Will being "Just Friends" work?

[Nayan712]

Hi, I'm going through a tough time like most around here and was wondering if I could get some support or answers.

 

My back story is not necessary for my question here, but if you'd like to really know, you can find out here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/389434-mutual-breakup

 

So, long story short, I want to know if its possible if my ex (first love of 4 years) and I can become friends at the very least once we are able to get over our breakup. She said she would like that too, but of course none of us know until we are over the breakup...I feel it might help that I'll be moving to another country in a few months, so our physical attractions will be subsided by the distance... But I have no reason to hate her or be mad at her, she really is a nice person that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life-even just a small part of her.

 

(The break up was mutual and we both know we have strong feelings for each other, the breakup was primarily based on our life goals and bad timing)

[shiver23]

You might be able to talk civilly, but I don't know if "friends" is the right word. Try to get involved in other activities, meet new people. You're going to hurt for a while, that's inevitable. I wish you luck though, breaking up due to timing sucks. Trust me, I know.

[todreaminblue]

Hi, I'm going through a tough time like most around here and was wondering if I could get some support or answers.

 

My back story is not necessary for my question here, but if you'd like to really know, you can find out here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/389434-mutual-breakup

 

So, long story short, I want to know if its possible if my ex (first love of 4 years) and I can become friends at the very least once we are able to get over our breakup. She said she would like that too, but of course none of us know until we are over the breakup...I feel it might help that I'll be moving to another country in a few months, so our physical attractions will be subsided by the distance... But I have no reason to hate her or be mad at her, she really is a nice person that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life-even just a small part of her.

 

(The break up was mutual and we both know we have strong feelings for each other, the breakup was primarily based on our life goals and bad timing)

 

i am friends with both my exes.......it is possible the boundaries need to be specific.....you need to be able to forgive and let go.both my exes have qualities that are good...i try and concentrate on them ....adn still keep in mind why we are nto together anymore....adn i move on ...they wish to remain friends with me...fi they were to say tomorrow ...deb dont need you as a friend anymore i would wish them well.....and let them go....there is no emotional attachment other than friendship..and compassion..deb

[Nayan712]

Thank you both for responding. I really don't have many people to talk to about this and it is my first love/breakup so I'm clueless on what the 'right' thing or process is...

 

But your answers helped. I feel better knowing that others have had success in still being able to keep in touch-even if it's just barely. I feel as though if I can know that there's a chance her and I will be able to still communicate, however long down the line, it makes me feel better.

 

I'll always have feelings for her, for both our sakes I hope that my memories of our time together will be enough for me, but being able to communicate with her, and to know that she will be okay would make me feel much better now and in the future.

 

Has anyone else experienced similar situations or conditions?

Thank you

[Archgirl]

I'm still very close friends with my ex.

 

It was a mutual break-up because we didn't feel romantically/sexually interested in each other.

 

But we still love and support one another.

 

But I don't know any other couple who transitioned so easily. I think it can often lead to false hope for at least one of you.

 

Be careful what your motivations are. And if you wouldn't be happy to see her with/support her over the next guy she gets involved with then your are probably not ready to be "just friends".

[soccerrprp]

I have an ex with whom I have been friends with for some time. She's moving to another part of the country and that friendship will likely continue in some fashion at first. But, be prepared to let go all together. She may/will find someone else, be less communicative, more busy with her new life and the friendship may naturally wane.

 

If you are going to do this, just make certain you have her best interests at heart. If you can sincerely be okay with her being happy with someone else, you're a good friend. If you can't and it pains you to think that she will be moving on w/o you, spare yourself the pain and go NC indefinitely.

 

BTW, i'm also friends with two other exes. Completely platonic. We talk nearly daily about everything it seems. But, again, no emotional connection involved.

 

Good luck!

[Nayan712]

BTW, i'm also friends with two other exes. Completely platonic. We talk nearly daily about everything it seems. But, again, no emotional connection involved.

 

Good luck!

 

That's what I want, right now I'm still hurting emotionally, going through NC, been about 4 unbearable lost days, but I keep trying to tell myself it's not like shes dead, I will get to see her and talk to her again, but then I get unsure if she'll want to- even though we both said right now we do.

 

I know I have to be okay with it if it comes to that, but I just can't understand how to let go of someone completely like that who's been such a huge part of my life... We have so much in common, humor, hobbies, likes & dislikes, etc.

[soccerrprp]

Despite what some may say, you NEVER COMPLETELY let go. I think all the feelings you had for one another would have been a lie if it were so easy to forget.

 

Remember the good and with that remember how much happier you are knowing that she will be okay. To love someone is to be able to let go. As per her wanting to remain friends, well, that's on her and nothing you can control.

 

Good luck.

[Nayan712]

Despite what some may say, you NEVER COMPLETELY let go. I think all the feelings you had for one another would have been a lie if it were so easy to forget.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for that Soccerrprp, do you have any tips for me for coping with this breakup? It sucks because I don't hate her or feel any ill feelings for her- in fact I feel the opposite. And knowing she feels the same about me is getting me choked up.

 

But her and I both know it won't work out forever, so we're trying to not waste each others time despite how we feel about each other- especially since I'll be moving to Canada by the end of the year or early next year.

 

I, personally am hoping to get over the loss somehow and be able to be friends with her- so I know and can enjoy a few last fun memories with her before I'm gone. I just don't know how to move on because I miss her so much and I'm barely into NC and its killer.

 

I wake up sad from dreams of her, and it takes me almost all day to get into an okay space/clarity of mind, only to go to sleep at night, dream of her and it all starts over again.

 

I just have all these urges to talk to her normally, like see how her days going, how her family is doing, what fun stuff she has going on for the weekend, maybe watch some shows we're both interested in etc.

[soccerrprp]

Has she tried to contact you? I really believe that you need to continue with NC here. Your feelings for her are too strong right now and if you don't give yourself time to heal, when you leave, you will be carrying all of this with you.

 

Do you have other friends, hobbies? Try to keep yourself occupied with other things. Try.

[Nayan712]

She has not contacted me after the break up, she said we need time and space from each other for a while. So I'll respect her request as much as I want to speak with her.

 

However, I feel that she may contact me either this week or next, as her graduation is in 3 weeks. I'd really like to be there to support her on her big day and I know she'd like me to be there too- as that's what she said right before our BU talk began... Her words were: "I'd really like you to come, but it might be hard". So we"ll see what happens there...

 

I don't have many friends, her and I were two loners and that's what made us closer too. But, I do have finals coming up so I've been forcing myself to study... I've had to stay out of my apartment because I can't focus in there so today I tried out studying on campus under a tree, I feel much better and was able to get some stuff done. But now it's starting to get dark, and I can feel the sadness slowly creeping back

[soccerrprp]

Study. Watch a movie at home...comedies. Nothing sad. Talk to family members on the phone...do whatever you can to keep your mind off her.

[Archgirl]

Babe, he's right - it's not time for you to be friends yet you still haven't finished grieving the loss of the relationship.

 

Stick with NC. It will get better, I promise.

 

And when you get sad about it, just let yourself be sad - that is how you heal. And the really miserable painful bit won't last too long- 1 to 3 weeks max. After that you'll have more time where you can do/think about other things.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting

[Nayan712]

Thanks soccerrprp & Archgirl.

 

I felt better during the day, felt like I was able to focus on my work and move forward- really slowly, but still, forward...

 

But then it started getting dark, went to run some errands with a friend, and everywhere in the city I live in reminds me of her because her and I always went shopping together or for food and everything practically

 

But I hear what you guys are saying and I know you're right, to keep pushing on and not break NC. It's just so hard, during the day time I was okay with letting things be and look towards moving on, but now my thoughts are wandering, even as I watch TV and eat dinner, im just scared that after everything, she might not want to be friends for fear of getting too attached, only to have me be leaving soon.

 

I understand that's her choice, and there is nothing I can do about it, but feeling this way and knowing that that might be a possible outcome is really weighing on me and what I've lost.

 

EDIT: I guess I just don't know how to grieve that it's over... I start to think about all our good times and it's just too much, I get sad that that won't happen anymore- I know it may in the future with someone else...but I miss her company now.

[slovek]

I think if you both still love each other its not fair for your new love. Because you will always think of her instead. I know long distances relaitonship that worked out. In the end, if you really love each other, you will try to make it work no matter what. Sorry that you guys broke up even though I feel its a bad decision. Love will make things work.

[Nayan712]

Thanks for that Slovek, I understand what you're saying, but (and I can only speak for myself here), I don't think I'll be getting into another romantic relationship for a long while... of course anything could happen- and if I were to meet someone I just fall into love with, then I can't really do anything about that but I'll be happy. As for my ex, we'll call her C, during our breakup talk, she too said she didn't feel like seeing or being with anyone for a while. Her and I did long distance before for a few months during the summers when we were away, and it was rough, but for us, what kept it alive was knowing we'd see each other after a few months. With this move that's happening in the near future, it's more permanent.

 

But anyways, here's an update:

Still in NC, been almost 2 weeks, it's still rough. I get waves of sadness and just missing her. But I have been able to slowly get back into my life and focus on studying and preparing for final exams etc. From the advice people have provided here, I know time is the only thing that can help, but sometimes I just wish we could jump into being friends again, that company and ability to be ourselves and be accepted totally by someone else is what I really miss with her. I've been doing a lot of thinking as well- trying to move on, and realized, as bad as it may sound, the last year of our four year relationship lacked that romantic spark we used to have... I feel like we were already transitioning into being friends without each of us knowing it... but that could be just me- so I won't say anything to her to break her heart again if she does not feel the same way. Anyways, her graduation is coming up in about 2 more weeks, so I may be hearing from her soon. Thank you everyone for all the help and feedback, everyone here really has helped me cope through pain I couldn't imagine I'd ever feel. Still pushing through so if anyone has any other comments or suggestions, please let me know.

[Nayan712]

Update:

 

I finally caved and broke NC after almost a month... I tried to keep the text objective- I asked if she would be okay if I attended her graduation (which is in two days). I asked after I had spent the a good few days processing things and being okay if the answer was no. However, she said I was welcome and she'd like that. So, I left it at that, didn't follow through with the flurry of questions I had. I'll attend her graduation in two days, keep it short and platonic. When we were still together, I was planning on getting her a gift, but now I think maybe I should just get a card and write some words of encouragement and some of her accomplishments? (Anyone have any opinions on this?)

 

Thanks

[Nayan712]

Update: Graduation

 

So, I attended her graduation. We messaged a little while I was trying to figure out where I should sit and wait after the ceremony to congratulate her in person. Those messages seemed oddly very friendly. She wasn't guarded or using defensive words. After the ceremony, I was able to find her in the crowd, I gave her the card I had got for her. She was with her parents- both of whom I had met before on numerous occasions and were always nice to me. They were still nice, we did the common greetings. When I finally turned to C, she looked so happy (as she should be at her graduation), she gave me a hug, and thanked me for coming and asked how my finals went, but also that they had to leave because of dinner reservations within the next 15 minutes. So I said no problem, congratulated her again, gave her a hug and walked away.

 

I felt like finding the nearest building corner, curling up and cry my eyes out. I don't understand what's happening. I'm happy for her, I'm happy to see her happy...but, the way she acted today in those brief few moments made it seem like the last 4 and half years never happened, she saw me just like any other friend...and I guess that is what I wanted eventually...but, it made me feel like she was fine that we broke up, she doesn't care. For me, almost every day of those 4 years was filled with great memories we shared, and I miss how we used to act and share and be around each other. I understand that our romantic relationship is gone, but I feel like she was trying to (and succeed) in ignoring the last 4 years- and that hurt me so bad.

 

Does anyone have any reccomendations or advice or just any input?