APs who *didn't* have a D Day...

[SweetBella1]

 

Me, on the other hand, has the addictive personality who falls hard and has difficulty moving on.

 

So, when I broke up with him, guess who broke my self imposed NC? He, on the other hand, has always been strong.

 

I understand! I'm just now (having had my first affair) realizing how addicted I can become. I tried to put up safeguards against becoming emotionally attached but xMM pulled them down. And I became addicted. Can't wait until he's completely out of my system!! 3 weeks of NC.

[SweetBella1]

I cannot understand why you became addicted to a man that is not relationship material.

 

The fact that he's not relationship material didn't matter because I didn't want a relationship! I just wanted FWBs...a casual friendship. I needed a supplement, outlet, not another marriage! But I loved the physical aspect we shared, and in order to keep that going, he said I needed to be his girlfriend. I hesitated b/c I didn't want to put myself in a position of emotional vulnerability but to keep the sex train moving, I went along with it. The intensity shifted into high gear. And as I knew I would (sigh) I developed an attachment to him. $#@%!

 

One of the wall question:

 

You say you have good sex with your H?

 

It's okay sex & if I coach him, it can be good. xMM just knew exactly what to do, I didn't have to coach or train. We both like the same things. H is passive, he isn't passionate/dominant/aggressive by nature - xMM IS - and that's what really lights my fire.

 

Have you ever turned down your H for sex?

 

No. 98% of the time I must outright ask H if we can have sex. Like his personality, his sex drive is very laid back. Mine is not, I like passion a lot.

 

I will post more after your answer.

 

Thank you.

 

BTW I responded to your post several up in this thread, about your thoughts on xMM resurfacing. I'd like to read what you think. Thanks for helping me see different angles. You're a God-send. I'm sure you're getting some good karma from helping out so many heartsick strangers.

[SweetBella1]

My first wife was very good in the sac and never said no. In retrospect being good in the sac was her way to validate herself. She was very proud of her bedroom activities and always wanted to be the one providing pleasure. That is a very positive benefit of women that want validation.:laugh: I somehow suspected you would be similar:cool:.

 

Yep, it's one of my very favorite past times!!

 

It is not easy to find a wife like that.

 

H realizes this and mentions how lucky he is. Still doesn't make him as passionate as me, or need sex as much as I do.

 

As for your OM. Do you realize he could very well be a cow in bed with his wife? Being good with an OW is easy work. Being good with the wife separates the men from the boys.

 

I'd never really thought about that. He's so good, I just figured he's good all around.

 

Women that have affairs looking for more sex are not common. Most women want romance. What gives? Was this really all about sex?

 

This was 100% just about sex. I realize this plops me squarely in the Super Slut category, but I really just wanted to get it on, in a big way. I'm feminine in looks and demeanor but different from most women. I'm wired more like a guy in terms of passion. But like most females, I can't compartmentalize well so emotional attachments can happen easily, if I'm not careful.

 

Here's what I honestly wanted when I sought out an A: a friend to keep in touch with casually, (an email or text here and there between our meetings, "Hi, thinking of you!") and of course meet up a couple of times a month for fun. Naturally I'd want the two of us to have a mutual liking, but I didn't want to fall into an emotionally vulnerable state. This thing was supposed to supplement, not add stress and attachment. (This was my first affair so maybe I was naïve in my expectations.)

 

The A that I ended up in, well, it got much more emotionally intense than I'd ever wanted. I can blame xMM all day for pushing the issue and the intensity, but I was guilty of going along with it. I just wanted to keep that incredible sex around!!

 

Expounding on that, if somehow xMM could magically overnight change himself, and become less of an asshat, and he came back and said, "Let's just have fun, no expectations. We'll meet up here and there but neither of us plans to leave our marriages so let's just ENJOY each other and be friends." If he was serious, it would be ON. But I know he can't do that. He has to OWN me.

 

Basically, trying to squeeze my expectations and needs for the relationship (casual, fun, light) into his necessary format (serious, intense) was trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. That was our demise. We wanted two different things. Just didn't work.

[HonestNeurotic]

This was 100% just about sex. I realize this plops me squarely in the Super Slut category, but I really just wanted to get it on, in a big way. I'm feminine in looks and demeanor but different from most women. I'm wired more like a guy in terms of passion. But like most females, I can't compartmentalize well so emotional attachments can happen easily, if I'm not careful.

 

Here's what I honestly wanted when I sought out an A: a friend to keep in touch with casually, (an email or text here and there between our meetings, "Hi, thinking of you!") and of course meet up a couple of times a month for fun. Naturally I'd want the two of us to have a mutual liking, but I didn't want to fall into an emotionally vulnerable state. This thing was supposed to supplement, not add stress and attachment. (This was my first affair so maybe I was naïve in my expectations.)

 

The A that I ended up in, well, it got much more emotionally intense than I'd ever wanted. I can blame xMM all day for pushing the issue and the intensity, but I was guilty of going along with it. I just wanted to keep that incredible sex around!!

 

Expounding on that, if somehow xMM could magically overnight change himself, and become less of an asshat, and he came back and said, "Let's just have fun, no expectations. We'll meet up here and there but neither of us plans to leave our marriages so let's just ENJOY each other and be friends." If he was serious, it would be ON. But I know he can't do that. He has to OWN me.

 

Basically, trying to squeeze my expectations and needs for the relationship (casual, fun, light) into his necessary format (serious, intense) was trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. That was our demise. We wanted two different things. Just didn't work.

 

This is sorta/kinda my story.

[SweetBella1]

 

He has to have complete control.

 

Yep

 

He is also a bit like you and likes to put on a show.

 

Put on a show? You mean, enjoying sex? That's not putting on anything, that just comes naturally. For me, anyway.

 

How come you are not that offended with your H's ONS?

 

Because he's human. I was upset at first, mainly because he went about it so publicly. (He was drunk.) I forgave him. It was an indiscretion and he felt awful. We've suffered through some very unfortunate and tragic events over the past 12 years. Sure, that can bond a couple but it can also put major stress on a couple too. We've struggled. I don't entertain any illusions that we are perfect. I know that he loves me and I love him too. A ONS doesn't change that.

 

So can you please respond to my post way up there, about xMM resurfacing? Pretty please...

[SweetBella1]

OM will resurface, but in the end this will be more pain than fun for you. I also suspect you only knew him a very short time and he tried to show you his best side. These fellows have a very dark side and it would be fascinating to get the real story from his wife.

 

Yes, you're right, he does have a very dark side (VERY dark) and he shared some of it with me. Then there were things he said he could never tell anyone (incl his W and fam) because they would automatically hate him. (!!) What the hell.

 

Even learning all of this - which would make any other woman run screaming for the hills - I was still like, "Meh. Whatevs. I still want the sex." I'm just really happy he didn't kill me, for my children's sake if not my own. I only say this half jokingly since he spent 3.5 years incarcerated for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon in his mid 20's. (Granted, he has turned his life around over the last 8 years, a solid job, no more trouble, etc, but he still has those same basic characteristics.)

 

I'm a down-to-earth, highly educated, professional woman, respected in our community. I have always been lauded for my common sense. The fact that I chose to overlook the 25 ACRES of red flags surrounding this guy...truly fascinating. At times I thought I might be having some kind of breakdown or identity crisis. Just couldn't believe how much I was willing to risk.

 

I really believe you are better off without this man. BTW he thinks about you all the time, but there is the possibility he found a submissive OW.

 

His wife is submissive; he married her when she was only 20 and he programmed her. He already has that. I personally don't think that's what he's looking for. He's looking for a sexy, lusty handful who he can eventually dominate/control into becoming outwardly chaste & submissive to him. He got pretty far with me, but in the end he found out I was still doing whatever I wanted. By 3 months in, he probably felt his tactics should've been working. Whoops. Guess not.

 

I suggest you learn fantasy sex with your H. Use the brain (the largest sex organ) and come up with a plan for your H. Use your imagination. Don't look for more trouble.

 

H and I have been trying some new things. It's nice but it's not going to ever reach the passion level of the A. But that's okay. Part of the excitement of the A was the secrecy and the (real) danger. Neither of those elements exist in my M. The A was an illusion, a fantasy and that's all it was. A marriage is real and it takes work, and it's not all about sex.

[SweetBella1]

This OM of yours wanted you to be narcissistic supply. Narcissists need women they can abuse and put down. You are better off without this poor excuse of a man.

 

Agreed. xMM had not yet reached the "abuse and put down" stage of our A - he treated me like I was valuable to him - but it was probably coming.

 

Most secure women with good self esteem would be nauseated with your OM and somehow he was like "manna from heaven" for you.

 

While I do agree, xOM has no trouble finding APs so obviously not every woman is nauseated by him. He is good looking and big/strong. Maybe a lot of us are vulnerable/damaged and he has no problem finding his supply.

 

I agree with all of your assessments of me, and my intelligence/common sense being overridden. I don't understand how so many years of IC hasn't helped more with this. I think it's just an intrinsic part of my personality, as you pointed out yesterday.

 

Get all the sex you want without having to sneak around. Tell your H what you want and he will probably give you his blessing.

 

I did broach the issue of an open marriage to H a few weeks into my A. H seemed okay with it but he wasn't doing cartwheels, either. The way it was left: as long as it's discreet and clean, either of us can go for it. Neither of us wants to hear the details though, or know anything about the other's experience. That's why I think he turned a blind eye when I was having the A. So this, I've already covered with H.

 

Now, with how this A turned out, I'm not so sure any of it is a good idea.

[Charlie Harper]

I could write 10 pages on how my A went from a very distant friendship, to a very understanding relationship that grew and grew, and one day became a full blown A. It was incredibly emotional, romantic and with eyes wide open. I am 100% sure that if I write all down I would become a romantic bestseller. Yes it was that perfect. Both were not looking for an A, I was just that we complement each other so perfectly that it made me a better person and She also became a better person. We both made a lot of stuff and helped each other in a lot of ways, she solved a lot of troubles due to my help and I did too, So it was not an A based on sex or on being dreaming, we knew that we were married with problems, but we never talked about our BS, we had no secrets at all, and of course we knew that the moment we could not control the A it would end. It lasted 3 years, we had periods of months of NC, due to travel or simply to be sure there would not be a D day. 6 months ago she told me she wanted to give her family and H a 100% and with me it was not going to be possible, so I thanked her for all she did in my life, thanked her for making me a better person and told her that IF she needed me I would be there, I would not call her or do stupid things, I wished her to fix all she wanted to fix in her family and we said goodbye. That was 4 months ago.

 

1) I am happy it happened, because It put a lot of stuff I needed in my life.

2) I am happy we were honest to each other till the end

3) I miss her because I want to know how is she doing, not because i feel bad.

4) I wish her all the luck, because she is great.

5) It was perfect we ended it like this, because we agreed on it from the start and never wanted to hurt each other or our BS.

6) Most of what happened was not planed or made because we were angry or mad at our Home-family.

 

I entered counseling to figure out what made vulnerable to this A, I have discovered a ton of stuff, the most important is that my W doesnt allow me to be generous and unpredictable, she wants a very controlled guy with a meager social life and I am quite the opposite of that, in fact my counselor is amazed at how long I endured that situation.

 

I am not suffering, not hurt because my A was not based on insecurities, or holes that needed to be filled, but by 2 persons that needed badly give their best emotional qualities and could not do that at home.

 

In the end I would do it a thousand times, because I has changed my perspective on a lot of stuff.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[SweetBella1]

I could write 10 pages on how my A went from a very distant friendship, to a very understanding relationship that grew and grew, and one day became a full blown A. It was incredibly emotional, romantic and with eyes wide open. I am 100% sure that if I write all down I would become a romantic bestseller. Yes it was that perfect. Both were not looking for an A, I was just that we complement each other so perfectly that it made me a better person and She also became a better person. We both made a lot of stuff and helped each other in a lot of ways, she solved a lot of troubles due to my help and I did too, So it was not an A based on sex or on being dreaming, we knew that we were married with problems, but we never talked about our BS, we had no secrets at all, and of course we knew that the moment we could not control the A it would end. It lasted 3 years, we had periods of months of NC, due to travel or simply to be sure there would not be a D day. 6 months ago she told me she wanted to give her family and H a 100% and with me it was not going to be possible, so I thanked her for all she did in my life, thanked her for making me a better person and told her that IF she needed me I would be there, I would not call her or do stupid things, I wished her to fix all she wanted to fix in her family and we said goodbye. That was 4 months ago.

 

1) I am happy it happened, because It put a lot of stuff I needed in my life.

2) I am happy we were honest to each other till the end

3) I miss her because I want to know how is she doing, not because i feel bad.

4) I wish her all the luck, because she is great.

5) It was perfect we ended it like this, because we agreed on it from the start and never wanted to hurt each other or our BS.

6) Most of what happened was not planed or made because we were angry or mad at our Home-family.

 

I entered counseling to figure out what made vulnerable to this A, I have discovered a ton of stuff, the most important is that my W doesnt allow me to be generous and unpredictable, she wants a very controlled guy with a meager social life and I am quite the opposite of that, in fact my counselor is amazed at how long I endured that situation.

 

I am not suffering, not hurt because my A was not based on insecurities, or holes that needed to be filled, but by 2 persons that needed badly give their best emotional qualities and could not do that at home.

 

In the end I would do it a thousand times, because I has changed my perspective on a lot of stuff.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

Charlie, that's beautiful! I wish my A had been more like yours!!

[Praying4Peace]

I am not suffering, not hurt because my A was not based on insecurities, or holes that needed to be filled, but by 2 persons that needed badly give their best emotional qualities and could not do that at home.

 

 

I've read a lot and this is by far the most accurate statement of how I feel about my A. Thank you so much for putting it into words.

[Charlie Harper]

You are welcome!, I think a lot of people suffer from marriage, because they want to, and also suffer also when they are into an A, the problem is not the relationship, the problem is within you, your needs and illusions are not met and you try to fulfil them with someone who you think will fix your shortcomings.

 

We both felt bad on how we were having a relationship, and we poured our hearts and minds to work HOME, and make our marriages great again, I dont know if we will. I wish her from the bottom of my heart to be happy, to be as much as she can be and to grow, I don't felt great because I cheated, I feel great because this A changed me and made me very sensitive and caring as I was years ago. We were so concerned about the people around us that, we had plans and backup plans in case there was a D day. It never happened. But these memories and the situations and success we had together will never be erased from my memory, because quite frankly, some are simple unbelievable, and are too beautiful to be forgotten. Maybe I dont miss her so much because she lives in my Heart.

[movingon45]

This was 100% just about sex. I realize this plops me squarely in the Super Slut category, but I really just wanted to get it on, in a big way. I'm feminine in looks and demeanor but different from most women. I'm wired more like a guy in terms of passion. But like most females, I can't compartmentalize well so emotional attachments can happen easily, if I'm not careful.

 

Here's what I honestly wanted when I sought out an A: a friend to keep in touch with casually, (an email or text here and there between our meetings, "Hi, thinking of you!") and of course meet up a couple of times a month for fun. Naturally I'd want the two of us to have a mutual liking, but I didn't want to fall into an emotionally vulnerable state. This thing was supposed to supplement, not add stress and attachment. (This was my first affair so maybe I was naïve in my expectations.)

 

The A that I ended up in, well, it got much more emotionally intense than I'd ever wanted. I can blame xMM all day for pushing the issue and the intensity, but I was guilty of going along with it. I just wanted to keep that incredible sex around!!

 

Expounding on that, if somehow xMM could magically overnight change himself, and become less of an asshat, and he came back and said, "Let's just have fun, no expectations. We'll meet up here and there but neither of us plans to leave our marriages so let's just ENJOY each other and be friends." If he was serious, it would be ON. But I know he can't do that. He has to OWN me.

 

Basically, trying to squeeze my expectations and needs for the relationship (casual, fun, light) into his necessary format (serious, intense) was trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. That was our demise. We wanted two different things. Just didn't work.

 

 

Oh SweetBella1 I like exactly what you want. My H is impotent; my exMM is the sex guru. It could have worked, but yeah, I can't compartmentalize as well!!!

[movingon45]

You are welcome!, I think a lot of people suffer from marriage, because they want to, and also suffer also when they are into an A, the problem is not the relationship, the problem is within you, your needs and illusions are not met and you try to fulfil them with someone who you think will fix your shortcomings.

 

We both felt bad on how we were having a relationship, and we poured our hearts and minds to work HOME, and make our marriages great again, I dont know if we will. I wish her from the bottom of my heart to be happy, to be as much as she can be and to grow, I don't felt great because I cheated, I feel great because this A changed me and made me very sensitive and caring as I was years ago. We were so concerned about the people around us that, we had plans and backup plans in case there was a D day. It never happened. But these memories and the situations and success we had together will never be erased from my memory, because quite frankly, some are simple unbelievable, and are too beautiful to be forgotten. Maybe I dont miss her so much because she lives in my Heart.

 

Oh how I love your story. Thanks for sharing.