The Pefect Couple???

[HogHead]

If you would ask any of our friends or family members they would say that we are the perfect couple. Background: My wife and I have been married 31 yrs. I am 57 and my wife is 50. Two grown children living on their own. I am an attentive husband and father. I clean the house regularly do the yard work and I am an excellent cook. My wife and I both are in very good physical condition. Sex was good before marriage then shortly after it got worse. Two years after marriage she had an emotional affair with a coworker. I don't know if she had sex with him but she swears that she didn't. Then the kids came and life just got very busy and our intament life just dwindled away. I tried everything that a good husband who loves his wife should do. At the present time our sex life is practically nonexistent. She doesn't like for me to touch her genitals and oral sex sex is not wanted buy her. When I was young and my blood was full of testosterone I could over come her aversions because I wanted it badly. Now I have a hard time getting hard and staying hard. We might have sex 10 or less times yr. Its been this way for well over 2 and a1/2 decades. She never initiates sex and rarely touches me outside the bedroom unless I get it started. I take her out for dinners, to movies and tell her I love all the time. I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. Yes I have had the talk many times. It is constantly on my mind. My wife seems content to live without intamancy for the rest of her life. Her actions in the bedroom screams "I don't like having sex with you". I'm at the point now where having sex with her turns me off. Leaving her seams to be getting more and more like what I should do. 30 years of living in a sexless marriage is really starting to weigh on me more and more. I foolishly believed things would get better over the yrs. I stayed for the kids and divorcing now would deffinately disrupt my family. Its like a light bulb finally went of in my mind that my beutifull wife has no attraction for me in any physical way. The feeling that I have the most is "Rejection, and undesirable". To my way of thinking is that if two people love each other and take marriage vows they are entitled to be loved and to be desired as long as they don't mistreat each other and I have not. I have been reading a lot of the posts on hear and it pains me to see so many people suffering through sexless marriages.

Thanks for listening.

[cocorico]

I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. .

 

It seems you have a choice. You've had "the talk" many times, but nothing changes. This is how it's going to be. And, by staying, you're signalling that this is how you want it to be.

 

Your kids are grown. The extent to which a D would "disrupt your family" must now be considerably less than when they were smaller. What it will disrupt is your lifestyle, your routine, your comfort, and you need to decide whether you value those more than an active sex life and the affirmation and I to act that would bring. It's a choice, and one you make every day you choose to remain.

 

If you want something to change, you have to be prepared to make the change. That may mean leaving, or it may not - if "the talk" has not worked, have you considered MC as a possibility?

[LeGenDary_Man]

If you would ask any of our friends or family members they would say that we are the perfect couple. Background: My wife and I have been married 31 yrs. I am 57 and my wife is 50. Two grown children living on their own. I am an attentive husband and father. I clean the house regularly do the yard work and I am an excellent cook. My wife and I both are in very good physical condition. Sex was good before marriage then shortly after it got worse. Two years after marriage she had an emotional affair with a coworker. I don't know if she had sex with him but she swears that she didn't. Then the kids came and life just got very busy and our intament life just dwindled away. I tried everything that a good husband who loves his wife should do. At the present time our sex life is practically nonexistent. She doesn't like for me to touch her genitals and oral sex sex is not wanted buy her. When I was young and my blood was full of testosterone I could over come her aversions because I wanted it badly. Now I have a hard time getting hard and staying hard. We might have sex 10 or less times yr. Its been this way for well over 2 and a1/2 decades. She never initiates sex and rarely touches me outside the bedroom unless I get it started. I take her out for dinners, to movies and tell her I love all the time. I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. Yes I have had the talk many times. It is constantly on my mind. My wife seems content to live without intamancy for the rest of her life. Her actions in the bedroom screams "I don't like having sex with you". I'm at the point now where having sex with her turns me off. Leaving her seams to be getting more and more like what I should do. 30 years of living in a sexless marriage is really starting to weigh on me more and more. I foolishly believed things would get better over the yrs. I stayed for the kids and divorcing now would deffinately disrupt my family. Its like a light bulb finally went of in my mind that my beutifull wife has no attraction for me in any physical way. The feeling that I have the most is "Rejection, and undesirable". To my way of thinking is that if two people love each other and take marriage vows they are entitled to be loved and to be desired as long as they don't mistreat each other and I have not. I have been reading a lot of the posts on hear and it pains me to see so many people suffering through sexless marriages.

Thanks for listening.

You two have spent so much time together; I wouldn't advice you to divorce now for the sake of just one reason: "self-gratification."

 

The sheer history of being together for such a long period of time is not easy to throw away and neither is advisable, IMO, because one of you or both WILL GET hurt significantly in the process. Your marriage is not unique in the context to have reached "sex-less" phase after such a long period; many couples stick together in later years of their lives for companionship, stability and memories of being together. Till death do us part.

 

Read some threads here about marriages which have ended in divorce after long periods and the pain that both or one of the spouses involved feel(s) is of mind-boggling proportions. Here is an example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/385280-24-years-marriage-ended

 

If you had taken the step to divorce much earlier, you would have been better off with it. But now?

 

It doesn't matters if your kids have grown-up and/or are independent now. Divorce at this stage will (still) hurt them and also disrupt their "confidence" in success of marriages. Many couples fail to realize this FACT when they divorce much later in their lives.

 

Their might be some (long-time and/or deep-rooted) issues in your relationship with your wife which you (probably) have failed to grasp properly thus far and these issues may have turned off your wife. In your opinion, you are the perfect husband but what does your wife perceives you in this manner? What does she thinks about your marriage?

 

You mentioned an "emotional affair" in the history of your marriage concerning your wife; maybe this aggravated the situation? Your wife was unable to "emotionally bond" with you afterwards? In majority of cases, extra-marital affairs are deal-breakers. I wonder that how and why you failed to stick with your wife after the affair? You didn't had kids during this time and you could walk-out easily.

 

In addition, it is possible that your wife is experiencing low-sex drive (low testosterone level). This can be fixed with appropriate medication.

 

Check out this article: FOXSexpert: 5 Ways to Fix a Sexless Marriage | Fox News

 

My advice may seem strange to many here because I come from a culture which promotes "family values" above all. Western cultures, in contrast, promote "self-gratification" above all.

 

So think and plan your actions wisely.

 

- You may not want to see your wife in the arms of strangers now or do you?

- You may not want to hurt your wife through a divorce or do you?

- You may not want to dent the confidence of your children in marriage or do you?

- You mentioned that you have a hard time maintaining erection now; so what if you fail in maintaining future-relationships after break-up? You want to die single?

 

These are the questions that you should ponder over.

 

I suggest that you and your wife seek "marriage counseling." Push your wife in this direction.

 

You can give this service a try: http://www.marriagemax.com/marriage-counseling.asp

 

Also, read this article: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2008/01/04/spark-up-your-marriage-6-ways-to-date-your-wife-all-over-again/

 

Furthermore, focus on the medical history of your wife. She might be in need of treatment for boosting her libido.

 

Keep this thing in mind: Their is no such a thing as "perfect couple."

Edited April 28, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[carhill]

Within this posting is a very important lesson that men can learn from women. When the marriage is unhealthy and deal-breakers like infidelity or abandonment rear their ugly heads, get out, immediately, then rebuild.

 

To my way of thinking is that if two people love each other and take marriage vows they are entitled to be loved and to be desired as long as they don't mistreat each other and I have not.

 

I hear you but that's not how things work anymore. You got that wake up call when, back in 1985? Coincidentally, I would get an important lesson in the behavior of MW's in that same year. So glad I did. That way, in the future, there would be no surprises. People do what they do and it is what it is.

 

You might be surprised at the changes in your body once it is out of this counterproductive relationship. Your psyche too. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Furthermore, focus on the medical history of your wife. She might be in need of treatment for boosting her libido.

Have you seen "Hope Springs"? Watching it with your wife might be an icebreaker in starting a conversation about the issue. Therapy together could be a real benefit and, given your 31 years together, worth a try before you just head out the door...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eggplant]

We might have sex 10 or less times yr.

Step 1 -- schedule sex once a week. Let her lie there like a dead fish at first, let her smile. Don't let it hurt your ego. And do it in the daylight hours.