getting back with your girlfriend. because if she thinks you are, she might get all jealous and spiteful and not even consider calling her. and if she does apologise, and tries to come on to you, tell her to sod off.

 

do you have any friends who know the situation and know that this other girl manipulated the story and told lies out of jealousy? if you do, maybe they could talk to your girlfriend and spill out the truth. or even someone in her family who knows, perhaps, or another workmate you trust.

 

or even show her these posts you have sent, where you are telling the truth. maybe she really does need to hear it from you, just how much you love her. because there's probably a part of her that doubts if you do. you love her more than ever now, what has happened has proved that, and maybe she needs to know that. and she also needs to know it will NEVER happen again. whether this will work, i can't say, but maybe she needs reassurance and a lot of it. she will also need a lot time too, though.

 

you know, i suppose it is fair to give someone a second chance. some people are just terrified because they can't bear to go through something like this again. try to talk to her in person if you can, and if she won't allow that, send her a letter or an email, explaining everything. don't make it too long. the facts and your feelings. she will read it.

 

she might still want time on herself, but don't freak too much. she's adjusting to something very painful. but perhaps the truth will help her adjust better.

 

i really do wish you the best of luck tino. it's so tricky sometimes to really know what to do and not knowing what's going to happen, but the only way to get around this is to try, try, try. at least you will be able to say you gave it your best shot.

My god Nic, You just truly gave me the worst news of my life. But I do hear you loud and clear. I have admitted to my actions, but doesn't it mean anything (anything at all) that I was the one who stopped it?? Seven months is so new, isn't it? I always have loved her but during the first few months of this year I wasn't sure about her feelings towards me. It's a long story. We were fairly new. I wasn't in love with her yet.When I said I was head over heels, I meant presently and since that happened. Not that it's relevant anyway. I just feel so horrible for what I did to her. I cry about it everyday. There has to be something I can do. Can she just analyze my heart for one minute and realize that's it's so true. I forgot to mention something about the email. This other person, before forwarding some stuff, added comments that I have never written. I feel helpless because I can't prove it to her. It would be easier to walk away from this if I actually wrote and meant those things. For example, I was listening to my favorite band one day at work (The Cure) and she asked me to send her the words to 'Lovesong'. She kept it and before sending it wrote that I dedicated it to her. My girlfriend read that and well you know... I'm just so sad that I can't be with her anymore and hold her. I am not a bad guy, I just want her to know that I didn't do all that stuff. That's all. With that I can walk away knowing that all her memories of me will not be overall tainted. I would love to hear from you again on this life draining incident. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It's all about her and since this happened in March, it has always been. You said that trust can't be brought back with a click of a finger...what about a ring on her finger and a promise before God????????