How to, or if to, move from friends to a date

[Babolat]

I am 5+ weeks out of a 12 month relationship, which I ended. Right before I ended the relationship I saw a girl I knew, thru mutual friends, out 2 times, 2 weeks in a row. I have known her for a couple of years, an acquantance at best, we would see each other at various events, Hi, how are you, that's about it.

 

She announced she was taking a long break from dating the 2nd time I saw her out, so she felt safe to me. We met to do some outdoorsy things we share in common (she invited me). We ended up having some long talks, talks that helped me end my relationship (plus lots of feedback here from my posts) as she had recently been thru a similar relationship that she ended.

 

We have continued hanging out on the weekends doing outdoorsy stuff. We have done a couple of dinners together with common couple friends. We recently went to a social with a large group and then to dinner alone and this weekend she came over to my house for a few hours to hang out, go shopping, etc.

 

I always found her attractive (she is a very sexy attractive woman), but was not attracted to her, if that makes sense. The past 2-3 times we have hung out though, I am looking at her differently. I am becoming very attracted to her physically and as a person.

 

She has said enough to me that I know she finds me physcially attractive and that she likes me. I don't know if it's a "more than friends" like as she does have male friends she talks about. She also has said, though not since I saw her 4+ weeks ago, that she does not want to date for a while.

 

Yesterday I literally wanted to grab her, hug her and kiss her, when she showed up at my house (coming to my house to meet was her suggestion by the way, not mine),which felt strange to me as I am not an overly affectionate person. I think my last relationship has helped me with that. She looked amazing! And Saturday night we ended up talking in a parking lot for a long time after dinner with mutual friends (she invited me to dinner), and it was very nice, I felt close to her.

 

I also told her I was not ready to date after I broke up with my prior girlfriend. That was about a week after we started hanging out.

 

She's big into music and always invites me to future events saying "you should go".

 

I am enjoying her friendship and companionship. I am feeling more though and I am wondering if I should talk to her about it or just let things go and see what happens. I am not in a hurry to get into another relationship. I am kind of taking a break myself and how I am feeling has surprised me.

 

I think I should just continue to enjoy the friendship, continue to hang out with others girls, which I am doing, and see what happens...though I am looking at her and wondering "what if". The physical attraction caught me off guard. I really like her as a person, we have a lot in common, she is fun, makes me laugh, we have a simialr past, etc. Though now I am "checking her out" when we get together and thinking, yeah, sexually about her.

[Babolat]

Hi kimberlydoll, in my past 12 month relationship I was emotionally detaching 4-5 months before I ended it, which I think is why it was easier to end.

 

Yes, I have been working on myself, I always am. I am seeing a psychologist, I read self help books, I talk to my friends, I am spending time alone (hard to do).

 

Regarding sex, once "word got out" about my break up, a girl I dated prior to the 12 month relationship reached out to me. We went out, in groups, a couple of times and we then started having sex again (not bragging but she persued this). After 2-3 times I told her I could not do this, I could not date her, I could not lead her on. SHE continued to persue me, inviting herself over. This lasted for 2-3 weeks and I have recently told her I can't anymore as I know she is huring as she wants a relationship.

 

I am not bragging but I have opportunties to have sex with other woman. I go out with my friends, meet woman, and I quickly tell them I am not looking to date right now. So I guess my point is I am not just looking at this girl for sex; I really enjoy her companionship and hanging out with her. I am also spending time with other woman, hanging out socially, nothing intimate or romantic. My goal/plan was to work on being friends with woman..this one just kind of caught me by surprise!

 

I don't feel like I am persuing her. It's mutual. She invites me to go out as much as I do her. I am having fun with her.

 

So, should I stop hanging out with her because I am having other feelings towards her? Should I share these feelings with her?

Edited April 29, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Since this post she has invited me to meet her out with her friends Friday night and she has asked me about getting together this weekend.

 

Do I say no? I enjoy her company and we have fun together, just so happens I am also attracted to her.

[imtooconfused]

Babolat, what I hear from this thread is an organically growing mutual attraction. So since you didn't really explain... Why are you afraid of getting into a new relationship? Is it the fear of being locked into a LTR with one person? Is it the fear of knowing that relationships have problems, which sometimes cause them to fall apart, and all the trauma that comes from that? Something else? Dig into your own fears and you might find the answer to your questions.

 

My feeling is that you should pursue this relationship in a growing, but controlled way. Be especially open with her about what your expectations are for the relationship, especially your fears about jumping too fast into a new relationship. If she understands and accepts your feelings and still wishes to pursue you, you should have no fear in letting that happen.

[Babolat]

Hi imtooconfused, great feedback.

 

I do not know if it's a mutual attraction on her end, she does have other male friends she talks about, I could be in that category for her. I could be misreading some of the things she has said like "Did you get a hircut? it looks good" and "You are a wonderful, good looking guy" and "We should do <insert event> together". Another example is this past weekend I had plans with friends, she texted me about joining her to go out with her friends, I told her if my other plans fell thru, I will, they did, I replied stating so, seconds later she say "please come out". I did, we sat next to each other at dinner, we ended up talking for over an hour in the parking lot and saw each other the next day for a few hours. This has happened a couple of times. No romance though, no hugging or "petting".

 

She has texted me photos of her dog being cute, little stuff like that. Again, this could just be what single woman do with their guy friends. This "friends" thing is new to me.

 

My fear is I make a move on her and she says "No" and I ruin the friendship. I am really enjoying the friendship. My other fear is my past relationship, which I do feel I am over, where it did not work out for me, I ignored a lot of red flags and tried to change myself to make it work. I have grown from that, I feel like I am healthier and strnger now.

 

This does feel a little different as we have spent 5+ weeks hanging out as friends, I have gotten to know her better outside of a relationship, which is new to me. I like it. I have become sexually/physically attracted to her though, where when I am with her I am thinking about it.

 

I get your last paragraph. Though we have both established we are not dating othewrs right now, that we are taking a break, so to come back with a "relationship" talk feels odd to me. The attraction kind of snuck up on me.

[hppr]

Go out, have fun see what happens. Just keep in mind that a month out of a crap relationship you are probably looking for someone to cheer you up and not necessarily the love of your life. edit; I know where you are coming from I ended up making a huge mistake with something like that. There was this next-door neighbor lady who saw all the drama I had with a girlfriend about 5 years ago and she always came over afterward to make me feel better. Ended up putting the moves on her just like you said, had this urge to hug her when she showed up at my house and ended up banging her. Felt horrible about it. Don't let your feelings make you do something stupid, use your big brain not the little one.

Edited May 2, 2013 by hppr

[imtooconfused]

I guess like kimberlydoll and hppr have said, don't use her friendship as a means to just get sex. From what you said though, it doesn't sound like that's where this is going. You're more interested in her on well rounded relationship basis and that sounds like it's possible.

 

The only further advice is about your fear of losing her as a friend if you express a romantic interest... My personal experience is that if a woman is looking just for a friend she has clear boundaries and she knows how to keep her guy friends within those boundaries. This means that, within reason, if you try to go too far, she will let you know but will still value the friendship. The "within reason" warning means that your advances should be flirty and casual, not aggressive or full of pressure.

 

Best of luck Friday night.

[Babolat]

I guess like kimberlydoll and hppr have said, don't use her friendship as a means to just get sex. From what you said though, it doesn't sound like that's where this is going. You're more interested in her on well rounded relationship basis and that sounds like it's possible.

 

The only further advice is about your fear of losing her as a friend if you express a romantic interest... My personal experience is that if a woman is looking just for a friend she has clear boundaries and she knows how to keep her guy friends within those boundaries. This means that, within reason, if you try to go too far, she will let you know but will still value the friendship. The "within reason" warning means that your advances should be flirty and casual, not aggressive or full of pressure.

 

Best of luck Friday night.

 

Yeah, I never saw her as someone to have sex with. I saw her as a friend first, who is attractive.

 

I have had sex with another girl since the breakup. She is a girl I dated a while back for a few weeks, we remained friends, we hung out after my break up. SHE made the moves on me, I was just looking to hang out with someone I was comfortable with, we had sex for a couple of weeks until I told her I could not anymore; she wanted to get serious/date again, which I did not and told her that from day 1.

 

So I think I have gotten my "sex out" post breakup.

 

I purposelly did not text this girl all week to see how I feel. We are texting now about hanging out this weekend and I am looking forward to seeing her.

[Babolat]

Go out, have fun see what happens. Just keep in mind that a month out of a crap relationship you are probably looking for someone to cheer you up and not necessarily the love of your life. edit; I know where you are coming from I ended up making a huge mistake with something like that. There was this next-door neighbor lady who saw all the drama I had with a girlfriend about 5 years ago and she always came over afterward to make me feel better. Ended up putting the moves on her just like you said, had this urge to hug her when she showed up at my house and ended up banging her. Felt horrible about it. Don't let your feelings make you do something stupid, use your big brain not the little one.

 

I would not say the relationship was crap. We got along very well.

 

I think looking back now I knew 3 months into it there were a lot of red flags and I was "hanging out" to see if I could accept them and/or if she would make changes on her own (she always talked about wanting to make changes, I never asked her to). The more I learned about her lifestyle, the more I saw she wa snot going to change anytime soon, the more anxious i was. I now know I was disconnecting emotionally 3+ months before it ended.