Dating 5 1/2 years... and, yep you guessed it, no ring.

[murkier]

I have been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years with my current SO. We are young, I'm 23 and he is 27.

 

We met when I was 17, and started dating soon after I turned 18 in college, and after that he were inseparable. I entered the relationship keeping an open mind. I would tell myself "I'm young, this probably won't work out, but I'll just have fun and see where this goes". Three months in I moved in with him, things got serious, then years went by. There would be months were (since we shared many of the same classes) we'd be with each other pretty much all hours of the day. We were best friends, partners, and lovers. As time went by I'd be like :

"Relationships can't be this good"

"Dammit, I'm too young to find someone who I work this well with",

"HOW did time pass that quickly without even a hiccup!"

 

Well, that jinxed it! As we were coming up upon 4 1/2 years, I started to feel like I really hadn't given myself the time to figure out who I was. During this period I decided to revisit my faith, which I had put on the back burner for years. This caused some conflict, and we eventually decided that I should live on my own for a while in order to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I know it's a lifelong process, but I am now feeling pretty comfortable with who I am. I explored my faith and find myself somewhere between the faith of my childhood and my agnosticism, which is comfortable for me and not in the crazy evangelical spectrum. I'm following my passions and loving my life.

 

So.

 

My boyfriend has been supporting me in this process the entire time. We have had some difficulties from how I changed, but I fel things are starting to settle. Our relationship is becoming much more vibrant again, and the storm seems to have passed.

 

 

 

 

Now, as we approach 6 years, I'm starting to wonder if he will ever pop the question.

 

I've expressed that marriage is something important to me, because it's a public ceremony that shows our partnership to our family and friends (which will be needed for our extended family to see us as a "real" couple). I don't view marriage as a piece of paper or some sort of pageant . I don't want a big ceremony, just our closest family and friends. As a child, I never dreamed of having a wedding, I only want it now because I think I stumbled on the right person (just early in my life) I have offered to, instead of getting a diamond ring, opt for a simple band and use the money for a pre-nup. I think it's important that we are equals within the relationship, and don't want to put myself in a situation where I could screw him over if we separate.

 

Overall...he doesn't know what he wants. He hadn't considered marriage to be on the table until I had my change of faith and moved out, and now we are sort of in a limbo...trying to figure out if we should come back together or fade apart.

He says that what helps him the most is us talking about how our lives are doing. keeping him in the loop on where I am in my self-discovery is helpful to this decision, but I don't now how long I should wait until saying "we have something great, but I have to find someone who will be comfortable publicly commiting after 6 years"

 

Right now I'm just sort of in a holding pattern. I'm not interested in ultimatums, because I don't think that they would be fair to him. Please understand that this is extremely complicated and multi-faceted, I'm open to any questions about the living situations, etc.

 

Any opinions or help? I know this topic seems to be overdone, but I really can't seem to figure out what I should do.

[will1988]

IMO, I think your boy friend kind of got freaked out after you moved out and are now a different person than the one he has been dating for so long. Some people like change, others don't. People generally do not like too much change that late in to a relationship. He may not outwordly show that he has a problem with your new way of life, but deep down he is probably questioning your whole relationship and where to go from there. It is as if you all took a step or two backwards in your relationship once you moved out. It might not seem that way to you, but that is probably what he is thinking. Personally, I'd be thinking the same thing. My gf and I practically lived together after only dating a few months, when I was in college. Then I had to move home. She was from that town eight hours away, and worked a different schedule than me, I worked a 9 to 5 mon through friday, she worked in a service job and had to work most weekends. So I only got to see her once every 3 or 4 months when a holiday feel on a monday or friday and she took the weekend off. After two years of that, we argued a lot and it came to the point where either she moved up with me (I live in a big city with a lot of job opertunities, and she is from a economically depressed small town) or we broke up. She decided to move up, and we've lived together for the past year. I actually just bought her a ring on saturday, but am waiting for it to be re-sized, and then I will propose. Sorry for going on about my story. What I am trying to say is when you drastically make a change in the relationship that makes it look like you are taking a step back, sometimes, one of the persons involved will start to question things. In your BF's case it may be "Why get her ring? She moved out, and is finding her self!". If you want him to get a ring be a bigger part in his life like you once wore and think about moving in with him again... if not, then to be honest, you may never get that ring, since for all intents and purposes, you've taken a step backward, not forward.

 

good luck!

[Janesays]

Normally, I'd say if a guy hasn't proposed after 5 years, move on because it's NEVER going to happen.

 

HOWEVER, you are only 23 with limited relationship experience. If I were your boyfriend, I probably wouldn't propose to you either. I know you love him and you feel like you are ready and maybe you are. But with the divorce rates skyrocketing, I think it's smart of him to let you grow up some, 'find yourself' as an adult woman, live life some more, etc, before proposing. Marriage is forever. There should be NO RUSH for someone your age.

 

Instead of worrying about throwing a big wedding, why don't you two go see some of the world together? You're young, childless and NOW is the time to do it. Like I said, you have the rest of your life to settle down. Right now, use your money to see the pyramids, swim with some dolphins, hike to the top of a volcano. Those memories right now that you two create together should be a bigger priority than a wedding.

[will1988]

Normally, I'd say if a guy hasn't proposed after 5 years, move on because it's NEVER going to happen.

 

HOWEVER, you are only 23 with limited relationship experience. If I were your boyfriend, I probably wouldn't propose to you either. I know you love him and you feel like you are ready and maybe you are. But with the divorce rates skyrocketing, I think it's smart of him to let you grow up some, 'find yourself' as an adult woman, live life some more, etc, before proposing. Marriage is forever. There should be NO RUSH for someone your age.

 

Instead of worrying about throwing a big wedding, why don't you two go see some of the world together? You're young, childless and NOW is the time to do it. Like I said, you have the rest of your life to settle down. Right now, use your money to see the pyramids, swim with some dolphins, hike to the top of a volcano. Those memories right now that you two create together should be a bigger priority than a wedding.

 

I agree with what you are saying, especially the first and last paragraphs. However, from a guys perspective, who has been in a somewhat similar situation, her bf is probably questioning the relationship right now, because they took a step backwords.

[Radu]

If i were in your bf's shoes OP, i would also be questioning the relationship.

 

I would probably be in a holding pattern to see where it was headed.

 

And also, i would suspect GIGS.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years with my current SO. We are young, I'm 23 and he is 27.

Given your age and history, the 5 1/2 years together isn't a significant number. You're just launching into career and adulthood and, as Janesays aptly notes, this part of your life when you're young and without the responsibilities of marriage/family only comes around once. Lower your relationship expectations and pressure and enjoy your youth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MissBee]

Given your age and history, the 5 1/2 years together isn't a significant number. You're just launching into career and adulthood and, as Janesays aptly notes, this part of your life when you're young and without the responsibilities of marriage/family only comes around once. Lower your relationship expectations and pressure and enjoy your youth...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree.

 

5 1/2 years, starting in your teens, isn't the same as a 35 year old being in a 5 1/2 year relationship. By time you're 30 you've been an adult for a while and probably have more of a good sense of things to head into marriage...at 23, that's like fresh out of college, it's not necessarily so. I am not saying 23 year olds can't marry, but I see no rush. I'm not that much older than you, and even for me, while I want to marry and have kids, I still feel like I'm pretty young and there is no need for me to be worried about that while I'm also learning about myself as an adult. Marriage is forever, you're 23....it won't kill you to wait a bit more.

 

I also read a study, have to look for it, which said couples who marry before the age of 25 had higher divorce rates than those who married later in life. I can see it being true (and of course there will be exceptions), as your brain doesn't even fully develop until 25 and your twenties are still such a huge time of learning, growth and change, that it is highly likely that the 23 year old you who wanted to marry may feel very different at 30. Yes we never stop growing and changing but I do think as you age it's a steadier growth and while you're in your early twenties, it's less predictable. Point is, you can wait and feel things out more and get more experiences before signing up for forever.

[angel.eyes]

I have friends with successful, long-lasting marriages (7-10+ years and counting) that started with high school or college boyfriends. I've also seen 30- and 40-year olds marry for the first time and not even make it to the six-month or year mark before filing for divorce. Age isn't a determinant in who is successful. Shared values, goals, etc. are more important, I think.

 

We are ready to marry when we are ready, not on some artificial, arbitrary timetable.

 

Have the two of you ever discussed where you see your lives in the future? Your goals? Your dreams? Your hopes? The possibility of a future together? Financial philosophy and goals? Kids, if any, and child-raising preferences? Have you ever intimated in any way that you see him as more than just a boyfriend. Being together for a set number of years doesn't mean you should necessarily consider marriage.

 

There's a lot that typically goes on in conversation before you get to an actual proposal. What conversation, if any, have you had so far?

[pteromom]

I have friends with successful, long-lasting marriages (7-10+ years and counting) that started with high school or college boyfriends. I've also seen 30- and 40-year olds marry for the first time and not even make it to the six-month or year mark before filing for divorce. Age isn't a determinant in who is successful. Shared values, goals, etc. are more important, I think.

 

I agree with you completely... but a lot of people don't TRULY know what their values and goals are in their early 20s.

 

I think couples that young are more likely to grow in different directions.

 

OP - I would not be in a hurry to get married. You are only 23 and there is a lot of self-discovery left to do first.

[MissBee]

I agree with you completely... but a lot of people don't TRULY know what their values and goals are in their early 20s.

 

I think couples that young are more likely to grow in different directions.

 

OP - I would not be in a hurry to get married. You are only 23 and there is a lot of self-discovery left to do first.

 

Ditto.

 

Some of the people I dated when I was 19, I thought we had shared values...now I'm like whaat? I had some values yes but I'm so different now than then that I cannot imagine if I'd chosen to marry then it would have been a good choice.

 

Of course there is no magic formula and magic age which will be the right choice for all, but I think getting to a stable place where you know yourself helps a lot towards promising forever and often most people don't get to that state in their teens or early adulthood.

Edited May 2, 2013 by MissBee

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Tell him if he liked it then he better put a ring on it

[MissMoonlight]

You're still too young.

 

Wait at least 2 more years.

[eleve82]

Nobody can really tell you what the right thing to do is, or what the magic number of years you should 'wait" for is. I waited 2.5 years before I asked my ex what we would do if I had to leave the country (we were both working in a foreign country, my job was unstable), and all he said to me was "I don't know". He didn't even know if he wanted to try.

 

This, coming from a guy who once said he would marry me one day, he had changed his mind after moving in with me.

 

In the meantime, despite fretting over this warning signal, I kept trying to justify his words "he's still young", "he hasn't yet figured out where he wants to be", "he's a slow mover", etc etc. 2.5 years later, the story didn't change, I knew I was done.

 

30 years old, and nothing but a bunch of "I don't knows" as a sign of commitment after 5 full years of "dating", living together. I was heartbroken, embarrassed and angry with myself.

 

He is 32 years old now, the story hasn't changed. I met him when I was 25. Believe me when I say this, if a man doesn't grow up in his mid-twenties, you could spend a decade waiting for him to do so. Only you will know if the warning signs are there.

 

I'm done making excuses for my ex, feeling miserable with his lack of commitment, maturity, dealing with his excuses and insensitivity. No more "I dont know"s, "I wasn't thinking"s, "I'm not sure"s. I applied to further my studies in the US where I really wanted to be, I left him and the country behind. I knew it was the only way to leave him for good, because I couldn't say no to him in person.

 

I just want to be happy and live my live for myself now. Looking back, I wish I had had the courage to stand my ground and commit to my OWN happiness, earlier and with finality. You'll know you've had enough when you start planning your life without him in it.

 

When someone doesn't want to commit to a certain outcome over extended periods of time, make a stand for yourself - because if he won't, only you can fight for your own future - one where you have a real chance of being happy with someone. If you are already counting the years, (as I was), you will only resent him more as the years pass by, it will be harder to swallow.

 

I hope you will find this answer within yourself. Despite what people say, age is not an excuse for being indecisive. It is not an excuse to be reckless with someone's feelings. He is not 18 years old or 20 years old anymore. If he doesn't realise what he wants by his late 20s, there's a good chance that (barring some extreme emotional wakeup call), he wont know in his early 30s as well. Look closely at his friends and the stage of life he is at, this can give you some good clues as well.

 

I wish you luck & love.

[Nyla]

Since men do not mature as fast as women, I don't agree that an immature man at 25 will be immature forever.

 

My husband was 36 when he married me. Neither of us thought that we would get married, but it happened.

 

OP, you are quite young. Don't get too caught up in needing to be married; it isn't all romance and flowers.

[SuperGeek]

Nyla,

 

Your story gives me hope as I'm 33 and still single (no kids). If you are at liberty to say, how many years apart are you two?

 

My husband was 36 when he married me. Neither of us thought that we would get married, but it happened.

 

 

To the OP, I agree with what others have said. You are only 23 years old and have plenty of time. Go travel and have some fun. Getting married is pretty easy, but ending a marriage is one of the hardest most painful situations you can experience in life -- it's not something to be rushed.