Commitment issues?

[QuestionReality]

I am engaged to a wonderful guy. When we started dating, I had come out of a relationship,moved far away from my ex to be alone for a while and figure things out. My now Fiancee,wanted to originally date pretty quickly into meeting. I agreed, just as long as things went slow, so I could figure out my brain while everything was going on.

Long story short, 4 years later- we are engaged- weve lived together 2 years,and Im having the same gut feeling I had with my ex, not to take this leap.Our sex life is pretty much non existant lately,but aside from that, everything is as it always is,normal. I dont really think about cheating or anything like that, I just miss living alone sometimes,and taking care of myself,and not having to worry about someone else all the time.

My ex was a total jackass with serious drinking problems.. My Fiancee, is probably the nicest person I've ever met. Before calling a therapist to discuss my commitment issues, I figured Id take a stab at a post.

Any opinions ? I appreciate it!

[Scott S]

Ironic, that one of women's most frequent complaints about men is their perceived phobia of commitments.

 

Love relationships do take some time to develop, in order to have a long-lasting basis. Each relationship is different, some develop faster than others. It doesn't help things when one or both have latent issues from previous relationships. They aren't necessarily a deal-breaker, but can definitely be obstacles.

 

I'm sorry to hear your ex was so problematic, but painting all men with such a wide brush not only is unfair, but will likely preclude you from ever having a love relationship.

 

Counseling may or may not help you with your issues. Ultimately, you have to decide what's right for you.

 

But if you decide that for whatever reason that getting married or even continuing your relationship is not right for you now, then you owe it to him to at least tell him & explain it to him. It's not fair to string a person along indefinitely. Men don't care for that any more than women do.

[QuestionReality]

I appreciate your reply. I didn't mean to come across as labeling all men one way,sorry if thats how I implied it. I have talked with my Fiancee about it. He thinks I'm just over thinking everything. But hey, the 1 in 2 marriages end up in divorce statistic gives me something to think about. I cant really pinpoint why I feel this way about getting married,which,in itself is odd,because I'm a very straightforward person. I usually have no problems communicating my thoughts or feelings. I cant seem to grasp this one,though.

*shrug* maybe I am over thinking. But i do appreciate you giving me some things to think about.

 

Thanks

[Scott S]

I appreciate your reply. I didn't mean to come across as labeling all men one way,sorry if thats how I implied it. I have talked with my Fiancee about it. He thinks I'm just over thinking everything. But hey, the 1 in 2 marriages end up in divorce statistic gives me something to think about. I cant really pinpoint why I feel this way about getting married,which,in itself is odd,because I'm a very straightforward person. I usually have no problems communicating my thoughts or feelings. I cant seem to grasp this one,though.

 

*shrug* maybe I am over thinking. But i do appreciate you giving me some things to think about.

 

Marriage IS a serious commitment into what is, by nature, a high-maintenance relationship. There is a departure from one's comfort-zone, especially for those who have had problem relationships in the past. You know singleness, there's security in what's familiar.

 

Even in a good marriage, there is a long period of adjustment to each other. You're discovering things about each other, even with someone that you've already had a long relationship with. Marriage changes all of that.

 

I can't say whether you're overthinking. Only you know that. You mentioned you're considering counseling, perhaps couples counseling would be in order. This way he feels included in the process, & less anxious about it.

 

Your fiance sounds like a great guy. He deserves to know what, if any, future there is here.

[Scott S]

BTW, I do speak from some experience. I have been divorced, gone thru the hurt, the uncertainty, the insecurity, the re-adjustment, the healing, & am now well into a second marriage. We recently celebrated our 8th anniversary.

[Svetybug]

I too am in kinda the same situation as QuestionReality. I have been with my bf for almost 3 years.

He asked me to marry him last month and I said yes. Scott, can you elaborate a little on your "insecurity" and "uncertainty". Like QuestionReality, I also have these gut feelings that something isn't quite right. My bf's ex cheated on him, so it was basically her that ended the marriage. He said that he was unhappy towards the end. I can't help but feel that I am just a comfortable substitute, that what he really wants is his old life back with his ex and their kids, even if it was unhappy, it was comfortable for him. Thanks

[jmargel]

My wife was the same way. She was always very independant. Always wanted her own space. Before we got married, we went to a marriage counselor. It was the best thing we could have done. We are still going to her, because of some of my wife's issues.

 

It took a big adjustment. She moved in with me (never lived with a guy before), changed jobs, changed environments and then had family problems to deal with. I knew we couldn't solve this on our own, so we started counseling back in May.

 

As we were planning the wedding she would tell me her doubts. I didn't get offended, and knew she was going to. Everyone has them. As the wedding day got closer, and to finally that day.. Neither of us had any doubts. I was very very calm the whole day (the wedding was at 6pm).

 

Being married only a month I can say out of everything, I feel SO much closer to her. People have this perception that your whole world is going to be turned upside-down after you say 'I do'. That's just not true. Just like when some people say marriage will fix a broken relationship, it won't. You'll notice after you are married your spouse is the same person before and after the wedding.

 

Some people also have the 'grass is greener on the other side syndrom'. Those people will be living a lonely life in the end. Every couple gets into a rut now & then when it comes to sex. We do it usually twice a week on average. Sometimes it's alot more, sometimes not. Depends on how stressed we are, how busy, tired we are, etc..

 

Sex shouldn't be a measure on how well your relationship is. That's only a tiny fraction of all the other indicators out there.

 

Love is a risk, and everyone takes it. Otherwise if it wasn't then love wouldn't be so special. This person chose YOU out of the billions of people in this world. Treat their love and their feelings as a gift.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Svetybug

Scott, can you elaborate a little on your "insecurity" and "uncertainty".

 

It was about what would happen, what the future would hold. My world had been significantly disrupted, as you can imagine.

 

Later, it was about whether I would be able to trust anyone again, & whether I would ever open up to someone, making myself vulnerable. For several years, I wouldn't. I was certain I would never state again. In fact, my New Years resolution following my divorce was a vow of celibacy.

 

Well, eventually I got better, & started dating again. I was unsure at first, venturing out of a comfort zone. When I met the lady who I married, the uncertainly was mutual, as she had been through a bad breakup herself. There were several miscommunications, & times where I thought sure I had ruined things.

 

Even now, there are still misunderstandings, but we're more secure in our relationship, so things generally don't escalate into a crisis. It did take some time to reach that point, though.