lynn1954 Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 Many of us are OW or BS who are currently experiencing the worst pain, anger, other turmoil, or we've started to recover but still hurting a lot from pain, anger, other turmoil. Is there an OW or BS who feels that you've already healed successfully? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 I'm over 4 years out, so not as close to it, but if it's any consolation. I am healed and doing well . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lynn1954 Posted April 26, 2013 Author Share Posted April 26, 2013 (edited) Overcoming FOO issues is extremely difficult. The first step is knowing the FOO issues. That in itself is a huge victory. FOO issues are like inherited traits and have been called memes. They become part of the fabric of a person. Here's my sarcastic "thank you" for the thread-jack, Pierre, much appreciated (NOT!) Miss Bee and Lady Grey, sincere thank you for answering my actual question! It's good to hear that you're doing well. I'm hoping to hear more non-threadjack answers, too. Edited April 26, 2013 by lynn1954 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 I'm about 9 months out. I think for the most part in over it. Every now and the. (thankfully few and far between) I have " a moment". Last night actually was one of those. xMM doesnt come into my mind much. Still a work in progress but I think Im on the up side concerning the A and xMM Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 7 months since I broke up with him and I've reached the stage where I can see his name and not cringe. I'm getting there. I still think of him, but I think that I have accepted our situation. I'm no longer hurt, nor do I feel any anger. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 I'm not trying to T/J, but can someone tell me what FOO is? I keep reading it and can't follow the posts because I don't know the terminology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted April 26, 2013 Share Posted April 26, 2013 almost 6 months out. 4.5 of it no contact. i'm well on the way to being over it completely... still have bad days but they're fewer and farther between. last month or so was hard, it's about the time when it all started and there are a lot of triggers, i would possibly be much better if there weren't so many things reminding me of him. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 2 1/2 years out, I'm doing really good and I'm healed as to things relating to the affair. However I'm still working on foo issues. Me too! I'm not healed from all and every issue I have . I'm just not in pain over the A relationship or any other for that matter. But certainly some of the influences, which have caused me to make not so smart relationship choices, still exist and don't magically go away, and I'm working through those everyday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine6 Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 It depends Do I pine for him? Not at all. Am I over everything that went on...I don't know if I ever will be. But my A ending was real terrible and definitely not the norm. I think being ok means indifference towards him. I am still irrationally mad..or maybe it is rational but I think the degree of anger I hold within may be close to crazy irrational. Anger, mad..volatile, furious, incensed , foaming, ballistic, disgusted..I guess if you could compound all the words that would be me. So I guess I'm not over it. It's been a year and a half. "He who angers you, controls you" I try to remember this quote when I'm feeling anger towards him because the last thing I want him to have is control over how I feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 (edited) It's funny you even started this thread, just yesterday I wanted to register & tell everyone how well I was doing in recovery as a former OW & then today something happened that made me take 2 steps back. A mutual friend of mine made a fake FB page to spy on her first love and added a bunch of his friends including my ex-mm (they were mutual friends) I asked, "why did you do that?" She said, "I was just being nosey & I wanted to know how he was living." I said, "why don't you just call him". She said, "he won't talk to me." Even though she knew him for 20 years he dropped her like a bad habit after D-day because his wife told him to. She was the one who introduced us. Anywho, I don't know why, but it opened up an old wound for me. I was in bed all day again today. The energy wiped right out of me. Appetite gone. I don't want him or his wife to think it's me. I want them to reconcile & do what they need to do and heal. My friend just doesn't think before she does things sometimes. So to the betrayed spouses out there, it isn't always the ex-ow trying to contact your husbands. Sometimes it's THE OW's STUPID FRIENDS, lol. So I guess to answer your question, here is how my recovery has progressed... Mar 2012: Developed mutual crush on mm April 2012: Lots of talking online while he was at work May 2012: Emotional online affair turns physical June 2012: So called "love" was in the air...more like fog. July 2012: Promises remained broken (D-Day) I told his wife Aug 2012: NC ~ I was hurt but was in denial & escaping Sep 2012: Realized he wasn't coming back & hit rock bottom Oct 2012: In bed, no energy, depressed, couldn't do nothing Nov 2012: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Dec 2012: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Jan 2013: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Feb 2013: Same as October (confronted wife, stalking stopped) Mar 2013: Same as October, but add a dash of anger! April 2013: FINALLY COMING INTO ACCEPTANCE! *minus today involving my dumb friend's mishap* LoL It does get better. My pointers for you would be this: #1 NO CONTACT IS A MUST!!!#2 Learn about BOUNDARIES (My biggest lesson learned)#3 Getting back into the gym & tanning SAVED ME!#4 Getting back into photography saved me as well.#5 Make some new friends, rekindle old ones, GO OUT!!#6 Last but not least, keep stupid friend's @ arm's length, lol. Edited April 27, 2013 by LoveBitesButSoDoI 3 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Mar 2012: Developed mutual crush on mm April 2012: Lots of talking online while he was at work May 2012: Emotional online affair turns physical June 2012: So called "love" was in the air...more like fog. July 2012: Promises remained broken (D-Day) I told his wife Aug 2012: NC ~ I was hurt but was in denial & escaping Sep 2012: Realized he wasn't coming back & hit rock bottom Oct 2012: In bed, no energy, depressed, couldn't do nothing Nov 2012: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Dec 2012: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Jan 2013: Same as October (his wife was stalking my twitter) Feb 2013: Same as October (confronted wife, stalking stopped) Mar 2013: Same as October, but add a dash of anger! April 2013: FINALLY COMING INTO ACCEPTANCE! *minus today involving my dumb friend's mishap* LoL It does get better. My pointers for you would be this: #1 NO CONTACT IS A MUST!!!#2 Learn about BOUNDARIES (the biggest lesson learned)#3 Getting back into the gym & tanning SAVED ME!#4 Getting back into photography saved me as well.#5 Make some new friends, rekindle old ones, GO OUT!!#6 Last but not least, keep stupid friend's @ arm's length, lol. Yes, to photography. It consumes you! However, in my case, he's an awesome photographer so it reminds me of him. But yes, it does get better. Gym, def for the endorphins! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 One more thing. Usually if it is taking you super long to heal, it usually means you are not only grieving your ex-MM, you are grieving somebody from your past (an old relationship, a death in the family, a broken friendship) that you never fully grieved or possibly put off grieving. Find out who that person is for you and grieve them properly, otherwise you can't move on or you will find yourself repeating the same behaviors. A good therapist will tell you this. Link to post Share on other sites
ViresSanctity Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Many of us are OW or BS who are currently experiencing the worst pain, anger, other turmoil, or we've started to recover but still hurting a lot from pain, anger, other turmoil. Is there an OW or BS who feels that you've already healed successfully? Thank you. I wanted to make this thread, but I was still focusing on my recovery (only been what 8-9 days?) that I didn't think it was time for me to worry about other people's yet. I just wanted to add, was recovering from the A any longer from past relationship break ups? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 No turmoil for me over the last thing. Link to post Share on other sites
bellasue Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 I am at day 14, so I'm still dealing with the initial pain and grief as well. My personal thought is that it will definitely be more difficult than a regular breakup. First, I am much older than the last time I got dumped by a boyfriend--like somewhere back 25 years when I was in high school. Back then my feelings were much more superficial--the love I feel right now for my xAP is deep and significant to me. I could have totally seen a future for us. Also, the nature of affairs is that you have to grieve in private.......we all have day-to-day lives we need to live in a somewhat composed manner in spite of the pain we are feeling. Finally, the person (AP) who you probably have been confiding in during the affair (right or wrong) is no longer available as a shoulder to cry on or a friend to call. Tough all around. For those who have healed successfully and fully......what tips do you have for us in the throws of our misery? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 One more thing. Usually if it is taking you super long to heal, it usually means you are not only grieving your ex-MM, you are grieving somebody from your past (an old relationship, a death in the family, a broken friendship) that you never fully grieved or possibly put off grieving. Find out who that person is for you and grieve them properly, otherwise you can't move on or you will find yourself repeating the same behaviors. A good therapist will tell you this. So what happens when your xMM, the old relationship from the past and the broken friendship from the past are one in the same???...I'm screwed... not really...I'm over it...NC for 4 months...total NC...but we had so many d-days and I think I gradually detached and expected the next one so I guess you could say I had a head start by the time the 4 or 5 d-day came around...for me enough was enough at that point...and that made it "easier" to get over...when ur done ur done...and that made it a quicker recovery I guess...plus new friends, new hobbies, new projects...that helped too a lot... Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 I'm not in turmoil, I'm still healing, I have my days but they have been few and far between. I still see xmw as I have gone back to the front of the school and I refuse to allow her to run me off. I no longer pine for her, I no longer secretly hope she'll contact me, I no longer care what her real reason for ending it was, I no longer need answers nor would I beleive any that would be given at this point in time. I am not indifferent yet... but I'll get there at some point, I'm not worried about it. If anything I am in the anger stage, moreso than anything but most of my anger is directed towards me for being such a moronic moron. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 I'm not in turmoil, I'm still healing, I have my days but they have been few and far between. I still see xmw as I have gone back to the front of the school and I refuse to allow her to run me off. I no longer pine for her, I no longer secretly hope she'll contact me, I no longer care what her real reason for ending it was, I no longer need answers nor would I beleive any that would be given at this point in time. I am not indifferent yet... but I'll get there at some point, I'm not worried about it. If anything I am in the anger stage, moreso than anything but most of my anger is directed towards me for being such a moronic moron. RickFox- do you think is she had just gone NC without all the jerking around that went on (I'm familiar with your story) you'd feel less for her? Even anger is an emotion...its indifference we all want. It must be hard to sit have to see her. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 RickFox- do you think is she had just gone NC without all the jerking around that went on (I'm familiar with your story) you'd feel less for her? Even anger is an emotion...its indifference we all want. It must be hard to sit have to see her. I dont think that would have made it different, I guess in the end what I wanted was the truth. I didn't need to be made into the bad guy when it was both of us who were at fault. I didn't need to be told "we" were stupid, as at the time I didn't feel I was. I didn't need to feel like I was a toy (yeah I actually went there) . I simply needed honesty, the pain would have been there but it would have been easier to deal with I think. I know that anger is an emotion and it ties us to that person to an extent but I enjoy the anger that comes with all this, at least the part directed to her. I'll get to indifference. As far as it being hard to seeing her......Not anymore! I tried it before, and that's why I banished myself to the back of the school for last year and part of this year. I then saw her and really felt nothing and so I made the decision to go back, some to remind her I was still around and mainly for me. Thing is, I no longer look for her and when I've seen her, she waits until the last minute to enter the school and my back is to the door. I leave as soon as my daughter comes out, I never care to look in her direction nor check to see if she is looking my way. I am there for my daughter and that's it. She is just another parent there and that's how I see it now. So no, it's not that difficult seeing her as she is a stranger to me, as far as I'm concerned, I never really knew her (what I knew wasn't the truth) and I don't know her now. I made the choice to be seen because I live in this damn town as well and I'm going to go where I want to go and if she's there, she can do what she's been doing, act like I don't exist, because I never will exist for her ever again. She once told me "I don't know where I'll be in 5 years." My response simply was "I know where I WON'T be." Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Still in turmoil..... Before all of this I would have considered myself one of the strongest willed people that I know...I have overcome great adversity in my life, but nothing compares to this. I have fears sometimes that I will never recover. Hope everyone gets to the point of moving on soon... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
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