13 Years gone, 1 month in

[WreckedDan]

Here goes,

 

I've been with my wife for 13 years, married 10+ we have an 8year old daughter, 3 dogs (hers/mine/my moms), her cat and her fish.

 

I'm going to try to be as detailed as possible so I'm sorry if this is long winded.

 

Me: My parents were divorced when I was 2. Mother was very depressed for years over this and I was often very much put between my parents, with their snide remarks about each other. Father cheated and married that woman (who he has been devoted to this whole time, they are 75+ and love life) He was always traveling to exotic locations as a Dive instructor/Travel Agent.

 

Wife: Polygamist parents. Mother loves to blame everyone for her problems. Father left the families over 20 years ago due to law issues coming at him. Also a severe alcoholic and drug user. He lived as a bum for this whole time out of an AA place in California.

 

Us: We got together because I was best friends with her brother at the time and she and I had shared interests. We went out on a date with a couple that I was hanging out with and we've been together ever since.

Early on we joined a dart league with that couple and went drinking and dancing quite often. I had been intentional single for 3 years because of a break up before. And she had been single a couple months after breaking up with a hard core drug user. I had been out of work for a year, living on my parent's land in a small 18' mobile trailer and enjoying myself with some money I had left from a small business I ran that I lost due to a lease problem. She was unemployed and living at her other brother's house with her mom and her brother's wife.

At this time I had about 300 bucks left to my name, and I was obviously getting involved with someone for the first time in a long time so I went and got a job with a supermarket doing graveyard shifts. She went and got a job at a garden nursery which she really loved. It was perfect timing for both of us. We were both really starting our lives. I was 27 and she was 25.

Due to my past relationship being built on intensity I was wary of being burned again, so I actually made us wait an entire month before making love, to be sure that what I was getting into was going to be healthy and nondestructive. The first time we had sex, we were actually both sleeping... We woke up mid sex. But from then on, it was on. Sex was great with her.

After a month and a half we went and got an apartment and she had picked up another job (as the first one was very part time at best) working for a store that allowed her to dress nicely every day. She made a few friends there, and we were both really enjoying the time we had together. Our schedules never really matched up but that was okay because it allowed us to both have free time of our own and still have a few hours every day to spend together.

After a year and a bit I proposed on New Years Eve. I handed her the ring while we were at my parents place going for a walk out by an area overlooking the valley below just as the fireworks started. It was pretty perfect. We were married August 24th.

My mother became the mother she always wanted to have, my dad, though always a distant man in some ways really took to my wife and my whole family loved her like a daughter. Her mother didn't even come to the wedding. Her father was still completely out of the picture.

I had started a new job which a really liked working at a casino in the bar department. Lowest rung of the job but I made pretty decent tips and it was a job I was good at. (I've moved up the ladder to middle management now making decent wages)

Around this time, my grandmother who my mother had been taking care of passed away from Alzheimers. When she died she had willed a 1/4 to me, 1/4 to my little brother and 1/2 to my mother. My mother requested that my brother and I turn ours over to her so she could build a future for the family and in doing so she would sell us the place they were staying for a very decent price (rent to own style) and my brother got the same type of deal on a rental place they had. It was for family so of course we agreed.

Now this is likely the first point of contention. My wife was always bothered that the house wasn't in our name. I liked it that way because if anything went wrong with us we couldn't have the house taken away. My wife had stared drinking pretty regularly at this time.

Shortly there after my wife became pregnant. She immediately quit smoking, quit drinking and had a new job closer to home. This is when I really started to climb the ladder at work too, so it seemed we were doing all the right things. We were both very happy.

about 3 months before my daughter was born my wife was put on bed rest. We were doing some major renovations to our place so we went and stayed at my mothers huge place she had bought on the lake. My step dad and brother did all the work on my place because I was working a lot and I'm not very handy. The work to the house wasn't complete by the time my daughter was born (second point of contention for the wife as she wanted to be in her own home starting our life as a family) my mother was very involved in the day to day with my wife and child witch bothered my wife some too. Within a month we had moved back into our home. My step dad had left some work to be done as he was upset that I hadn't put more personal time into the project, but we got through that.

Life was amazing, everything you see in movies, it's like watching a home movie of your kid growing up, the perfect family.

When my daughter was 2 my mother told us she had cancer. She died when my daughter was 3. Before she died she spent a ton of money taking the family on a trip to Disney World and trying to buy stuff for everyone (a big toy in the yard for my daughter, a green house for my wife) At this point I'm learning I went into a depression. But I didn't really know because my wife did as well and I was so busy consoling her that I didn't take time for myself. However my wife's happiness became my happiness.

Now, through all this my wife has been a stay at home mom, for 5 years. She did everything around the house. Maintained everything, while I worked 40+ it seemed like a great partnership. She mentioned from time to time, things she wanted to do more, like camping or hiking (I'm not really out doorsy) and that she wanted me to be more involved in the more "manly" aspects in our lives, like she would build a rock wall by hand then complain that I wasn't out there helping her. But she always loved that stuff and I never pretended to. (this is the largest part she had issues with)

In the last couple of years the sex between us had become almost scheduled. And I wanted more, this started arguments, we weren't communicating as well as we had in the past. (If anyone is reading this and you are at this point GET COUNSELING NOW!) I think we were both repressing a lot of feelings.

Fast forward... around 6 months ago, her father came back into town and started living at her sister's place. My wife started going over there once in a while. She started connecting to her family... (highly dysfunctional to say the least) She had started drinking again a couple years ago and we had fought about it a few times. Now she started smoking weed daily when she wasn't drinking.

About 2 months ago she had gone to her sister's place for the night and when she came home we had some friends over and she got a text on her new phone I had just bought her. I saw the text and it was a name I didn't recognize. Saying "Are you hung over?"

I asked her about who this guy was and she said he was just a friend that had looked her up on Facebook after like 15 years. I got the vibe... I asked her about him, and she said I had nothing to worry about, he was some fat trucker guy and laughed it off, she said I'll stop talking to him if it bothers you... I of course said no, if its' nothing it's nothing. Well after a week or so I started to feel suspicions and looked him up on Facebook, his pic was of him jumping a motorcross, so yeah, not a fat trucker guy...

So one night my gut was telling me everything was not right here. I got on her computer and looked at her history and saw that she had been messaging him back and forth a lot. Also during this time she had been going to bed early, like right before I got home and coming home from work right when I was leaving... totally avoiding me. She had been spending more and more time at her sister's bringing our daughter for the weekend then dropping her off with me on mine. So I confronted her and asked if she was cheating on me. She of course said no and that she was just needing some space.

Bring on the death spiral... she wanted space I said okay then instinctively started grasping for more of her, texting more, calling more... basically everything I could to drive her away... Then one day about a month ago, she walked up to me and handed me her wedding ring, and said it was over.

Since then she has moved in full time at her sister's place. She had my daughter with her. We had a few long talks in which she said she felt she had to choose her family over me, so I went there to bury the hatchet with her sister and my wife wasn't there, she was out with the Facebook guy. So I picked up my daughter and I have had her almost full time here since I won't let my daughter be in that house without my wife's full attention. Her sister and her sister's man had a domestic violence issue, they all smoke a ton of weed daily, and they are all massive alcoholics.

Since this time I've wanted to kill myself multiple times, I've come to find that I've put all my eggs in her basket so much so that I don't know how to even do normal things around the house. Last night I watched our two favorite shows on a night that we most enjoyed and it tore my heart out. I cry hours a day. I know I can't have her back, she's adamant that she's happy.

I asked her yesterday if she took any responsibility for what she's done and she said "Being Happy? Moving on with my life?" She could care less about me, though when ever she comes to visit our daughter she makes food or leaves me shopping tips. Of course she also takes a small amount of her things each time so it's ripping me apart.

 

I need a break from this. It's probably so long no one will read it anyways.

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So.. break over.

 

I honestly think about offing myself daily. I don't eat, can't sleep, all I do every day is wake up with my voice saying I hate myself and I'm not worthwhile. Songs about breaking up looping over and over. Songs like "The final countdown" or "Hold on for one more day" driving me crazy, then my alarm goes off and I pretend to hold everything together long enough to get my daughter on the buss before I break down and try to sleep more, which is just me lying in bed with my mind on overdrive.

 

I've reached out to friends as much as possible but I think they are all sick of hearing from me at this point. I'm dealing with two depressions, and suddenly all the responsibilities my wife had are in my lap.

 

Did I mention that "ring day" was less than a week before I went on vacation for my daughter's birthday and mine and that we had plans to do a lot of fun things. I've taken an extra week off from work for FMLA to get my head straight but it's not working, I have to go back in a matter of days and I'm terrified. I'm sure everyone at work knows what's up at this point and I dread dealing with everyone trying to be consoling there. Especially as I am a manager.

 

We spent our daughter's birthday at the zoo for her, but it was terrible for me, being with my wife and her avoiding eye contact almost the whole time.

 

My wife does and says a lot of supportive things, like I need to start doing things for myself, but since my daughter was born I haven't. I felt guilty going out with friends because I wanted to be with my family. Now I can't even imagine how people learn to be alone. I need serious help. I started seeing a therapist and she says I've buried my anger so deeply that I'm not feeling it at all, it's covered in grief and guilt. Wish she told me how to get out of this freaking hole. I'm in a tar pit that I sink deeper and deeper into each day.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

She just texted saying she got off work early and would like to pick up our daughter from the bus stop to take her to the park (which we planned yesterday other than the early pick up) I texted back "That's fine."

 

My heart is breaking/racing!

 

Last night was Thursday and we always watched our favorite shows together and had snacks before she went to bed. Was a really hard night not to try to text her about the shows.

 

LC is HARD!

[WreckedDan]

I did something stupid. I looked at her email... There was a picture she sent herself of her f*cking the guy she's with now, and a picture of his face in another shot.

 

This guy showed up at a bar I was at a few months ago trying to pick a fight with me. This has been going on for months. I'm either going to kill my self or go insane... these pictures are forever stuck in my head!

 

If my daughter wasn't asleep in her bed right now I'd kill myself.

[Shocked Suzie]

I did something stupid. I looked at her email... There was a picture she sent herself of her f*cking the guy she's with now, and a picture of his face in another shot.

 

This guy showed up at a bar I was at a few months ago trying to pick a fight with me. This has been going on for months. I'm either going to kill my self or go insane... these pictures are forever stuck in my head!

 

If my daughter wasn't asleep in her bed right now I'd kill myself.

 

Dan

 

I know this is all really hard and what you have just seen is awful but please try to calm down....try not to think too much at the moment and think of your daughters life if you wasn't around! It sounds like with your wife's self centered way, drinking issues your daughter needs you 100%

 

Me and you are blessed to have our kids full time! Focus on that for the moment....is there a friend you could call up? Just to come and sit with you, even if you don't talk about what is going on, just for some company

 

I'd also recommend speaking to your staff, you don't need to go into detail, just tell them so they understand what's going on and you'll be surprised at what support you'll get...you'll probably hear a while heap of stories about there lives which will make you realize your not alone

 

Hang in there, get back to work and keep busy as possible....

[WreckedDan]

Thank you very much for the reply. I will say that after weeks of "how can I fix things" "How can I be better for her" that is all out the window. To know that not only has she been chatting with this D-bag for at least a year and that she's been blatantly lying to me about it has pushed me to the point that I would love to no longer see her EVER. Sadly we have a precious 8yr old daughter that needs us both, though I'm really not sure her mother is in anyways a positive role model at this point.

 

I did in fact call a friend who came and spent a few hours with me tonight. He let me talk out some of my issues. What's baffling to me is that for at least 12 of the 13 years we have spent together have been so fulfilling for the entire time, even through the minor ups and downs that this is all SO UNLIKE her. She is now seen to me as a completely different person. I would never take her back. I'm done with her. Now to figure out how to move forward and do my best to take the high road.

 

I will definitely confront her about this situation as she obviously had to have told this D-bag where I was the night that he showed up starting sh*t. So either he was there to size me up or they were trying to set me up for some assault charge... very close there.

 

I've been told by my therapist to get in touch with my anger... well, done and done. Now to keep it in check while rolling through this next phase.

 

The current plan is to have the wife come to my place during my work week to watch our daughter until I get home at night. This will be torture, but I will endure for the sake of my precious little one.

 

I texted her after finding this out, simply saying "Since you offered, I would appreciate it if you would remove your belongings from the house. And please only do so when I am home. Thank you."

 

I know this is fresh and I dread the way I will feel in the morning but, I'm so done. This might have been a bit of a blessing in some ways.

 

I intend to continue to post and LOVE the feed back.

 

Thank you,

Hope all is well.

[Shocked Suzie]

Thank you very much for the reply. I will say that after weeks of "how can I fix things" "How can I be better for her" that is all out the window. To know that not only has she been chatting with this D-bag for at least a year and that she's been blatantly lying to me about it has pushed me to the point that I would love to no longer see her EVER. Sadly we have a precious 8yr old daughter that needs us both, though I'm really not sure her mother is in anyways a positive role model at this point.

 

I did in fact call a friend who came and spent a few hours with me tonight. He let me talk out some of my issues. What's baffling to me is that for at least 12 of the 13 years we have spent together have been so fulfilling for the entire time, even through the minor ups and downs that this is all SO UNLIKE her. She is now seen to me as a completely different person. I would never take her back. I'm done with her. Now to figure out how to move forward and do my best to take the high road.

 

I will definitely confront her about this situation as she obviously had to have told this D-bag where I was the night that he showed up starting sh*t. So either he was there to size me up or they were trying to set me up for some assault charge... very close there.

 

I've been told by my therapist to get in touch with my anger... well, done and done. Now to keep it in check while rolling through this next phase.

 

The current plan is to have the wife come to my place during my work week to watch our daughter until I get home at night. This will be torture, but I will endure for the sake of my precious little one.

 

I texted her after finding this out, simply saying "Since you offered, I would appreciate it if you would remove your belongings from the house. And please only do so when I am home. Thank you."

 

I know this is fresh and I dread the way I will feel in the morning but, I'm so done. This might have been a bit of a blessing in some ways.

 

I intend to continue to post and LOVE the feed back.

 

Thank you,

Hope all is well.

 

its great you sound more positive i'm the same we had a happy marriage with no and i mean no major issues, his affair, him leaving me and the kids was a total shock...to make things worse, i seriously don't know who he is now! he is a total different person, yes i get that towards me...but with his kids!! that is a different situation all together! I too allow me xh to come into my house to see the children, for the kids sake and stability ...he now calls that babysitting duites...hello they are teenagers! and his kids!! wtf??

 

I would pack her stuff in bags and leave it for her to collect/take when she next comes, stick a post it note on it to tell her to take it. Personally i would rise above giving her or her OM an ounce of your energy...were is it going to get you?? rise above it .... take you anger out in a journal and a run!...take your daughter out for the day

 

its so tempting to drop email/texts but trust me ive done it many times...it gets you nowhere! keep in child care/finance only...short sharp n simple!

 

be prepared for many attitude changes over the next few weeks/months, protect yourself, youchild care arrangments, keep note of everything, emails, texts the lot! she will change, things will likely get pretty difficult..be ready

Edited April 27, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Steen719]

Dan,

You must reach out now to others to help you, as you did with your friend. You would do it for them, right? Family and friends want to help you. I could not have made it without them and I was so very fortunate to have them to reach out to. Please do not leave your suicide as a legacy for your daughter. You can get through this. It's hard, I know, many of us know. I was so sad for so long.

 

Honestly, Dan, knowing about the OM might be the blessing you mentioned. I always found it easier not to get in touch with my XH because I knew he was with someone else. I don't know that this will follow for you, but I don't have any interest in being with him anymore. The first year was hell and I dreamed about him, missed him like mad, cried my eyes out, talked about it a lot and I left him d/t infidelity. 2 years post Dday, I am not interested in being with him at all and of course, his relationship did not work out and he has come back around. My point, which has taken me too long to get to (sorry), is that even if you do not believe it now, you will not feel the same next year or the year after. BUT, you will always have your daughter's love. My mother died when I was young and I was very close to my brothers and my father. I mean, I really admired and loved my dad a lot and his strength was something I always tried to emulate.

 

Pull yourself up now, cry when you have to, go do some fun things with your daughter - take she and some friends to somewhere fun. I promise you, Dan, better days are on their way. Years ago, a friend told me that when I was upset at how my life was going to realize that life would be different in 5 years. She was right. Things change quickly in this life.

 

For right now, hold onto any moments that are good and remember them when you are at your lowest. You will have more and more good moments until the majority of the time, you will feel good and have a few bad times. HOLD ON! Better times are ahead! If you feel suicidal again, call your therapist or a hot-line or a friend

[WreckedDan]

Why is waking up the hardest thing to do. I use prescription sleeping pills. I slept two hours and woke up panicked. I took another one and slept for another two hours. Today I feel emotionally drained. Complete loss. The woman I married is gone, and this cheating, uncaring person is left.

 

It's the weekend and both my wife and daughter have the day off... Wife says she can't come see her daughter so she can work on getting a place. I know this is BS and that she's just spending time with the c*cksucker that has replaced me.

 

I tried to call my councilor to tell her about what I found but was only able to leave a message. I don't know what to do with myself, I have no energy at all, I'm only posting to get some of this out of my head and hope for some kind of positive feed back.

 

I'm sure my wife is waiting for Summer vacation then she thinks she's going to end up with my daughter more time because of my work schedule. I'm terrified she's playing another long game on me. She's obviously shown now that she's capable of being terribly deceitful.

 

God Help me!

[TailSpin75]

Hi Dan - so sorry to read about your story. Mine is not so different - though I'm approaching 5 months now. I have two children (13 and 8 year old girls) - they too are heartbroken, they grieve, and they say things that just tear me up.

 

As hard as it is to believe now it does get easier. The first 6 weeks for me was a completely dark and terrifying place - I had the hardest time even seeing my children during that period. I hit a low so bad - that I didn't believe I was going to be around for long. But as time passed - new perspectives would come and go and that emotional fog slowly began to lift.

 

What feels like a perpetual near death experience eventually starts to break with brief moments of not being overwhelmed. There's nothing that's going to take away what you feel and I am sorry for that - it's the nature of this experience and why I know that 'she'll' never be able to understand the wake of destruction she has caused without experiencing it for herself.

 

I have taken to the high road - and that is incredibly tough, but I've done it for almost 2 months now and know I'm capable of pulling it off (at least in my interactions with her). I still need to take time to grieve, to be there for my children when they struggle, and of course - work and live as best as I can. Some days are certainly better than others - but even at my worst now I know it's just a matter of enduring.

 

It's a process and it's long, it's slow, and it is agonizing - but it does change with time.

 

You are moving through this - to a place where 'she' will not dominate your thoughts as she probably does now. I've found that I have become desensitized to certain thoughts while others still eat me up from time to time. I encourage you to not act out of emotion when it comes to 'her' - do your best to not reach out or even share anything about what you're going through with her.

 

Keep doing your best Dan - to weather the emotional storms and to do what you need to do when you need to do them. Use the rest of your time to explore what you can do to distract your mind (I hated hearing that advice). The situation cannot be a part of your every thought the entire time you're awake - it's not productive - you must begin searching for that balance between grieving and some distraction. Read, journal, and surfing the web about the grieving process were things I did. Reading posts - and about grieving gave me an idea of what I was (and continue) to face and a general idea of what I could expect from myself. It does get easier Dan, ever so slowly, but it will happen.

[Shocked Suzie]

Why is waking up the hardest thing to do. I use prescription sleeping pills. I slept two hours and woke up panicked. I took another one and slept for another two hours. Today I feel emotionally drained. Complete loss. The woman I married is gone, and this cheating, uncaring person is left.

 

It's the weekend and both my wife and daughter have the day off... Wife says she can't come see her daughter so she can work on getting a place. I know this is BS and that she's just spending time with the c*cksucker that has replaced me.

 

 

I tried to call my councilor to tell her about what I found but was only able to leave a message. I don't know what to do with myself, I have no energy at all, I'm only posting to get some of this out of my head and hope for some kind of positive feed back.

 

I'm sure my wife is waiting for Summer vacation then she thinks she's going to end up with my daughter more time because of my work schedule. I'm terrified she's playing another long game on me. She's obviously shown now that she's capable of being terribly deceitful.

 

 

 

God Help me!

 

Hi Dan

 

mornings are hard and I experienced the same broken sleep and early morning waking, when my mind would for a few seconds have rest and then you remember!! Then comes that huge wave of thoughts and emotions, I used to write stuff down then and often wondered that although my dreams were black that my mind must have doing overtime even when I was asleep as the stuff that I jotted down on paper was deep and full of thought....Dan this does pass and when you realize that you've not done this for a few mornings you will feel that things are starting to move forward...remember it happens slowly and I still have those odd early morning rises and dark morning moods.

 

We are all at different stages here I'm not far behind TS....I have new thoughts, worries and emotions that I now know looking back that these will

also pass....although at the moment it doesn't feel like it!

 

It's hard to do and I'm doing it right now...but when feeling low you need to stop look at what is needed at that moment and what it important and do that! Today I feel like everything is falling down around me, me Exh is controlling my financial future and neglecting the emotional and finical outcome of my children...I don't know who this man is and I don't know why he is doing what he is doing, I've made only financial Email contact which he is choosing to ignore .... I feel broken doomed and stressed ...but I can also see light and I need to pull myself together and not loose the plot, for my kids sake.

 

There will be many turns and a hard path ahead, but in the short time I've been going through this I know I'll get there in the end and so will you...try 'I know it's hard' cause I still do it myself, not to think or focus on what she is doing and thinking or trying to achieve.... We will never work it out

Edited April 28, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[WreckedDan]

I called a hotline today. I was sobbing uncontrollably and my 8yr old was

consoling me. I feel so worthless. It really helped to talk to someone that

had no vested interest other than me making through the moment. Also gave

me some perspective on why not to act right away. To save things like those

pics for ammo for later, if things get real. Also that right now, as an adict

that she's totally in defense mode so anything I say she will just use that as

another reason to validate herself. Nothing is making the pain go away. It

erupts either from my chest or belly and takes over my whole body. I can't

get those pics out of my head now, and to know that she set me up to be

treated like that almost a year ago by her new man is madening!!

 

Dan

 

PS Thanks guys for your responses, they mean everything right now, and I'm glad you guys are making progress I feel like I'm always moving backwards.

[Steen719]

I called a hotline today. I was sobbing uncontrollably and my 8yr old was

consoling me. I feel so worthless. It really helped to talk to someone that

had no vested interest other than me making through the moment. Also gave

me some perspective on why not to act right away. To save things like those

pics for ammo for later, if things get real. Also that right now, as an adict

that she's totally in defense mode so anything I say she will just use that as

another reason to validate herself. Nothing is making the pain go away. It

erupts either from my chest or belly and takes over my whole body. I can't

get those pics out of my head now, and to know that she set me up to be

treated like that almost a year ago by her new man is madening!!

 

Dan

 

PS Thanks guys for your responses, they mean everything right now, and I'm glad you guys are making progress I feel like I'm always moving backwards.

Dan,

So glad you called a hotline. It is an awful time and so hard to get through, but you must make your daughter feel safe with you. Tell her you are upset, but that you will feel better day by day and that you will be there to take care of her. That is important to do. I am not saying you cannot cry in front of her, but do make sure she feels that you are in control.

 

I can't make you believe this and neither can anyone else, but please believe us. You will feel better. I can remember asking my brother over and over "when?" "When am I going to feel better?" He would tell me that it would come. And, it did. You are not far along in this process, so you can't see it, but believe me and all of us who have been there where you are right now. Better days are ahead.

 

I think you showed maturity and love for your daughter by calling the hotline and I am proud of you despite not even knowing you. If it is still this bad tomorrow, call again. Call your therapist early Monday and ask for an emergency session and find a group soon. A divorce group helped me so much and even though I thought my situation was really bad, I found there were some whose stories were worse. For example, there was a woman who had been ill and unable to work. Her husband left her, filed for divorce, had the utilities turned off and quit paying the rent. What a piece of crap.

 

Hang in there and soon you will be on here giving advice to someone who has been through the worst thing they have faced. You will be able to tell them things will be better.

[Shocked Suzie]

I called a hotline today. I was sobbing uncontrollably and my 8yr old was

consoling me. I feel so worthless. It really helped to talk to someone that

had no vested interest other than me making through the moment. Also gave

me some perspective on why not to act right away. To save things like those

pics for ammo for later, if things get real. Also that right now, as an adict

that she's totally in defense mode so anything I say she will just use that as

another reason to validate herself. Nothing is making the pain go away. It

erupts either from my chest or belly and takes over my whole body. I can't

get those pics out of my head now, and to know that she set me up to be

treated like that almost a year ago by her new man is madening!!

 

Dan

 

PS Thanks guys for your responses, they mean everything right now, and I'm

glad you guys are making progress I feel like I'm always moving backwards.

 

Healing, talking about and getting help is moving forward it's also not bad to allow kids to see you getting upset, just make sure you reassure her after .... Your doing ok, small steps thats what I keep telling myself

[WreckedDan]

Thanks so much guys for the encouragement.

 

I've actually called the hot line twice today, might have to do it again,

my body is starting to go into shock again. I had a brief thought of

lifting my wife off her feet and loving her, then the image turned into

the OM doing so. My brain is fighting me every step of the way.

 

Our marriage was white picket fences, she had everything she ever asked

for. I just can't believe this is happening. Seeing that stuff and learning

that the guy tracked me down so long ago is killing me.

 

If my daughter was with her mother I would go drown myself.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Listening to a free podcast from Pathwaytohappiness.com Really helping!!

 

Dan

[Gunny376]

I honestly think about offing myself daily.

 

The ULTIMATE act of selfishness, self-centerness, narcissim!

 

Yea! I'm PO at YOU with this statment.

 

So what your saying is that my doing 20 years in the Corps ~ sweating blood, sweat, and tears was a just a feaking waste of time on my part?

 

Yea, sure there was and is a pay off for my having done my twenty in the Corps ~ damned right there is, and I earned every damn bit of it and every damn cent of it.

 

But ultimately I did it because I felt that I had a debt to pay to the American people ~ before, now, and to come! I felt that two or four years of my life ~ putting my life on hold was a small price to pay for what those that had came before me ~ many having paid and given ~ and scaraficed their lives on the alter of "Freedom" had paid.

 

You think you've got Freedom of Religion from some clergyman or preacher? Guess a damn again!

 

You think you've got Freedom of the Press from some talking head on CNN, MSNBC or Fox News? Think a damn again!

 

You think you've got Free Speech from some politician, some Republican, some Democrat? Think a damn again!

 

There are literally hunderds of thousands that gladly paid the price for such with the Ultimate Scarifice of their lives so that you could enjoy these Freedoms?

 

If you can read and write English? Thank an English teacher!

 

The fact that you speak English ~ instead of German, Japanesse, Chinesse, Korean, Vietmanise, etc? Thank an American Serviceman ~ be they Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, or Coast Guard. (No disrepect to the languages I listed ~ nothing but proper respect ~ just refering to the wars we fought back in tha' day!)

 

Guess what there Slick?

 

You owe me! Yea me! Forget the X! You owe me! You owe me to live your life to its top, to climb to its top! To live your life to its fullest! To its top! Just like I owe my "Bro's" that didn't make it back to Tennessee, to Kentucky, to Indiana, to Iowa, to Neveda, New York, Vermount, New Hampshire! To Rattlesanke Gulch God Forbidden Arizona or Eagle Puke Alaska?

 

But most of all? You owe it to that little girl ~ yea you know the one! The one that comes down the stairs and declares "The Princess Has Arrived!"

 

The one that wants to sit with you and watch the "Little Mermand" for the up-tenth time while the "Game of the Century" is on? While you wear the "Little Mermaind" crown on your head ~ just becaue she want you to, she thinks its cute!

 

YOU OWE ME!

 

And I expect payment in FULL!

 

Your payment!

 

Live life to its top! Live Life to it fullest! Run, jump, scream, shout, run a round in circles, rub so sunshine on your face ~ get Robin Williams type crazy!

[WreckedDan]

Thanks Gunny, and you are right about me owing my daughter more than

that. And your service is really appreciated! My brother is a Marine that

did a tour during (at the start) of the invasion of Iraq. I was the one time

in my life that I spent every waking moment watching CNN and worrying

about what was going on in the world outside my home.

 

Keep in mind, I'm Thinking these thoughts every day, and I'm fighting

them off at all times.

 

I'm taking my daughter to the Pacific Science Center today so she can

have a great time with me before my work schedule kicks in again in a

couple days. I'll check back later.

 

Dan

[Gunny376]

Live life to its top! Live Life to it fullest! Run, jump, scream, shout, run a round in circles, rub some sunshine on your face ~ get Robin Williams type crazy!

 

BUT DAMNIT! LIVE!

 

Go your happy azz and walk through a Vetrans Cemetary! Those aren't just stones, those are Vets that paid the Ulimate price for your freedoms and for you to live thelife you can.

 

Life isn't for lightweights! Suck it up and carry on! I've lost my children to their Mother through her sick parential alienation, and Narcisstic Personality Disorder!

 

I DID nothing wrong!!!!!!

 

Damit I did all I could! Gave all I could!

[twostepsahead]

It may be hard to believe right now, but it will get better. I rarely come to this site anymore, because I've done a lot of healing over the last couple of years, but something made we want to pass the hope on that there is a new normal and you can be happy again. I went through what you are twice before I had the strength to end my marriage. The first time I was a zombie and an emotional wreck. I could hardly function. I tried anti-depressants, sleeping pills, support group, and counseling and read a lot of books and websites. The pills didn't work for me but I know they do for a lot of people. Sometimes I wish the marriage would have ended the first time, but I wasn't strong enough and there must have been a life lesson yet to learn. You will take steps ahead and steps behind, sometimes unexpectedly. But overall the desperate helplessness will slowly diminish. It doesn't matter what could have been done or should have been - sometimes there is no good reason. And we can't changed the past. One day you will wake up starting to feel a slight hopefulness for the future and a little time will show that you can survive, you can get stronger, healthier, and make a new now and new future. Don't worry about the future, it will come to you, and each step will bring you closer to your new, more stable life. Accept that you can't change the past. Spend some time remembering old interests, try to get out, see friends, workout, join a gym or a group. Also, rediscover yourself and who you are and don't jump into a relationship, especially with someone in a similar circumstance. You probably aren't thinking about dating but one day you will remember there are a lot of goof people out there and a lot of good friendships and relationships to be had in life. Forgive yourself, one day hopefully you'll forgive her, and if her new relationship doesn't work out, value you and know that you want more. There was a saying I read, can't remember it exactly, but basically it was that sometimes it is better to leave something broken than cutting yourself trying to put it back together. Keep reading and find that hope for the future. You will be happy again. In five years you may be looking back actually grateful these things happened, even if painful. I am. Good luck, and please never let suicide be what you leave for your friends, family and daughter.

[Shocked Suzie]

Twostepsahead

 

Thank u for this post I love reading positive feedback from those further down the track! I've had a pretty flat wknd n feel like the wind has been knocked out of me yet again

 

This gives me hope and helps me push forward... I've known from day one I can do it, just some days are pretty tough

 

Thank u

[WreckedDan]

Hey guys,

Thanks tons for posting here. I have somewhere to go

for a calming moment when I need one. You guys mean

a lot to me, which is strange because I will never "know"

you. But thank you a lot.

 

Today was torturous. My Daughter had an AMAZING time

and I was there for her every moment. Sadly I was constantly

awash with stress hormones. I could feel them from my hair

to my toenails. Also images and thoughts kept raging to the

forefront of my imagination all day. Once we got home I allowed

myself time to cry and let it out alone. After that I numbed out

enough to spend some quiet time with my daughter before bed.

 

My wife will be here tomorrow after my daughter gets out of school,

the next day I will be returning to work for the first time in 3

weeks. I'm fairly terrified by a few things about this.

1. I'm sure everyone at work knows at least some of what I'm

dealing with, and I really don't feel like answering all the "Are you

okay" questions I'll be dealing with.

2. My wife will be spending time in my home caring for our daughter

while I'm at work. I hate when she's here without me because

I am constantly wondering what she's doing.

3. The OM... if he finds out where I live (assuming he doesn't already)

I fear the idea of a confrontation in the future. As he sought me out

in the past with the intention of confrontation I worry that my

daughter could see some sort of blow up.

 

I've asked my wife to remove as much of her belongings as possible

as soon as possible. But some of her things like her desk would

require a truck... If he shows up in the near future, I don't know how

I would react.

 

Insight?

Thank you again,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

"Forgive yourself"

 

For what? I know that she was unfulfilled by the person I was,

but I've never been anyone but me... She knew this from the

beginning. She had expectations, and I attempted to fulfill as

much as I was capable of at all times. Why should I have to

forgive myself for anything? She chose to do what she chose

to do. I've always been supportive, and provided her with

everything I was able to provide. I don't think this is denial.

 

"Forgive her"

 

Why should I spend any energy allowing her to treat me this

way when not only has she become a treacherous person, but

she has also thrown our daughter's life into turmoil. I believe that

is unforgivable. My daughter's well being is my one and only

remaining responsibility. And if trough her selfish actions she is

injuring my daughter emotional, she does not deserve forgiveness.

I accept that I could possibly release my anger about this as far as

her creating a situation where she's intentionally allowed my feelings

to be destroyed, but where my daughter is concerned, I would never

accept anyone doing that to her.

 

Thoughts?

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

You're too much in the thick of things to contemplate "forgive me/her" type of stuff.

My advice, as voiced by others: LIVE for yourself and your child. Period.

All of this suicidal talk? Ridiculous. You were a person before you met her, with your own interests/goals/dreams. If you harmed yourself, you would be making the statement to her: Your life is more valuable than mine. The minute you stop loving me, I cease to be a person.

Eff that. Sounds crazy, right? Of course.

Move ON. Climb the mountain one step at a time. The view from 'up here' is great. There's no doubt a sweet woman up here too, waiting for you. And when you arrive, you'll see a breathtaking vista, with your horrible stbx nowhere in sight.

[TailSpin75]

Hi Dan - I echo what WGW says regarding where you're at in terms of forgiveness - that will come in time but is not something that there is even room for right now. Further - as you move through the process your perspectives will shift, you will naturally reassign values to things in your life, and that emotional fog will continue to lift.

 

Remember (when you can) - this is a journey from 'here' to 'there' and it's amazingly painful and difficult. You seem to be finding methods that will allow you to weather the emotional storms. Taking time to cry pay huge dividends - at times I still feel myself being pulled toward the edge and it always settles me after I let it out. It sucks that these painful experiences simply become a part of our day, our routine, and ourselves - but it's not permanent.

 

Continue to find that balance my friend between grieving and 'sitting with it' - and taking a break from it and being able to distract yourself from it.