To OW: Did he divorce her for you ?

[JourneyLady]

I was the BS. We were going to try and reconcile. However, when the OW got her last word in (after he told her goodbye) , it depressed him so much that it interfered with the reconciliation. It drove me nuts that after all our decades together it depressed him more to lose someone else than me, so I didn't do very well. Which I'm sure is partly responsible for our divorce.

 

For all intents and purposes, he and her seem to be very happy together as far as anyone can tell. It's been five years. Though it's humorous because as a couple they keep spending heaps of money on the grandkids, which "technically" are not his blood relatives. (My short previous marriage.) Though she is shortly to be a grandmother and I wonder how/if that will change things, if they do.

 

I was unhealthy in that marriage - both mentally and physically and have since recovered both. (Enabler). I have had one 5 year relationship since then, but recently went my separate way as I found myself in my ex-husband's role and it was just getting to be too much. I am prepared to be extremely choosy on the next go-round.

 

Overall... Yeah, I miss him and find I have taken on some of his characteristics and humor. But I truly believe I am better off than I would have been if he had stayed and repaired the marriage. He's never lived without some kind of a partner in his whole life. From his parents to my place to same apartment building (if not same apartment) to another marriage.

 

I have spent much more time alone and much time also in a relationship that was growth oriented even if it didn't last. Since "becoming" is my focus, this sort of works out better for me, painful as it sometimes is.

 

So my answer to the question would be yes. He divorced me and married her and seem to be happy. I know she celebrates "winning". However, it did tear the family apart and the son we had together does not communicate much with either of us. So in effect he is not as close to his son as he might have been otherwise. Big win for her. Several smaller but potent losses for he and I.

Edited April 29, 2013 by JourneyLady
misspelling

[WayneJay]

I was a MM and I never told my girlfriend that I would divorce my wife. I wanted to wait it out until my son was out of the house and in college but I didn't make it that long I just couldn't do it anymore. I was miserable. I would have divorced my ex wife even if I didn't have a girlfriend and my ex girlfriend wasn't my girlfriend when I divorced my ex wife but she has recently agreed to go on a date with me since we are both single now.

 

I told my ex girlfriend the truth of why I was staying and it was not because of my wife. It was mostly because of my son I felt he was at a vulnerable age and I wanted to wait until he was old enough to handle it better. I really wanted to wait until he was grown but like I said I just couldn't do it anymore I couldn't be married to my wife anymore. And there were a lot of other things that I would consider to when thinking about divorce. I gave up a lot in the diovrce becausse in the end it just didn't matter anymore. I wanted out more than anything so I basically chewed off my own arm to get out but I'm happier now then I have ever been it was the right choice.

 

So although I didn't divorce my wife for my ex girlfriend necessarily I would like to have a relationship with my ex girlfriend now that I finally got out of my marriage.

[WayneJay]

is there any successful case that involves like a year of being apart (breakup) and then he is single and chases you again ??

 

Not sure if I will be successful or not but my ex girlfriend ended it with me over two years ago and she has agreed to go on a date with me next weekend. I'm sure that it happnes and I hope that I didn't take too long to diovrce so that it did any damage to my girlfriend and me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Nope - d-day hit and he ran back to his wife and through me under the bus.

[Got it]

To all Ow, did he tell you he would divorce her and finally he did ?

and you two get together happily ??? Does this case really happen ????

If yes, did you two have any breakup in between???

 

Did he tell me he would divorce? Yes. Did hr divorce for me? No. Are we together? Yes we are married. Happy? Yes . Yes there was a break up in there.

[seriousgirl]

Well ,,thanks for all generous contribution

My issue ,literally, is to ask OW.

If you are the OW, did the MM ever suggest taking a step back as friend and he will divorce his wife when he is more ready and he will find you when he is single .And during this period, you two become friends and later he really divorces and comes to find you , And now you two are no more secret .

[Praying4Peace]

Did he tell me he would divorce her? Yes.

 

Did he? No.

 

Kept seeing each other after countless Ddays. Final one when W was definitely through he seemed relieved. Then, she decided she wasn't done with him and he threw me under the bus and we are completely NC.

[Got it]

Well ,,thanks for all generous contribution

My issue ,literally, is to ask OW.

If you are the OW, did the MM ever suggest taking a step back as friend and he will divorce his wife when he is more ready and he will find you when he is single .And during this period, you two become friends and later he really divorces and comes to find you , And now you two are no more secret .

 

Seriousgirl, I think you are are looking for identical stories to see if an outcome is plausible but that maybe hard to find as details do vary.

 

Are you describing your situation and want to see what your outcome may be? If that is the case, then my answer is . . . it depends.

 

No he did not step back asking to be friends. Have I heard of that happening? Yes. Did it work out that they got back together? In most cases no as the MM didn't divorce, in some cases he did but the relationship between the MM/OW was strained too much and in some cases she had moved on, in others he wasn't offering enough that appealed to her by that point. And yes in some cases they got back together or varying success.

 

Bottom line, there are no guarantees, there is no "one" way that will point to a certain future.

 

My take on it, I was walking, I was heading down a road sans MM, if he caught up in time and I DECIDED that I was still interested in him, then great and we would give it a go again. But it was his gamble as I may very well not be interested or already taken and then it was his loss. He decided that letting me go was an option, which was his right, but it was my right and my option to decide if I was ever interested in him again.

 

So sure it can work out. But don't put yourself on hold hoping for it. Walk forward with your head high and your back straight. You are in the driver's seat on whether or not he is worthy of you. If he is too slow then it is his loss and pity for him.

[KeepMeInMind]

seriousgirl, I was thinking about your question and I've been on LS for a while and I was trying to recall how many ow's had ended up marrying their mm.

 

Here is what I've come up with that I can recall from LS. 4 couples. One fow now wife has already posted here in your thread. I can think of 3 other couples. One out of those, (I can't recall her name here), her husband/xmm ended up cheating on her.

 

 

For what it's worth, if my MM had stayed with me, I never would have been seeking out a site like this to find some kind of answers, comfort, etc. I came here basically with the same question the OP has.

 

You just don't find a whole lot of happy endings looking for sites like this to post on. So it skews the stats when you only look at message boards, IMO.

[Summer Breeze]

For what it's worth, if my MM had stayed with me, I never would have been seeking out a site like this to find some kind of answers, comfort, etc. I came here basically with the same question the OP has.

 

You just don't find a whole lot of happy endings looking for sites like this to post on. So it skews the stats when you only look at message boards, IMO.

 

This is so true. I ended things with dMM and 4 years later he had ended things with his W and was back. We're working on it all now and I'm hopeful but realistic about our future.

 

A couple of points to make about this. As KMIM says there wouldn't be a whole lot of participants here who had happily moved on. I came here a few years ago looking for some general chit chat and liked the mix here. I ended up enjoying talking to people about all sides and it's been a pretty therapeutic place to be. Now that I've worked through a few things and my life has changed pretty drastically I'm spending less time here. I think there isn't a huge representation of 'others' that have moved forward.

 

The next point. In my life I've dated a lot. I married 1 person. Because someone leaves a M and wants to see where things go doesn't mean you will be together. I think that's why it's so important that if someone leaves a M they need to be doing it for them and not for the 'other'.

 

Ok. More than a couple. The last one is my personal connections to couples who started from As and managed a R. My xH married his OW and they've been together over 20 years. One of my colleagues and her H were both M and got Ds. They have been together for almost 25 years and M for 19. I have probably 3 or 4 more that I can think of that have left Ms and had significant Rs but didn't result in M.

 

Someone mentioned this is nothing to celebrate. With respect I'm going to disagree with that. I'm not trying to cause any problems or insult any BS but I am celebrating every day that I've been given the chance to see what dMM and I have. I love every minute with him and I do consider it a successful R so far. I hate the fact he hurt his W over it and I hate the fact it started the way it did but I do celebrate the fact we're together and what I have in him.

 

I will add that I even though I'm a firm believer that it happens more often than we actually think it does, it's no way to live your life -- waiting for someone and revolving everything around hope. It's a more difficult situation to be in than I thought it would be too but I don't regret it at all.

[Praying4Peace]

This is so true. I ended things with dMM and 4 years later he had ended things with his W and was back. We're working on it all now and I'm hopeful but realistic about our future.

 

A couple of points to make about this. As KMIM says there wouldn't be a whole lot of participants here who had happily moved on. I came here a few years ago looking for some general chit chat and liked the mix here. I ended up enjoying talking to people about all sides and it's been a pretty therapeutic place to be. Now that I've worked through a few things and my life has changed pretty drastically I'm spending less time here. I think there isn't a huge representation of 'others' that have moved forward.

 

The next point. In my life I've dated a lot. I married 1 person. Because someone leaves a M and wants to see where things go doesn't mean you will be together. I think that's why it's so important that if someone leaves a M they need to be doing it for them and not for the 'other'.

 

Ok. More than a couple. The last one is my personal connections to couples who started from As and managed a R. My xH married his OW and they've been together over 20 years. One of my colleagues and her H were both M and got Ds. They have been together for almost 25 years and M for 19. I have probably 3 or 4 more that I can think of that have left Ms and had significant Rs but didn't result in M.

 

Someone mentioned this is nothing to celebrate. With respect I'm going to disagree with that. I'm not trying to cause any problems or insult any BS but I am celebrating every day that I've been given the chance to see what dMM and I have. I love every minute with him and I do consider it a successful R so far. I hate the fact he hurt his W over it and I hate the fact it started the way it did but I do celebrate the fact we're together and what I have in him.

 

I will add that I even though I'm a firm believer that it happens more often than we actually think it does, it's no way to live your life -- waiting for someone and revolving everything around hope. It's a more difficult situation to be in than I thought it would be too but I don't regret it at all.

 

That was me! I am actually sooo happy for you. I just meant that when it happens right after a Dday (moving right in together) its kind of a sad occasion. After my last Dday me exAP came over to spend the night and he looked stressed and sad. I also feel like the BS's on here might get upset.

 

In my case I have gone NC completely. Nothing. Not one email/text/call. I think in the cases where the two affair partners get together usually there is some contact throughout the years even though the "A" is over. Oh well : )

 

I also agree that happy people don't report as often and that it's usually not openly admitted that your relationship was an A at the beginning.

[So happy together]

seriousgirl, I was thinking about your question and I've been on LS for a while and I was trying to recall how many ow's had ended up marrying their mm.

 

Here is what I've come up with that I can recall from LS. 4 couples. One fow now wife has already posted here in your thread. I can think of 3 other couples. One out of those, (I can't recall her name here), her husband/xmm ended up cheating on her.

 

Hi Lg.

 

I am wondering how many women are happily OW? And... you must admit, there are those that are not on this site because they don't need to be built up? I know four people IRL that have been in my situation. Three are okay. Well... the new couples are okay. The xwife... I don't know.

[Summer Breeze]

That was me! I am actually sooo happy for you. I just meant that when it happens right after a Dday (moving right in together) its kind of a sad occasion. After my last Dday me exAP came over to spend the night and he looked stressed and sad. I also feel like the BS's on here might get upset.

 

In my case I have gone NC completely. Nothing. Not one email/text/call. I think in the cases where the two affair partners get together usually there is some contact throughout the years even though the "A" is over. Oh well : )

 

I also agree that happy people don't report as often and that it's usually not openly admitted that your relationship was an A at the beginning.

 

I see what you mean and I imagine it would be really different. There was a lot of time between for us so I wasn't looking at it like that.

 

Thanks!!

[AHoleLotOfCrazy]

I was a fOW who ended up with the MM. Did he divorce soley for me?....I tell myself no. Our situation was quite different than most affairs. We have been together now for three years... I wouldn't say happily. I love him as much as I did during the affair. The connection is still there and stronger than ever, but it hasn't been easy by any means. Things are slowly starting to get better though. We have definitely been through just about everything and I have to admit karma is definitely a b*tch.

[AHoleLotOfCrazy]

Thank you LadyGrey. I do truly believe he is a narcissist. To be honest, after finding that out, I feel more sane than I have in the past 4 years of my life. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I do feel like he is my other half. He has issues, but everyone has some kind of issue. I'm not sure I should condemn him for his problems especially if he is willing to work on things. I'm not sure what will happen. I'm kind of in a "wait and see" mode. A large part of me feels like I deserve the way my life has been these past few years.

[Minnie09]

I think women are more likely to leave for somebody else. They can get swept away by all the love and passion. Men are more able to compartmentalize. They like to have the stable family life and the mistress on the side and seem to be able to handle a double life better than women. In my circle of friends......I have to say that ALL men who ended up with the AP (not so many, but still a few) were actually kicked out by the W. so the AP got the guy, but by default. He didn't have anywhere else to go. All of these guys portrayed the case in a different light though. They said they left, but as soon as you hear both sides of the story, you know what the truth is.*

[KeepMeInMind]

I guess I'll add a happy ending to this. One of my best friends was engaged and her husband was married when they met, fell in love, believed they found their soulmates, and they've been happy together ever since. They are absolutely adorable together. You can just see the adoration for each other in their eyes. It's a beautiful thing.

 

And yes, it was much harder for him to end his marriage than for her to end her engagement. I think that's pretty common. The men find it harder to leave, even if they truly want to.

[cocorico]

Because someone leaves a M and wants to see where things go doesn't mean you will be together. I think that's why it's so important that if someone leaves a M they need to be doing it for them and not for the 'other'.

 

While I agree very much with the principle of this, the reality is that for many men in unhappy Ms, with kids, they would not leave if it was not "for someone". Not because they want or need a "soft landing" (though I'm sure those cases do also exist) but because their sense of obligation and duty towards their kids looms so large in their lives that to do something as selfish as leaving a M in pursuit of their own happiness, thus rendering their kids vulnerable to trauma and insecurity through a split, is simply not on the cards. Throw another person into the mix, though, and someone else to whom a debt of love and loyalty is "owed", and they are not simply leaving for their own selfish reasons, but "for someone else" - which makes it easier to justify in their duty-focused frame of reference.

[Anna-Belle]

He is heading towards divorce. Not for me though, but for himself. While he during the EMR saw me as the door to freedom, he has now realized that the marriage in and of itself deserves ending. Our relationship is meanwhile continuing while his marriage is ending on its own accord.

[Sarabi]

No, he never told me he would divorce her. Why would he?

In some mad moment of ridiculousness he whispered that if ever it didn't work out he would come and find me...

Anyway, he was the one then singing about how I am so rubbish and I will never be good enough for any man (I presume that because he is a man, that includes him) so, lets assume he is right and that no man wants me.

[Summer Breeze]

While I agree very much with the principle of this, the reality is that for many men in unhappy Ms, with kids, they would not leave if it was not "for someone". Not because they want or need a "soft landing" (though I'm sure those cases do also exist) but because their sense of obligation and duty towards their kids looms so large in their lives that to do something as selfish as leaving a M in pursuit of their own happiness, thus rendering their kids vulnerable to trauma and insecurity through a split, is simply not on the cards. Throw another person into the mix, though, and someone else to whom a debt of love and loyalty is "owed", and they are not simply leaving for their own selfish reasons, but "for someone else" - which makes it easier to justify in their duty-focused frame of reference.

 

I pretty much agree with you CR. I totally agree that it's seldom that anyone leaves an M without some sort of trigger or event. Most are happy enough to stay til something happens and blows it all apart. I honestly believe that men want a soft place to land, more than women do. I also agree that there is huge pressure on men of an age with their feeling of duty coming into play. The thing I find stupid is that they have this sense of duty and turn their back on the person they were supposed to be dutiful to.

[Aurora1]

Debbie Downer here. Fell in love with a close friend, have the most insane connection and bond. It was never a begging, pleading, desperation kind of thing in regards to expecting each other to walk away from marriages. It was "I want to be with you RIGHT NOW, and FOREVER."

 

We were together 3 weeks and he went back. He's been back for 13 months. Yes, we still saw each other. Obviously, there's a lot that happens in 13 months, but I'll spare the details and just say that:

 

He's not happy.

She's rose colored glasses happy.

I'm giving him/them space right now.

 

And I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

Of course he's not happy, he let a 3rd person into his marriage, there should only be 2. I hope they don't have kids.

[KeepMeInMind]

There are no kids.

[waterwoman]

I know of one couple for whom it 'worked out'. Married nearly 13 years together now and devoted and happy. I say 'worked out' in quotes because obviously ex-w wasn't happy but the new couple are now. BUT the marriage that ended was the archetypal dead marriage, no sex, no interests in common, he was always working away (or is that me just breathing the MM press? ). And my friend (the IS) is the most determined and focussed woman I have ever known. If she wanted to be pope I have a feeling she'd manage it:D

[NPP10]

For those who ended up together, who initiated that step?