13 Years gone, 1 month in

[robfos]

Waking up is usually a bad time for me too. It's like it all comes rushing back in an instant how ****ed up my life is. Then I start my day and try to focus on other things. On a bad day where I can't get the **** out of my hdead, I might start drinking. I know this isn't a good habit but I can't help myself sometimes. I'm definitely drinking less than I was when I first found out. I didn't spend much of those first two weeks sober. I went through all the liquor in the house. Stuff that had been sitting around for months..Now I might drink once or twice a week, but I am trying to cut that down. Truth be told, half the time when I start drinking it gets worse. One day was really bad and I ended up texting my ex and saying I didn't want to live anymore. I haven't done that again...

 

Clearing her things out was good and bad. It was good that I had less reminders walking through the house, but at the same time it felt empty, like part of the life of my home had been lost. What can you do though? I suppose it's the lesser of two evils.

 

At this point I'm more frustrated than angry. I had my life planned out and now I feel like I am starting all over. The idea of dating and going through all that all over again...I don't know if I can deal with that. Sure it's early and that may change. I have to look at it as I can find someone better. Someone that hopefully won't betray me again. One can hope...

[dreamingoftigers]

Is there a way to delete this thread so I can start over? Ineed a fresh start and I'm concerned about if this has been veiwed by my wife...

 

Dan

 

I don't think they'll delete.

 

But you can switch user names and abandon this one.

 

It should fall to the bottom of the posting pile pretty quickly.

[dreamingoftigers]

I used to meditate for 20 mins in the morning, (jeez I should do that again, I am going to start reading my own advice. yikes.) It really helped clear my mind, refocus etc.

 

Another important thing is to stop shaming yourself about the relationship. Everyone screws up. It didn't mean anyone had to cheat or leave necessarily. No one is perfect.

 

I went for A LOT of hikes.

 

WD, if you are super-worried about your daughter, write out a list of ALL the concerns you have ALL of them. Get them out of your mind and onto something physical.

 

Then take the first one. Think of the next 3 actions you can take to start dealing with it. All of a sudden, you start to feel that sense of direction and control.

 

I LOVED the book "Getting Things Done" by David Allen around this time because it focused me onto designing my own life instead of looking at what I had lost. It propelled me into gaining back a lot of what I had lost as well.

 

 

Waking up is usually a bad time for me too. It's like it all comes rushing back in an instant how ****ed up my life is. Then I start my day and try to focus on other things. On a bad day where I can't get the **** out of my hdead, I might start drinking. I know this isn't a good habit but I can't help myself sometimes. I'm definitely drinking less than I was when I first found out. I didn't spend much of those first two weeks sober. I went through all the liquor in the house. Stuff that had been sitting around for months..Now I might drink once or twice a week, but I am trying to cut that down. Truth be told, half the time when I start drinking it gets worse. One day was really bad and I ended up texting my ex and saying I didn't want to live anymore. I haven't done that again...

 

Clearing her things out was good and bad. It was good that I had less reminders walking through the house, but at the same time it felt empty, like part of the life of my home had been lost. What can you do though? I suppose it's the lesser of two evils.

 

At this point I'm more frustrated than angry. I had my life planned out and now I feel like I am starting all over. The idea of dating and going through all that all over again...I don't know if I can deal with that. Sure it's early and that may change. I have to look at it as I can find someone better. Someone that hopefully won't betray me again. One can hope...

[Simpleoldschool]

ohh dan, i feel really bad for you because its a place i was in. monitoring my week and beeing dragged into the day by the feelings that came with each one. But dan, think of everything as a positive extension of yourself.

 

i never beilieve in this and i still dont think i do but positive energy and negative energy can be fealt. we conduct it and it radiates off of us.

 

im starting all over again and its fun. im going to ask a girl out today. and i am absolutely thrilled. she isnt my EX-wife and hey dan ill tell you something thats great because for me this is a chance opputunity for everything i could have never had with the old. im thrilled.

 

ive been getting out there. chilling with new people and old people just networking socially and its great.

 

lol today i was so concerned about my appearence but i did things that gave me a reason. i combed my hair really nice i put on some colonge and i trimmed and filled my nails. haha some people might think im homo. i like being very clean and presentable though. dan im the man you can be and so can everyone else here.

 

take that ring off put a new lease on life and turn

 

sat

sun

mon

tue

wed

thurs

fri

into guess what DAN DAY everyweek. your hours changed at work. that could be a positive thing.

 

dan i would like you to get back in the practice of a few things if you havent.

 

repeat to yourself you love who you are

 

tell yourself today is the best day to be me

 

and get out there. other people will think all of this positive things because your tieing all your positive energy to conduct some of the same energy from other people.

 

weeee im off wish me luck as i wish you luck in all areas of your life. bye for now dan keep me updated.

[SuperGeek]

Yup I feel you on that. I sold my house for this reason and downsized to a condo in the city. My situation is a bit different as I don't have any kids, but it did feel good to move to a new location. I wasn't triggered as bad once I got out of the house.

 

Regarding your wife and what she says... try to keep the conversations with her just about the minimum topics such as parenting, schedules, etc. Talking about watching shows together or other personal conversations are just going to tear you up inside if you continue to do that with her. Keep the conversations short and to the point and then just get off the phone. Reading your posts, it sounds like she is still highly dependent on attention from you, and sadly you are going to have to stop giving her that attention as she has made the decision to end everything and move on.

 

I spent a lot of time last night gathering up most of her things and putting them all in one place so she can hopefully pack it all up today when she gets here, I am very.much looking forqard to her things being gone, at the same time, very sad that this home will just be a house, if you catch my meaning.

[WreckedDan]

Spent a lot of time doing yard work today... was a good distraction. Sunburned but worth it. I hate yard work, it was always something she loved to do. She came over and was able to get about half her things, she came by too late for me to go dropping anything at her place so I just stayed outside for the most part while my daughter climbed trees and the wife gathered her things. The only thing we talked about was the upcoming weeks schedule. At one point she stopped and almost said something than she said she better not and walked away. I didn't press at all. Was difficult but I stayed cool.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

What happened to honor?

 

What happened to being able to trust the people we love. I've read a lot of these blogs... is there something in the water? At what point does a person decide that their beliefs, honor, trust, values, and the love that's been built between two people is worth less than some new experience?

 

It amazes me how a person you have known for more than a decade, trusted, valued, believed in, could flip a 180 due to small issues that are few and far between...

 

I've cone to understand ny wife is a chameleon... once she attaches herself to somone she takes on their colors... while I know she made terrible choices, I hate the idea that she will sufffer from them as much as I have suffered. I really look forward to being secure in my ownsense of value and complete on my own. I love her, my Susanna, time to let go of who she has become.

 

Sad,

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

Dan i think you are my favorite.

 

i beilieve if we knew eachother we could be friends.

 

Dan dont be sad. From all the advice i hear you giving others i hear you in there. Knowing whats right and what to do.

 

Like i have stated someone who can look at thirteen years with stiff eyes isnt for you. Seriously dan you were the 13 year lover. YOU ARE A COMMITED PERSON. that you can pat yourself on the back for.

 

Just remember dan, you will find someone who stays in for the long haul. thats who you want. sometimes dan we learn who we married. sometimes in a year sometimes in thirteen But just be happy this is happening now not when you 66 or 70. some people go through that.

 

Your wife is walking away yes - in a bad direction

 

shes leaving very true.

 

sometimes dan we have to learn that its not our responsibilities to hand-walk someone is theirs to be an adult.

 

i know that hurts but to me dan that is the best thing for you, and i hope you see that. you should. i know you should.

 

The man who deserves more than thirteen years. the man who deserves a guarentee of life-long commitment. dan you may think shes beautifull. you may hold her in high regard. time to look at yourself that way. when you know what your worth you will know who to give yourself to. and dan there will be a day when you get there when you see a girl. someone you dont know now. someone you cant imagine and you'll realize it because shes someone you could have never come up with. shes too good to be an imagination and dan that will feel good. dan when you look at her she will be what is beautifull to your eyes. every inch of her. and that girl will look your way. that girl exists dan. you dont know that girl thats why your thinking about your wife. dan trust me, i am not lieng when i say this.

 

You will find a girl more beautifull and when you examine her heart there you will find what SPEICIAL and what WIFE really means.Then dan she will want to be with you and dan you will see year 14 15. dan you will see that your marriage is indefinate with that person.

 

dan after your realize 14 years with the next women, you wont even remember anything about 13 years other than thats what you had with this new girl celebrating 14.

 

dan you will be financially better off. you will be eating cake with this women. drinking on that "kool-aid' hahaha and guess what the stars will look brighter your laughs will be harder and guess what she will be loving every second. her name wont be sussanna but it will be a name you know by what you call love. a dream you dream with your eyes open.

 

dan im not saying you cant get over this in snippy quick and fast mode but dan just TRUST ME. you will forget about this forum, about me and what happened because the only thing you'll know and see is whoever this girl is.

 

head up dan. never down.

 

wear the crown of a king. hahahaha

 

i think your pretty cool dude.

 

like i said cry if you have to but be happy. next time around dan you will be full throttle so will the girl you have and guess what she will make you feel like a million bucks. she will hold you and you will feel that gentle touch that gos straight through the skin to the heart.

 

that will be dans women. God will allign your paths.

 

if you need to cry dan do it. then snap into reality and say " hey mother f'ers" im kick ass dan everyone bend over. hahahaha

 

dont worry dan. she doesnt know what shes losing that someone will find in you. she will feel dumb. and guess what you will be happy.

 

Smile dan. Tommorows coming and its coming just for you to do whatever YOU, DAN wants to do with it. that dan is ultimate possibilitys.

Edited May 21, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[WreckedDan]

Thank you for the kind words...

 

That was my "Long haul" from now on, it's just me, and my focus on my daughter when, and while I can.

 

This situation has taught me one thing; While I can see that the happiness was valued by myself, the despair that follows combined with the nullification of the past, makes taking on a "new forever" is pointless and false. I will not likely invite anyone into my heart again. I've given it away twice, never again. What's left of it I hold for my daughter. She it the only person worthy of my unconditional love.

 

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

Dan im not trying to analyze you, but because i know it true of myself i will share it.

 

DAN i remember telling you dont become bitter. if your mad GIVE that to God. he knows what to do with it but dont let it eat you. i understand you dont want to get hurt again. but spend time getting to know with someone. dont be a hermit. break up with people who treat you like dirt. your satisfaction but dont go breaking hearts of good women. thats a misery for the jerks to feel out.

 

take your time dan but never become a bitter person because of what someone did to you someone else wont.

 

dan thats staying married to this person. thats staying angry.

 

dan just take your time. mrs right is out there. she will find you but dont be so mad you dont see her dan or you will die a mad man and she will die wondering why she couldnt find the person to be with. in truth its because he was too mad to see her when she came along.

[Simpleoldschool]

Dan,

 

Im happy everyday i see the sky blue. atleast i know im not crazy.

 

Im going to leave you with some last words. ill be on here helping others as much and as often as i can.

 

Dan first, be happy. life is not over.

 

second dan, dont become bitter.ever. honestly its not worth it.

 

third, dan, remember if you need any legal advice update the forumn and ill help the best way i know how.

 

fourth, enjoy life dan you realize you only have one to that extent when you are old and gray you will realize it. never look back just keep looking forward.

 

fifth, never be angry dan for a long time. its a blade you will turn on yourself and then you will end your life.

 

sixth, never truly entertain suicide. ever. your life is worth the day its lived and so are you. every precious moment

 

and finnaly dan. if you dont know him get to know him. There is a God in heaven the only way to live a satisfactory life the way we want to is to get to know him. the real one. thats your choice i never force that upon someone.I know you have seen the work of the devil. stay away from him.

 

dan i leave you with the best reagards i can leave with a friend.

 

be at peace. be happy and live your life dan. and dan you will be OK.

 

take care, your friend

 

-Ramon

Edited May 21, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[worldgonewrong]

God forgive me, Simpleoldschool is now one of my new favorite posters, truly,

but I couldn't help but think of this as I read his (thoughtful!) replies:

 

[Sittinginmcds]

Fuc*ing Facebook kills families!!!!! A friend who is a psychologist told me FB is responsible for 75% of his clients. It just destroys marriages with GIGS

[WreckedDan]

Wife showed up before I had to leave for work unannouced to get more of her stuff before picking up our daughter. I had no defenses up, crying sgain on the way to work. She still looks so damn good, her voice is like honey.

 

Dieing inside,

Dan

[aliveagain]

Dan,

 

It's all an illusion, the woman that was your wife never existed, you only got to see what she wanted to show you. This is the real her, her voice sounding like honey is also an illusion, it's what you choose to believe, the reality is her voice may sound like honey to you but her breath smells like motocross guy. Sorry to be so blunt but it's only because I want to save you some future pain. I was exactly in your position at one time and I waited for my wife wondering how many weeks away she needed before she came back to me from our little time apart. I believed every word she told me, even made all kinds of assumptions in her favor for things she didn't tell me. I didn't start to come out of my betrayed spouse fog until I found out she signed a one year lease on her new digs. She had three guys on the go our first week apart, one was her married boss. You need to move away from the past, it was all a lie, stop putting yourself there. You can not control her actions so stop trying, use the 180 to give you the strength you need to get through this. Find other things to do to keep your mind busy and off of her illusion. In time she will notice the stronger you.

[WreckedDan]

When she came over, I barely said anything to her, I didn't even know she was here as I was brushing my teeth. I came out of my room with no shirt on and she couldn't look at me... (down to my proper weight after losing 30 lbs from not eating) I'm about as 180 as I can get, just didn't expect to see her today so I was shocked, I didn't break down until after I left the house.

 

Smells like motocross guy...wow that hurt some.

 

While I have no illusion of her returning, I honestly believe the woman I had (at least for the first 12 years) did in fact exist. This is a different person and I know that I'm mourning the loss of the first. Sadly I will have to deal with the presence of the second for my daughter's sake.

 

Night time is always more clear, dreading the morning,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

That was the first time in a LONG time that I've laughed, thanks for that...

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, I feel like my husband died 4 years ago.

 

We're reconciling, but it's so weird because I've looked at the last four years kind of like I was at his funeral and now there's this other guy that looks and sounds like him living with me. But he's a much bigger pain in the *ss.

 

There have been a lot of issues and twisted emotions. So it honestly felt like he might have been possessed or something. Like something else just "took over" my husband and maybe he's still in there....IDK IDK IDK

 

It's been a long journey any way you cut it....

[dreamingoftigers]

God forgive me, Simpleoldschool is now one of my new favorite posters, truly,

but I couldn't help but think of this as I read his (thoughtful!) replies:

 

 

LOL:lmao:

[WreckedDan]

Wow DoT your reconciling after all that, cudos, you are a strong woman! While I would.love for afresh start myself, I fear I would.never ben able to do that now. I would always have that.picture in my head of another.mans penis deep inside my wifes vagina... ( he's smalled that me and shaved like an 11 year old but still) she has destroyed alk tust withme and the fact she could so easily discard what we had for a whimsical feeling of need for.new.fresh exerience, I woukd always wonder if she would taketheneasy.route again. I wish you all the.luck in the worldandI hope you use.MC to get started!

 

Dan

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow DoT your reconciling after all that, cudos, you are a strong woman! While I would.love for afresh start myself, I fear I would.never ben able to do that now. I would always have that.picture in my head of another.mans penis deep inside my wifes vagina... ( he's smalled that me and shaved like an 11 year old but still) she has destroyed alk tust withme and the fact she could so easily discard what we had for a whimsical feeling of need for.new.fresh exerience, I woukd always wonder if she would taketheneasy.route again. I wish you all the.luck in the worldandI hope you use.MC to get started!

 

Dan

 

We'll be returning to MC as soon as we can afford the one we were seeing. He was excellent.

 

And yes, the imagery was overwhelming. But I had EMDR to deal with the trauma. It helped, a lot. Some of the stuff still kicks in, but not the most damaging aspects. I'll be returning for that too when I can find the $$

[Sittinginmcds]

Dan

Tell your wife she has till X date and X time to get her stuff or its going to Goodwill her leaving it there is a way to control and torture you.

Get this in your mind and get right with it. Your wife is gone never to return and that sucks amazingly so, but you will survive, begin to live, and someday thrive. I had a huge problem accepting the finality of it until the X showed up to get girls with the OM in the car. At that moment my love and hurt turned to pure anger and hate. Those feelings were more comfortable for me to deal with.

Stop being so nice to her-she is not your friend and doesn't have your best interest at heart.

It sucks but you will survive, but YOU MUST cut her free physically & emotionally. You have only one thing to talk about with her-your child-that's it.

You can recover from this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dan

Tell your wife she has till X date and X time to get her stuff or its going to Goodwill her leaving it there is a way to control and torture you.

Get this in your mind and get right with it. Your wife is gone never to return and that sucks amazingly so, but you will survive, begin to live, and someday thrive. I had a huge problem accepting the finality of it until the X showed up to get girls with the OM in the car. At that moment my love and hurt turned to pure anger and hate. Those feelings were more comfortable for me to deal with.

Stop being so nice to her-she is not your friend and doesn't have your best interest at heart.

It sucks but you will survive, but YOU MUST cut her free physically & emotionally. You have only one thing to talk about with her-your child-that's it.

You can recover from this.

 

One suggestion I make to people going through a split with "stuff" to deal with is:

 

1. Rent a storage unit for 30 days.

2. Put their stuff in it.

3. Give them the location and code and/or keys

 

Wash your hands of it all

[aliveagain]

Dan,

 

Sorry about the comment but it is a part of your new reality. Someone always gets hurt in a break up, specially one that includes infidelity. Your smack in the middle of it and the only way to get through it is to get through it. She may be a great mother but she's one ****ty wife. Yes she was with you for 12 years but you only got to see as much as she was willing to show you to keep you in the relationship. That wasn't the real her, she didn't show you everything until she had someone else in place. Not looking at you when you walked out of the bathroom without your shirt on is her way of telling you she thinks she has something better now. At some point your going to have to believe what she is showing you, the longer you hold on to the idea that she is coming back the longer the hurt.

 

Why is she just walking into your bedroom unannounced? Have you rules in place that include some kind of notice?

[WreckedDan]

No no =) I walked OUT of the bedroom. The only reason her stuff is still here is that she can only load up her car with it, I think it should be gone by the end of the week. Anything I do for her is only for the best interest of our daughter and to keep things civil. No reason to live in hate with her, she's the mother of my beautiful daughter. I am already certain she's not coming back, I stopped holding that hope a few weeks ago when she snapped at me for bringing it up. Doesn't mean I don't feel the intense pain of the loss of the woman who I love and who loved me for 12 of the 13 years we were together. I can't demonize that woman, but I can accept that she's gone now. Though at times it leaks out behind this facade she's created in order to move into this new phase of her life.

 

Dan