In Shock

[Always Thinking]

I met a man online in May and did not rush out and meet him! We actually started seeing each other in July! As soon as we starting seeing each other it just seemed right. We were never technically in a Relationship! We talked on the phone every day and hung out most of time! (2 months of nonstop seeing each other). Either I was at his place( I have a toothbrush clothes and other personal items over there) or he was at mine! We even went to various events and spent 3 nights in Vegas together!( Which he paid for everything) From the start of the friendship we got along we compliment each other! We were able to communicate open and honestly! He always indicated that he why he likes me and enjoys my company I am SPECIAL! We kissed, hugged, gave massage, rubbed, however we never had intercourse!

 

I understood that we were both single and tired of the dating game and utimatley we wanted to be in serious relationship! We both had be in long term relationships in the past! I was in a six in a half year relationship that ended in 2000. I do not remain in cotact with my ex's however he indicated that he keeps in contact with all of his ex's however it is not constant contact. As far as I knew it we both were only datign each other. I always appreciated the fact that we had open and honest conversations, shared our feelings and what not! I really like spending time with him he is indeed a sweetheart, however It felt like he wanted an instant relationship or hear the words relationship come out of my mouth! He would always say, so what are we? Or I can see us end up married. He has love for me in his heart. He also indicated we do and talk about things he and his ex's never did. He gave me keys to his place, gargage, and mailbox in like a month of us seeing each other. I was hesitant still for some reason! I felt like we needed to slow down eventhough we had spent an enormous amout of time we each other, however we still needed to really get to know one another! We were moving too FAST!

 

 

I gave the keys back (since I was not going to give him a key to my place) we talked about the situation and felt that we were on the same page, he agreed for us to slow things down he too did not want to rush into anything! If we were to end up married and (This being special and all). We went back to hanging out and talking the phone throughout the day. We had made plans to go to the fair in a couple of days. The night before the evet he called me said that he was thinking about me he missed me. This was not unusual due to the fact we talked and flirted with each other all of the time. The the following day (event day) I did not hear from him. I left him a message on his cell phone .

 

 

A few minutes later he called me back and stated , " as much as I like you," my ex came over my house last night and we talked and I may be getting back with her, we are going to try and work things out, so I do not think we should see each other the way we have been, but I am still your friend! I was shocked! What ex saying to myself where did this all come from! We just talked about our friendship developing into a Relationship. Normally we would share our feelings and talk things out! I was hurt, that he could for one tell me this info over the phone and be cold about. My feelings on ex's is...... they are an ex for a reason! I told him good luck due to the fact life is temporary, however I did not want to remain friends with him. I questioned his feelings about me and even indicated this is what you do to someone you carre about I do not want part in it... he got uspest! I tried to explain to him that I am simply reacting to this out of the blue news. I did not feel like this is how a FRIEND handles a situation. He said that he was being adult about it and informed me of what was going on! I told him yeah eventhough his delivery sucked! It was not like we were fighting we just had this long talk the last time we seen each was sealed with a KISS, He then went on to say I want to be friends you don't and hung up!

 

Six days passed, I left him a note on his door (we live around the corner from each other) to obtain my personal items left at his place I had to leave a note because he has since changed his phone number. He responded to my note via a phone call from a blocked number and indicated that he will give back my items but and that I can't call him back. I went over to his place and he opened his door half-way as to hide something or give you that feeling that you are not welcomed here, he gave me $40.00 for my clothing items in which he says that he threw away then handed me the rest of my belongings. Prior to this contact I have not called him nor gone by his place! He was very as of matter of fact and angery, as if I did something! I am trying to firgure out why! How does a situation that seemed right, end up like this?

[Jeannie]

Your initial gut feelings about things moving too fast were dead on. Your intuition was telling you something wasn't right about this guy and trust me - men who rush things and make big promises and talk marriage early in the relationship are "players". They try to suck you in quickly.

 

I know, I was rushed into a relationship but I let him talk me into marrying him. I never moved in his house because right after I married him (we'd only dated 6 months prior to getting married) I had these gut feelings something wasn't right. I found out my "husband" was flirting and talking to his ex's and the only reason he wanted to rush into getting married was to be able to say he had a "wife" at home taking care of him.

 

Then he could continue his shenanigans of being a player BUT would have the safety of a wife at home. After I divorced him I found out his previous relationship was rushed and he proposed to this girl after 4 weeks of dating her, she moved in to his house - then moved out 6 months later.

 

Men like this are notorious for rushing women into relationships and committment quickly - they figure if they sucker us into committment fast then it will be too late to see who they really are. For me, I got married way too soon and questioned who he was as a person - I felt suspicious and couldn't trust him. That only made him want more of a committment from me. I married him - then once we got married I saw who he really was.

 

He was controlling and abusive and domineering. Not what I want in a husband.

 

Be glad this loser has shown you his true colors NOW while you can run in the opposite direction. Don't beat yourself up over this. We all want the fairytale relationship - it's just that some guys really know how to sucker us in by making huge promises and acting like the knight in shining armor. When it's too much too soon - that's usually a big red flag we all need to pay closer attention to.

 

He did you a favor - now you need to chalk this up to experience and run in the opposite direction as far away as you can from him. Tell him you are one EX he's not going to keep in touch with.

[Scott S]

Your initial gut feelings about things moving too fast were dead on. Your intuition was telling you something wasn't right about this guy and trust me - men who rush things and make big promises and talk marriage early in the relationship are "players".

 

Not necessarily. Each situation is different. I concede, though, that the extent of his contact with his ex's seems unusual. Each has to decide whether things are moving too fast. THere is no hard & fast timeline.

 

Ironic, though, isn't it? One of women's most frequently-voiced complaints about men is that we can't commit to a relationship. But it seems that if we show that willingness too early, that's too pushy, too fast, etc...

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you, but it sounds like it wouldn't have been very good anyway.

[Always Thinking]

I agree that there is not set timeframe when to start a relationship. However If you just started hanging out and within a month someone is giving you keys to their house puts you back a little bit and makes you you think! Well at least I did! Do to the fact we all have an ex's in our lives I am confused as to how after one night a person decides to get back with their ex and then indicated they however want to remain friends? When I did not accept the continued friendship he got upset with me. I got my items from him yesterday and he was cold and mean! I am trying to firgure out why! I have done nothing to him except tell him that I am not going to accept what he is now offering me! 7 days ago he could see us married and what to know where he stood with me! Life experiences! The whole time we hung out together I never knew that even those he stayed in contact with his ex's that he was going to out of the blue try to work it out with one of them! I start to think perhaps he was on the rebound when we met! I never knew when he and this ex split! I only know she is one of his ex's!

[Scott S]

I agree that there is not set timeframe when to start a relationship. However If you just started hanging out and within a month someone is giving you keys to their house puts you back a little bit and makes you you think! Well at least I did!

 

Oh, I'm not faulting your reasoning. You have to decide what feels right for you. Obviously this didn't, & it would likely have been a mistake charge headlong into this.

 

My earlier remarks about commitment-phoba were simply a commentary about one extreme or another, never a happy medium, it seems.

 

 

Do to the fact we all have an ex's in our lives I am confused as to how after one night a person decides to get back with their ex and then indicated they however want to remain friends? When I did not accept the continued friendship he got upset with me. I got my items from him yesterday and he was cold and mean! I am trying to firgure out why! I have done nothing to him except tell him that I am not going to accept what he is now offering me! 7 days ago he could see us married and what to know where he stood with me! Life experiences! The whole time we hung out together I never knew that even those he stayed in contact with his ex's that he was going to out of the blue try to work it out with one of them! I start to think perhaps he was on the rebound when we met! I never knew when he and this ex split! I only know she is one of his ex's!

 

Likely several things here. A rebound, or rather an attempted rebound that failed. He has hurt feelings, & is acting out in what I think is an inappropriate way. Going back with an ex - confusion over what he wants. Or another rebound attempt. Or a desire to "Show You," that he can have anyone he wants. Who knows?

 

I am sorry this turned out to be so disappointing. But Jeannie is right. Learn from it, let go & move on.

[Always Thinking]

It is always easier said than done! I have too been in a long term relationship and know about emotions and that time heals all wounds! I on the other hand choose not to deal with my ex's. We broke up for a reason and I need to keep moving forward!

 

For me this was something that I was analyzing due to the fact that I thought he handled this situation all wrong! Our friendship litterally changed overnight! It was not like we argued all of the time or knew it was coming to an end! Perhaps he was on the rebound when he found me and since I would not immediate commit he went to the first person who would. Or maybe he has issue with being alone! I do not know! Having unanswered questions is the hardest thing for me to deal with! I will eventually leave it alone it is still weird due to the fact that we live around the corner from each other! I just seem him a few moments ago and I did nothing he was invisible to me!

[CurlyIam]

I'll tell you what I think. I think he made his ex up. I think you scared him when you told him to cool it off. He ttok it like a rejection,and than not quite.

 

So, in order to be sure to be burning all the bridges, he made up the ex story. He wants a response from you, wants to show you you care, wants to provoke you,hurt you, only to prove you have feelings for him. He loves feeling he's the centre of your attention.

 

I think he may not be such an emotionally stable type of person. He needs someone with him in order to be strong. HE takes any form of rejection badly and as a personal offence. All this because he probably feels vulnerable...

 

Anyway, I think his reaction at the end was...well, quite disgusting. The change of number and throwing away your clothes thing.... be very careful. I mean you've only dated for one month.It's not like you were calling him 3 times a dayafter the breakup and stalk him. And yet he changes his number. Who does this in order toavoid someone whom hemet two monthsago? Aren't there people in contact with him, people whom he must tell this, etc? Think about what this means.... it means he's alone or that he has very little friends.

 

Besides his insecurities, he is... well, he is a bit paranoid.

 

Take extra care of yourself, look around and evoid staying alone... Honesteley, your ex gives me the creeps. I am convinced there's no ex in his life. It is the attention he enjoys. That and the drama.

 

Keep us posted, I'm sure 100% he'll show his true colors in a couple of days. He'll invent a reason to contact you... Remember the details, you'll see he's lying!

 

 

Don't waiste another second thinking about this man.Move on and be extra carefull a few days, will you?

 

Curly

[Always Thinking]

I can not truly indicate if ther is an ex or not. However the first time I went by his place to pick up my belongings I did hear a female laughing in the background! It is simply a weird situation! I have made no other contact other than obtaining what was left of my stuff yesterday! It is not like I am waiting by his door or calling him every other minute! I initially met him in May however we did not start seeing each other until July. The whole time I was seeing him there was not ex at his place that I knew of. I had my belongings there. Rember we live around the corner from each other. Outside of work for the most part we were together, I was at his place or he as at mine! It still throws me off, because we were not arguing, fighting or anything! We talked like normal the night before and the next day he is making up with an ex that came over to his place apparently right after we got off the phone! I never even knew he was communicating with his ex on the level of getting back together especially after one night, due to the fact that I had just spent the night the previous night! He indicated that this all just transpired! I can not see it! I guess he did me a favor! I knew I was hesitant for a reason!

[CurlyIam]

It still throws me off, because we were not arguing, fighting or anything! We talked like normal the night before and the next day he is making up with an ex that came over to his place apparently right after we got off the phone!I never even knew he was communicating with his ex on the level of getting back together especially after one night, due to the fact that I had just spent the night the previous night

 

Didn't you tell him that night to slow down? There are 2 possibilities: 1. either he takes rejections badly and he had to make you feel bad for having rejected him - there are some guys who think that "later"means "never" or 2. indeed he met his ex He wanted a relations really badly and he was ready to have one with the first woman who appeared to be more willing to. He wants that type of relationship. Nothing personal with you. He wants something that you emotionally cannot give him. Not right away, anyway!!

 

 

I keep my opinion:

 

a.You will hear from him, this week the latest

b.He has issue to handle. He is not well. That or he's the biggest jerk on the face of the planet for pulling such a thing on you.

 

 

Take your time and stop torturing yourself over this guy. He's a selfish man...

[Always Thinking]

Yes we talked about slowing things down and he too argeed! It was not like we were just going to head to the court house and get married! I thought that he too understood that slowing things down mean just that and not ever or never since we did talk about the future! Who knows what he is thinking! That is the point we went from talking openly to this! I am the one that did not want to remain friends with him! If this is what he thinks a friendship is then he can have it! It was the unanswered questions in my head that was bothering me since I can't talk to him!

[neptoon]

I'm going to put my 2 cents in, too.

 

I'm thinking he made this woman up, too, and wants to show you that women want him. Men have this mistaken notion that you will be more attracted to them if they are taken. I've heard it fall from many men's mouths and have even seen it written in articles (by people who call themselves "experts" in the art of being a playah) in men's magazines that this is the way to attract a woman.

 

I'm with Curly on thinking that he's kind of making the ex up. I think the woman is a platonic friend. You were with him all the time -- how could he have had time to date someone else? But suddenly he tries to make it seem like this woman has moved in? To bizarre -- unless ... there is an ex and she just broke up with her man (commandment #1: never get back together with an ex after you break up with an SO -- I almost did it once and I felt like a real loser and then saw I didn't really need to be in a relationship -- shows desperation and neediness).

 

You've got a good head on your shoulders, Always Thinking -- you have enough sense to remember that there's a reason why they're ex's).

 

He's trying to take back some of the control in the relationship because he felt powerless. By changing his phone number without reason to do so (because I don't feel you were harassing him), he wants to be the one who'll be able to contact you and you have no way of contacting him. They want you to be the first to call them during a fight. They want you to ask to get back together. It's about asking for something. They want the power to grant you permission.

 

I saw it written in the book "The 48 Laws of Power" -- to increase demand, he must cut off accessibility of supply (including supply of himself, in this case). He must control the supply (meaning he controls the supply of his availability to you). When he agreed with you about it being too soon to have a full-blown relationship -- I think he did so only through his teeth. It wasn't what he was really thinking. He somehow wants women to pressure a relationship from him so they are the ones that decide. He wants to be in demand (in the economic sense). Again, it's about control and power.

 

And the way he gave you $40 -- insulting. Is he trying to put a pricetag on what your stuff is worth and he gives you $40!?!

 

And why was the woman in the background laughing? If that were really his girl, you can bet that she wouldn't be laughing in the background. It's more than likely it's someone that thinks of him as nothing more than a platonic friend.

 

I'll wager a pack of 2 packs of smokes that he's going to call you again.

 

How long have you been dating him for? Did I read 6 months somewhere?

[Always Thinking]

Clarification..... I went to his place two different times, the first time I heard the woman in the background and then in comfirmed that it was his ex. When I finally went to go pick up what was left of my items he barely cracked the door open! I originally met him in May of this year however we did not start seeing each other until July! He was the one who indicated that from that night his ex and him decided to work things out and give it another go! I have not idea of where the change of the numbers and him throwing out my clothes came from, remember we only live across from each other sort of around the corner the same timeframe it took him to dump them he could of easily knocked on my door! I guess this will remain an mystery to me! I do not read minds so again I do not know literally how a person could change up in 16 hours that is exactly what happened from the last time we spoke!

[CurlyIam]

You know what the best revenge is? Forgetting him. Ignoring he ever existed. Cutting himoff all your lists and thoughts.

 

I am telling you, ex or no ex, this man is not well. If there is an ex, then may God help them both, for they're in for a ride. If not, that may he find peace of mind or whatever it is that he's seeking and leave you alone.

hi

If indeed he had an ex, his behaviour towards you was appaling. Beyond low... Disgusting. Feelings are not for trade, it's not always "love me or leave".

 

The way he handdled this issue... How can he possibly be talking about love when he disrespects you this way? What kind of a person does this to someone whom they're supposed to love and cherish? Love isn't a fume, it does not evaporate over night or in 16 hours.

 

HE is not only not inlove, but a horrible person too. Thank Lord things happened this way and that you discovered him now, not later. He treats those whom he does not need badly. HE is a coward, a bad, insensitive person. How dare he just do this?

 

Always, think about what happened and DO NOT ALLOW this type of persons around you in the future. This little event tells a lot not only about him, but about you too. You should have seen it... Take more precautions in the future, consider this a lost cause and go out and celebrate with your friends one looser less in your life !!!

[jmargel]

What's with all the ! in your posts?

[neptoon]

Well, then, good riddance to him, Always Thinking.

 

He sounded somewhat needy anyway. And if there is an ex, they have a sick, twisted relationship.

 

It takes someone who is incapable of learning to go back to an ex -- if there was a situation where you felt you needed to get out, would you go waltzing back into that situation. Hell, no!

 

Personally, I agree with your philosophy about having a reason why the person's an ex and just learning your lesson from that and moving forward without regret. Life's full of nice surprises and the's no shortage of people on the planet. Finding a lifelong partner is done through process of elimination, to some degree. Why backtrack and go back down a road you've already travelled that you know isn't so good?

[Always Thinking]

Thanks for the feedback! I do not rush into anything, The way I felt was the within the 2 month timeframe we had fun however I do not need to pushed into something so fast for whatever reason! You can learn some things about a person but in 2 months you still do not know all of their traits espcially the bad ones! Normally I am observant, this one just kind of caught me off guard..... a person taking their mask off over night! So that is why I was thrown off!