"Are you asking me on a date?"

[Star Gazer]

....anyways, back on the topic of the original topic...no need to de-rail it, Stargazer. ;-)

 

I'll repeat what I said before: They don't know you're asking them on a date because they're not there to be picked up on.

[sillyanswer]

To answer the original question... if they don't fancy you AND they met you or know you via a social (vs dating/singles) scenario then the idea that it might be a date doesn't occur to them because the social cues point towards a friendly context.

 

Sorry, she's just not that into you.

[Star Gazer]

To answer the original question... if they don't fancy you AND they met you or know you via a social (vs dating/singles) scenario then the idea that it might be a date doesn't occur to them because the social cues point towards a friendly context.

 

Sorry, she's just not that into you.

 

Yup........

[fortyninethousand322]

Nah, comparing a cooking class to a late night bar is apples and oranges.

 

I am extremely turned off by a man who attends a class, meetup, organized activity, in the hopes of meeting women to ask out. They're so transparent. Trust me on that. They give off a vibe, it's obvious they have an ulterior motive.

 

Using your bar example, it's the difference between the guy who comes right up to you in a late night bar with f*ck me eye, versus the guy who's part of a larger group of group of guys at a sports bar who are there to drink some beers and pal around and watch a basketball game, who happens to see a pretty girl watching the same game, and approaches her.

 

Who makes a woman out to be prey; the other takes advantage of a serendipitous circumstance.

 

If you can't understand the difference, and why it's important, I can understand why you'd have trouble dating. It demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence and social skills, I'm sorry to say.

 

Hmm, interesting. Honestly, as much as online dating frustrates me, it's my primary vehicle for trying to get dates precisely because everyone on those sites are looking for dates (hopefully), there's no confusion or misunderstanding.

 

I've been to a few social events over the years, always because it was something I wanted to do (like a co-ed basketball team I was on) but I won't lie I always hope that I'll meet someone there. It's never happened, and I've never asked anyone from those on a date (most of the time I don't even talk to any of the women) so I'm not exactly like the OP. But, then again, I haven't been on a date at all since February 2011, so it's not like I've won anything either. It's kind of lose-lose, either way you go.

 

And for the record, I'm not offended at the suggestion that I lack social awareness. I've long suspected that I'm "missing something" when it comes to interacting with women. Like completely lost. So, anyway, this isn't a thread about me...

[ScreamingTrees]

I believe he's picking the wrong meetup groups, and using those meetup groups solely to meet women.

 

Most people who use Meetup use it for the stated activity - skiing, hiking, biking, whatever - NOT to meet members of the opposite sex for dating. Yes, if you happen to meet someone as a consequence of being in the group that you like and want to get to know better and date, great. But to go to these Meetups for the sole purpose of meeting dates will likely result in great disappointment and annoyance to the other members.

 

My girlfriends and I belong to several Meetups or similar groups, and the few men who are there to find dates... trust that we can smell them a mile away. They're so obvious. It's kinda creepy. We've actually had one guy asked not to return to two different Meetups groups because it was obvious that he wasn't truly interested in the activity, but rather the women in it.

 

I've told the OP this about 10 times. He refuses to listen.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. I'd never go to a group unless I'd already had enough interest in the activity to warrant signing up for it and going out to meet like-minded people.

 

I wouldn't ever even assume that someone would even be contemplating a date, regardless of where I am, really. It wouldn't help that the setting would be a special interest group.

 

The only problem I personally have is that I don't do drugs or drink, and I don't think that I'd ever find a good match in a bar or club anyway.. Either of which seem to be the only truly obvious place where someone may at least EXPECT an approach.. I'd be reluctant to even bother hitting on anyone anywhere else, even if it seems as if they'd be receptive.. but I can't imagine where else I could keep an eye open.

 

I also don't believe that things will always simply happen "naturally".. Obviously, you can't *force* things to happen, but I feel that if I just continue to live my life (of course this is going to happen regardless) and expect a girl to just take notice of me as I'm being sociable and relaxed and "myself" and suddenly she'll realize she's attracted to me and try to make it obvious..

 

I'm absolutely sure I'd be in for a rude awakening, I'd only realize such a casual/"natural" approach is not helping when a few years pass and my romantic life has continued to be non-existent.. I could either accept that things will likely never change , or be more proactive despite the fact that it may *always* be unwarranted or undesired, regardless of the scenario or setting..

 

Better to have been rejected and have actually tried, no? Better to have asked, than to reject myself internally before even giving myself the chance.

[todreaminblue]

Sometimes when I encounter single women, and I ask them out.....doesn't happen frequently as much as it used to, but for some reason they were not entirely sure if I was asking them out on a date or "as friends".

 

Of course, the OBVIOUS answer..."Of course it's a date...duhhhhh!" (What rock have you been living under, lol)

 

Anyhow, I'm going back to recall asking a woman out by phone....and then she calls me back 5 mins later, and she said, "Do you mean as in a date?"

 

And I responded, "Um yeah, what did you think it was?"

 

Then she said, "Hm, sorry, but not thinking of you as someone I would go out on a date with, but I have no problem seeing you at the next Meetup event"

 

But, I am kind of baffled why would a woman think otherwise? Perhaps ladies can give some idea?

 

Does a man have to metaphorically hit the woman in the head with a frying pan to make his intentions obvious?

 

 

at least if you get hit in the head with a frying pan.....you get to see the frying pan coming so you can duck or take the hit......deb

[SteveC80]

I'll repeat what I said before: They don't know you're asking them on a date because they're not there to be picked up on.

 

Please people meet in all sorts of different ways it doesnt always have to be the perfect moment or setting,people who have trouble attracting the opposite sex especialy men need to be as proactive as possible they cant afford to wait for the perfect opportunity.

 

Lets be honest here the problem isnt where hes approaching its that the women hes approaching arent attracted to him simple as that, if they were then there wouldnt be this problem of where he hit on them.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

It's been the opposite for me.

 

I used to invite girls out as friends (or they ask me out and I assume it's out of friendship).

 

Then they just stop talking to me when I didn't make a move. This happened multiple times. It wasn't until one of them actually told me that this was happening that I realized that it actually happened multiple times.

 

LOL whoops!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Alllllll of your threads. They'are alllllll about these women you pick apart, whom you meet at all these Meetup groups.

 

What activities do you actually enjoy without having to be around women? Which groups are you a part of?

 

I actually think that using dating as a way to meet girls is a fantastic idea. I used to do it all the time when I was still single.

 

OP, you just have to get into the activity. If you really don't like it, act a bit. Ask a lot of questions. Make it look like you're sincerely interested in it. Go to the event a few times and flirt enough to potentially get the girl interested in you, but not enough where it seems like you're only there for the girl. After about 3-4 events, you'll have plenty of dates.

[irc333]

Please people meet in all sorts of different ways it doesnt always have to be the perfect moment or setting,people who have trouble attracting the opposite sex especialy men need to be as proactive as possible they cant afford to wait for the perfect opportunity.

 

Lets be honest here the problem isnt where hes approaching its that the women hes approaching arent attracted to him simple as that, if they were then there wouldnt be this problem of where he hit on them.

 

Good point, Steve....perhaps it should be rephrased, "Women don't go to Meetups to get hit on by men, but they are there to get hit on by men they are interested in". LOL

 

I recall a recent social Meetup, it was an introductory Meetup for new members. I sat down with at the same table as this one woman and started to talk to her....then more people started to funnel in...and she goes, "Hey look, there's more women here than there are men, looks your chances are pretty good, Irc!"

 

We laughed, so.....it's no big surprised she was there for the same thing. Some women at the Meetup were going on about what they're looking for in a guy during dinner conversation...so it's obvious.

[Buttercup84]

Can I take you out for dinner ... At the bar? Australian accents are really hot. Let me put my shrimp on ya barbie!

 

So romantic

[ScreamingTrees]

You're right, but I'm going to be pedantic and point out that I said "don't like". I find that it's entirely possible to discover that I don't like a dating partner in that sort of time, especially if we hadn't met before or hadn't had any one-to-one time before.

 

I'm not claiming any great dating skills here... I'm probably just fussy.

 

You'll know if you're attracted to them or not, which is what people will ALWAYS be sure of, BEFORE they know what sort of person they are. Unless you're psychic, you have no idea.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions where two people liked each other's personalities and weren't initially attracted to each other, but, more often than not both parties will be together because they were drawn to each other physically, and stuck together because they found they were attracted to each other mentally..

 

I would never try to weasel my way into someone's heart by pretending to be their "friend" when I really want to BE WITH them. That would never work, VERY rarely does for 98% of the populace, and I wouldn't waste my time anyway.

[irc333]

I know what you mean, but this sometimes contradicts women who state they "want to start off as friends first"....so men see this modern cultural mantra....and try to go that route, as opposed to jumping straight in feet first.

 

THe Meetup does allow an opportunity to get to know someone before you would consider asking them out though...that's the great thing about it. You go out on a hike a few times, and get an idea how other people behave and interact....before one catches your eye more than the others and you take it to the next level.

 

Apparently, women like Star Gazer has some kind of axe to grind with men "hitting on her" at the events....but unless they're pretty much harassing her or her friends, I don't see any justification in squealing to the organizers.

 

Squealing to the organizers about what a person's "intentions" is not justified, and well....seems to show that she has an axe to grind.

 

 

You'll know if you're attracted to them or not, which is what people will ALWAYS be sure of, BEFORE they know what sort of person they are. Unless you're psychic, you have no idea.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions where two people liked each other's personalities and weren't initially attracted to each other, but, more often than not both parties will be together because they were drawn to each other physically, and stuck together because they found they were attracted to each other mentally..

 

I would never try to weasel my way into someone's heart by pretending to be their "friend" when I really want to BE WITH them. That would never work, VERY rarely does for 98% of the populace, and I wouldn't waste my time anyway.

[sillyanswer]

You'll know if you're attracted to them or not, which is what people will ALWAYS be sure of, BEFORE they know what sort of person they are.

 

Exactly. Which is why short dates (coffee / drink) can be great... if one party isn't attracted then they don't have to last long. If both parties are attracted then the date can either be extended (more drinks, or dinner, or a walk or whatever) or a second date will be arranged.

[emuchic]

I get a kick out of how people judge right away the nature of the activity, and then associate that person with being "cheap".

 

I could say, "Yeah, women who throw that card out there are probably gold diggers and want an expensive steak or sea food dinner".

 

But, I don't. ;-)

 

The activity is irrelevant.

 

Ok, True- in NYC, two rounds of drinks can be more expensive than some lovely ethnic restaurants... the idea is, if a man is genuinely interested in getting to know me, it would be nice to break bread with him. My first ever (and only) date for "drinks" after work left me starving, stopped for 2 slices of pizza on the way home! The guy didn't even offer appetizers!! 5 days later he TEXTED me to ask "meet for dinner sometime this week?" at 36 years old, he should know how to pick up the phone. In my experience, guys who ask girls out for coffee or drinks are the same type of men who text for a date.

 

This has nothing to do with money, I'd be thrilled with a free exhibition or gallery. I don't need steak or lobster, but i do need to see an effort.

[RedRobin]

To answer the original question... yes, guys have to tell me if it is a date.

 

I work around all men, and I prefer being able to navigate in my work like a man... just like other men they'd do business with. So, if a guy suggests lunch/dinner to talk business... that is what its gonna be. Business.

 

If we met some other way, at a Meetup event or something like that, I tend to avoid one-on-one get togethers with men for awhile... even then, I might be shy about calling it a 'date' because I want more time to observe and get to know him.

 

A lot of these Meetup groups it gets kinda gross how they all pile onto the new chick like horseshoe crabs to stake their 'claim'. No. Not going on a 'date' with new random guy so he can claim he's 'dating' me.

[irc333]

In my experience, guys who ask girls out for coffee or drinks are the same type of men who text for a date.

 

 

Your method of judgement is way out of wack, you seem to really purposely find reasons to make excuses when there's no basis as such.

 

That's like saying, "The kind of person that puts his pants on one leg at a time in the morning, is the same kind of person that robs liquor stores."

 

 

But coffee? No. The guys I've met for coffee were only interested in literally seeing me face to face, and then setting up a proper date. I interpreted them to be the type to cycle through women very quickly. Not my cup of tea.

 

Funny how people find irrational meanings behind a man's method for his choice of kind of event. It's amazing how these thought even pass through people's minds. If a woman is going to make THAT kind of a stink over a venue or choice of food or drink to put in one's mouth, she's not worth even knowing.

 

I could make ONE blanket statement that would make sense though in regards to these irrational thoughts, "What's that got to do with the price of tea in China??"

 

This is why I tend to focus on the dating profiles of women that don't care of such things, for instance, when I see, "It doesn't matter the venue or the event/activity we attend, as long as THEY are good company".

 

That's a good catch right there.

Edited May 3, 2013 by irc333

[emuchic]

Your method of judgement is way out of wack, you seem to really purposely find reasons to make excuses when there's no basis as such.

 

That's like saying, "The kind of person that puts his pants on one leg at a time in the morning, is the same kind of person that robs liquor stores."

 

 

 

 

Funny how people find irrational meanings behind a man's method for his choice of kind of event. It's amazing how these thought even pass through people's minds. If a woman is going to make THAT kind of a stink over a venue or choice of food or drink to put in one's mouth, she's not worth even knowing.

 

I could make ONE blanket statement that would make sense though in regards to these irrational thoughts, "What's that got to do with the price of tea in China??"

 

This is why I tend to focus on the dating profiles of women that don't care of such things, for instance, when I see, "It doesn't matter the venue or the event/activity we attend, as long as THEY are good company".

 

That's a good catch right there.

 

Not sure where to begin.

 

First of all, that has been my experience thus far- mine. me. This conclusion was drawn from my EXPERIENCES.

 

No one is making a stink. If we took a poll, right now- asking women which would they prefer for a first date: Lunch/Dinner vs Coffee/Drinks vs. Outdoor Activity vs. Musuem/Art Gallery/Play/Sporting Event.... I'm guessing dinner and other activities would win by a landslide. That my friend, is not irrational- not does it make us women "not worth knowing".

 

You're right it doesn't matter the venue or activity- like i said twice before, I'd be happy going to the park, or a free gallery, or heck just for a walk. Something more than alcohol on an empty stomach (there's something to be said for lack of inhibition when people are drinking) or a 15 minute coffee date. However, what a guy chooses- or how much thought and effort he puts into something does indeed reflect his level of interest. In my EXPERIENCE.

 

Regardless- clearly you're not doing something right when asking girls out...if they have to question whether it is a date or not. Invite a woman to dinner on Friday or Saturday night, there will be no question in her mind whether or not it is a date.

Edited May 3, 2013 by emuchic

[irc333]

OKay, so you're saying the event has to be "date-like"....I think I might've heard friends say that LUNCH ....is where a woman might not think it's a date, but DINNER would constitute a date.

 

Not sure where to begin.

 

First of all, that has been my experience thus far- mine. me. This conclusion was drawn from my EXPERIENCES.

 

No one is making a stink. If we took a poll, right now- asking women which would they prefer for a first date: Lunch/Dinner vs Coffee/Drinks vs. Outdoor Activity vs. Musuem/Art Gallery/Play/Sporting Event.... I'm guessing dinner and other activities would win by a landslide. That my friend, is not irrational- not does it make us women "not worth knowing".

 

You're right it doesn't matter the venue or activity- like i said twice before, I'd be happy going to the park, or a free gallery, or heck just for a walk. Something more than alcohol on an empty stomach (there's something to be said for lack of inhibition when people are drinking) or a 15 minute coffee date. However, what a guy chooses- or how much thought and effort he puts into something does indeed reflect his level of interest. In my EXPERIENCE.

 

Regardless- clearly you're not doing something right when asking girls out...if they have to question whether it is a date or not. Invite a woman to dinner on Friday or Saturday night, there will be no question in her mind whether or not it is a date.