My marriage is on a brink

[Tracey]

Just need to talk here.... My husband and I just had our 14th anniversary yesterday. We have 4 wonderful children, ages 12, 7, 5 & 3. Monday he told met that he thought we should seperate. First he said I needed the seperation to find out what is going to make me happy in life, and for him because he's tired of me not being happy. Then he drops the bombshell that there is someone else. He started a new job (Nov. 7) he met her at work, and said that he wants the freedom to see if he could love her and be with her!! The job has him in an entirely new position..he's a boss now and he loves his job..he liked his job before, but this is in a feild he has always wanted to be in. He has the respect of those he works with, this is new to him also. The hours are very hard for our family to adjust to. He is gone from 11:30 am to midnight or after sometimes. Then he gets up by 10:00 am and has to get ready and leave. This is very stressful because I miss him, although I am the world's worst at showing it. We talked and talked and I basically begged him to give us a chance to work things out. He said okay, so we're working and adjusting. He said "she" is not an issue at all. He only talked to her at work and liked the way she made him feel, etc... but he says he doesn't talk to her anymore, to be sure he is giving us a fair chance. Some background might help here... 3 years ago my sister was killed in an auto accident three days before her 15th birthday. This devistated our family and I feel like I changed after that. Then last Aug (1999) I was diagnosed with something called PTC (Psuedo Tumor Cerebri) in a nutshell it is too much pressure on my brain, sometimes. I have it under control only in that I don't have debilitating headaches, but my husband says I have become a much darker, brooding person...I have never been that kind of person before. I gripe and put him down (which I would never do in the past) Anyway, my husband is the last person in the world to just up and say it's over and leave me and the kids... but I'm not sure of him anymore.. I'm so scared that I will take care of my attitude and make things better by being my old self again, but it won't be enough to make him want to stay. He said we will work it out, but at this moment I find myself just worrying that I'm going to say something or do something and he's going to throw up his hands and say that's it. The only other time I felt like this was when I lost my sister. My husband, who is usually very understanding and helpful, is very distant, except in bed. He says he's waiting to see what I decide I can change and live with, but he hated it because I was distant and now he seems very detached from 'us'. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to change for him, but for myself. He doesn't want me to kill myself to make him happy, he wants me to make myself happy and that,in turn, will make him happy...even if it means I decide I can't make a change that will make us work. What am I supposed to think? I feel like he's just waiting for me to screw up so he can say "hey, I gave it a chance"...and leave. I had brought up a seperation this last January, because I felt so stuck. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 13 years. We usually only have one car working, so when I say I've been stuck home, I mean STUCK. Anyway, the car issue is not a problem as of last week, but who wouldn't be stressed trying to take care of 4 kids alone while hubby is at a job that has him around women dressed to kill, not cleaning up after kids, doing laundry and in general doing the mommy thing? I'm not ashamed to say that I have let myself go over the last couple of years, no make up, usually wore my hair short, because it's easier, but he likes it long, so I'm not cutting it this time..and I'm fixing myself up every day...even if I do only see him an hour in the morning...and not at all when he gets home. And I did complain constantly about being home and all of that, but I'm going to watch that from now on.. So, I wonder if this is basically the stress of a new job? I know we need to work on things and I need to make some changes, but we have been trying to figure out why this last month has been so stressful... we think it's the job change. Any input out there?

 

Well, sorry to go on and on..

[Nic]

i'm sorry that you have been under so much stress with your marriage, family and health.

 

your post is screaming out "counselling". you need counselling for yourself to deal with the grief of losing your sister, your health problems, and to basically get back to your old self again. you have recognised you are not your old self, and that is a start. when you can get motivated to see a counsellor, get to the root of these issues, you will start to feel so much better about yourself. there is a bit of a stigma attached with counselling, but i think it is fantastic. it is liberating and can be life changing when you open yourself up to someone who has had experience in dealing with things like you're going through. an objective point of view can be enlightening. so don't be afraid, because you will be doing yourself a massive favour.

 

i think you need to start to work on yourself first before you work on your marriage. it could be that the problems in your marriage are stemming from your personal problems and fears. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. you can't help it if you don't feel like yourself, although it will rub off on your husband. buy you can help it if you are willing to seek professional help. but when the person you love is unhappy, it's only natural that you feel their unhappiness. it's quite likely that he feels your unhappiness stems from something to do with them, and that's why he's tried to find a bit of solace with someone else.

 

YOU WRITE: "he wants me to make myself happy and that,in turn, will make him happy...even if it means I decide I can't make a change that will make us work."

 

your happiness means a lot to him because he loves you. it says a lot that even if things don't work, he wants you to be happy. things will change when you start to feel happy again. you never know how, but at least you will be happy.

 

if you decide to seek help, sit down and talk to your husband about it. there is no point in trying to pinpoint one thing - "it could be because of your job", "it could be because of my sister passing away", "it could be because i'm stuck at home", etc. it is a culmination of things, and no particular event, thing or person is to blame. it is very important not to lay blame. it is important to make the effort to make things easier on yourself and in turn, your marriage. just try not to bear grudges and blame because it will only hinder the process of working through things and create more problems.

 

suggest to your husband that you would also like to try marriage counselling. he's going through a lot of pain right now too, and you need to support each other and try to work on it together if you are both willing.

 

YOU WRITE: "I'm so scared that I will take care of my attitude and make things better by being my old self again, but it won't be enough to make him want to stay."

 

even if your marriage doesn't work out oneday, at least you have confronted your problems and made the effort to get back to your old self. if your husband doesn't want to stay, don't take it personally. he fell in love with you, he married you, if he doesn't want to stay with you for who you are, then there is nothing you can do about it and he has to sort that out himself. if you can get back to your old self (just don't give up, it will take time), at least you won't have as many things eating you up inside, and you should at least be able to say, "hey, i'm back to my old self, and that counts for something".

 

i feel that the overall feeling of unhappiness and stress is stifling your relationship, and you need to get working on things quick smart for the two of you to be happy. also, learn to be happy with yourself. it's great that you're doing your face everyday. something so simple like that can make you feel so much better about yourself. get your haircut how YOU want it, not because someone else likes it that way. if you feel attractive/sexy with your hair short, it will show and you will glow. happiness is contagious (so is unhappiness though). look at the things in life that you are lucky to have and start to think positive about turning the things that you feel are bringing you down, around.

 

so many things have culminated here and seem out of control, but they are not. one step at a time, perhaps with a counsellor, and you will start to feel on top of the world again and in control.

 

my warmest regards to you. i hope i have been of some assistance here

 

 

 

Just need to talk here.... My husband and I just had our 14th anniversary yesterday. We have 4 wonderful children, ages 12, 7, 5 & 3. Monday he told met that he thought we should seperate. First he said I needed the seperation to find out what is going to make me happy in life, and for him because he's tired of me not being happy. Then he drops the bombshell that there is someone else. He started a new job (Nov. 7) he met her at work, and said that he wants the freedom to see if he could love her and be with her!! The job has him in an entirely new position..he's a boss now and he loves his job..he liked his job before, but this is in a feild he has always wanted to be in. He has the respect of those he works with, this is new to him also. The hours are very hard for our family to adjust to. He is gone from 11:30 am to midnight or after sometimes. Then he gets up by 10:00 am and has to get ready and leave. This is very stressful because I miss him, although I am the world's worst at showing it. We talked and talked and I basically begged him to give us a chance to work things out. He said okay, so we're working and adjusting. He said "she" is not an issue at all. He only talked to her at work and liked the way she made him feel, etc... but he says he doesn't talk to her anymore, to be sure he is giving us a fair chance. Some background might help here... 3 years ago my sister was killed in an auto accident three days before her 15th birthday. This devistated our family and I feel like I changed after that. Then last Aug (1999) I was diagnosed with something called PTC (Psuedo Tumor Cerebri) in a nutshell it is too much pressure on my brain, sometimes. I have it under control only in that I don't have debilitating headaches, but my husband says I have become a much darker, brooding person...I have never been that kind of person before. I gripe and put him down (which I would never do in the past) Anyway, my husband is the last person in the world to just up and say it's over and leave me and the kids... but I'm not sure of him anymore.. I'm so scared that I will take care of my attitude and make things better by being my old self again, but it won't be enough to make him want to stay. He said we will work it out, but at this moment I find myself just worrying that I'm going to say something or do something and he's going to throw up his hands and say that's it. The only other time I felt like this was when I lost my sister. My husband, who is usually very understanding and helpful, is very distant, except in bed. He says he's waiting to see what I decide I can change and live with, but he hated it because I was distant and now he seems very detached from 'us'. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to change for him, but for myself. He doesn't want me to kill myself to make him happy, he wants me to make myself happy and that,in turn, will make him happy...even if it means I decide I can't make a change that will make us work. What am I supposed to think? I feel like he's just waiting for me to screw up so he can say "hey, I gave it a chance"...and leave. I had brought up a seperation this last January, because I felt so stuck. I have been a stay at home mom for almost 13 years. We usually only have one car working, so when I say I've been stuck home, I mean STUCK. Anyway, the car issue is not a problem as of last week, but who wouldn't be stressed trying to take care of 4 kids alone while hubby is at a job that has him around women dressed to kill, not cleaning up after kids, doing laundry and in general doing the mommy thing? I'm not ashamed to say that I have let myself go over the last couple of years, no make up, usually wore my hair short, because it's easier, but he likes it long, so I'm not cutting it this time..and I'm fixing myself up every day...even if I do only see him an hour in the morning...and not at all when he gets home. And I did complain constantly about being home and all of that, but I'm going to watch that from now on.. So, I wonder if this is basically the stress of a new job? I know we need to work on things and I need to make some changes, but we have been trying to figure out why this last month has been so stressful... we think it's the job change. Any input out there? Well, sorry to go on and on..

[Tracey]

Thank you very much Nic. You have been a great deal of help. =o)

 

We both know that it isn't all the others fault, so I think we will be okay, as long as we learn to comunicate more and respect each other more. I know right now I feel extremely desperate, because it's only been 3 days since all of this came to a head. I will definitely work on myself...I don't like being unhappy, but I've been so down about myself and life in general that I didn't feel like I could do anything to make myself happy. I was depending on my husband to do that, and I know you can't depend on other people to make you happy. If I look at things objectively, like my husband keeps telling me to, then I know that we'll be fine..although it will take work and communication, it will be worth it. I can learn to give myself permission to be happy and that will make our family much happier. I used to be the most positive person in the world, and somehow I've lost that. I am determined to find that again.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for listening. =o) It helped a lot!

[Nic]

sometimes things feel like they have all piled on top of you at once, and can make even the most positive of people feel like they are in a rut.

 

it's so good neither of you are blaming each other, and you're so right - communication and respect are vital. you will probably have high and low moments dealing with this, but you seem to have all the necessary ingredients to pull through as best you can.

 

you really deserve to be so happy, and that does come from within. it's so great you're determined to do this. things can only get better now from on and you all deserve that.

 

good luck tracey

Thank you very much Nic. You have been a great deal of help. =o) We both know that it isn't all the others fault, so I think we will be okay, as long as we learn to comunicate more and respect each other more. I know right now I feel extremely desperate, because it's only been 3 days since all of this came to a head. I will definitely work on myself...I don't like being unhappy, but I've been so down about myself and life in general that I didn't feel like I could do anything to make myself happy. I was depending on my husband to do that, and I know you can't depend on other people to make you happy. If I look at things objectively, like my husband keeps telling me to, then I know that we'll be fine..although it will take work and communication, it will be worth it. I can learn to give myself permission to be happy and that will make our family much happier. I used to be the most positive person in the world, and somehow I've lost that. I am determined to find that again.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for listening. =o) It helped a lot!