Hi again

[Curlyj]

I posted a couple weeks back telling a bit of my story.

Brief recap: ive been with my fiance for 10 years and have two young children. As of the last 3 years ive been having an affair with a co-worker. It started as an EA, and eventually turned physical.

My OM ended it about a month ago now. It was so hard for me. Not necessarily the ending of the affair so much as the end of our friendship.

 

We have since started talking a little, and being friendly. However that did end up with us in bed again. I wanted so bad to just be friends, but I am starting to see that really is impossible. At least for now while emotions are still all over the place. Sigh. I really just miss having my friend there for me.

 

I guess the best route is to go NC, but i am so weak when it comes to that. I literally have no will power to not text someone ive been texting daily for 3 years! Just habit I guess.

 

And I can't really go completely NC when I have to see him at work (luckily its only 3 days a week we actually work the same day)

So far at work I've kept it pretty LC...just hi or joking about something completely unrelated to us. We never talk about us at work anymore. It really is just friendly banter.

 

 

How do I stop this habit? I want my sanity back!

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Curlyj,

 

Yeah, you can't be friends. Its impossible to go backwards. And I know what you mean about the friendship. One of the reasons I find it difficult to sustain anger towards my ex-AP is because of the friendship. That was always the basis.

 

Anyways in regards to you- did I read correctly that this is your OM. And not MM? Meaning- you are married and he is single?

[Curlyj]

Hi Curlyj,

 

Yeah, you can't be friends. Its impossible to go backwards. And I know what you mean about the friendship. One of the reasons I find it difficult to sustain anger towards my ex-AP is because of the friendship. That was always the basis.

 

Anyways in regards to you- did I read correctly that this is your OM. And not MM? Meaning- you are married and he is single?

 

 

Yes, i am married (or engaged...common law) and he is a single man.

 

MetalChick...NC is indeed the pits. The most I've gone is 2 days :/

[Praying4Peace]

I'm sorry if you've posted this before but why did OM end it a month ago?

 

How are things with your fiancé in general...?

 

Maybe you should try going NC and see how you feel after a few months. Would you want to get to a place where you don't have feelings or a need for friendship with OM and you are reconnected to your spouse?

[ThatJustHappened]

You could tell your fiance. That would definitely help you stop sleeping with the other man.

[Curlyj]

I'm sorry if you've posted this before but why did OM end it a month ago?

 

How are things with your fiancé in general...?

 

Maybe you should try going NC and see how you feel after a few months. Would you want to get to a place where you don't have feelings or a need for friendship with OM and you are reconnected to your spouse?

 

OM never really gave me a reason for ending it. We've gone through this a couple times, where one of us backs out of it. Somehow we always end up back together. This is time is the real deal though.

 

There's always been so much uncertainy on both parts as to where we wanted this A to go. One minute we wanted to be together, and next one of us would chicken out. I finally told my fiance I wasnt happy in our relationship and I wanted out. I thought ok, here i go, i am making a decision finally and now me and OM can make a real go at it. Then OM got scared and wanted out. I was destroyed. This was quite awhile ago. We eventually worked things out to a degree, but I had lost all trust/confidence in out relationship and if it would ever really work.

As all this is going on, my fiance was talking me out of leaving, giving me the guilt trip about the kids, etc. So to this day, fiance and I are just in limbo. Not seperated, but not a couple either. Here for the kids.

 

My relationship with fiance is just...ok. We dont really fight or

Anything like that. The love just sorta slipped away...on my part anyways. He is a fantastic person, a great father, just a really good good guy. I just dont "feel it" anymore with him.

 

I imagine that is mostly because i am so preoccupied with exOM. I spent the last few years not en giving my fiance a chance.

[whichwayisup]

Does your H know of your affair? That would be a sure way of ending ALL personal contact with your exOM. He should decide for himself if he wants to stay married, give you another chance. Just saying keeping this secret (if he doesn't know) may blow up in your face one day..

 

Consider transferring to another position or finding another job. You can't get over someone, when you see them everyday..well you can, but it makes it much harder (as you know). NO friendship can ever happen between you two.

 

Texting was a habit..ALL habits can be broken! Just replace that habit with something fun and passionate that has nothing to do with him or texting.

 

Spend more time with your children and with your husband. Focus on them and not yourself and what you're missing about exOM.

[lynn1954]

 

Texting was a habit..ALL habits can be broken! Just replace that habit with something fun and passionate that has nothing to do with him or texting.

 

Spend more time with your children and with your husband. Focus on them and not yourself and what you're missing about exOM.

 

^^^ Yes, what she said!!

[Curlyj]

Does your H know of your affair? That would be a sure way of ending ALL personal contact with your exOM. He should decide for himself if he wants to stay married, give you another chance. Just saying keeping this secret (if he doesn't know) may blow up in your face one day..

 

Consider transferring to another position or finding another job. You can't get over someone, when you see them everyday..well you can, but it makes it much harder (as you know). NO friendship can ever happen between you two.

 

Texting was a habit..ALL habits can be broken! Just replace that habit with something fun and passionate that has nothing to do with him or texting.

 

Spend more time with your children and with your husband. Focus on them and not yourself and what you're missing about exOM.

 

No, I have not told my fiance about the affair. Will I? I think so. He does deserve to know, but I can never seem to gather the courage to do it. He suspects something anyways, so it probably wont come as a big surprise, but i am still struggling to come clean. I keep pushing it aside because something else in life is happening (broken cars, sick kids, etc.) all just things that are stressful enough without dumping the whole A on top of it. I suppose thats just me making excuses though, huh?

 

I also want to deal with my feelings over my AP, to get my head straight about all of that. I want to grieve that loss, before I can truly figure out where to go with my fiance and come clean. I am afraid I wont be able to handle it all at once. Does that make sense? Emotionally I am pretty weak, and get so overwhelmed sometimes.

[Praying4Peace]

That makes sense. So go NC and start going through your withdrawal symptoms and then tell your H. It'll be hard for him to see you go through any type of withdrawal and he'll need you to be there for him.

 

Though sometimes all at once will help take your mind off AP bc you'll be more focused on saving your relationship.

[ComingInHot]

why stay w/your fiance if you don't love him?

[Curlyj]

why stay w/your fiance if you don't love him?

 

That's the big question!

I do love him, he is such a great man. Maybe once i have put this affair behind me, I will be able to find my feelings for him again?

I don't know. We have kids, a house, and all those things that "bind" people together. It's hard to walk away from. We do have a long history together. He has told me over and over he would be devestated if we split. That he wouldny want to find someone else. He would miss the kids too much. That is a huge reason there...the kids. I would never ever keep them away from him, but I can see his point, visiting them is just not the same as being with them all the time. I dont want to keep them from eachother. I also couldnt imagine not seeing my kids everyday.

 

Believe me, A or no A, the thought of calling it quits with my fiance is a daily struggle. I want to end it, take some time for me, and start fresh. And a part of me thinks I will regret walking away from it and all our history and what we share. But right now, it mostly just feels like we are just good friends raising our kids!