13 Years gone, 1 month in

[WreckedDan]

Today will be the first day I see her after I found out what I know. I'm going to do my best to not bring it up. MY body keeps flushing with this stress feeling... I feel sick all over.

[Shocked Suzie]

Today will be the first day I see her after I found out what I know. I'm going to do my best to not bring it up. MY body keeps flushing with this stress feeling... I feel sick all over.

 

the first time is hard, try not to talk to her with regards to anything personal ....i made that mistake and it kicked off! really regretted it, as it dragged me down for days. If you are meeting due to child care/work have things ready, leave a note if needed for communication with regards to your daughter...then get your ass out of there and go to work! ...seeing her will get easier, i feel nothing when i see my xh now, don't make it harder by trying to talk to her....its your home, she is a guessed now don't take any crap off her...make the change over quick and simple

 

ball your eyes out in the car if needed

[WreckedDan]

So... as soon as I saw what I saw, I initiated strict NC/LC.

The only time my phone calls her is for our daughter to

say goodnight. And I don't talk to her after or before.

She texted me 4 times yesterday. Once to say she got my

daughter's message saying goodnight from the last two nights

when she didn't answer her phone. Once that she got a lead

on a place to live and that she was excited. Then once after

calling to say good night to our daughter to say she was glad

that we had a good time. Then lastly to tell me she would be

coming over today. I didn't respond to any of it.

 

Today when she arrived she wanted to talk to me. I told her my

upcoming work schedule and what I expected of her. She was

upset that she would be having to stay here as late as she

would be while I was at work, but I didn't back down. Also I was

calm and collected about everything being very matter of fact.

She then asked me why I was acting so strange and why I hadn't

answered any of her texts. I told her that none of her texts were

questions. Then she started telling me "you've changed". I told her

that at this point we were co-parents and that there was no other

need for us to communicate. She said "We always said that if we

broke up we would still be friends." I told her that none of my friends

would ever treat me the way she did.

 

After that I set them up to be able to work through our daughter's

homework and went for a long walk around my property talking on

the phone and giving them some personal space/time together.

 

When I came back I started making dinner so she started to get

ready to leave. our daughter kept playfully trying to stop her from

going and went as far as to go out and get in my wife's car. Before

my wife left my daughter said "I don't understand why you have to

leave" My wife said "I'll tell you when you get older." When

my wife left she tried to give me a hug and I said "It's not necessary

for you to do that any more." She said I was crazy and that I was

out of my mind.

 

As I see it she has moved in with family in a dysfunctional home that

feeds her own dysfunction to the point where she can't even see

how anyone else sees anything. She's so bent on her life being so

positive that she can't comprehend the effects she's having on anyone

else and even if she did get a glimpse I doubt she would care.

 

Tomorrow I go back to work. My Daughter is going to be over at

her place for the night so I won't see her until two days later when I

wake her up to put her on the bus. This is going to be a very hard week.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

While we were talking she said something about how she

missed the phone calls because on Saturday nights it's so

loud there with her family playing music that she has to

sit in her room with head phones on to drown out the sounds.

I mentioned again that she was living in such a dysfunctional

place surrounded by it. She replied "You have no idea, it's so

great there." WTF? She can't even hear what she says if it's

negative. My daughter says she can't take baths there because

the bath tub there is so dirty and stinky.

 

errg

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

you did well Dan, your wife sounds like my self absorbed XH.... deranged

 

hope work went ok

[WreckedDan]

First day back is tomorrow. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

I'm so confused how she's able to see everything around her with rose colored glasses, and EVERYONE else outside her circle of derangement sees reality.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Does anyone know what this feeling is from that I'm having... like medically?

It feels like heartburn, but it is spread over my entire body. Strongest from my

belly or chest depending on the moment it begins. It's often preceded by an

anxiety attack like stress between my shoulders that rolls up to the back of my head.

 

Just curious if this seems a normal feeling.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Now I'm doubting myself... wondering if I was TOO cold to her. I keep

reading other posts and it says to be kind and smile. I was cold as a

dead fish. She kept saying I was crazy and I wasn't the person she

thought I was... I just said "Welcome to my world"

 

Sigh.. Ups and downs are not good for my health,

Dan

[Gunny376]

Does anyone know what this feeling is from that I'm having... like medically?

It feels like heartburn, but it is spread over my entire body. Strongest from my

belly or chest depending on the moment it begins. It's often preceded by an

anxiety attack like stress between my shoulders that rolls up to the back of my head.

 

Just curious if this seems a normal feeling.

 

Dan

 

More than likely? Its just stress, which manifest itself differently in differenet people.

 

The last time I was on the drill field at Parris Island? Some joker at Headquarters Marine Corps thought it would be a good idea to send freshly minted Second Lt's awaiting for a seat to Flight School (Up to a year and half wait) to be Assistant Series Commanders at the Recruit Depots! To say they were "Pen Happy" would be an understatement!

 

All you had to do was sneeze in the direction of a recruit to get wrote up ~ and BAM ~ your career was gone to Hell!

 

I was so damned stressed out I was 28 years old in the best physical condition of my life, (Could run six to eight miles without hardly breaking a sweat!) ~ but here I was laying in bed with chest pains! Went to sick back?

 

STRESS!

Woke up one morning, had a knot on my forehead half the size of a golf ball! Thought I was growing horns! :eek:

 

Went to sick bay?

 

STRESS!

Just to be on the safe side? I'd make an appointment with your MD.

[WreckedDan]

Sittin in my office crying. This is all so pointless. I'm craving the hug I turned down yesterday. I can't leave my office because someone will see me like this! I miss my wife so much it's killing me right now. She has our daughter tonight so I'll be going home to an empty space. I'm not even an hour into my shift

[RebuildingMom]

It's ok to cry. It totally sucks when it happens at work but try to relax, take some deep breaths and focus on your breathing. I'm six months into my separation, mid-divorce, and I was crying at work after last week's mediation which actually went well for me... It's hard to deal with the fear and stress of what we're going through - it's the rollercoaster. You are not alone. <<<<HUGS!>>>

[Shocked Suzie]

Does anyone know what this feeling is from that I'm having... like medically?

It feels like heartburn, but it is spread over my entire body. Strongest from my

belly or chest depending on the moment it begins. It's often preceded by an

anxiety attack like stress between my shoulders that rolls up to the back of my head.

 

Just curious if this seems a normal feeling.

 

Dan

 

id say stress too, you could try a health food store and pick up some relief spray/drops its a natural thing to calm you and it does work...i use it for exams. If it persist go to your GP and have a chat, although stress/anxiety will pass, just need to take some time out...go for a walk or something to take your mind off stuff. I suffer from facial pain from clenching my jaw "from stress" Valium is good for relaxing short term but if you are already taking medication its not advisable to take more and rely on drugs

 

think someone has said this but thought it was a really good idea, internet cafe to work from when feeling really low....i have also charged up my pc and done paperwork in the park...just to get out of the house

Edited May 1, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[WreckedDan]

My daughter called me to check in and I talked to my wife breifly. She said "If you have to hate me to get over me I understand." Wtf?!

 

1 I could never hate her. I love her with all my heart and soul. Hurt by her yes, mad at her... from time to time when my mind allows me to go there.

 

2 How could the woman that professes to still love me feel that it's okay to be hated by me?

 

Now she thinks because I called her on her stuff and kept my cool around her and didn't sob like I had before that I hate her?

 

Everyone keeps saying this gets better with time, that I need to work on myself.. I don't get the concept. I believe I will become more numb (God willing) to this, and that eventually as long as I'm still breathing that "me" still exists. But I'll never be able to trust again, love without condition again.

 

Dan

[RebuildingMom]

 

Everyone keeps saying this gets better with time, that I need to work on myself.. I don't get the concept. I believe I will become more numb (God willing) to this, and that eventually as long as I'm still breathing that "me" still exists. But I'll never be able to trust again, love without condition again.

 

Dan

 

In my opinion, once married you (you in the general sense) become used to being and thinking about "you" as "we" - a family, a unit, now you have to go back to thinking about you (and of course your daughter) and retrain yourself to not think about about your ex. Along the way you'll rediscover things about yourself that you may have let go - it definitely takes time and it appears the process is cyclical at times. You'll have the good days and the BAD days... I did not think the mediation I went through last week would effect me the way it did - but it opened my eyes so that when I go to court at the end of May, I'm going to plan my day around it better and know that it'll likely effect me emotionally more than I want it too. SO I also figure once the final D Day happens later this year, I (like others) may be more emotional then as well - basically grieving the loss all over again.

 

I too feel as though I will never be able to trust again - but little by little my hope increases that I will find the courage to take the risk one day.

[WreckedDan]

That is the frist time anyone has said it that way. Thank you for the perspective. My major iasue with not thinking about her, is that she's still living at her sister's and doesn't have her own place. So wed, thurs, fri she will be at my house watching over our daughter until I get home from work. It will almost seem normal, other than she will get up and leave every night I get home. Once she has her own place this will change, but she's made no headway, only a few nibbles.

I imagine every night I get home and she's there it will be like ripping off the scab on my heart. She will act pleasant and even happy to sew me, then she will be off to her dysfunctional family or worse off to her new man's. We aren't even leagaly separated yet...

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Someone sugested I rent a movie from RedBox on the way home. My first thought was the same as it has always been... what movie is out that she would like to see, and what kids movie should I grab with it? Should I pick up a pizza so we can grubtogether on bad food and good times. Then in a flash it hits me that there is no one there but me.

 

Stab, crush, bleed

Dan

[RebuildingMom]

I still do not look forward to seeing my STXH when he picks up our son - but I don't have to see him as often as you see your X. Is she the only who can watch your daughter while you're at work? Maybe you can hire someone or ask a friend? If not then I think you're doing what you can with the NC/LC be curt, and do not offer any personal conversation - nothing . I still call DS when he's with his dad, but his dad no longer calls DS. Why? I have no clue, that's something I would have never given up. Whatever though it's his loss!

 

Think of how you want to shape your future with your daughter. I once told Tailspin on his thread that it helped me to think of my ex as dead, because the person I thought I married was dead to me - and this stranger was all that was left. This stranger was not my friend and could not be trusted.

 

Oh yeah, movies are hard - even when you find one there always seems to be some damn thing that reminds you of them in it and there goes the heartache again. I spent last night watching a show about how the universe and solar systems formed - that was a good one with no interpersonal relationship crap in it!

[WreckedDan]

I made it through work... whew.

 

The other managers cut me out a bit early which normally means I get to spend more time with the wife, but I took some of the extra time to hit the store and fill the cupboards a bit. It's so quiet here now.

 

My daughter didn't call me to say good night until 9:48pm which she would have been sleeping if she was with me... upsetting but at least I got the call.

 

I seem to get more numb towards the end of my night. Which I'm thankful for. I just hate knowing when I wake up I'll be a mess all over again.

 

Thanks again all of you who respond to my posts... My phone is always dead by the end of the night, as I look again and again for positive reinforcement from this site.

 

<3 you all,

Dan

[Gunny376]

Here for you Bro, in as much as we can be through this medium? We've all been there, done that, gone through it. Got to hang tough, you will get through it!

 

Been thorugh a lot in my life but nothing as tough as what your going through ~ that is to say that I've gone through my own personalized version of it ~ wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy. I got through it and so will you!

 

And when you get through the otherside? You're going to be a better man, a better person for it!

[worldgonewrong]

WreckedDan- Just to back up: you handled the situation above PERFECTLY. Don't doubt yourself. You were DETACHED, not necessarily cold. You need to be detached. And the fact that she reacts to it, well, it's a sign that she's seeing that, yes, you have changed; it ain't all about her. And the fact that you're not giving the hugs/attention -- GOOD. Keep to it. She deserves none of that stuff. She wrecks a family and wants a hug? The height of arrogance.

KEEP doing what you're doing.

 

And last thing - you said, "I love her with all my heart and soul."

Mmm. In time that will pass. Trust me. When it becomes clear that she's murdered something in your soul, you will resent it...the love will dissipate, then dry up like an old leaf.

And I hate to bang on this drum again, but you WILL meet someone worthy of your love, and who will in kind give you REAL love. Don't settle for anything less.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

Oh yeah, movies are hard - even when you find one there always seems to be some damn thing that reminds you of them in it and there goes the heartache again. I spent last night watching a show about how the universe and solar systems formed - that was a good one with no interpersonal relationship crap in it!

 

I was watching TED (about that teddy bear) last weekend - made me sad

TED!?!?!?!

[WreckedDan]

Thanks guys,

 

I'd like to rrapond to WGW on something. I didn't settle for anything less that perfection this time... I was extreemly cautious due to the relationship before. I even was cautious years into the relationship. But after a couple years in I knew this was really it. She is/was the most amazing woman I've ever known. Her family has changed her over the last year. With out thier influence I believe I would still be with the woman of my dreams.

 

Mornings suck! I don't want to get up. Have an apointment with councilor in 2 hours. No idea what to say...

 

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

Now I'm doubting myself... wondering if I was TOO cold to her. I keep

reading other posts and it says to be kind and smile. I was cold as a

dead fish. She kept saying I was crazy and I wasn't the person she

thought I was... I just said "Welcome to my world"

 

Sigh.. Ups and downs are not good for my health,

Dan

 

Nope not too cold! Be polite and direct...her reaction just shows that she can see your not messing and moving forward...that she can't use you as a doormat and she doesn't like it! GOOD you need to be like this to protect yourself, if you let your guard down you will leave yourself wide open for a flood of emotional unneeded talk...trust me did it once not good! I know deep down you want to reach out but it is pointless x

 

Movies....

I watched iron man 3 the other day and that upset me lol, wanted their love and protection that they had for each other ....

 

Your doing great

[WreckedDan]

Went to my councilor appointment today. We mostly just talked about my wife. I don't know that I got anything from it. If my wife did a 180 right now and saw that what she was doing was wrong I would take her back in an instant. The person she was, was my ideal mate in this world. I know you will think I'm putting her on a pedestal but I'm not exaggerating at all. I recognize everyone on this planet is flawed but I accepted and even appreciated her for who she was flaws and all. As I thought she did for me as well. She has decided she wanted something different and now she's become the person who will accept that differentness in her life. I just wish she could see what she's giving up in herself to accept those things. I love my wife. I just don't know this person.

 

Dan

[TailSpin75]

Hi Dan - you said it, you 'just don' know this person'. It's something I continue to wrestle with myself.

 

I use to tell my STBX (as recently as a week before the sh*t hit the fan) - that she was perfect to me - not perfect as is flawless, but perfect to me. What I'm coming to understand is that she was the perfect in my mind's eye - I gave her credit that she did not deserve (clearly). The war inside you between who she is in your mind's eye and who she is in the real world is so unpleasant - but with time... acceptance of this painful truth will settle in.

 

The best I can confess to my journal these days is that I do miss who I thought she was and what I thought I had.

 

Keep doing your best my friend to weather the storms.