collegegirlagain Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Hello I am new to this site because I was seeking advice on my marriage. I am currently living 200 miles away from my husband and only see him every couple of weeks. I made the decision to move away so that I could go back to school. He has been very supportive through all of this. He is a great guy, cleans the house, treats me good, takes care of things but I simply don't feel attracted to him in a sexual way . I would say my sexual attraction ended about 2 years into the relationship. I met this guy when I was just 16 yrs old and have been with him since. Why is it then that I have decided to have an AFFAIR? I met this great guy where I am at currently ( he doesn't know that I am married, I told him that I was engaged). I got married at a young age (21). 3 months after I got married I found myself having an affair with an exboyfriend. Even before we got married, I had 2 different affairs. I feel like a terrible person! I don't think that my husband knows about any of these affairs. I was diagnosed with MS 5 years ago and he even stuck by me during my bad times. I know that this sounds really bad, but I think the reason I got married is because I needed health insurance and I thought no one else would ever want me. I put on some weight over college and my illness and now I am back into shape and other guys are paying attention to me. I feel so selfish. Any girl would die to have my husband, but I don't feel satisfied with him. What is wrong with me? Please help me sort out my feelings and give me some insight- Thanks so much Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 If you haven't told him that you're sleeping with other people, you should. I won't get into the moral crapola, but I believe your actions could physically harm your husband. Yes, that's right. AIDS, chlamidia, syphillis... Plus, there are a whole host of STDs that don't even show symptoms right away, like herpes, genital warts... whatever, it's all gross. My recommendation is that you get tested for HIV, tell your husband so that he can get tested for HIV, and also get tested for the whole host of diseases that your skanky behavior could have brought down on your husband. Also, my opinion is that you are not ready for the bonds of marriage due to the fact that marriage takes more maturity then you are displaying. You don't seem to have any consideration for his feelings, you only care about yourself, your needs, and your wants, while you drain money and emotional support from him. I'm sure that he'd love an STD on top of all of the other blessings you've heaped on him. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Can't see why I cheat on husband Because you are a selfish child who has no idea what commitment, love, and vows mean. You are addicted to the attention you recieve. You enjoy the thrill of sneaky illicit affairs. You do not respect yourself. You do not respect your husband. You have never suffered at the hands of someone you love. You somehow think you are entitled. You have brainwashed yourself in thinking you are no longer attracted to your husband. You have never been held accountable for your actions. Those are a few, I am way too disgusted by your actions and lack of remorse to post more at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Because you are a selfish child who has no idea what commitment, love, and vows mean. You are addicted to the attention you recieve. You enjoy the thrill of sneaky illicit affairs. You do not respect yourself. You do not respect your husband. You have never suffered at the hands of someone you love. You somehow think you are entitled. You have brainwashed yourself in thinking you are no longer attracted to your husband. You have never been held accountable for your actions. Those are a few, I am way too disgusted by your actions and lack of remorse to post more at the moment You said what I was thinking so now I won't get "flamed" for it! Now to you CollegeGirlAgain...how old are you? (since it says collegegirlagain) I'm assuming mid to late twenties or older...so I can't say you're a child by age BUT I do think that you have a lack of self esteem and self respect. You're using sex to gain male approval and "love" (even though temporary) I think you probably need to feel validated and have someone "shower you with attention" in order to feel good about yourself. I won't go into the "moral issues" either because someone already did but you should know that it's insane that you wouldn't respect your husband enough or the new person enough to tell either of them about who YOU really are. That speaks volumes [color=red]it screams: I DON'T LIKE MYSELF ENOUGH TO SHOW MY TRUE SELF AND I'M AFRAID IF I DO TELL AND SHOW THE TRUTH I'LL END UP ALL ALONE WITH NO ONE TO GIVE ME MY FALSE SENSE OF SELF WORTH![/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 If you love and care for your husband and your marriage - then you need to start being honest with yourself and with him. Bring everything out in the open and mutually decide if anything is salvageable. If you can make changes for the better - I would suggest moving back in together an seeking counseling. In the mean time, don't put yourself in a position where you are going to cheat. You married so act married and don't be ashamed of it and lie about it. If you don't want things to work with your SO, then talk to him honestly and get out of the marriage. Start looking at how your actions affect others - it's not a pretty picture is it? Make the changes within yourself to become a better (less selfish) person. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Dazed and TA already covered my thoughts on this. I'm just wondering why the hell there is a smiley face by the title of this thread!?!? Are you really that happy about what you are doing? are for people who Not people who abuse the of good people! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 are for people who Not people who abuse the of good people! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 You're like a carbon copy of my TBXW, except without the 200 miles apart thing. She cheated during the engagement, again within about 2 months of the marriage, and then again a few years later. She married me knowing she had huge doubts but figured she should grab me before somebody else did, because I was "the best person for her." No thought whatsoever as to whether or not SHE was the best person for ME. My right to make that decision for myself was robbed from me by her willful concealment of a huge amount of vital information. Am I bitter? Yes, very. And I see you doing exactly the same thing to your husband, who you admit has made all these sacrifices for you and showered you with love that you clearly don't deserve. You had no right to marry your husband for such selfish reasons. Maybe you were only 21, but you were an adult, capable of making intelligent decisions. Maybe you had low self-esteem, but so what? That's not an excuse. There are tons of people out there with low self-esteem who DON'T deceive and betray the one person they've sworn to be faithful to. There's only one right thing you can do. That's to get on a plane/bus/whatever right now and go and tell your husband the truth. He deserves to know, so that he can make some decisions about HIS future. That future may not include you, but that's the price you pay. If you care about him at all, he deserves that. To deny him the opportunity to make choices armed with all the information is to continue your selfish behaviour. If you have to miss some school to do it, well... that's a sacrifice you can and should make. Just don't delay it for years until you have a couple of kids and everybody around you thinks you're the perfect couple. My TBXWW did that, and I feel like she stole a big chunk of my life from me, for which I may never forgive her. It'll hurt him and you, no doubt about it. But prolonging it and betraying him even more will hurt more. Let him get on with his life. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Originally posted by collegegirlagain Hello I am new to this site because I was seeking advice on my marriage. I am currently living 200 miles away from my husband and only see him every couple of weeks. I made the decision to move away so that I could go back to school. Why so far? Can you find a school close to where you and your husband live? He has been very supportive through all of this. He is a great guy, cleans the house, treats me good, takes care of things but I simply don't feel attracted to him in a sexual way . I would say my sexual attraction ended about 2 years into the relationship. I met this guy when I was just 16 yrs old and have been with him since. Sexual attraction had nothing to do with the person. It's not something you can decide on - it's there or it isn't. Many, many divorces happen every day because sexual attraction is lost. Being with him at such a young age and then losing your attraction for him is not surprising at all. Why is it then that I have decided to have an AFFAIR? I don't know. Only you can answer that question. I met this great guy where I am at currently ( he doesn't know that I am married, I told him that I was engaged). Why do you think you lied to him? Do you think that if he knew you were married he would leave you alone? I got married at a young age (21). 3 months after I got married I found myself having an affair with an exboyfriend. Even before we got married, I had 2 different affairs. I feel like a terrible person! I can understand why you would think of yourself as a terrible person -- you have done some terrible things. I don't think that my husband knows about any of these affairs. Probably not. If he knew I bet he would confront you with the information and he wouldn't be able to hide the hurt. I was diagnosed with MS 5 years ago and he even stuck by me during my bad times. That's what a married couple does -- stand by each other 'in sickness and in health'. I'm familiar with MS -- my father had the most severe form of it and was totally paralyzed and blind. http://www.nationalmssociety.org/ there is some good information here. I have contributed some to this site and have been active with fundraising and counseling for MS patients and their families. I grew up feeding my father, shaving him, emptying his urine bag, etc. and I saw what it did to my mother and the rest of my family. I hope that yours never gets to that level. Most people with MS have mild to moderate symptoms and new drugs are helping tremendously. My dad was diagnosed with it in the mid 1950's and even the doctors didn't know a lot about MS then. I know that this sounds really bad, but I think the reason I got married is because I needed health insurance and I thought no one else would ever want me. Believe it or not, that is not too uncommon. You recognize it now, and now you can do something about it. I put on some weight over college and my illness and now I am back into shape and other guys are paying attention to me. I feel so selfish. Any girl would die to have my husband, but I don't feel satisfied with him. What is wrong with me? Please help me sort out my feelings and give me some insight- Husbands and wives fall out of love with their spouses all the time. They don't feel satisfied. That is why there is such a high divorce rate. What is wrong with you is that you lack the conviction to make the decision that you know is right. Divorce your husband. Allow him to heal and find someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved, just as you need to allow yourself the freedom to love and be loved in a healthy relationship. You simply must be honest with your husband and tell him that you are not satisfied and want a divorce. If you don't want a divorce, then at least talk to your husband and set some boundaries for the marriage. If you are allowed to have affairs, he should be too. You both should be consistently tested for STDs. You are attempting to control the life of another person. By not telling him your true feelings and confessing your actions, you are taking away his right to protect himself and his right to make his own decisions. Obviously you are not happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Hello, Just a quick question. How would you feel if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to him? I suggest you owe it to him to tell him the truth so can find someone else who can love and respect him as a man and a husband because you surely cannot. If you treat someone like dirt, then it will be a matter of time before you end up as dirt. It's karma! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 I feel so selfish. Any girl would die to have my husband, but I don't feel satisfied with him. What is wrong with me? Please help me sort out my feelings and give me some insight- Maybe you should give another the chance. Its not fair to drag him along when he could have a chance with someone who will not cheat on him, and will be satisfied with him. He does deserve to know, wouldn't you want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author collegegirlagain Posted September 22, 2004 Author Share Posted September 22, 2004 I know that I am treating him unfairly, but it is so hard to find a way to tell him how I feel. As far as going home that is not an option right now because I applied to this school I am at because it is the best in the nation (and no there aren't programs closer to him). I know that I am selfish. I wasn't ever happy with myself however working in a dead end job that I hated even though I got to be around him. As far as my infedelity, I cheated 3 times but my ex boyfriend and I got together before me and my H were married or engaged as well as the other guy I was with. We were going through some rough times and I told him that I needed my space. I have always practiced "safe sex" with everyone though! (Not that it makes my cheating justified or right however) I have tried to explain (with little success) my feelings of doubt. He then replied with a "I knew that this was coming" and walked away. What are your suggestions for having a serious talk with him? How do you sit someone down that you have been with since you were 16 and tell them that you aren't happy and you are leaving. As far as the guy that I am currently seeing we have a lot in common, but I did misrepresent myself to him because I did like him and I did think that he would stay away.(if he knew I was married) Thanks for all of your input Link to post Share on other sites
StillChillinCookie Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by collegegirlagain I know that I am treating him unfairly, but it is so hard to find a way to tell him how I feel. As far as going home that is not an option right now because I applied to this school I am at because it is the best in the nation (and no there aren't programs closer to him). I know that I am selfish. I wasn't ever happy with myself however working in a dead end job that I hated even though I got to be around him. As far as my infedelity, I cheated 3 times but my ex boyfriend and I got together before me and my H were married or engaged as well as the other guy I was with. We were going through some rough times and I told him that I needed my space. I have always practiced "safe sex" with everyone though! (Not that it makes my cheating justified or right however) I have tried to explain (with little success) my feelings of doubt. He then replied with a "I knew that this was coming" and walked away. What are your suggestions for having a serious talk with him? How do you sit someone down that you have been with since you were 16 and tell them that you aren't happy and you are leaving. As far as the guy that I am currently seeing we have a lot in common, but I did misrepresent myself to him because I did like him and I did think that he would stay away.(if he knew I was married) Thanks for all of your input I'm 19, and I think you're a child that's gotta be harsh....You said,"it's so hard to find a way to tell him how I feel" Come on, that's what an intelligent 4 yr old would say "it's too hard". How do you think he's gonna take it? Probably harder than you'd be able to find a way to say it. Certaintly, you shouldn't have married such a nice and trusting guy. No freggin wonder chilvary is dead...Women like you killed it. My fiance was in a basement with no heater in once of the worst "ghetto" areas in NJ, That's when I started dating him. How many honest, self respecting women marry because of money? If you say most....Then I guess most of the other women out there are whores. then again how many honest and self respecting women are there out there? You have no relationship with this man. What is the basis for a relationship? Trust??? Tell him, more than likely hell stay with you since he knows that he's been sowrn to stick by and protect you... What happens if you ever do get to the point of paralization (if thats a word) are you going to want him by your side or would you want him out with another woman because he's not sexually attracted to you?How would you feel...OK you cheated, are you going to tell him, leave it alone, or do it again and again? Now think to yourself, what would you rather he do? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by Fayebelle Dazed and TA already covered my thoughts on this. I'm just wondering why the hell there is a smiley face by the title of this thread!?!? I was wondering the same thing when I saw the on this post.... Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 You cheat b/c you love all the attention you get from other men. You cheat b/c you find something in them that you can't find in your own H. You cheat b/c you don't really love your H and you are trying to find that love w/ another man. I am sorry you are going through this but I honestly think you need to tell your H and you need to get a D. I am not a believer in D (my own H had an A when were seperated and going through a divorce, but he realized the OW wasn't what he really wanted so he came crawling back to me and I gave it another try.), but I really think you need to set him free so he can find someone else that will love him and wont cheat on him. You are still very young. Don't live your life like this. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I agree with Hokey, and everyone else with like replies. If you're not happy, and if you can't find it with in yourself to remain faithful, then tell your husband, and leave. You've been with this guy a really long time, perhaps you should see some more of the world before you settle down again. I think you should see what it's like living single, and on your own, so that you can see how you that you had it with your husband. That way, you won't take the next guy for granted when he's kind to you. Plus, a feeling of accomplishment (that you get from making it on your own) and independence never hurt any female. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by DazednConfused Because you are a selfish child who has no idea what commitment, love, and vows mean. You are addicted to the attention you recieve. You enjoy the thrill of sneaky illicit affairs. You do not respect yourself. You do not respect your husband. You have never suffered at the hands of someone you love. You somehow think you are entitled. You have brainwashed yourself in thinking you are no longer attracted to your husband. You have never been held accountable for your actions. Those are a few, I am way too disgusted by your actions and lack of remorse to post more at the moment. Funny how those recently burned by infidelity always have just a little more to say than others. If you feel guilty, stop what you are doing. If that means ending the relationship with your husband fine. If it means ending your other relationships, fine. If you don't feel guilty, carry on. You've got some deeper issues going on here too BTW, being diagnosed with MS is serious business. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Funny how those recently burned by infidelity always have just a little more to say than others. Yup. It's true. Those of us burned do have something to say, but in this case, I simply answered the question she posed. I guess a few of us (myself included), can not only hear, but even heed our conscience. If you don't feel guilty, carry on. But then, some don't really care who they hurt as long as they get their rocks off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author collegegirlagain Posted September 22, 2004 Author Share Posted September 22, 2004 I totally agree with the statement that I have other things going on. I am going to tell my husband the truth. I do think that I need to be on my own. I grew up in with a dad that was an alcoholic/drug addict and I am thinking that since he never paid attention to me I seek it with other men. (I have a Bachelors degree in social science so I have taken a litttle bit of psychology. Thanks for everyones input Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by DazednConfused But then, some don't really care who they hurt as long as they get their rocks off. Yeah...that's funny how some people's priorities are twisted to the point of idiocy. See, maybe it's just me...but on the scale of importance, I'd put "being good to those who love/trust me" just a wee bit above "having orgasms". But you know, I'm clearly a misguided fool. It's obvious that busting a nut is the only thing I should concern myself with. Wow. I need to get my life together. I've been doing it all wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
sadness Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 A lighthouse in the storm - well done Mr. Spock. Either you simply enjoy playing devils advocate, or you are bored. Either way your horse is in the wrong race. Society draws a very distinct line in the sand - granted there's a lot a grey leading up to that line - but there IS a distinct line. Than line is adultery Cross is and you risk everything, stay on this side of it and your ok. Pretty simple huh? People cross that line for a variety of reasons, the most prominent being simple old fashioned selfishness... The pain you cause your "loved" one is nothing compared to the pain you will feel when he catches on and realizes how much better off he is with someone that can reciprocate his devotion. When he lies in bed in the dark, he's still going to feel good about how he conducted himself - you however will be tortured with pain and guilt. But that's neither here nor there at this point, as you are deceiving him. Collegegirl, the deeper issues you have going on are an excuse - take ownership of your actions and grow up. MS is debilitating, and may contribute to the overall stress in a relationship - but having an affair is a deal-breaker and only compounds all of the little problems. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 Maybe you were too young when you married. If you are not sexually attracted to someone that can never be forced and in spite of many people saying that it shouldn't be the most important thing in a relationship, it is extremely important. I didn't marry twice, in part because there was no sexual attraction on my part and I knew that would result in a lousy marriage. If you were attracted to him once it's possible you may be able to get it back. In your case I would tell my husband and the om the truth and see if you and h want to save your marriage. Do you want to? I don't believe that you are a terrible person who should suffer and be tortured etc. I think you need to decide what you want and stop what you are doing. Your now husband stayed with you when you were diagnosed with ms, that says a lot for his character, many people would not have done that. You owe it to him to let him find someone who really wants and loves him completely if you don't and feel that you never will. As far as marrying for the health insurance etc., I agree that it is probably pretty common, I think you are being more honest about it than most would be. All marriages are economically based, to some degree, whether people admit to it or not, that doesn't mean there isn't love/affection/attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 An affair is not a deal breaker. Sorry Dr. Phil. That maybe what the PopPycheDoc would want us all to believe, but an affair is not the end of a marriage. And if I read my stats right. It usually isn't. Don't get me wrong, I think CGA is being horrible. but anyone who says a marriage MUST end because of an affair is really looking at only half the situation, and is only being reactionary. Yes, infidelity sucks, but it is not the end of a marriage. CGA, tell your husband the full truth. Get ready to see some real pain. Roll with the punches, he's going to say and do a whole lotta hurtful stuff. And let him find his way through. DO NOT DEFEND if you want to stay married. If you don't want to stay married. Drop the bomb, explain it all clearly. And leave. notice I didn't say, "with your head held high." Take care of yourself. mA Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 You may have told yourself every excuse in the book and believe them, but it isn't true. You are not the innocent one here. You have no right to do this to him. No one cares about your low self esteem, that is YOUR issue don't make it your husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted September 25, 2004 Share Posted September 25, 2004 Because you have an underdeveloped sense of empathy. I forget, how old are you? I recently attended a conference where a neurologist discussed brain development. Typically, most teens are still having frontal lobe development going on.....which explains their self-centeredness and lack of awareness regarding others' feelings. Perhaps your brain is still at the 'teen' stage. I don't know why you're so confused. Generally, people use statements like "I'm confused" NOT because they're confused but because they don't want to do anything 'hard' or 'difficult' Now where on earth did you get the idea life, relationships and adulthood were supposed to be 'easy'? You're going to have a rough time in life until you learn that anything worth having takes work, the world does not revolve around what you want and thirdly, just because you WANT it doesn't mean you are entitled to HAVE it. I think the posters here have given you some excellent feedback in terms of what you should do. Do you care at all that you might be deeply, psychologically wounding another person? Hmm? No? Doesn't really override your desires to cheat? Well, consider your brain in need of some more development. "I want I want I want I want I want..." It's the battle cry of a child. Link to post Share on other sites
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