Why do people string others along?

[tuxedo cat]

I have never quite understood the underlying psychology.

 

It can't be that they're afraid to hurt people because they end up hurting people more in the end.

 

I'm most perplexed by is people who are able to justify it to themselves. I can understand a player who is just thinking coldly about his own personal gain but how do otherwise "nice" people justify this kind of behavior?

[JuneJulySeptember]

I can give two perspectives.

 

From a man's perspective, a desirable male may just be after sex, action, some temporary companionship, or all of the above. I don't really know. I've never been in this position of advantage. But my male friends/acquaintances who have, they usually will hook up with most average and above looking girls. The girl will take the hookup as the sign that she's in, when in reality she is not completely in.

 

As far as women, I have been the victim. I think women want attention, are jealous creatures, and emotional. Some of them. If you reject a guy, then reject him 100%. I have had women who rejected me flirt with me and try and make me jealous. Either when things were going bad with their boyfriends or I got a GF. I realize they still don't like me but are jealous of what they perceive as my happiness. Really nasty stuff. I realize guys can do this stuff too.

 

Women are also just as likely to be players in my opinion.

[carhill]

One potential is that there is nothing to justify, in that person's psyche. They simply lack the psychology or socialization to 'put themselves in another's shoes'. People, variously, exist to satisfy their needs and wants. I've been observing social interactions of late, even my own, and have 'tuned my radar' for such nuances. It's fascinating to study/observe. 'Stringing along' is simply a methodology with a benefit.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I also think that the way the game is structured, many guys don't have multiple options. Women have the advantage and most of them have multiple options.

 

So, a guy may throw all his game at a girl he's not all THAT into just to see if he can get her. Because a number of guys will fail many times before they can land a woman.

 

So, once he gets her, she's smitten, but it ends up not to be what the guy really wants. So, he'll dump her.

[Archgirl]

I think I just strung along someone. A really great guy who made me feel safe and cared for. I just broke it off with him for someone way less good for me.

 

He wanted a big committed relationship and I think I freaked out. Then cried for two days for being a terrible person.

 

So I guess in answer to your question, sometimes dating is just complicated and sometimes people get hurt/hurt others. I think stringing along is rarely the result of cruel intentions, usually just someone like me who is unsure as to what they need until it is a bit too late.

[soccerrprp]

I have never quite understood the underlying psychology.

 

It can't be that they're afraid to hurt people because they end up hurting people more in the end.

 

I'm most perplexed by is people who are able to justify it to themselves. I can understand a player who is just thinking coldly about his own personal gain but how do otherwise "nice" people justify this kind of behavior?

 

Ego and frankly, insecurity. Nice people have both.

 

"Nice" people who string people along do so b/c they are insecure about their own self-image and may also fear the act of severing the relationship. Postponing may be a way for them to help them slowly come to grips with the reality that he/she will have to end the relationship. There are those who truly dislike the idea of ending it. They do end up doing more damage, but they don't think that way.

[SpiralOut]

Self-absorption.

[ScreamingTrees]

I think I just strung along someone. A really great guy who made me feel safe and cared for. I just broke it off with him for someone way less good for me.

 

He wanted a big committed relationship and I think I freaked out. Then cried for two days for being a terrible person.

 

So I guess in answer to your question, sometimes dating is just complicated and sometimes people get hurt/hurt others. I think stringing along is rarely the result of cruel intentions, usually just someone like me who is unsure as to what they need until it is a bit too late.

 

You know, instead of just accepting this ****ty new reality for yourself, you could always call back the guy and explain to him the problem and just be honest, like you could've been in the first place..

 

Not trying to attack you, but think about what you did for a moment. Communication. Pillar numero uno of any relatively strong healthy relationship.. Why didn't you talk to him? You had nothing to lose in your mind, as you willingly ended it..

 

It would've made no difference to just tell him that you were scared that things were moving too fast, and if he'd actually CARED about you (rather than loved, unless he's the type to make up his mind on that sort of stuff quickly?) he'd be willing to listen to you and take things slower..

 

It's a shame that you most likely aren't going to try to do this, because I don't see why this relationship could've be salvaged.. WHY settle for some lame gross dbag? Seriously.. What's wrong with you?

[Star Gazer]

TC: No offense, but you're doing it yourself with herpes guy.

[Silly24]

Low self-esteem. They need validation constantly.

 

 

The girl who has a busy life but show interests in an occassional text/email and looks forward to seeing you on the weekend until you're both ready for more is probably your best bet.

 

Sad thing is...she seems boring to most men....:/

[tbf]

There are any number of reasons why people are either perceived to be or actually are, stringing people along:

• Uncertainty of feelings, whether to proceed or not.
  
• A change of feelings.
  
• A difference in emotional pacing.
  
• Casual dating.
  
• Casual multi-dating.
  
• Looking for NSA sex.
  
• Juggling and backburnering.
  
• Ego stroke.
  
• An arse.
  

[shiver23]

As someone who's been the one to "string someone along" for over a year, and break his heart at the end of it, a lot of it can be changing feelings.

 

I was involved in a LDR with a friend of mine that I met online. We had some really awesome moments and Skype-ing, the whole deal. I spent 2K to visit him. We were pretty much engaged by that point (I had a ring...). And I vehemently realized how ill suited we were for each other.

 

He had anxiety/depression issues that I knew about, but knowing about them, and living with them for a week, are different things. I was shocked by how truly insecure he was. I have depression of my own, but I have a pretty good handle on them. He wasn't furthering himself at all career wise, and still was very much dependent on his mother.

 

I had to break his heart, or end up in a relationship that was toxic. It was a very messy thing, and he still hates me. Just my two bits.

[2betex]

I think I just strung along someone. A really great guy who made me feel safe and cared for. I just broke it off with him for someone way less good for me.

 

He wanted a big committed relationship and I think I freaked out. Then cried for two days for being a terrible person.

 

So I guess in answer to your question, sometimes dating is just complicated and sometimes people get hurt/hurt others. I think stringing along is rarely the result of cruel intentions, usually just someone like me who is unsure as to what they need until it is a bit too late.

 

Why would you go for something "less good" ... jumping into a new relationship as fast as you implied screams you were stringing the "great" guy along.. That is not an accident you probably knew you were going to bolt for a while.. You should have talked to him if he was such a "great" guy

[jrtfrisco]

Why does a seemingly "nice" person string another along?

 

It could be that maybe they are not so "nice" after all.

 

Or, if they are a genuinely nice person, it can be that they don't have the common sense to do the right thing (break-up, or tell the other person how they truly feel, i.e., that they don't want anything serious, etc.).

 

Or, if they are a genuinely nice person, and if they have common sense, it can be that they don't have the courage to do the right thing...they don't "man up" and do what's right.

 

The above scenario seems like the most common one.

[Maleficent]

You know, instead of just accepting this ****ty new reality for yourself, you could always call back the guy and explain to him the problem and just be honest, like you could've been in the first place..

 

Not trying to attack you, but think about what you did for a moment. Communication. Pillar numero uno of any relatively strong healthy relationship.. Why didn't you talk to him? You had nothing to lose in your mind, as you willingly ended it..

 

It would've made no difference to just tell him that you were scared that things were moving too fast, and if he'd actually CARED about you (rather than loved, unless he's the type to make up his mind on that sort of stuff quickly?) he'd be willing to listen to you and take things slower..

 

It's a shame that you most likely aren't going to try to do this, because I don't see why this relationship could've be salvaged.. WHY settle for some lame gross dbag? Seriously.. What's wrong with you?

 

OMG. I love you!

 

Is it so hard to think about what you're doing and how it will affect the other person!

 

Also, PEOPLE, being honest and saying you are not «ready» for a serious relationship right off the bat does not free you from responsibility on what you will say and/or do for ****'s sake.

[Kamille]

There are probably people who string others along consciously, but I bet they're in the minority.

 

I think most people do it unconsciously for the multiple reasons tbf summarized.

 

I've been in both positions of feeling like I was strung along and perhaps stringing someone along. Always, all of us could be considered nice, caring, respectful individuals. In those instances, the main reason someone perceived themselves as being "strung along" usually had to do with the following things:

1. One of the partners needing more from the relationship than the other is willing/able to give while the other partner is still trying to figure out if there is compatibility/enjoying the "getting to know" you phase.

2. The more-invested partner not being able to communicate their needs (perhaps in fear of rocking the boat).

 

Unless you're dealing with a liar, being strung along is generally a matter of perception - not an actual fact. The bottom line is that it is up to the person who wants more to speak up, not to the partner who's okay with the status quo to guess at the other's expectations and feelings.